B is for Baby

Posted on April 2, 2015 by joey

Moo was an ugly baby.
No, it’s true.
When Ross told Rachel that ugly baby judges her, I’m pretty sure he was lookin at Moo’s picture.

that lil black n' white could be moo. lots of moo's photos were taken in black n' white

that lil black n’ white could be moo ~ lots of moo’s baby photos were taken in black n’ white — or later changed to sepia…

Moo was red, like the red of storybook devils. She had some mean lookin lines on her forehead, like she was permanently pissed off AT YOU. She had enormous black hair that would not lie down, like Don King hair. And I don’t mean that’s how she came out, I mean that’s how she stayed for months and months. It is apparently true that if you birth an ugly baby you will not love it any less, but it’s a lie to say you won’t know it’s ugly. I knew.
Mothers of ugly babies know their babies are ugly, they just don’t care.
Day Two with Moo: omagosh this baby is ugly and no one is going to love her right. i will overly love her. i will love her so much.

The other day while we waited for our ice cream we were cuttin up about it. Moo was giggling and snorting and kicking her leg with laughter, so I assure you, she’s over it.

“I know she looks like an angry sunburnt bear, but she’s actually a tiny human.”
“Why is it so angry?”
She says, “I hate it here! I hate the world! The world is stupid and cold!”
“Your baby needs Botox!”
“Whatever you do, do not take off its hat!”
“The hat is there for your protection!”
“I’m just grateful people think she’s a baby, who cares if they think she’s a boy?!?”

Fortunately, during colic, Moo screamed her crazy hair right out (while I pulled out my own) and around six months, she began to look specifically humanoid and approachable.

Don’t worry about Moo now. She’s got my mother’s Seminole skin. She’s got nice thick lie-down hair, the color of caramel.
She’s vain.
Mothers of beautiful babies know their babies are beautiful, they just don’t care.

Do you have any ugly baby experiences you want to share?

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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27 Responses to B is for Baby

  1. Carrie Rubin says:
    April 2, 2015 at 1:38 PM

    I don’t think my sons were ugly babies. Hmm, now you’ve got me wondering…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. edwinasepisodes says:
    April 2, 2015 at 2:00 PM

    My daughter was very tiny and delicate, and I have to say, beautiful! I suppose I am just biased!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dan Antion says:
    April 2, 2015 at 2:36 PM

    From this point forward I will think of Moo as having Don King hair. Sorry kid, your mom said it and that is such a powerful image, I can’t get it out of my mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Poui Season says:
    April 2, 2015 at 3:20 PM

    This is such a beautiful post!! You write with such a kind honesty. And it’s true: Mothers of ugly babies know their babies are ugly, they just don’t care.

    My mother knew my brother was an ugly baby – in case she didn’t, we told her every day, that his huge eyes and wrinkled skin made him look like E.T. And it never stopped her from spoiling him to pieces. And unfortunately for my sister and I, ‘they’ never came back to take him ‘home’ and now he’s beautiful and fabulous and never lets us forget it. LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sammy D. says:
    April 2, 2015 at 4:25 PM

    Little Moo-ski is so lucky to have you for Mama Bear lovin’ her no matter what.

    My nephew came out with a lop-sided conehead and a rash all over his face. I thought he was the ugliest cute baby ever. Eventually we were able to drop the ‘ugly’.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. hollie says:
    April 2, 2015 at 4:47 PM

    My ex husband’s daughters are ugly. Really ugly. I thought the first was spectacularly ugly until the little one was born… Holy moly that toddler is unattractive and has an unfortunate name as well. The older of the two looks a little less like the red angry bird (the one with the eyebrows) than she used to, so I’m hoping she continues to grow cuter. I don’t think there is any hope for the little one, though. Thankfully my kid was always cute…but now having mentioned how ugly his sisters are I am glad I’m not having any more because karma would give me an ugly one :). What a fun post!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. vanbytheriver says:
    April 2, 2015 at 5:39 PM

    Truly, all newborns are pretty ugly,no matter how loved. Let me see them after a few weeks/ months, when they take human form, and have facial expression. ☺

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Anxious Mom says:
    April 2, 2015 at 9:03 PM

    It was strange–my little one weight about 5.5 pounds, had saggy skin galore, salmon patches on her head, nose, and between her eyes (which are still there but usually only show up when she’s mad), and had (has) a very dark vein between her eyes. But nope, prettiest darn little girl in the world. I’m a sucker for babies.

