Eat, Drink, Don’t Be Wary

Lunch is a weird word. We were all in the conference room, having the work lunch…

Oh, let me tell you about my lunch quick! I wanted fries, so I ordered the Molly Melt. It read, as follows, “caramelized onions, tomato, American cheese, mozzarella, with cilantro and chipotle sauce.”

Mentor said my boss needed to know what size I wanted my food.
Size?
I walked into my boss’s office and raised my eyebrows.
She asked, “Medium?”
I asked, “Is there a small?”
She laughed, “Not what size, what temperature!”
“OH!”

You guys, it was a burger. They put all the stuff on a burger. I woulda ate it without the burger. I thought it was a fancy grilled cheese.

It turned out to be a small, flat burger on white bread and I enjoyed it so much I almost finished it.

So I was sittin in the conference room, noshin my delicious foods with meat, when the topic turned to workplace shootings and I, feeling casually random and at-ease, chimed in about how I could not shoot up the place. Guns too bang. It’s just too violent. If I lost my mind, I’d probably poison everyone’s tea and dance around merrily.

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I guess no one will ever ask me to make tea. Even if they’re sick and I offer, they’ll prolly be like, “Nah, I’m good.”

teapot

I thought about it a lil bit more, and in the same way that I wouldn’t trust myself with a firearm, BOOM! blew my foot off, Dang, I am so OCD and overthinkery and clumsy, I wouldn’t trust myself to accurately distribute poison.

My imagination took off with that.

I come to work in my spray painting mask and dishwashing gloves, not suspicious at all, I carefully adhere properly printed labels to everyone’s cuppa tea. I line up all the cups. I pull out my super secret eyedropper full of X POISON X (like I know the names of poisons, Pshaw!) I plop in a drop and then… I forget which cups I’ve plopped and I need to make a list and probably have a poison test available to double check, like some sorta thing you dip in to check that you really put the poison in it.

Wrong. I don’t get that far.

More Likely Imaginary Scenarios:

I can’t order the X POISON X on the interwebs because I had to reset my computer a few months back and I’ve forgotten my password to the site where I buy all my deadly dangerous chemicals, like Dr. Bronner’s lavender soap and Borax, right?

Or — I successfully order the X POISON X but I leave it on the desk in the living room because I’m distracted by the

Or — I put “Check if workplace makes me murderous: If so X POISON X” on my calendar.

Or — I drop the bottle of X POISON X on my terrible-beautiful kitchen floor, my dog licks it up before I can clean it and then I have to force my dog to drink syrup of whatever makes us puke, ipecac? Yeah, ipecac, and I end up late to work because I have to take my dog to the vet for detox.

Or — I accidentally put the X POISON X in Sassy’s bag and realize all I have is swim shampoo for blondes.

Or — I manage to get the X POISON X in my car, but can’t leave the driveway with it because I feel too guilty of transporting hazardous cargo when I am not legally authorized to do so.

Or — The bottle of X POISON X was poorly packaged and I die on my way to work, inhaling deeply as a I sing, no doubt causing a rear-end collision with a full school bus.

Or — I make it all the way to work with the X POISON X but I can’t open the fuckin bottle, so I gotta ask Mentor to help and she’s like, “Why are we opening poison?”

I’m like a cartoon, y’all.

Writer’s Brain is a serious condition that causes frequent laughter.

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Happy Friday Everyone!Β 

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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35 Responses to Eat, Drink, Don’t Be Wary

  1. You’re over thinking this…. just hire a crop duster to spray poison x over the building. But remember to call in sick first…
    😝

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’d just change jobs – much easier. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Benson says:

    Quite the list maker aren’t you. I can not imagine you harming anyone. Beyond caustic remarks that is. Happy Friday to you too.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. marianallen says:

    Gurrllll…. You make me laugh SO HARD! When is your book coming out? You could call it X POISON X and Other Gentle Musings

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Bill says:

    Me: “Hey, Dude. I’m goin’ to the range tomorrow. Wanna go?” He: “Me? You want me to go to the firing range with you?” Me: “Right. I need you to hold my target.”
    I had two lists: one (A) of all who I needed to forgive. Another (B) of the unforgivables who were on list A too long, that only my psychiatrist knew about. I’d forgotten about those working days. Been retired too long. Great thoughts, thanks. Have a wunnerful weekend.

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:

      HAHA! Niiice! I’ve only got one unforgivable boss. I think she’d have to go to the psychiatrist WITH me. I’d present her, like, “Here’s Anita, let’s find out how she got all broken and cruel…”
      I’m glad you keep enjoying your retirement πŸ˜€

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Remind me never to piss you off.

    PS: X-Lax brownies are good. They probably wouldn’t kill anyone, but it’s fun to watch while you get your sorry butt out of there. Not that I know, of course.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. JT Twissel says:

    They put just about anything on a burger these days, don’t they? Your poison story reminded me of the movie Nine to Five with Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin. I imagine you as the Jane Fonda character….

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:

      What Can’t they put on a burger, eh?
      I vaguely remember that movie! I do think it lurked back there, now that I think about Jane Fonda’s character! πŸ˜€

      Like

  8. You had me at the burger. I’m the kind of killer who comes in with the poison and forgets to use it.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Dan Antion says:

    I love the way your mind works. At least you didn’t imagine poisoning them at the company Christmas party. I’d hate to see you overthink this while drinking.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I know all about writer’s brain. It’s like this stuff never stops. Your examples here would make a great comedy.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. John Holton says:

    I guess which poison you use depends on how fast you want it to work. For real quick, use cyanide. For real slow, anti-freeze or thallium works, but only if you keep giving it to them over a long period of time. Yes, Mary and I watch far too much true-crime TV, why do you ask?

    Liked by 2 people

    • darsword says:

      John Holton, You are scary! I like Joey’s way better! Even if I watched crime shows I would do much more similarly to Joey’s OCD/ADHD way forgetting important aspects while remembering dumb things like a birthday of some ex-friend of grade school. LOL!

      Like

    • joey says:

      LOL Now that you say cyanide, I remember cyanide, and also hemlock and belladonna! You really do know your crime show words! πŸ˜€

      Like

  12. darsword says:

    Joey, I’m glad I saved this to read. I’m so far behind in emails and everything and I often delete old stuff rather than read each and everything. This whole post had me laughing and sharing with everyone here! And the writers’ meme is EXACT!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Amy says:

    That did sound like a tasty grilled cheese. The burger adds in a whole new element. My imagination runs down paths like that, all willy-nilly, never happening, but just can’t stop thinking of the different directions and exploring each one. Thanks for the laughs! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Anxious Mom says:

    This is hilarious! So was not expecting a post about your inability to properly kill your colleagues.

    I’ve been wanting to get pepper spray to keep on my person, because things are so weird in my town right now. Idk if people are being paranoid and making up shit, but everyone thinks someone is trying to kidnap kids or them or something. But I’m like, it’s probably more likely I’ll accidentally pepper spray myself, so hmm.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I SO GET THAT. I had pepper spray in college. Stupid hands never could open the things, but still I carried it, hoping adrenaline would soar enough to overcome the pain and stiffness!

      Like

  15. Joanne Sisco says:

    Over-thinkers are the least harmful people … too busy working through all the possible scenarios. You just proved it πŸ˜†

    Liked by 1 person

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