U is for Underwear

The purpose of underwear is right in the word. It’s to be worn under what one wears, under being the keyword.

I’m not going to go into my underwear preferences on my blog, but suffice it to say, I’m not fond of underwear of any sort. It’s right up there with shoes and jewelry and clingy kids and anything else you wanna be free of.

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Unfortunately, I am subjected to the underwear of others on the regular. I’d like to say I only see my family’s underwear, but this is not the case.

Our neighbor, bless his heart, is often outdoors in his robe and a bathing cap. In warm weather, boxers with said robe and cap are optional. Now, he will dress before coming to our door, but he feels perfectly free in walking out into the street to chat to me at 7am. Our dog, being eye-level with his free bits, feels friendly and this may cause the neighbor to crouch and pat the dog. It’s very important to look over his shoulder and focus on the texture of his gravel drive. Best gravel ever. Totally sublime.

Fashion designers believe that women and girls only need a zipper long enough to cover our pubic bones. In reality, not all have a tiny crotch and our sex is known for being round at the back, so as females, our options are limited:
— Buy retro clothes or avant-garde pants, thus attaining zippers longer than our pinkies
— Wear skirts and dresses, avoiding pants entirely
— Wear higher-waisted undies and show them off every time we bend over or sit down
— Wear lower-waisted undies and show our asses every time we bend over or sit down

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There is a curious epidemic spreading. No one seems to know how to stop it.
Men are wearing pants over only their legs.
It’s outlawed from stores, it’s fined in towns and cities, boys are sent home from school, but still, when I am in public, I am forced to see men’s underwear and sometimes their bare bottoms. Apparently this trend started in prison, and now it’s all the rage.
You’d think a belt would solve this problem, but they merely use the belt to fasten the pants below their hips.

Bieber-Sags-His-Pants
This truly fascinates me. I cannot deny, I am truly fascinated. It’s not sexy, because tacky and often, repulsive. It’s not badass, because clearly any man in this circumstance is one-handed, slow, or pantless during a fight…They say it started as a prison trend. How do we end it?

Women have stopped wearing slips. The last one I wore was on my wedding day. I remember this for three reasons:
1. I just got rid of it last week.
2. The women of my wedding party all watched me put it on as I dressed in my mother’s closet “Joey in a slip. I thought I’d never see the day.” I’m surprised no one took a picture.
3. I have a photo of my husband kneeling in the grass, tugging said slip down after the wedding, because my breasts tried to eat it.
You can still buy slips, but most designers have begun adding a layer underneath skirts, so that’s been quite freeing. I never got the point anyway. “I’m wearing this so no one knows I have legs?”
Used to be, you’d whisper to a woman that it was snowing down south and she’d blush and run off to hike up her slip.

We have women who’ve never been educated about how to properly harness their breasts. Yes, all the cheap, pretty bras are for small breasts. No, it’s not fair.

Also? How about wearing the right bra for the top?
Please allow me to introduce you to a variety of bras which may prevent us from seeing your bra straps for the eyesores that they are.

Strapless bras avoid straps altogether. When wearing something strapless, I recommend a strapless bra.

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Here’s another kind of strapless bra, called a bandeau. A bandeau can prevent side boob and comes in a range of kicky colors, perfect for under those oversized tank tops that are so popular.
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Please note, if you are busty, anything strapless will end up as a mere cantilever beneath your breasts, in which case, the answer is NOT to wear a good, but visible bra under clothes that do not cover them. Instead, you should see a woman about a corset.

And finally, behold, the racerback bra, or T-back bra. This is a magnificent bra which can be worn under a tank top of the same shape, preventing the double-strap party of tackiness you take everywhere you go. These come in a variety of styles.

Bra-categories-racerback-bra

If you are a woman who doesn’t know anything about underwear, please go to a specialty store, or find the oldest saleswoman in the lingerie section of a large department store.

If you are a man who doesn’t know how to wear pants and a belt at your waist, any adult can help you, even as they fight back their laughter.

If you are turned-on by the sight of other people’s underwear, congratulations, this is truly your time.

If you are into intentionally showing off your underwear, then please disregard this post.

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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45 Responses to U is for Underwear

  1. I hate it when men wear those awful low slung jeans, it looks ridiculous! I also hate black bras under sheer white shirts. it looks a bit tacky to me!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jewels says:

    Those men’s baggy, underwear showing pants are a pet peeve of mine – so ridiculous! Buy a fricken belt!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. hollie says:

    “One handed, slow, or pants less during a fight” omg I’m cracking up. I’m not into intentionally showing off my underoos and wish that men would pull up their damn pants. My problem is that at least three times a week I use the restroom at work in the morning and discover I’ve got them on inside out…or once, backwards, which was terribly uncomfortable. Did I mention I’m not a morning person? I have very small boobies but I still can’t wear strapless, unless the goal is to look like you’ve got a second pair of boobs after it has worked its way down to your wait and settled there. The quadroboob is not a good look on anybody.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. jetgirlcos says:

    Wow a whole post about underwear! Who knew? This made me smile 🙂 I too detest seeing other peoples underwear and I can’t believe it’s become a “fashion statement !” Do you remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine’s friend wears her bra as a top? Funny!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nagzilla says:

    “or find the oldest saleswoman in the lingerie section” <— I was complaining to one of my friends recently about my inability to find a good fitting bra, and he said, "Honey, you need to go to one of those specialty shops. Find one run by an ancient Eastern European woman with a hairy chin and a thick accent, and I guarantee you'll never complain again. You'll spend $200, but it will be worth it."

