Shoulda Been a Doors Post

We bank online. Our only brick and mortar branch is in San Antonio and we can’t make it to Texas every time we wanna bank, so we bank online and through an app on The Mister’s phone. It’s good. I love our bank.

My work uses an actual bank not far from our office. On occasion, I visit that bank to do business. It’s as I remember literal banking. The branch is shiny and spacious. The staff is well-dressed and they smile and make small talk as they efficiently process our transactions. I like it. It’s good.

This week, I ran a banking errand for work and went to a whole nother kinda bank. A credit union, actually. It was a bit of a drive. I was glad to arrive, and decided my way back to work would be better than Google’s lemme-take-you-round-the-block route. But first, banking!

Credit union place has metal detectors within the vestibule. The first door is free. The second door is locked and requires approval from the door god.
BEEP!
The voice of BEEP spoke to me, saying, “Put the metal in the tray…” or someshit. There was no tray. I set my keys on a ledge. Said ledge was about the size of my husband’s hand.
BEEP!
The voice spoke again.
I took my phone (metal case) out of my pocket and set it on the ledge.
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
My coat has metal buttons. I took my coat off and set it on the floor.
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray….”
My handbag has metal hardware.
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
I set my handbag under the ledge.
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
I took my earrings out and put them in my handbag.
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
i got copper rivets in my jeans and underwires in my bra and for the love of puppies, how sensitive is this thing!
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
Finally, not the voice of BEEP, but an actual human voice told me, “Go ahead and come in.”

MERCY.

After some reassembly of my assemblage, I drove back without Google and this should clearly illustrate what it’s like to live in modern times. Rather Dickensian.

“I wish you would make up your mind, Mr. Dickens. Was it the best of times or was it the worst of times? It could scarcely have been both.”

Happy Friday Everyone!

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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65 Responses to Shoulda Been a Doors Post

  1. Ally Bean says:

    A funny experience but for the love of puppies, why? I’ve had probs with the underwire in my bra at airports, but never going into a credit union. Shouldn’t they just be happy you’ve bothered to stop by?

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I was their solitary standing patron. I think there may have been another seated patron at one of the desks, but it was hard to tell. Everyone was dressed casually and no one wore name tags.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. markbialczak says:

    They are so very secure and probably not too busy, Joey. Only the very patient customers will wait out that silly system.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. And, this is why you do your personal banking online. πŸ™‚ I always find it interesting that since the days of Jesse James certain people think they can just ride/walk/drive up to a bank and make a withdrawal of other people’s money. In this age of low unemployment, my response is – get a job and earn your own money or smile at that security camera. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dan Antion says:

    That probably wasn’t the time to start snapping pictures of the door, the metal detector and the vault. “No, no, you have it all wrong, the pictures are for Thursday Doors. Seriously. What, do you people live under rocks?”

    I’m glad the human finally let you in.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Maggie says:

    What a great not so funny funny story. I recently went to a women’s retreat where we were all gifted a microwaveable rice bag neck pillow. We all packed them in our carryons when we left the retreat. We all got pulled aside because I guess rice bags look dangerous and unidentifiable on X-ray.

    The machine at the airport always goes off on me. My knee must be old and look like titanium because the machine always goes off. And I always get my hands swabbed, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. loisajay says:

    Oh, Joey.….laughing so hard. Where is the guy with the wand-thing when you need him? Probably sitting at his desk, pushing to beeper and laughing his ass off…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This story brings to mind one of the very first “filmstrips” we watched in grade school – called “My Financial Career.” Here’s a link to the National Film Board creation we saw that day. https://www.nfb.ca/film/my_financial_career/

    Now, while the hapless character’s experience is not exactly the same as yours, it is close enough.

    What I do find similar is that your ability to amuse is not unlike Steven Leacock’s.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Oh Maggie, I loved that! — must have thought he was a Rockefeller! LOL “Never!” I have worked at banks, and some people truly are nervous in them. Thanks for sharing that gem, and for the great compliment.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. A good reason to never bank at that location again. I can’t imagine they’ll last that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. ghostmmnc says:

    How strange, but you tell it so funny. Thought for sure you’d have to totally strip down before you could go inside the bank. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  10. eschudel says:

    I’m sure it’s all for our convenience!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ellen Hawley says:

    The door god! Of course. I should’ve known who was responsible.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. marianallen says:

    OMG, laughing so hard! Not at your irritation, but at your humor, and at that cartoon. LOVE IT! I also understand your frustration with the Google. It’s like I always say: GPS is programmed by zombies. It always wants to take you some roundabout way, often through wastelands and cemeteries. One time, I finally showed up at a friend’s house and told her where the GPS had told me she lived, and she said, “Oh, yeah, that’s a crack house. It always sends people there.” !!!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. rvpackard says:

    πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Benson says:

    My bank has 2 doors but no beep. I hardly ever go there in person I prefer doing all of my banking online. If my bank did have a metal detector I would probably change banks. I miss your doors. That opening is marvelous. That Dickens sure could string words together.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I would change banks, too. The worst part was the bit where it read, “One person entry at a time” and I thought about families, parents with small children, children with frail parents. Very not nice place.

