Will Work for Work

I’ve been working and looking for work for over a month now. Initially, the resume. Oh good grief, lapse in employment! Thank tacos I filled that time with volunteer positions, because being a stay-home parent isn’t enough for a resume, no matter how fabulous you are.

drew made this for me

drew made this for me

Focused parenting and wifery don’t pay monetarily, but they pay a fortune in emotional benefits. There is no place to list emotional benefits on the resume template…

Freelance writing and editing does pay, but it can’t promise to give you steady work. Maybe you work like crazy for two weeks and then nothing comes in for another two weeks. That’s where I’m at. Picking up freelance gigs, hoping they don’t overlap, wishing they didn’t die off for weeks at a time.

I need to work at home. The Mister will go back to school in January, and anyone who’s gone to school knows that college classes are not scheduled for the convenience of Joeys.

Like most bloggers, plenty of affiliate marketers follow my blog, and plenty of them promise me that I will be living The High Life and blogging from the Bahamas in no time. They don’t know I aspire to a simple, quiet, fulfilling life, and if they read my blog, they’d know I do not like tropical places at all.
Also, I know plenty of people who do enjoy The High Life, and not one of them earns their living in affiliate marketing.

I do know people who’ve made a fortune in various pyramid schemes. They are salespeople. I am not. I’m all like, “Yeah, no, I don’t want 36 rolls of inferior toilet paper delivered to my door every month, either.”
I can sell you on some stuff I love. Those things are pretty limited to food and beverage items. Ooh! and comfy cotton clothes!

work-at-home, pants optional

work-at-home, pants optional

There are tons of scams for work-at-home positions: email collection, envelope stuffing, that sorta thing.

There are a fair amount of jobs which require you to be one of those people who telephones strangers. This work seems steady, but denigrating to one’s soul.
Worse than those jobs, are the ones where the strangers call you, and you have a dedicated phone line for providing customer service.

Along the same lines, there are even more jobs for phone sex operators. I’ve had phone sex for free, and I liked it, so you’d think that would be a good job, but it turns out, the callers are not necessarily my husband, and they may like things that make me go Ew.
Also, I’m not sure I can have phone sex when my kids are home on vacation, since I can’t even have a decent chat with my mother without those people carryin on and interrupting me. I’m guessing a large portion of phone sex clients do not entertain fantasies wherein I am their Baby Mama.

Hey? Is there a food porn line?

Since I was trained as a teacher, I have serious ethical dilemmas with writing academic papers for students. I realize some people need that, but my teacher head still thinks that’s cheating. And let’s face it, there are enough graduates who cannot construct a sentence or spell a fourth-grade word. I wouldn’t want to enable more of those people.

More people need proofreaders and editors. I know this, because I read more than I sleep.

Sometimes I want to contact employers.
Dear Sir:
I see you are seeking a writer who specializes in B2B and SQL, but I think you might consider opening a position for an office proofreader, resulting in the elimination of words such as “innergrated” and “relatoinship” in your ads.

The errors are everywhere. I mean, we all make mistakes, no one is infallible, but my daily life as a reader is akin to spelling and grammar torture.

Hey, is there a grammar porn line?

I recently visited a blog which featured a donation button. It read, “Buy me a beer!” Mine would read, “Grad school is eleven grand a semester, yo!”
I’ve never donated to a blog. I don’t view my blog as a charity or a service. I’ve only ever clicked those donate buttons for charities.
A donation button would not fulfill my interest in work, and there is no place for that on the resume, although I would certainly enjoy a free beer now and again.

I may, when I reach my bloggaversary, set up my own domain and use advertising to collect any income available, but I don’t count that as actual work.
Then when people ask me what I do, would I say, “I collect pennies per click?” No.

Notably, I see how other people have jobs.
Now, I’m not saying I’m qualified to be Mayor of Toronto, but there are plenty of well-employed idiots, aren’t there?

Let’s hope some of these preliminary nibbles turn into bites, hmm?


About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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17 Responses to Will Work for Work

  1. words4jp says:

    Food porn? I think you are onto something;) you have me in stitches right now while I am trying to ride my bike. I am imagining food porn!


    • I’m glad you got a good laugh!
      Lemme tell you, I love food porn, and I could totally moan and lick my fingers while I pick apart a chicken, “I’m wearing granny panties and an old Starbucks apron, yesssss. You like these socks? They’re my son’s old socks, so comfy and soft on my feet. Helps with the hard tile. Oh yeah, I said HARD TILE. I’m going to the roasted chicken right now. I’m tearing off a wing. Oh yes! Mmm, so juicy! Mmm, so flavorful! Little rosemary in that bite. Oh yes! You want some gravy on that? Oh yeah, you like that, don’t you?”

      There are worse jobs 😛


  2. LOL! Great writing Joey!! No doubt you’ll get a job soon enough and hopefully it fits your mommy lifestyle. So is that you modelling those knickers? You have done so well to keep in shape after growing the young’ns. 😉 Oh, and yes, of course we know you exist… we’re watching you! 😛


  3. Wait, people will give you money to write stuff? That’d be pretty sweet! Maybe you could set up a booth at school picnics and carnivals next to the guess your weight guy and guess the circumference of peoples’ areolas? I think that would be EPIC!


  4. Sherry says:

    food porn sounds interesting. I have to look further into that I think. yeah the homework market is full of crap mostly I found when I checked it out a decade or so ago. I’m thinking you could sell people “parenting lessons via skype”? sounds like a winner to me.


  5. Love the food porn riff. I’ve taken food photos all my life. When my kids say them they notified my I was a food porn addict!


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