Fings n’ Stuffs v. Merry & Bright

Right, So, I’ve not been blogging. I think I was about five minutes away from recallin y’all like a fond memory, “A long, long time ago, when I was a blogger…”

There were so many things I wanted to tell you.

I was runnin around, burnin the candle at both ends, doin all the fings. My Gawd, all the fings one must do. Course, I got a sick. Course I did. Not too bad a sick. *knocks wood*

This year, I maintained my seasonal spirit, didn’t get grumpy like last year. I’m truly, deeply committed to being merry and bright. Got all my cards posted — MERRY & BRIGHT WITH GLITTER! Even my one red blouse made its annual appearance out of the closet.

Still I had a good pity party one night. Such a mommer pity party. oh woe is me, why am i doing all these things? what about what i want? what are other people doing? am i the only person who doesn’t do what she wants and just does what she’s supposed to do? stop asking me to do things, stop expecting me to do things. 
Pity party lasted about an hour. Couldn’t even cry, woulda just given me a headache and ruined my makeup.
Ask me what I wanted to do — go ahead —
I wanted to
1) Come directly home from work
2) Stay home
3) Take off public clothes and wear comfies
4) Eat foods
5) Get on my computer
6) Go to bed at a reasonable hour
Seems simple enough, doesn’t it? These are reasonable demands, non? This kept not happening for me. It was as though, why, it was as if it wasn’t all about me. Hmph. Can you even imagine?


Additionally, I wanted us all to be home at the same time, but also, awake. You may guess that is completely unrealistic in the weeks leading up to the winter break.


Being busy, while trying to be merry and bright, while being an introvert, is …


And then today came and more hustle was required and I couldn’t find my hustle. It was hidden deep inside and I had to coax it out. I was all you will wear this lello shirt and stripey socks and comfy shoes and you will just do all the fings n stuffs because when you are all done you can drink eggnog and blog from your sofa. I gave myself check marks and pep talks, too. you’re doin great, joey! look at you go! almost done, joey! I’ll have you know I gold-medaled in peopling today. I made the nice chat and listened to other people piss and moan and said things like, “No, no, after you” and y’all, I even held a crying stranger baby.

Today was a sunny day and there were hardly any people anywhere I went until I went to the grocery store. They were all, every Indianapolis resident and their mama, at my grocery store. I had to park in an area of the lot I had never even driven in. I had to go back out and ask a man for his cart when he was done. Do those people not eat the other 51 weeks a year?

I decided to do turkey again. They only had six huge frozen turkeys. I did not want a huge turkey. I walked round and round looking for a smaller fresh one. No dice. When I got back to the frozen turkeys there were only four, and there was another mom checking them out! We discussed the brand and she brought up the price and holy shit, I got a 22 pound turkey for $15 and change.

I had the task of purchasing gag gift items for not-my-child, and I asked three employees where to find the freakin _________ and the third one was the charm, which is good because I swear, I was but a moment away from collapsing and crying for help.

I finally made it to the back of the store and by then I had to pee and I legit did not want to leave my cheap frozen turkey unattended for fear that it would be purloined. There were some moms in the cat food aisle, and they had a ham, yes I checked before I asked them, “Did you ever have to pee, but couldn’t, for fear someone would steal your turkey?” They completely understood, and watched my turkey.

A man old enough to be my father asked me if I could help him open his produce bag and I said Of Course and as I helped him, he got all nervous and practically ran away with his half-wrapped goods mumbling something about how he better get his wife’s approval on the asparagus. Hand to God, she looked at me like I had been trying to steal her husband. Jolene Mottern, produce hussy, asparagus pusher. That’s me.

I’m supposed to be done by now. I mentioned I might make a super quick trip out tomorrow and then The Mister suggested that I do a fing he’d said he was going to do and I said, “I thought you were going to do that?” and then he blah blahed logistical bullshit that made total sense and now I have absolutely no interest in making my super quick trip to do a fing because it’s going to end up being a dreadful, patience-grinding excursion which may well crush my happiness and destroy my will to live because I am a weak-ass bitch and did I mention I’m tarrrred?
If I can barter that errand for housework, I’ll do it. Otherwise, fuck off. Neither of those things are for me AND I HAVE DONE ENOUGH and he is snoring on his couch already. Although, there is a Starbucks over there…

I just wanna light candles, sing Christmas songs, bake cookies and be merry and bright. Seriously, completely dedicated to being merry and bright.

How are all of you? 

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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55 Responses to Fings n’ Stuffs v. Merry & Bright

  1. scr4pl80 says:

    Knew I was missing someone. You do have your adventures don’t you?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pistachios says:

    My goodness, I feel exhausted just reading through everything you’ve been doing. Sounds like next-level Christmas-ing! Meanwhile, I’ve had a bad cough and have been using that as an excuse to not go to public places and to not do things…

    Hope your Christmas is the merriest and brightest!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s alright now. The world has crossed to the other side. The moon was in my face too and I wrote a poem about knives and red rivers in my pants. For real. Merry merrymaking and cin cin! ❤ (Was missing you but you keep blogging in your mind anyway and we get that too.)

