K is for Kitchen

Because I am a person who spends a great deal of time in the kitchen, I need things to function.
So, when the garbage disposal started making sounds like it was going to fly up through the drain and eat my face off, I started researching how to fix it. But then, it stopped making that noise. When Mr. F came by, it started doing it again. He heard it and said it needed to be adjusted. I said how sad it is that we are always having these conversations when The Mister is not home.

The Mister is virtually never home. I mean, this is sort of the crux of our marriage. I wait for that man like no other woman has ever waited for a man. You may remember how much I enjoy my solitude, so it’s not like I’m mad about it, but there are certain things I cannot do on my own.

I watched videos and read instructions on how to adjust my garbage disposal. Yes, I did push the reset button, and then I did put an allen wrench in there and wiggle it back and forth to make sure the blades were free to spin. And the garbage disposal continued growling and whirring, until eventually it only hummed. No amount of resets or allen wrenching could bring the beast back.

Within a week of the crazy metal-on-metal sound the garbage disposal made, the dishwasher stopped working. I researched that, too, but I was only able to go so far, because I couldn’t get the third trap out, thank you arthritis.

The concept that the dishwasher stopped draining because of the garbage disposal DID occur to me, and I researched that, too, but I am not comfortable with plumbing. I’m petrified of electricity, but only uncomfortable with plumbing. So I had to wait it out. Wait for The Mister to be home long enough to fiddle. He could take the pipes apart and check for a clog.

I have lived years without a garbage disposal and a dishwasher. It’s not my favorite, but really, I can cope with scraping and washing dishes with my own hands.

Until the sink goes wonky, too.

The bolts that hold the faucet loosened. The aerator came off the faucet. The sprayer lost power because so much water came out of the faucet.

Doing dishes became a nightmare.

And when the garbage disposal hummed, it didn’t take any of the water down. I did dishes with the water spraying crazy, getting me all wet, long enough to actually get bored, because the faucet wouldn’t stay where I put it, not allowing me to wash one thing while another rinsed, until the water got too high, so then I’d stop, let it drain, and go back for another shift.

Thursday night, my patience broke.
The water on the left no longer drained at all.

>Cue the freak out<

“I know you’re very busy, and you’re hardly ever home, and you are so tired, and so stressed out, and you really need your downtime, but I cannot live like this! This is akin to people livin through renovations, washin their dishes in the fuckin bathtub! I’m not a princess, I can scrape and wash dishes with my very own hands, but either put in a new garbage disposal, or replace the pipes so that the water drains! I will call a plumber, so help me God, I will!”

The Mister, he nod. He assent. Too tired to fight, bless his heart.

Last night, we had an early dinner and picked up a new garbage disposal on the way home. We also got a new aerator and long tool thing for bolts.

Replacing the garbage disposal was not the most fun we’ve ever had.

The instruction book said we would need one person with basic mechanical skills and one hour.


What we needed was two people, one with basic mechanical skills, one with expert mechanical skills, and three hours (4.5 if you count getting the putty from the store.)
Additionally, we needed the one person with basic mechanical skills to be as strong as the person with expert mechanical skills.
We also needed lube, a stack of books, and appropriate putty.

We used the wrong putty. In fact, it specifically warned, “Do not use on plastic,” and we did, in fact, use it on plastic. Sorta. I mean, it got on some of the plastic. Hopefully this doesn’t cause a weakness in the space-time continuum or anything…
These things can be avoided when one reads the packaging, but my husband doesn’t do that. He doesn’t read instructions, either. I’m not saying he’s overconfident to the point of arrogance, because that would be unkind. I’m also not saying that I find his arrogance attractive, until it conflicts with the following of fucking directions.

Posted @ Funny-Picks.com
Sometimes I suggested horrible things, like using a wrench to turn the lock, stacking books under the machine to hold it, or inserting the splash guard into the drain flange. He would glare at me with his laser blue eyes, jaw locked, vein popping and I know, I just know, he hated me a little tiny bit. I do believe he hated me more when all those suggestions worked.
The kicker, I think, was when I read, “To open the knock out plug, do not use any sharp metal tools, such as a screwdriver…” and I looked over to him about to shove a fucking screwdriver in the thing.

“Jesus fuckin Christ, what did I JUST say?!?”

I handle adversity well.
Yes, I know, I’m afraid of many things, and have panic attacks when there’s no reason to, but in the event of actual adversity, I maintain my composure. I keep my ability to be reasonable and even pleasant. It’s terrible for The Mister.

(When the basement flooded in 2003, I was like, “Oh no. Well I guess we should pull out the carpet. Never liked that carpet anyway. Let’s turn on some fans.” The Mister? He was furious! He actually had the gall to ask what else could go wrong, which is very dangerous, because the universe will SHOW you what else can go wrong, which is why seconds later, mother nature created such a wind, that the basketball goal flew right into the windshield of our van. One must never ever ask what else can go wrong. Ever.)

So yeah, there was a clog in the pipes, from the broken garbage disposal, and it came out, smelling like vomit, but it didn’t make the garbage disposal work again. We ran a coat hanger through the tubing to the dishwasher, no clog there.
We replaced that garbage disposal. And the dishwasher works now, too.

We won.

Us: 2,578,432
Adversity: 0


About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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36 Responses to K is for Kitchen

  1. Men never ask directions or read the f-ing instructions. Ever. I think it’s genetic. I also think that’s why they ask us where the keys are. And why we can always find them. Always. 😉


  2. Oh don’t you just love those quality moments shared with loved ones? Yeah, me neither. BTW, have to say that I’m just a little unnerved about the plastic “sort of” meeting up with the wrong putty. Might require a sacrifice to the gods or something.


