J is for Jolene

Well it was just obvious, wasn’t it?

Jolene is a woman with flaming locks of auburn hair, ivory skin and emerald green eyes, and you must beg her not to take your man.

My eyes are blue. Greenish grayish blue with flecks of yellow. No one would ever compare them to emeralds. See?

I only know one woman with emerald eyes, and she’s had three husbands. Not only do I lack the powers emerald eyes possess, but to make matters worse, the universe did not endow me with enough patience to deal with men.

Conversations Between Men and Women

“I told the kids to bring you the cups they used. Didja get ’em?”
“I dunno, Honey, which of these ten thousand cups did they use?”

“There weren’t three cups of sugar left in the jar, so I put the new bag of sugar in the jar for you.”
“Thank you?”

“How about cake? Does cake sound good?”
“What kind?”
“What kind of what?”

“What kind of cookies do you want?”
“I don’t want any.”
“What kind of cookies do you want, so that you do not eat all of the children’s cookies?”

Seriously. Who could tolerate more than one?
So rest assured, my fondness for your man in no way implies that I am out to take him from you.


If he talks about me in his sleep, it’s only because that bastard owes me money, and you should tell him to pay me so his conscience lets up.

If you think my beauty is beyond compare, I recommend seeing an optometrist.


I do have a soft voice, not unlike summer rain, unless I’m upset — then I seem a lot like Julia Sugarbaker, only with more bitchy and less silk. And when I yell? Most unattractive woman on earth, I promise.

“Do what your mother told you to do, before she makes that noise again.”

I do have a nice enough smile, although I would not compare it the breath of spring, because I don’t think the breath of spring involves root canals…

And that’s why I’m Joey, not Jolene.


Joeys are the best.


About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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10 Responses to J is for Jolene

  1. cardamone5 says:

    I like it: Joey not Jolene. Love that song too.



  2. Sherry says:

    hahaha…great post my friend…:)


  3. suzjones says:

    Awesome post. Love Joey at the end. 🙂


  4. LindaGHill says:

    “Do what your mother told you to do, before she makes that noise again.”
    Hahahaha! That is so what a man would say about me if I had one.


  5. spacurious says:

    I must agree with Linda up there about the amusing ‘before she makes that noise again’.
    That’s some good shit right there.


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