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I missed you, but I just knew you were working at the office, working at home, driving kids, attending events, pet loving, shopping, wrapping, baking, and trying to keep a balance. I don’t have the stresses you have because of the age of gift recipients – cash is king. Writing a check is not a fun adventure like finding that perfect gift, but what can you do. Glad you found someone to safeguard that turkey. 🙂 Enjoy some more eggnog and from my house to yours – Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Heavens yes! The EGGNOG! 😛
      We took a cash position on extended family this year. So impersonal, but whatever, I bet they’ll be happy anyway 🙂
      You were right, office, house, kids, events, sports, taxiing. Ah, you remember it well, eh? We make it happen.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Dan Antion says:

    For a while in the middle, I was humming “Here Comes Santa Claus” but substituting ‘Joey’ for ‘Santa’ – yep, Joey Claus Lane and like that.

    I was wondering what happened. I just figured that you were doing a million things. You’re always doing just under a million things, and I figured the holiday spirit pushed you over the top.

    Sorry to hear you also got sick. I hope it was the little bit of sick prople get that builds superhero antibodies for the rest of winter.

    I hope you got you stuff, or enough stuff, and you can get comfy and sit.

    Merry Christmas to all the Motterns (in case you get lost again).

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I really love this comment, Dan. Truly. Joey Claus was so tired! Tomorrow, though, Joey Claus will be the happiest 😀
      I AM always doing just under a million things! It’s true, you are astute in this observation!
      It’s gonna be great. It’s already great now! Now that y’all have your tree up, you probably feel a bit more Claus-like as well 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dan Antion says:

        I do – I am relaxing, mostly. I have a few things to do to prep for dinner tomorrow, but nothing difficult. Then I have to put on a Christmas movie and wrap a few presents.

        I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Bill says:

    Sounds like you got a good grip on life, Joey. We’re heading out on a four-hour trek to our daughter’s way out yonder in the middle of …. Tomorrow big ass dinner with her mother-in-law and a bunch of peeps I do not know well. No kids cuz custody deals with their X’s. Back home Tuesday night. Doin’ good. I did notice a void in the blogosphere, welcome back. Missed ya. My best Christmas and all other holiday wishes to you and yours. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Benson says:

    Damn Girl just reading of your efforts wore me out. It makes my trip into Fishers and the land of Round A Bouts seem soothing. Merry Christmas to you and whole family.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Merry and bright is in short supply this time of year. The simple pleasures of the holidays seem so far away…. seems all we do is rush, rush, rush and stress ourselves out. Where’s the fun in that?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I hear ya! This year shopping for things and food has seemed a bit harder. I did get to park in my regular row at the grocery store, but I had to wait for someone to pull out, and why was the gardener scheduled to be doing the garden thing a week before Christmas? He took up 3 spots in the parking lot! I parked next to him and his damn cones, but I pulled in a wee bit cock-eyed cause of the cones and getting in the spot after the lady got out so she could continue on her way. I just know the person who got the spot next to me where the gardener was who parked to close to me mind you was cussing me out. My ears were ringing.

    I’m making Lasagna and ordered my meat mixture a week before so I knew it was in waiting for me.
    No worries about anyone swiping that from me. I’m glad you found some understanding women who watched your cart for you.

    I’m going to bake and make my sauce tomorrow, cleaning today. Big Baby Boy is coming home for Christmas, but the day after Christmas. I have to share him now which is new, and I’m a bit selfish and mopey about it.

    Wrapping is all done, and I have one more little fing to deliver to a friend and I should be all set.

    I hope you get to drink your eggnog in peace and family time reigns supreme for the rest of the Holiday!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Mmm, sauce! I bet that will be splendid!
      It is difficult when the kids have their own plans. I think back to times I spent holidays with friends and I think it’s good for all of us. Did you ever do that? Go skiing or visit the beach instead? I sure did. We’ll only have the two younger this round. Eldest daughter hasn’t been home for Christmas since she came of age. She planned to, but then she found out she was expecting and as we’ve mentioned, complicated pregnancies, not best to travel long distances, and now she has her own family to tend to. I miss her, but I’m happy she’s happy. I’m at a place where I miss my mother more than my children.
      May we all enjoy what we have while we have it — we only have to stop to breathe and realize it’s happening RIGHT NOW! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Blessings on you and yours: you WILL survive. AND enjoy. I KNOW it.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Dang! We stayed home and even had eggnog. I feel guilty now.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. larva225 says:

