Don’t Fuck with My Pillows

On Monday, I was a victim of a great tragedy.
I woke up with a crick in my neck and soon discovered I had been sleeping on The Mister’s pillows instead of my own.
It was all very Princess and the Pea.

You see, on Sunday, in an unnatural turn of events, I awoke before the early bird, and as a result, my husband made the bed.
He swears he didn’t switch the pillows.
I believe he believes he didn’t switch the pillows.
There is no other explanation as to why our pillows were inverted, but he knows it was not his fucking fault and he’s not going to fucking apologize for something that was not his fucking fault.
If he does apologize it’s only in the screaming sarcastic way that implies I am an uptight, know-it-all bitch who never does anything wrong.

You know how it goes, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”
If you’re a neurotic control freak who needs a lot of structure and consistency in your life then you know how crucial this aphorism actually is. You know how I do the type. I’m not saying that my life is filled with rituals and procedures, because I’m not a madwoman, but I have some rituals and procedures because I have anxiety disorder and I believe I cannot trust the world to operate properly without my supervision and intervention.

no, YOU don't make sense!

no, YOU don’t make sense!

So, on Monday, because of the pain in my neck, I also acquired a headache and a lovely panic loop, because as you well know, all headaches are brain tumors and all brain tumors result in imminent death, especially if you don’t worry about them. In fact, if you have anxiety disorder, not obsessing about your brain tumor will actually make it grow.

My social media was all about the pillow tragedy, and the injustice of my husband not apologizing to me. Dramatically relating my pain on the interwebz was great! I had a lot of fun!
It distracted me from tearful woe about how my husband had stopped loving me overnight, as well as preventing me from focusing on the panic loop.

pillows are very important to me.
isn’t there enough pain in the world without sleepin on the wrong fuckin pillow?
i may not pull through, y’all.
i’m havin some very princess & the pea moments.

marcellus wallace prolly has to wear that band-aid on his neck because mrs mia wallace switched the pillows on the bed.


i bet this new patch of eczema on my arm is from sleeping on the wrong pillow…

True asks, “How’s your pain? You feeling any better? I make you tea?”

i’m off to take a long, hot shower, to see if i can get over this lack of apology, i mean, pain in my neck, i mean, neck ache.

i have a headache, which i’m sure is because of poor pillowing. i may need to lie down. i definitely can’t sweep floors or roast a tenderloin in this condition.

3:20pm Photo of the day: 23. Fix — just make sure the pillows are placed properly before you lie down #‎fmsphotoaday‬ ‪#‎littlemomentsapp‬

Anxiety hangover is a real thing. Muscles ache, eyes twitch and blur — renders me dizzy, gives me a headache, makes me feel like I’m not really in my body…body all exhausted, senses all heightened…Which is why someone looking at me while I sleep can startle me.

i was resting properly on MY pillows when my husband came in and scared the bejesus outta me with his eyes, so i’m up now, dishes done, dinner’s on…

I eventually recovered, after The Mister gave me a good rub and I got a full night’s sleep on the right pillows. But it was rough goin there for awhile, because I didn’t really wanna start another blog about my life as a single mommy with a brain tumor and all that.

Feel free to vent to me about your neuroses, your spouse’s inability to apologize, your panic loops, how important your pillows are, or how much you love Pulp Fiction.
Please avoid stating the obvious, like how this isn’t a Nice Lady Blog. And don’t fuck with my pillows.

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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45 Responses to Don’t Fuck with My Pillows

  1. There are more than enough Nice Lady blogs, thank you very much. I could sleep on a bed of nails so long as I have my pillow. And now I am entering that phase of my dotage where I pack my pillow on road trips because I need it so. I understand.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. meANXIETYme says:

    Oh my yes, pillows are SO important. I actually used to MARK the tags on my pillows so when I was changing sheets and the pillows got stacked together, I’d know which was mine. It was no joke. (Now I stack the pillows in separate areas.) Now as to solve your problem about The Mister making the bed wrong? STOP MAKING THE BED. OMG, when I realized that no one cared that the bed needed to be made, I was in heaven. I throw the covers toward the top of the bed (or not) and leave it. I never ask Hub to make the bed because I’d HATE to see that sad confusion and panic in his eyes (he never had to as a kid, but I did every day). No one but he and I see our bedroom, so I don’t even…

    As for the panic loop, well, yes… the headache means tumor ALWAYS (I’ve been fighting that one with the extra hormones, too…headache every day). Last night I almost fell into The Loop because I’ve had this cough going on for a couple of weeks and after the call back for the mammo, I started thinking that maybe I had cancer and it had already spread to my lungs and that was why I was coughing. THAT was a new one for me. I have this sore on the side of my tongue and so I was worried THAT was cancer, so it seemed SO RIGHT to just think that the cough/lungs were cancer. I mean, WTF BRAIN?

