For a change, not anxiety, heh. Okay, still there, but not the focus today.
I am nearing the end of my work project. I have the math portions left. The math. Itemized maths. Oy. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve got tons of math anxiety and a smidge of dyscalculia. At least once a day I’m convinced the numbers are NOT doing the maths right, and every time… ever single time… wait for it… it’s… human error.
Goin into work today, I was already at 35 hours this week, TRYING to get the thing done. I’d even grown a bit snippy. Me. Snippy. Can you imagine?
Yesterday, my head revolted.
It wanted to be a migraine.
I turned out the light in my office.
I took medicine. (I hate medicine.)
I told Mentor I’d do a thing, and then I hadda call her and be all, “I lied a lil bit. I did most of the thing, but I can’t keep doin the thing. My eyes are failing. I need to not look at tiny faded numbers. I need to type boldly a while, then I’ll go back to the thing.”
That didn’t last long. I could not. My head pounded, my eyes burrrrned. I think my right eye was tryin to roll into a safe space. Oh, twas awful. I fought it. i will math forever! or at least to solution. i’m going to finish this thing if it fucking kills me!
What was going to kill me were the non-linear numbers. Put the numbers in columns, People!
Mentor stood behind me, she said, “Maybe you should go home and get some rest.”
“Maybe. Yeah. I should. I think my eyes are about to bleed.”
oh my god, what if mentor is disappointed?!? in me! omg omg omg
“You mean that, right?”
“Yes, of course.”
“You know, you used to tell me I worked too hard, that I worked too long. Now I’m worried you think I’ve turned into a lazy cow, must’ve lost my ambition, leavin at four fifteen.”
She laughed. “Oh yes, suck it up, YOUUU WUSS! I won’t be satisfied until I see the blood drip from your eye sockets!”
I collected my things and left. I laughed about that later. And today. And I’m still laughing about it. But quietly, cause head is moody and we wouldn’t want to alert it to our current pain-free status. Shh.
I hadda go home and rest my eyes. I couldn’t like doors or read or watch tv. I hadda lie on The Mister and LISTEN to the tv while he rubbed me. Oy. The tv was funny and The Mister was generous, devoted, helpful…
Then the arm started. I say arm but it’s from shoulder to fingertip. And it’s fickle. It’s like havin some sorta evil entity livin in your bones, randomly terrorizing you. They show you x-rays and you’re like, “That’s it?” because you expect to see tiny sadistic trolls with mohawks and face tattoos in there, screamin at thrash metal music while they tighten your bones in vices and kick them with their big ass punk boots and drill into your joints with miniature corkscrews. Yeah, modern imaging is very disappointing. Whitish crap next to whiter crap and no one will ever hire you to be a hand model, but it doesn’t look as bad as it feels.
I don’t complain much because it’s been worse, it will get worse again, and other people have it worse, but dammit, I need to complain right now.
I promise, this won’t turn into my dueling arthritises blog.
It’s not the math, y’all. I woke up today with the arm and the head and immediately checked the weather and I loaded myself up with all the western medicine, but also, I prayed for the rain.
Arm has gone back to its dull achy norm, but weather headache continues to come and go. It’s supposed to thunderstorm, and instead the sky leaks and clears up like the clouds are faulty, and y’all need to pray for the rain, light a candle, slaughter a chicken over a fire or whatever. If you’re an atheist, I understand, but can ya make me a cuppa tea or somethin?
I’m math free for two whole days, now LET IT STORM! I wanna enjoy every minute of it!
Happy Friday Everyone!