    Girrrrrrrrrl, I’m done. I’ve been done for days. I’ve watched all the movies (except Wonderful Life…. can’t seem to get that one finished). I’ve loved it, enjoyed it. Made stuff. Am terrified about Xmas day cooking because I’m trying this new magical Butterball “straight from the freezer into the oven” turkey (because it was on sale) and I’m skeptical. And I’m sick of my tree and the needles and today I just couldn’t handle the Xmas music and felt guilty for listening to something other than the Xmas channel. Know what I mean? Merry Xmas and stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I do, I do know whatcha mean. Everyone’s got their whatevers to deal with. I’ve been having a good 4-day though, and I sure hope you’re finding happiness more often than not — You deserve it! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Nancy says:

    Well done surviving the minefield of those wishing to squelch your Christmas spirit! Be well and Happy Holidays!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Luanne says:

    It’s official. You have completely worn me out. Heading to the covers now. Hope you survive and can relax! XO

    Liked by 1 person

  15. J-Dub says:

    I’m fine “Jolene Mottern, produce hussy, asparagus pusher”. I’m glad no one purloined Mr. Tom. I snorted with laughter and that’s the BEST!! Doesn’t laughter make it all better?!?!?

    Lately I’ve decided if I don’t wanna; I’m not gonna. It’s been a game changer. Though there are days I miss the hustle and bustle of kiddos at home.

    Merry Christmas 🎄 to you and your crew.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I did that “don’t wanna, not gonna” last year. I don’t even know why. I had a mood. Christmas came and went all the same.
      I’m so glad you laughed. It was an ODD trip to the store, that one!
      Very Merry Christmas to you 😀 See you for pancakes in the morning? 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Kat says:

    Wow, Joey. That’s a lot. You gotta get to where I’m at, dispatching the grown-ass adults who used to be my kids to run the errands. They’re the ones who stood in the mile long line at the Honey Baked Ham store today, hee-hee. I did have to do the last minute grocery shopping though and yup, back of the parking lot. The upside, I got my daily steps in. Wishing you a little peace and lots of love this season.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. JT Twissel says:

    I’m down at my daughter’s in stressed out toddler Margaritaville. We will survive! Much joy to your family. I’ve so enjoyed your posts over this last years.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. bikerchick57 says:

    Jeepers, Joey, you’ve had way too many fings trying to do all the stuffs. I got tired just reading about it.

    I hope today finds you in your comfies, with coffee in hand, surrounded by your beautiful family and time for yourself to relax. Merry Christmas and have an awesome and less busy 2019.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Amy says:

    It sure seems to be that busy time of year! I hope you have plenty of time for comfy clothes and relaxing on the sofa! I’m so sad that all of the stores are out of eggnog. 😦 The girlie and I baked many cookies and will take some to family on Christmas. My middle child is not home this year. It is the first time that one of them is away. It feels a little strange and I’m sure it’ll feel even more so on Christmas morning. But this is that next phase. I hope that you have a Merry Christmas!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      It is always odd, hard, weird, uneasy when some go off on their own, but you’re right, it’s part of the phase. I hope you all have a wonderful day. I am also baking 🙂 I am VERY sad for you not getting your eggnog! I am stocked up so well, it’s a pity I can’t drop some off!

      Liked by 1 person

  20. I have been AWOL blogging, too but seeing your fing made me remember that there’s always some pent up funny stuff due from you someday. Christmas is tomorrow and the last minute doers are out there and then it’s the after Christmas doers that will venture out.. such is how we have become commercialized, but, rejoice and spend Christmas with the family and appreciate one another for just being there! Merry Christmas and have a safe passage into the New Year to you and yours!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Hey! Thanks! Thanks for stopping by! It’s nice to see you. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, too! When the doers go out, I’ll be at work and I’ll be happy to have normalcy back!

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Anxious Mom says:

    Well, asparagus is an aphrodisiac, so…hussy.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. marianallen says:

    I am all the better for reading this post. I has all kinds of sads this year because everybody died a year ago, but I’m coming up on the last one-year anniversary so there’s light at the end of the tunnel. It’s black light, but it’s light. But as long as there’s a joey to read or hear from, there’s a big double-dip of happy on top of the mountain of whatever. Even when you’re tarrrrrred, you glitter-bomb the interwebs. ❤


  23. ghostmmnc says:

    I’m sure it’s a good feeling to know you got all the errands and taken care of with the lead up to the big day. Pretty quiet around here…we had our Christmas with my daughter this past Sunday, and sent texts and photos back & forth with the other daughter in Missouri this morning. Had to make do with a sandwich for lunch, as all the fast food joints are closed. But, we’re having steak & baked potato for supper. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas Day! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  24. kirizar says:

    I struggle and then I find a good book to read and throw a bag of Doritos at the kid and call it good enough. That is going to be the motto of 2019–The Year of Good Enough.

    Join me. We’ll create an inaction movement. (Let the cheap seats chew on that one for awhile.)

    But now, I’ve got to pack every living thing we own for an overnight stay 1/2 an hour a way. We’ve got a “fing.”

    Liked by 1 person

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