Tales of Whoa

The other day, The Mister came into the living room, set his morning coffee down, and yanked out the cushions on his sofa.
In a deep, gruff voice, I said, “I am man. I wake up and immediately destroy things!”
He switched the cushions, realigned them, and sat down.
I said in my sweet lil voice, “I am woman. I wake up and immediately nurture things.”

This is true, although I nurture things in the morning like a trance monster. It’s not as much an act of love as much as it is rote.

He doesn’t actually destroy things in the morning, but he is certainly brusque and curt. ‘On the warpath’ is the proper phrasing.

My regular readers know; it’s better if The Mister and I don’t speak to one another in the morning.

We argued last night. By argue, I mean, I thought my husband was being a dick, he wouldn’t apologize, so I gave him the look and left the room. I didn’t sleep a wink. With a sorta mixture of fascination and loathing, I watched him sleep instead. He’s like, really good at sleeping. I watched as the flying fucks danced over his head.


Since I was up when he woke, I thought I’d kill him with kindness.
“Your lunch is in the fridge. You like I make you some coffee?”

How you sposta kill people with kindness when they don’t even want coffee?
I assume he feared poison.

No morning kiss.
“Love you!” I shouted.
Door slam.
“Or not. Whatever.” I laughed a lil bit.
Y’all, even with a lot of sleep, my energy supply doesn’t allow me to waste fucks on negative bullshit. I ate some pistachios and drank some tea and then I slept a whopping three hours.

I don’t know what he destroyed this morning, but he felt too unwell to stay at work.

“How did me being mad at you turn into you being mad at me?” I asked.
“I’ve always been mad at you.”
“Since, like 1987?”
“Is that when it started?” He smirked.

He gave Sassy an apology and he sleeps again, but on the couch now.

I’m going to leave the room again, leave Jake Destroyer of Worlds. The milk is light, the girls wanna bake cookies, Sassy needs new trainers. We all have our roles. Today mine include acquiring nurturing, supportive provisions. AKA counting Kohl’s cash and going to the goddamned grocery store.

Sometimes, because former military spouse, people say, have said to me, “It takes such a strong person to stay behind and hold the family together,” and I know what they mean. But I know a lot more than what they mean.


Sometimes, I sleep and he lies awake. Sometimes I freak out and he stays patient.
Every partnership is composed of someone holding the shit together while the other loses it. There are no auditions, it’s all impromptu. We know that although our strengths lie in one area, now and again, we’re thrust into the other and we do what we have to do.

In this case, I must shop and he must sleep and later there will be coffee and cookies.

Happy Friday Everyone!

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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58 Responses to Tales of Whoa

  1. Ally Bean says:

    Every partnership is composed of someone holding the shit together while the other loses it.

    Perfect description of marriage. Enjoy your coffee and cookies.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. …and footsies, and cuddles on the sofa, and hopefully well into the week-end. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  3. John Holton says:

    For us, there’ll be coffee, but no cookies. We’re trying to lose weight.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. loisajay says:

    ‘It’s all impromptu.’ That is so the truth. I love how we switch out roles. Keeps us on our toes and cracks us up, too. Happy Friday, Joey.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Very philosophical. You should write counseling books.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Dan Antion says:

    As long as the one who looses it finds it again before too long, all can remain well.

    No one is baking here but there will be cookies, and maybe tea or maybe an adult beverage.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. prior.. says:

    I enjoyed the content and vibe of this tale shared.
    Especially laughed at “the flying f**ks danced over his head”

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I really laughed out loud reading your post. Baking always helps me find my groove:)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. meANXIETYme says:

    It annoys the crap outta me that the Hub can sleep no matter what. Arguments, bills, trips, visitors, anxiety…he sleeps. I watch him sleep. I LISTEN to him sleep. He sleeps. It’s so irritating. LOL
    Happy weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Susanne says:

    And now I shall forevermore see visions of flying fucks dancing over heads where I used to feel only chilled air. I’m visualizing those critters as demonic baby clowns with wings. Lots of little Its. That last paragraph covers what many couples pay hundreds of dollars to hear from a counselor. You are both funny and wise, Joey.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I heard of people (women) saying, “I want to kill him when he is sleeping and I am not.” Nice story. Enjoy your coffee anyway if he doesn’t want any.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Victo Dolore says:

    Thank goodness we don’t lose our shit together at the same time.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Do you ever wonder how/why any marriage survives this stuff ? But, it does. And for that, I am grateful. Laughing at your description of the flying f’s. I understand that a.m. no-talking thing. I wake early, full of energy and talking too much. He eases into his day, doesn’t say much until the 2nd cup of coffee. I have to hold off on the important conversations. Frustrating for me, since I’ve been up for hours before him. Retirement presents new challenges !