    The Loop sucks. I’d like to cut it into tiny little pieces and shove it into the garbage disposal. Hope you’re feeling better now and have recovered from the hangover (which ALSO sucks like a mother-fucker and tries to keep you sucked into The Loop).

    Also, The Mister should have apologized. They should ALWAYS apologize. Period.

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOL Is it any wonder why you’re one of my favorite people ever?
      We need the bed made. We do not like to get into an unmade bed. When we were first married, we never made the bed. We also never used a top sheet. There was an evolution, and now we need the bed made! At the very least the covers are pulled up 3/4 of the way.
      My pillow is obviously mine, as it’s the one with the allergy cover inside the case. My pillow is soft and fluffy and it doesn’t like other people.
      Hormone headaches are awful, because in addition to your headache, you get feeeeeeeelings to accompany it! Blah!

      Liked by 1 person

      • meANXIETYme says:

        It’s funny because I always straighten the bed before I get in at night (not like MAKE IT, but straighten out all the cover and such), but making it in the morning seems like a waste of my energy. LOL Also, Hub STILL doesn’t use a top sheet, so it’s rolled up next to me (until he ends up lying on it in the middle of the night, trapping me or rolling away and taking the whole shebang with him). I have always slept with a sheet and blanket or comforter. I do not understand the no-top-sheet-sleeping world.
        I would never use Hub’s pillows because he always gets firm pillows then pushes them out of the way (WTF!). My pillow is soft and squishy and mold-able so that I can form it to whatever way I end up sleeping. If I had to sleep on a firm pillow, the whole world would know my rage! LOL

        Liked by 1 person

        • I was not good at being married initially. lol I dunno. I’d slept in a comforter without a sheet for…twelve years, and I was hesitant to change my ways. We’d been married about six years when we finally bought a nice new, bigger bed, and the following Christmas, MIL bought us all the pretty new linens to make up a proper bed. It was so pretty, lol! Then I began to obsess about sheets, because I needed sheets that felt as good as my well-worn comforter. Once I got the right sheets, I felt like my mommy made the bed, and it was okay to sleep in it.
          My kids don’t sleep with top sheets either. Of course, I don’t buy them 400TC pima sateen either…soo…they sleep with quilts on top. Except my son, he just face plants on top.
          I read that most of Europe doesn’t sleep with top sheets? Not sure how true it is.
          I need the “soft and squishy and mold-able” pillow too!

          Liked by 1 person

          • meANXIETYme says:

            I’m a total and complete sheet snob. Learned that early on after moving out of my parents’ house where the only sheets we knew were percale no-iron. Again, my mom had this thing about making beds and having the sheets be not wrinkled. I’d rather having soft, silky, WRINKLED sheets than percale ferdamnsure. So yeah, I get it.
            I’ve also heard about Europe and no top sheets. It just seems weird to me!

            Liked by 1 person

  3. My husband’s pillow is better than mine and I always want it. Its from his childhood and probably riddled with bed bugs but its the perfect pillow that cannot be found in stores. When he gets up to use the bathroom I switch them. He can generally tell within a few minutes and he will aggressively yank it out from under me. One time I got to have it for a whole hour before he noticed and it was the best hour of sleep in my life.

    Liked by 2 people

    • LOL! My husband often steals mine, but I’m sure he only steals it on accident. This pillow I have now is from 2013. I had my last one almost 20 years. It’s a mixture of foam and down and I dunno what. It’s fantastic! I always remind him that we went pillow shopping together, and he could have purchased one exactly like mine, but he didn’t.
      Thanks for your comment 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Truth be told, I can only sleep on pillows stuffed with buckwheat hulls. Further, they have to be filled to a certain level as to allow for neck contouring and ‘white space’ around my hair. They cannot be the loud kind – although I don’t know how to ensure I’m ordering the quieter kind. It’s luck or maybe age, type or dryness of the hulls. I travel with such a pillow and have been known to buy another (and freak over the inability to wash the pillow slip) when I’m in a strange city. Bottom line, this is completely relatable up to the Mr. Pillow Switcher. My pillow drama is caused by little thieving munchkins who KNOW how much I like specific pillows and hide them from me when I’m not looking. Devil spawn? You decide. Great post and thanks for sharing your pillow story, Joey.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ellen Hawley says:

    Okay, so this means it’s not just me….