    Although I now realize that I don’t think anyone has added “I know everyone says babies are beautiful, but this one really is” to her as they did with LM. I need to make a list of these people. No Christmas card for them! 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Silver in the Barn says:
    April 2, 2015 at 9:42 PM

    My middle sister was born in the US and was not a pretty baby. When my mother sent photos home to Germany the reaction was characteristically blunt “What’s wrong with her?” etc. from the German relatives. When we transferred back to Germany, she was given a full inspection by the Oma and passed muster. By then, she was already evolving into a very pretty little girl and not a moment too soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. shanjeniah says:
    April 2, 2015 at 10:35 PM

    My oldest was born at almost 43 weeks, and was over 10 pounds, and 22 and a half inches long. He was a beautiful baby – so beautiful, it didn’t matter what I dressed him in; people thought he was a girl. No kidding, the boy looked like a Raphael angel.

    However, he was so long, his legs were bowed for almost a year. He could hold his head up at birth, and never ever seemed like a newborn. At 13, he’s still beautiful, with wild and lush golden curls, wide china blue eyes – and skin so very fair that he seems to glow in sunlight (I’ve found him by his shining skin…

    Our second beautiful boy died in the NICU at 12 days old.

    A year later, we welcomed our daughter. She was beautiful, too – and, for the first two weeks of hr life, she was also very yellow. We have pictures – she was even yellow inside her mouth! She got over the being yellow, but not the beauty part. She’s a bit duskier, more with my easily tanning skin tone, and darker, penny-colored hair with a wave, even though she’d love to have her brother’s golden curls.

    Whatever their appearance, what matters most is having someone to love them. I’m thrilled to have my healthy, happy two.

    And Moo to have you – a mom who loves her.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Sherry says:
    April 3, 2015 at 8:31 AM

    no, but I once had an ugly baby goldfish…does that count?

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Tawnya Rivers says:
    April 3, 2015 at 11:58 AM

    There at times when I look at babies in general and just think they are such odd, ugly creatures. I mean really if you think about it…but don’t have any really good ugly baby stories. Loved reading this blog though! You are great!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. evelyneholingue says:
    April 3, 2015 at 12:38 PM

    You are too funny! And honest too. I always found my babies very beautiful but I was probably blind. Babies are like adults, they come in all shapes and colors. I find all of them interesting. Even the ugly ones. Love your cynical take on babies, rarely done. Curious to see what you’ll find for the other letters…

    Like

  14. April says:
    April 3, 2015 at 12:58 PM

    I laughed through your entire post–thanks, I needed that. I’m not sure if I thought our babies were necessarily ugly because I had postpartum depression, and they were the cause of it. (not to worry, I wasn’t a neglectful mom) Anyway, our first must have had his legs bent up around his ears when it got a little cramped in there for him. When we changed his diapers, we would have to hold his legs down so that we could fasten the diaper, they would spring right back up to his ears.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Nagzilla says:
    April 3, 2015 at 1:58 PM

    Our baby wasn’t ugly, but she definitely had a monkey thing going on. She was born with a thick crop of black hair that came down over her forehead (amazingly, hers never fell out, it just grew out and became blonde), and her mouth was always curled in this “ooo-ooo-ooo” kind of shape that reminded me of how monkey’s talk. For years, our nickname for her was monkey girl.

    Liked by 1 person

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