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:

      I do wonder how and why, and much like Dr Dolore’s comment above, how is it one of us is always okay? It’s amazing.
      I’m pleasant in the morning like someone who is drugged, but coming around. I wouldn’t mind your chatter, but I wouldn’t be able to chatter back.
      And it’s funny you mention the waiting to talk, because I legit do that 4-5 times a week.
      For instance, I would have preferred, the night he owed her an apology, to have said, “I’m takin Sassy for shoes tomorrow, is there anything I can pick up for you?”

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Woman, you need to give him The Look more often. Eventually, you will break him. Alternatively, you could just give him cookies, or coffee or coffee cookies! ❀️

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      LOL The look is powerful. I believe he was sick with guilt. Once assuaged, he didn’t seem nearly as sick, merely a bit weak and sleepy. πŸ˜‰
      We move on quickly, coffee and cookies and a huge brunch today. Thanks for reading and more importantly, understanding!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. pluviolover says:

    This one’s a keeper. Love it.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. scr4pl80 says:

    One of the “10 Commandments of a Happy Marriage” that my mom gave to every newlywed couple is that you should never go to bed mad at your spouse so for the last 35 years we have tried to resolve issues before then. Most of the time it works. I am the good sleeper though so even when it hasn’t be resolved completely, I still get my 8 in. Mine is a pouter if he doesn’t get his way so I let him pout a while and I go about my business. Sooner or later he comes around. Occasionally he will realize what a jerk he’s been and I get flowers…or licorice. It is definitely a dance this marriage thing we do. Fortunately, I’ve always loved dancing and occasionally I lead!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Oh I identify with that, totally. We didn’t go to bed angry until maybe the last few years, when sleep became harder and harder for him to get. (He was working and in college, both full-time. And it’s not like he’s still young, the man has to sleep, lol!)
      It must be nice to be the good sleeper!
      I relate to the making up for it, too. I generally settle for things being made up to me, as apologies are few and far between. Oh he’s so nice when he repents his stubborn ways! lol But this was our daughter, and I was more indignant than he.
      Thanks for chiming in and sharing your own stuff πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Before bed, it’s bad enough if we talk about current affairs, or other “third-party” emotionally triggering discussions – like politics or whatnot. An argument works better than a gallon of espresso.

    Ha. This reminds me of the time, back with The Performer – I was just learning how to find my voice in arguments and I had a very difficult time expressing what I needed to say. Basically, I couldn’t find the courage to say the words that were backing up in my throat. That would mean long periods of quiet while I mulled and mused and held my breath. He fell asleep on me a few times. Got a poke in the ribs for his discourtesy.

    On a lighter note – I made brownies – using beets from the garden!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Oh Maggie, when we were young, I wouldn’t let him sleep. I’d keep him up til 4 for that apology, until he could SEE and UNDERSTAND. I believe those long arguments into the night were every bit as important as anything else in this marriage. I suppose we’re more stable now, and also, he’s not young, he needs sleep.
      I loooove the espresso metaphor. Well done.
      How are your brownies? I wish I could sample! Remember red velvet cake made with beet juice? I DO.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Jad says:

    Damn I love this post!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Joanne Sisco says:

    “Every partnership is composed of someone holding the shit together while the other loses it.”
    Oh yes, you just described my entire 34 year marriage. When we’re both losing it at the same time, it gets really scary 😱
    Hope you’re having a great weekend without any of the grumpies.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Just wanted to pop in and say that this is the kind of post that is fun to re-read, just for the comments. Thanks for that !!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Pingback: Who Are You? – The Zombies Ate My Brains

  22. Myas says:

    My mom says out of all the instruction manuals you can get the two you need and there’s no such thing is raising children and marriage.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Myas says:

    Gee whiz, the two you need are… on that note I are a college graduate and certified to teach people to speak English… scary, no?

    Liked by 1 person

  24. My mom gave me advice about marriage that was very similar to your sage advice of “every partnership is composed of somebody holding the shit together while the other one loses it.” I try to keep that in mind when I encounter those moments!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Erika says:

    *I watched as the flying fucks danced over his head.*


    I think the maddest I’ve ever been at my husband was when he went to sleep when I was already pissed off at him. That took me from a 7 to a 10. All the stomping around and slamming shit (the kids weren’t home) still didn’t wake him up. I finally yanked a pillow out from under his head and woke him up for a moment. It was really satisfying.

    Liked by 1 person

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