    • Right?!? I mean, I have no way of knowing what exactly will happen when the putty hits the plastic…
      I will sacrifice my strawberry stems to the sink demon later today, and hopefully that will prevent any further bad kitchen karma.


  3. Sherry says:

    my husband and I do not work well together…it is not pretty…this started in the meadow with me driving the truck and pulling out the tracker and my not understanding hand signals that apparently all farmers know. It only got worse. We cannot even be in the same room with computer issues…He unclogs the drains. I cook…it seems to work…


    • Sounds like an excellent plan. I was about to hang a bird feeder when he said he’d need my help. I rolled my eyes and told the maple tree, “Of course he needs my help.” LOL


  4. hollie says:

    I think wonky is a word that should be used more often. In fact, I’m writing it in my “list of stuff that has to go in my novel.” It is right next to caddy-whompus. I am the exact same way when it comes to anxiety and adversity. Throw something huge at me…I’m as calm as a cucumber. Get me near a moth or a june bug and I’ll freak the fuck out. I can’t open mail unless it is a very good day at my house, but I can tackle all sorts of crisis scenarios at work. Makes no sense. But, it is good to know that I’m not alone!


  5. suzjones says:

    I laugh because we don’t have a garbage disposal. I laugh harder because although we have a dishwasher (it was in the house when we bought it), we rarely use it. But I feel your pain with having a man that won’t listen. I was married to one of them once….


    • You now have a man that listens? *can’t fathom* I don’t know any men that listen.
      I don’t neeeeed either a dishwasher or a garbage disposal, but I do enjoy the convenience. I bet you wouldn’t want the left side of your sink to be half-full of foul water, hmm? LOL 🙂


  6. LindaGHill says:

    Yep, you could make a novel out of this here experience, I’m sure of it. Much funnier after the fact. 😀
    Glad you got it all sorted out in the end.


  7. meANXIETYme says:

    Good grief, this could have all happened in my house it’s so familiar to me! You handled it much better than I would have. I would have rolled my eyes so much that I’d have ended up with a migraine. But my hub is NOT handy and in general, I am. So he gets all whacked out when I can do stuff around the house and he can’t…like he’s losing his man-card or something. So he’ll try to take over stuff and make it worse, then it’s beyond my capabilities and SOMEONE (*me*) has to make the call to the professionals. Then again, he’s computer tech support for both of our families, so he gets a pass for not being handy around the house.
    Also, I do really well in emergency situations, but not so well after the fact. That’s when I freak the fuck out. 🙂 I think it’s because we don’t have time to think, we just DO. When we get the chance to think, we panic about everything that could have happened.


    • Oh man, can you come over and hang my new sign on the back gate? LOL
      I know plenty of handy women, but it’s kinda sad your hubby feels that way! And then really sad when he mucks it up!
      Yes, do now, panic later — quite right!


      • meANXIETYme says:

        Um, yes, if you send a car for me because I don’t fly. 🙂 I, in fact, just finished wiring two light fixtures for the basement for Hub. The only thing I couldn’t do is hang them because my knees would give out trying to climb the ladder! LOL
        Yeah, Hub has issues with not being handy because my whole family is handy and he’s not, so he feels left out. So my father and brothers have spent a lot of time helping him learn and he IS doing waaaay better. But in general, it’s me (because I grew up with the handy family).


  8. meg68 says:

    9 years this October, and I’m still waiting on that remodeled kitchen… lucky I have cave-woman skills, or that bitch “Christmas Dinner” would never happen!
    Love reading your blog Joey. I really can (fuckin Fitty) identify with your struggles against arrogance and the superior intelligence of man. LOL 😉


  9. Too funny, as usual!


  10. My husband honestly believes you’re not supposed to put food in the garbage disposal! He won’t do it. I, too, have begun scraping plates into the trash can before rinsing them off in the sink. I guess his fear of garbage disposal damage caught on with me!

    Visiting from the A to Z Challenge signup page. Great to meet you!

    Stephanie Faris, author
    30 Days of No Gossip


    • HAH! Never heard that one before, but a lot of people don’t know you’re not supposed to fully rinse dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. It says so in the manual, and sometimes on the soap, but people rinse anyway, and wonder why their glasses are cloudy, lol!
      I’ll be over to check your blog out tomorrow — thanks for stopping by!


  11. Kat's Den says:

    Oh wow! What a day! You know, it’s a rare marriage that can survive one instruction-reader and one instruction-refuser. I’m glad you guys lived through it. 🙂


  12. Patti Hall says:

    It may not be healthy for me to visit here anymore. My face and sides ache. I laughed so loud my neighbor called the police. Okay, that was a lie, but I did almost pee my pants. Excuse me if I’m repeating myself, but you are hysterically funny, wise and brave. I have 4 best friends that I have had for 25’ish years. It’s time I add another. Will you please move closer to me soon? No? Well, then I’ll just have to set up a cot here at your place, where I can live vicariously through you from this day forth.


  13. spacurious says:

    First of all, it was hard to concentrate on the rest of the post after reading ‘Mr. F’ because all I could think of after that was Arrested Development. However, I have enough info to remind you that some people don’t even have dishwashers, nevermind garbage disposals you ungrateful spoiled bitch.


  14. So I’m laughing and laughing and laughing while reading this kitchen rant. Love the photo from Waiting to Exhale. And the caps on “Lies. All Lies!”


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