It’s At Four Percent!

Privacy is important to us. I grew up with privacy and my husband grew up without any and we decided early on that privacy is a good thing and worth teaching as a family value.

We are not a snooping family.
We do not pry.
We don’t believe in TMI, but we don’t ask for it, either.

We are also a largely immodest crew and generally, an open door people. In the house. Amongst ourselves. When you are not here, we are half-naked, blasting music, and having wildly inappropriate conversations, so you can see why we don’t want to stop doing that and behave ourselves when people come to call. At any given moment we are sporting BiorΓ© strips, eating ice cream like hogs at the trough, and talkin shit about you, and that’s why you should always, always call ahead.

That being said, certain events do require closed doors. AND THAT’S PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY TIME OUR BEDROOM DOOR IS EVER CLOSED AND WHEN WE CLOSE THE DOOR, WE LOCK IT.

When the children were smaller people, we would answer sweetly from behind the door, “Yes, Baby, what’s wrong?” and as they grew more verbal, we were nice, but specific, in our direction that they should not bother Mama and Daddy when the door is closed.

Reasons to knock include and are limited to:

FIRE
EXCESSIVE BLEEDING
BROKEN BONES
CHOKING

 

When they’re small, you gotta get creative. You gotta buy new video games and put out snack food. What a special night! You gotta go wrap presents. Ooh, presents! You gotta get the big ones to take the little ones to the park. Park! Park! You gotta wear those kids out so they’re asleep early. Big day!

They get older and wiser and they hear the door close and lock — they all automatically and voluntarily hightail it out to the living room to play video games and eat snack food with the clear understanding that only in the event of FIRE, EXCESSIVE BLEEDING, BROKEN BONES, OR CHOKING, should they ever knock on that closed door.

You come out smiling at food wrappers and empty cans. You feign interest in the worgly whatsits in the game. You think you’ve done a good job as parents. Your children understand privacy is an important element in their family structure.

Until one night, when your door is shut and locked and someone knocks,.

“WHAT?!?”
“My phone is dying and I left my cord at Sophia’s and I really need a cord.”
“Are you kidding me? No. Go away!”
“It’s at four percent!”
“GO AWAY.”

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!

 

 

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
This entry was posted in Random Musings and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

41 Responses to It’s At Four Percent!

  1. For kids today? I daresay 4 percent is more of an emergency than choking.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. markbialczak says:

    To that younger one, 4 percent comes just before bled out, I have to guess, Joey.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Laura says:

    I. Am. Dying.
    DYING.
    If you didn’t throw something big and heavy at that door then it’s a win. Bless their hearts. πŸ˜†πŸ€£

    Liked by 2 people

  4. loisajay says:

    haha! No problem, Joey! I will always call ahead of time! You are a riot.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Bill says:

    Come on guys. Dead phones are emergencies! Thanksgiving, our neighbor calls. Borrow some food item? Nope. Grandson (late teens to early 20s) forgot his phone charging cord and he needed to borrow one. End of day he returned cord and said thank you. Happy Friday back atcha, y’all.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dan Antion says:

    I love that you qualify bleeding with “EXCESSIVE” – because anything less will surely clot before you die.

    Oh the horror of a phone at 4% That’s way beyond broken bones on the scale.

    Thanks for the Friday laughs!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. They can’t ask someone else for a phone charging cord?

    They need to learn to handle emergencies themselves! Maybe they don’t really know what goes on behind closed doors.

    This is the first great belly laugh of the day. Merci.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ally Bean says:

    Funny. From this I learned that to today’s youth a 4% charge is on the same level of panic as a house fire. Interesting insight into the people who’ll be caring for us in our old age. 😳

    Liked by 2 people

  9. John Holton says:

    My God! 4%? How does the child live?!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. ghostmmnc says:

    haha so funny! Maybe a lesson learned? Don’t leave your phone cord at your friend’s house? πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Now that they’re older, I’m surprise they don’t just leave the house to avoid the whole idea of Mom and Dad wanting to close the bedroom door. Mom and Dad? No way!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. ROFL!!! OMG! I’m gonna die it’s at 4 percent!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. JT Twissel says:

    LOL. As children age their emergencies change…..

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Benson says:

    That is Hilarious. Oh the agony of the young. I am sure 4% is equal to choking. At least. Happy Friday.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I’ve had a somewhat stressful day so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the chuckles, smiles, and laughter I enjoyed reading this. If I’m coming, I’ll always call because I want to make sure you have ‘good’ coffee on hand and some kind of dessert. For Christmas, I think you need to buy a phone charger and put it right next to the fire extinguisher. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Anxious Mom says:

    Sounds like an extra charging cable would make a good Christmas gift. Attach a note that will embarrass her like, “Next time don’t bother mom and dad when the door is close, OKAY?”

    Like

  17. JoAnna says:

    Way to stick to the boundaries! She will likely not leave the cord at Sophia’s again if the cord is that important.There might be a joke in there about stretching umbilical cords, but I can’t quite reach it. Or maybe I should leave that door closed.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Joanne Sisco says:

    It’s clear where “dying phone” is on the list of priorities – maybe not yours exactly, but definitely on hers!! Funny – I was curious where the 4% was going to come in and didn’t see it coming πŸ˜†

    … I must be old πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I am laughing, should I be laughing? LOL Love your blogs. They brighten my day.

    Like

  20. bikerchick57 says:

    Wildly inappropriate conversations at your house? Can I come for a visit? :-p

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Amy says:

    It’s funny what teenagers deem life-threatening! lol. We are wildly inappropriate and never prepared for unexpected company. :p

    Liked by 1 person

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