      Like

  15. Swinged Cat says:

    I guess you weren’t keen on stripping to do your banking? Sheesh…sounds as bad as the airport experience nowadays! We don’t have metal detectors at our banks. Probably a good thing…it gets pretty cold in the wintertime. I’d rather wear more than boxer shorts when coming inside!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I was NOT going to take off one more thing, that’s fersure! I suppose I was glad to have had on loafers, as boot zippers or studs may have done me in as well!

      Like

  16. Rivergirl says:

    Ya gotta love security.
    Years ago when we were in France ….. we needed to exchange some currency and entered a bank like that. I made it through the first door and was then locked in an antichamber because I was wearing too much jewelry. They wouldn’t let me in… or out. And were screeching at me in French.
    Good times.
    Not!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Bill says:

    Occasionally, we still need cash. I don’t like the outside ATM things. I walked into my credit union. The human she-teller smiled and offered to help me. I handed her a check to deposit and said I wanted to withdraw $XXX.00, all 20-dollar bills.
    She slid the deposit check through reader, smiled again and confirmed “from checking,” then asked amount and bill denominations, again. Then the ATM next to her spit out my cash. She picked up the cash from a machine, counted it for me and placed it in a small envelope and wished me a pleasant day.
    I laughed when I got to my car. Wife asked why. “Because there are no longer tellers capable of opening a cash drawer and counting out money. They are indoor, humanoid ATM operators with nice hair. a distracting decollete, or a handsomely trimmed beard. The armed guard is unnecessary and Bonnie and Clyde would be such failures today.”

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Jewels says:

    I never would have gotten into the credit union with my metal knees – you should have seen the pat down they gave me at the airport the other day on account of them. Geesh!

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Norm 2.0 says:

    Ugh! Your story almost makes me glad I have a pacemaker and can’t go through metal detectors any more. I usually like to mess with them a little and after explaining why I can’t go through their metal detecting contraption I give them an extra-friendly smile and a naughty wink while telling them they’ll just have to frisk me πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Amy says:

    How frustrating! I banked at a credit union in my late teen years when I worked for a hospital. It did not have beeping doors! On my last overseas trip, I set off the metal detector all but once! Happy Friday!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Laura says:

    Ack! Metal detectors!! Wonder if that human voice would have chimes in sooner if you’d gone keys, phone, underwire bra hanging over ledge. πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

  22. scr4pl80 says:

    Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve been in our branch but there is only one door and no metal detectors that I can see. Wonder what would have happened if you had started to take off your top – LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. My goodness how baffling and frustrating that must have been, At least you got in πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Joanne Sisco says:

    Too funny!! Sorry for laughing at your expense but I could visualize the whole thing 🀣

    Liked by 1 person

  25. JoAnna says:

    Your sense of humor suggests you adapt well to something I would find a little creepy.If my friendly bank ever gets metal detectors, (I can’t imagine) I’ll have to push through my paranoia and do more on line. You make it sound comfortable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      My husband works in finance, so let me comfort and discomfort you at the same time, as he does his clients — your institutional financial information is already entirely online whether you access it that way or not.
      I go through metal detectors fairly frequently, but am used to be wanded and let through.
      I would never use that credit union, and I won’t visit there again unless it’s for my job. NOT a pleasant or expedient experience. Bank staff was as bad as the entry. I was making a deposit. The paperwork was complete on our end when I arrived. Slip and check. I was in there for 20+ minutes for a simple deposit. !!!

      Like

      • JoAnna says:

        OMG! That’s crazy about the 20 minutes, bad staff. Sounds like they don’t want customers to come in. The on line thing has something to do with thinking that when I access my account, I’m increasing the risk. I’m making progress though. Thanks for the info.

        Liked by 1 person

  26. bikerchick57 says:

    I am a member of a credit union, but there are no metal detectors. I can see the reasoning for it…money, potential robberies, etc…but it shouldn’t require taking off your bra. Someone at that CU needs to work on calibration and settings.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. A place like that would have my nerves on edge. I’m almost positive that they were not busy. What people would actually put up with that nonsense? And Joey, I AGAIN became unfollowed at your blog. Now I’m pissed. Every time I come here that box has been unchecked. This is what the FIFTH time this has happened? Deep breath ….. darn it!

    Liked by 1 person

  28. kirizar says:

    I wonder if the tellers were waiting to see how far you’d undress before giving up and going home. I guess wiser minds prevailed before you discovered whether you’d hit your skivvies.

    Like

  29. JT Twissel says:

    Oh my – sounds worse than going through security at the airport. Mercy is right. Love that Dicken’s quote. So true.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Kat says:

    Sounds like the worst of times to me! Stick to your personal remote banking and leave those pesky work bank errands to someone with plastic accessories.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. You sure have super cautious credit unions over there, Joey.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Anxious Mom says:

    Might be easier to get in the White House than that bank. Online banking is lovely. My husband works at the corporate center for a bank, so we bank with them, but there are no branches in our town and the corporate center doesn’t do actual banking for the little people, so online it is. No people, lovely.

    Like

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