She’ll Be Bastin Big Fat Turkey When She Comes

You’re probably reading this while my parents are here. I said they could come over at a reasonable hour, like 9am. I don’t think they classify 9am as morning, but I do. *yawns*

I’ve been clever, and prepared 98% of the food in advance. You are so proud of me.

I’ll make some scrambled eggs, ham, and toast around 11, which will be our lunch, and maybe they’ll eat too. You never can tell with these people. They’re too polite to tell you they’re hungry.
Telling them I cook every day, often twice a day, doesn’t convince them that I don’t mind cooking. I mastered cooking for six to eight a long time ago, and did it for so long, it took me almost a year to stop pulling too many plates out every night and even longer to stop buying two pounds of beef for chili. No matter how much your family loves chili, they will get sick of it. Eventually.

Anyway, after that I plan to starve my children until their daddy gets home for dinner. Then I’m going to fry up some green maters. But in the fridge, I have deli meats, cheeses, pickles, olives, Israeli salad, cottage cheese, grapes, cantaloupe, blueberries, and pineapple. I shall lay out a loaf of bread and a veritable smorgasbord of noms.

I even bought the paper plates my dad likes, because when he comes, he always gasps at the amount of dishes and asks why we don’t use paper plates, and I suppose I have given up explaining that it’s not fiscally or environmentally responsible to use so many paper plates. It just makes me sound like such a tree-hugging, bleeding heart liberal, doesn’t it?
We’re still going to use cloth napkins, though, and that’s that.

For dessert, there’s angel food cake, sugared strawberries, and vanilla ice cream. I even have a bit of whipping cream in there, but I don’t know that I should go to all the trouble to put the cream in the mixer and slide the lever.

I suppose I’m as predictable to them as they are to me…

So I thought maybe I’d have a little fun this year. A little fun with the predictability.

Virtually every time I post a food pic, my mother goes on about it. But then, when I get the woman on the phone and ask her what she’d like to eat while she’s with me, she says, “Somethin simple, please.”
*rolls eyes*
If you come to my house, be prepared to demand food, okay? Sitting around thinking about food to cook is a bee in my bonnet. My family endures the request for menu ideas weekly. Inevitably, it has long been like this:
The Mister: Food.
Bubba: Meatloaf! Ribs! Curry!
Sissy: Fried chicken.
Sassy: Spaghetti. Mmm, spaghetti.
Moo: Moo Stew! No, that stuff with the things and the corn, like potato soup? Oh, potato soup! Those things with the avocado and the green stuff. Not the cilantro, that other green stuff. I like those. And those wraps with the red things in the jar. Chickyaki! Curry! I’ll make naan! Challah! Challah French toast! How about Pancakes? Ooh, how about the quinoa chicken things with baby carrots? Do we have baby carrots? Are there any butter beans? Biscuits and gravy! We should have melon night like we have cheese night! BLTs! Israeli salad! Tortellini soup! Tuna pasta! Potato salad! Tacos! Peanut butter pie!

Have something in mind. Be more Moo and less The Mister, k?

So…some fun…


My friend Shay said yes, do this, and screenshot the results.


My mother, she is so gracious, non?
The Southern is strong in her. Willing to cook all day on her vacation. Bless her heart.

I almost feel badly about sharing this naughtiness with you. I may actually leave the coasters out instead of watching them panic over where to set their drinks.

What quirky unspoken family traditions do you have?

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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50 Responses to She’ll Be Bastin Big Fat Turkey When She Comes

  1. Benson says:

    Moo sounds like me when I am trying to figure what I want to fix for dinner. Everything sounds so good. I always use 2 pounds of beef for chili;and there is only 2 of us. Is Israeli Salad anything like Tabbouleh? I like that. If you use cous-cous instead of Bulgar you can call it Coubbouleh.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. *Sighs.* My mom raps. We just had a guest celebrity rapper at her 70th birthday bash. It was a tie. (Although this is true, the sigh was dramatised. Love her even more for this.)

    Enjoy your time.

    Try rapping.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I like the sound of your house, Joey. Loads of good food to eat! I thought it was so sweet that your mum was quite prepared to get stuck into cooking a bloody great turkey with all the trimmings! Not easily fazed is she? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. meANXIETYme says:

    I hope you have a fantastic time with your parents and everyone enjoys ALL the noms! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. orbthefirst says:

    HI MA! Lol
    Cheeseburgers, please. Or you know, something meaty. Oh, and eggs. Any way you like, Ill eat em. French toast sounds nice…Ill snack on carrots, pretzels, cheese, crackers (going through a tube of crackers in one sitting is not uncommon, lol)..whatever, just no chips. Dont like chips. 😛
    Oh, and only 2lbs of meat in chili? My ma puts in 5..for the 2 of us. We like ours thick though, not runny.
    Our house does this thing; If were eating so are you. Foods over there, plates are there. Silverware is in the lazy susan on the table. 😛
    Hope you have fun. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I bet mothers struggle similarly. Sassy often wants cheeseburgers, too. She’s very cheeseburger, burrito oriented, right after spaghetti.
      I’m guessing that chili IS thick! 😛 I like a soupy chili, made thick with crackers 😛
      Pretzels. Yeah, I haven’t had pretzels in awhile. I like pretzels and cheddar… *adds to list* See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? lol

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Laughing. Every year at the holidays, I buy an extra frozen turkey, just so we can have a Thanksgiving feast in the middle of summer…when we get sick of the BBQ. It’s always amazing, and well appreciated. ☺☺ I come from a foodie kind of family…they all bring stuff or cook. My husband’s family…like to go out. Different strokes….☺ Enjoy the company.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thank you, we all had a great time! I think I will do a Thanksgiving dinner sometime this summer. I always start craving it when the Canadians have theirs. Maybe I’ll beat them to it this year! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Holly says:

    On my way now…

    Though, I realize with my avatar, I risk having an apple stuck in my mouth and being roasted, so on second thought…

    Liked by 2 people

  8. A @ moylomenterprises says:

    Funny 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  9. April says:

    the inhabitants of this house can never give me their dinner wishes for the week so it’s up to me. Nine times out of ten, our youngest won’t eat it. Anyway, for quirks? My family…extended included is just plain quirky all around.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. ghostmmnc says:

    I don’t mind cooking anything at all, just somebody tell me what they want! If it’s my decision, it would be breakfast food 3 x a day. or we just go out, and don’t ask me where…I don’t care and can’t make a decision on it, so surprise me, ok? …enjoy your parents visit! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. mamalisa4 says:

    I cook and cook and just when i think i have enough i cook some more! lol Your mother is so polite though, she sounds very sweet. 🙂 BTW the food sounds delicious! I will come over and eat any time 🙂 NOM!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Norm 2.0 says:

    Wow, your mom’s a sweetheart. If I had tried that with my Mom she’d have flat out told me where to stuff my turkey 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Anxious Mom says:

    Haha! Tell her you’ve set aside some laundry that needs to be folded and left the bathroom cleaner out too, see if she sticks with the nice response 😀

    Our only family tradition involving food is everyone teasing me about what I eat, especially at Thanksgiving.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Hand to God, Sassy was helpin me put on a Band-Aid and I thought, ‘Why is my kid doing this? My mother’s here!’ LOL
      I was folding linens when they arrived! 😛


  14. Chez Shea says:

    Love the sound of your kitchen, and your menu’s and your parents!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Dan Antion says:

    If she’s really willing to do it, I’d go for the turkey. I’m more likely to give you the Mister’s answer. I’ll eat any of the things I eat on any given day. Moo’s menu has too many of the things I don’t eat, but you could serve me Biscuits and gravy every day for a week.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Moo IS an adventurous eater, she is 🙂
      I tell you, I’m thinkin about that turkey — those dry turkey sammiches after, ooh!
      Right? I love biscuits and gravy, but I’m pretty sure gravy is dangerous, lol!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Josh Wrenn says:

    Hahahaha! That is funny!!!! I’m making strawberry shortcake tonight! And dinner, but the strawberry shortcake. Did I mention strawberry shortcake?

    Liked by 1 person

  17. joannesisco says:

    I think I’ve said it before … please adopt me! Someone who likes to cook!! I don’t like cooking, I don’t like menu planning. UGH.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Okay, that cracks me up because last time my parents came to visit, my mom showed up with a turkey! They drove seven hours to get here, then stopped at the store and bought a turkey because my mom really, really wanted to show me how to cook it in this as-seen-on-TV oven that she bought. It was totally a “bless your heart” moment!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. dalecooper57 says:

    When my mum comes to stay, she always wants to take us out for a meal “somewhere nice”, so I’m slowly working my way down a list of all the most expensive local restaurants.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. garym6059 says:

    Already thinking of some five-course spread for you to make next time I’m in the Circle City area!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. My kids are more Mister than Moo, yet then complain about the choices or look inside the overflowing pantry or fridge and declare that there isn’t any food! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Ally Bean says:

    Love this post. It’s good to know yourself and how to poke fun at your family. No quirky traditions here. No family to speak of, so I suppose it follows that I keep my quirks to myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. marianallen says:

    Tell Moo I’ll be right over.


  24. My daughter and SIL are both what I’d classify as gourmet cooks or chefs in training so several years back they took over all the holiday cooking. They cook, I eat. It’s a wonderful arrangement. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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