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’m usually a live-and-let-live person, but I have to agree, seeing underwear on display is a trend I don’t understand. Walking with your pants hanging below your butt seems so uncomfortable, especially if you have to sacrifice a hand to constantly hold them up. And the bra straps? Yeah, that’s kind of weird. I’m sure it’s a generational thing. I would’ve been mortified to have my bra strap showing when I was younger. Now, it seems to be a fashion look.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I saw a kid the other day at the gas station. He had his pants belted just above his knees, but still he was holding onto them with one hand, while he used the other hand to pump gas. Then I watched him go round and unlock his car with the keychain he’d clipped to his belt loop. Again, one hand on the pants. He had to HUMP his car to get the key high enough to unlock it.
      Mommy or Daddy have enough money for him to drive a Porsche, but he doesn’t have enough sense to wear his pants as directed. Bizarre. Truly. If he could see himself. Tsk.

      Maybe it is generational. I thought I’d quick put a tank on before we went to play tennis. I thought I could manage with the edges of my bra straps out — cause just tennis — but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. lol Tee shirt for me 😉

      Like

  7. Norm 2.0 says:

    Great post and amen to that!
    As someone on the cusp of old fart-dom I have a list of 5 things I don’t ever want displayed in front of me. No matter your sex, how old or Young you are, fit or not, I do not want to see all or parts of: Your ass, your tummy, your chest, your genitals and your underwear.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. mewhoami says:

    Too funny! Thank you for touching on this very important, and often overlooked subject. I cannot stand to see a man wearing his pants around his thighs. Do they truly not realize how horribly tacky and unappealing that looks? And I completely agree about those hipster jeans. It’s hard to walk into stores these days and not find someone kneeling down to grab something, while their backside is practically unclothed for the whole world to see. When will this madness end? 🙂 Great post! (Shared it on Reddit – hope you don’t mind)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sammy D. says:

    Oh here, here. I have no clue why it’s not acceptable for underwear to be almost as visible as ‘wear’. Just yesterday at the ‘Y’ a 50-ish man was on the stairmaster – maybe the elastic in his sweat pants had given way – and his butt crack was in full view for all who walked by. It was such an ‘ick’ moment I wished his mother was there to hike up his pants.

    Don’t get me started though on the myriad ways bras don’t fit the boobs, the back, the underarms or anywhere else on us Living Longers!! no matter the style or the cost, bras do NOT fit visually or comfortably.

    Good piece, Joey. It needed to be said!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Dan Antion says:

    I’m gonna go with the ‘like’ button pressed and a hearty congratulations on making it to ‘U’ in the A-to-Z challenge. We run a pretty views-of-underwear-free household, and I’m with Norm on the stuff I don’t want to see in public. I am befuddled though. Prison fashion spreading outside the razor wire? How does that even…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You are too funny! Too many great points to comment for this challenging letter U. In an interesting twist of language I ended me writing a couple of lines about underwear too, although unrelated to your topic. So I like this post even more!
    Getting curious about the last letters of the alphabet…
    See you tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Sherry says:

    i wear sports bras. More comfortable by far.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. cardamone5 says:

    Well, when underwear shows, it’s annoying, and as a big chested lady, I totally get and have experienced your point about strapless bras. I can’t wear them. All I ever did when I had one one was pull it up. Annoying.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. rgemom says:

    Oh my goodness….this is awesome!! And so spot on!! Thanks for the giggle, and for saying what needed to be said.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hahahaha. This was really funny. Well done! Good lord, wearing no belt and my pants hanging down past my but is the LAST way I’d want to dress in prison. Because of rape. Man rape. Give me two belts please.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Pistachios says:

    I cracked up laughing at “Best gravel ever” 😄
    I also hate jeans that have next to no crotch area. But a good “hack” for this problem is to wear mens’ jeans – it is possible to find a pair that fit nicely and that no one will be suspicious of (just, you know, might need a belt…)
    And I don’t get why some girls wear those really short shorts that look like briefs/diapers. What even is the point?

    Liked by 1 person

  17. markbialczak says:

    Nobody anywear looks good wearing your pants too low. It started with the ugly plumber’s crack of the fat man worker, spread to the unwanted tramp stamp of the flighty twentysomething coed and now ends up with the whole upper leg half of prison-yard wannabes and everything-above pubic bone of Slim and Think-They-Are Fashionistas. Why, oh, why, Joey? I’ll leave the bra ‘splainin’ to you, good job that you’ve done.

    Like

  18. josephurban says:

    I tend to be very liberal but I draw a line on butt cracks. Or , I mean, I refuse to budge on butt cracks…or, uh…I take a stand on butt cracks..oh…nevermind.

    Liked by 1 person

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