Being a total comfort creature of habit, my weekly lunches don’t vary much. Either I stop for nuggets and a yogurt at homophobic chicken, I stop at Pandaspress for black pepper chicken, or I eat yogurt and fruit and stuff.
Last week, I was on my way to nuggets when I realized I had to poop with such an urgent intensity that I could not drive another block north, so I stopped at Panera. I’m not a fan. I’ve eaten there maybe five times in ten years. But y’all, I had to stop there! Had to! Mercy, I was grateful for that restroom!
The line was merely one lady long when I left the restroom. oh what the hell, do somethin different, joey, you’re already here, may as well. So I got behind the lady and we waited for the cashier to return.
In the meantime, a man carried a toddler child to the lady, “She’s makin me crazy. You go back and sit with her and I’ll order.”
“Just leave her with me.”
The child reached for the lady, locked her legs around her waist and they shared love-yous. I already wanted to give that man a good what for, but it got worse.
Apparently, he’d never looked at their menu.
> Cue the music <
A whole new woooorld…
Much oohing and aahing. He started asking the lady questions about the food. I clock-watched (:40) and I wanted to hit him.
The lady said to him, “I’m ordering chicken avocado. I always get you chicken avocado. You like chicken avocado.”
But he was so overwhelmed with the menu, he would never settle for chicken avocado.
Finally the cashier returned (:42.)
The lady ordered and the man began.
“What’s a baguette?” he asked.
I thought the lady might hit him. She turned to him, eyes wide, and without blinking, flatly stated, “Bread.”
“Why would I want bread with a sandwich?”
because it’s panera, you dolt! you’re at panera! it’s all about bread! pan is right in the fucking name!
He asked the cashier a series of questions, changed his order more than once. I clocked-watched (:46) i coulda shit my pants, gone home, showered, and come back by now! just listen to your wife and let her order you the chicken avocado, man!
I had a right mind to tell him he was makin both of us crazy and to go sit down.
“I don’t know,” he turned to the lady, “Would I like it warmed?”
oh for fuck’s sake.
It was my turn (:49) but the cashier had gone away again.
Finally, I ordered.
Roasted turkey raised without antibiotics, Vermont white cheddar, fresh apple and cabbage slaw, arugula and mustard horseradish sauce on Cranberry Walnut Bread.
Sounds nutritious, doesn’t it?
It’s ridiculously good. It’s especially good when you eat the other half the next day. It’s the kinda good where when stuff slides out, you pick up every speck and eat it.
My plan this week was to leave early enough to stand in line at Panera and order two of those sandwiches, so I could eat a half every day of the week.
But it gets better!
They have rapid pick-up. You order, you drive over and voilà! So that’s what I did on Tuesday. I rapid ordered online for all week’s sammiches.
Oh Sammich, I love you!
Sadly, I was surprisingly hungry yesterday, ate the whole damn thing AND the pickle. Now I’m back to yogurt and raspberries. But I’ll go back, I’ll totally go back, because I’ve fallen in love with a sandwich.
Happy Friday Everyone!
Just Jot It January brought to you by LindaGHill