    Liked by 1 person

  6. hollie says:

    “I believe he believes…” I cracked up at that part. I feel your pain in so many ways. Most people don’t “get” that one simple deviation in your routine can set off a string of unpleasantness. My world is full of rituals and routines, partly due to anxiety, but also because my way is just better, mkay? The eye twitches are the worst! Ugh! Hope your day is better today and the Mister doesn’t unintentionally fuck everything up even if it isn’t his fucking fault. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jewels says:

    Hahaha this was hilarious, Joey! Oh wait.. I meant to say… so sorry for your suffering. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  8. cara says:

    This would be hysterically funny, if I didn’t appreciate the seriousness of the pillow issue. I thought my pillow had gone all wrong on me, I was sad and not sleeping well and clearly delusional because I somehow believed that my pillow had just quit. I vowed to get to the store to buy a new one, a better one, one that wouldn’t just stop being the one after a couple of years. I was bitter. I blamed my pillow’s lack of stamina for so many problems… until I found that some little fingers had somehow purloined my pillow and put an imposter in its place!! All is right with the world, if all is right with the pillow.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Holy crap balls! Reading the comments I can see that it’s all of you. My wife is the same way. Heaven help me if I crash one afternoon and she decides I used the wrong pillow. You ladies could live in Turkish prison if only you had your pillow.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Sammy D. says:

    The same thing happened to me and it was ALL HUB’s FAULT!!! He makes the bed and I have a neck support pillow and HE turned it the wrong way and I (barely) slept on it for two nights and two achy-neck days before I figured out what was wrong. There should be a “make my pillow ” law for justifiable homicide 😋

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Dan Antion says:

    Not touching your pillows. Pillows are sacred. The panic loop appeared more humorous than it should, I think. Actually, I only said that so that I wouldn’t offend you by laughing at your stress level and your growing tumor.

    In defense of the Mr, I don’t think it was his fault. He doesn’t sound like a malevolent person, and switching pillows is more work than what men normally put into bed making (which is nothing) so I doubt he thought either 1) I’ll mess with her 2) I’ll see how she likes having a tumor 3) Maybe I’ll try her special f’ing pillows or 4) Which side of the bed does she sleep on?

    OK, #4 is a distinct possibility but that would be an accident.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. jetgirlcos says:

    Haha. Yes, the pillow is VERY important! Mine is memory foam so there’s no way I get it confused with his big overstuffed one. And also I know if he tries to steal it 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  13. cardamone5 says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post because lately my anxiety has been high (for no good reason), and I have been feeling guilty/bad/worthless/worried/panicked/tired/self conscious about it. My most recent worry is the leg I ran over with my car, which tested negative for clots or breaks, but which has this weird hard feeling around my calf muscles, which makes me believe something is wrong…after I waited five days to seek medical attention. Now every twinge and mass worries me. Since then, I feel anxious most days, especially at night if I try to go to bed even slightly hungry. So, then I eat, then I feel guilty about eating, then I get anxious, then it takes a while to fall asleep, then I am groggy the next day, then I am anxious, rinse, recycle, reuse. I just want to go back to my old unanxious self (never existed), but I also want to learn to cope with my anxiety so I no longer need to take meds for it.

    Also, during I phone conversation with my aunt, she regaled me with stories about menopause, which I think is starting for me, including sleeplessness so I am envisioning having to go back up on my meds, eating more before sleep, regaining the weight I worked so hard to lose, havgng surgery for painful periods, etc.



    • This just makes me sad, Fondly Elizabeth. I can tell from your recent posts that you’ve got a bit more on your plate than seems humane, and I’m so sorry you’re suffering from the panic loop. Please try, amidst all your worries, to remember that trauma OF ALL KINDS can take a long time to heal, and that traumas are exponential in relationship to one another.
      Reverse puberty suh-uh-ucks.Try to imagine yourself freed from chaos instead of all the bad stuff.
      You are not alone. ❤


  14. I loved this! although I am not overly attached to my pillows, I do know all about the panic loop. The fear of fear, the headache that must mean a tumour, the anxiety about everything. oh yes I know how you feel!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Laughing about the nice lady blog ! So many anxieties, so little time…been there.
    Why do we make the bed anyway ? I’m sure I do it for myself. Something about an unmade bed and a disorganized mind .
    Funny post. ☺ Van

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Sherry says:

    I’m worn out I gotta say. I’d laugh, if I thought it would help. But seriously, I get it sorta. I think I have a headache or brain tumor now….

    Liked by 1 person

  17. April says:

    I love how you write about your approach to life with anxiety. Unfortunately, I laugh at your expense—-but only because I have had some sort of similar experience. Thanks for making me smile and chuckle. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  18. The Pulp Fiction rant is the absolute best. Mr. H and I used to have pillow scuffles when we had four very different pillows to work with. The accusations happened on a regular basis. Then, one day, we went to IKEA and bought four brand new pillows. Marriage win. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Ha, I love this! Who needs a Nice Lady Blog; I love posts like these! They make me laugh, plus I can relate…so thanks for sharing! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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  21. If Grumpy even thinks about putting his grubby mitts on my down pillow I will be taking him to fist city.

    Liked by 1 person

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