We’re All So Wretched

The Mister and I are terrible parents on Christmas. Really, we’re the worst.

First of all, Santa doesn’t come to our house. We boycott Santa. We do our best not to lie to, or disillusion our children about anything. We also try to control the behavior of our children by encouraging them to develop a conscience. That means whether or not some creepy fucking elf, or some old man in a red suit can see your behavior, you do, and God does, too. An omniscient Santa is far too powerful for our house. Plus, Santa doesn’t work hard to provide for this family: The Mister does. And while Santa doesn’t mind providing bicycles and baby dolls, he’s not even the slightest bit interested in bringing iPads to ten-year-olds.

Second, we sleep in. Mhm. None of that five o’clock in the morning crap.
We let them get at their stockings while we coffee, but that’s all.
We do pancakes in pajamas on Christmas morning.

Third,ย in order to open presents, everyone must be ready. Ready translates to being dressed, hair groomed, teeth brushed, rooms clean, and beds made. We are cruel, and we delight in their anticipation. We enjoy exercising our power and dominance like that.

Fourth, we don’t measure out the quantity of gifts so that if Moo gets four LaLaLoopsies, Sassy gets four books, Sissy gets four Pandora charms, and Bubba gets four Xbox games. Haha! NO. Also, while what Bubba wants might cost hundreds, it doesn’t mean we’re going to ply all the girls with hundreds of dollars worth of gifts. We’ve never played into tit-for-tat with gifts, or compulsory “so-everything-looks-even” presents, because generosity of spirit has nothing to do with math.

Fifth, we don’t go anywhere. We don’t go to Grandma’s, or to the movie theater, or anywhere else. For us, it’s a day to spent at home with family. Initially this almost killed my MIL, but she adapted.
I would say it’s a day of rest, but like most mothers, I work harder on Christmas than the average day. The children are trapped at home, where they are forced to watch movies, play games, eat yummy food, and get lots of snuggles.

I like to think I design Christmas…

I’m certain the children dread it every year. You can see it on their faces.


About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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11 Responses to We’re All So Wretched

  1. Aussa Lorens says:

    I like your take on Christmas ๐Ÿ™‚ Except you really are cruel for making them make their beds, WHAT!


  2. LindaGHill says:

    Sounds like heaven. I wish I had your fortitude. ๐Ÿ˜›
    Merry Christmas, my dear, to you and yours. ๐Ÿ™‚


  3. words4jp says:

    Awesome. Can I hang out at your house next year?? I love making my bed;)

    Merry Xmas to you and your lovely family. xxxx


  4. darsword says:

    I was similarly, philosophically inclined with my own children, and they turned out great.


  5. Sherry says:

    I shall call protective services immediately. This is not acceptable parental behavior. I once woke up my dad at like about 1 am declaring it was Christmas…he was not pleased. I am a fan of early rising …but I do agree with the lazy kinda day attitude. Actually I would like to be the Griswolds…their kinda Christmas was invigorating, minus that turkey…that turkey sucked. Hope you had a lovely pajamy kinda day…and getting cleaned up is absolutely after the present opening…lol


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