How to Make a Sammich Like a Bitch

As I’ve said before, I don’t do recipes for cooking. If you’re a recipe person, that’s not helpful and I’m sorry. But I do give instructions now and again. My friend Lola thinks I should write a cookbook Joey-style, and I think about it every time I type out directions for someone.

Today’s directions are for my mother, who asked me about the Monte Cristos. Yes, my parents read my blog, when tolerable or convenient.

My mother is the person who taught me to make sammiches, but the rest of y’all are questionable, and I take food seriously, so pardon my explicit and perhaps pedantic directions, but do pay attention and don’t fuck it up.

You need stuff, and if this were a recipe, I’d be very specific about what you need and how much you need, but this is not a recipe, so just go put the skillet on a nice steady, low heat for now — whatever you do grilled cheese on. If you don’t know how to set your cooktop for grilled cheese, you have no business attempting this sammich.

If you’re like my MIL, you won’t heat your skillet first, because the skillet will “burn up” and I don’t understand you. If you’re like that, then your first sammiches will all be soggy on one side and that will burn me up.

Slice up a baguette. You want a nice firm, skinny white bread. I happen to have leftover pre-sliced bread from the bakery, so I’ll wait while you slice yours.

Okay, now make a egg and milk base like you’re gonna cook French toast.


I like mine a little more yolky  so I give a coupla egg whites to the dog.
“Who’s a shiny puppy?!? Oh she’s such a shiny, pretty puppy!”
Again, if you don’t know how to make French toast, or separate eggs, my directions will not help you, please do not attempt to cook this sammich up.

Now make a small dish of mayo mixed with spicy mustard. You don’t like mustard? Why am I even talking to you? Mix well.


Lay your bread out on the counter in pairs. No, not like that, middles side-by-side, have you ever even made a sammich?!? You do want the crusts to line up, don’t you?

Spread the mayotard across the bottom slice.

Get out the ham. I hope you bought a more savory ham, like a basic Virginia baked ham. You really do not want extra sweet here.

Let me tell you the most important part of making a sammich with cheese: You must nest the cheese inside the meat. You do not want the cheese to touch the mayonnaise. It’s not just my own personal obsession, I’m preventing a tragedy. The mayonnaise is like glue to the cheese, and you will just end up with the top of your sammich stuck to the roof of your mouth, cheese gagging you, and then you’ll choke as you try to suck that down, making unfortunate clucking noises and looking awkward. That is pleasant for no one.
So, layer the ham, with air ripples, then cheese, then more ham with ripples.

mc6Some animal gave its life for your sammich, don’t waste its meat by flopping it down lifelessly.

Press gently on each sammich and set them aside.

Melt butter in the skillet.

Dip each sammich into the egg and milk mixture and then put them in the butter to cook like a grilled cheese.


This takes some time.

Things you can do while the sammiches get all melty and beautifully golden on both sides:

Wash the dishes, even those muffin tins.
Scour the sink.
Make coffee for the mornin.
Write checks for sports physicals and orchestra camp.
Give your pets lil pieces of cheese.
Kiss and grope your husband.

Eventually, all the sammiches will be done.


I serve them with strawberry preserves. I suppose you can use any kind of preserves, or heaven forbid, none at all, but strawberry Bonne Maman is our preference.
I seldom serve them.
Generally, people stand around the kitchen and eat them as fast as I make them.


These keep well in the fridge, and re-heat well in a warm oven.
They’re also pretty good cold at 7am the next day.  I’m just sayin.

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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38 Responses to How to Make a Sammich Like a Bitch

  1. Mmmm you certainly know how to make a decent looking sandwich – even if you are a bit bossy on how to do it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Benson says:

    I like your style kid. Sort of a cross between Julia Child and Joan Rivers. I don’t “use” recipes when I cook either,unless it is baking. However I have written hundreds of recipes and procedures for kitchens. That was my job. To make sure all of the menu items were consistently made. A Monte Cristo,now that is an old school sammie. I think more joints should add it to their menus, and I think they should do just like you do. Dialogue and all.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Victo Dolore says:

    Yep. You MUST do your own cookbook! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I enjoyed reading your instructions for this FANTASTIC-looking sammich. Yum! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hate, hate, HATE to cook (damn the Food Network to Hell!), but since they STILL haven’t invented a food replicator like they have on “Star Trek” (fuck the flying car…that’s what I really want) I’m forced to “whip something up” all the time. I’ll give your sammich a go.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I love to cook, but then when I don’t, I really don’t and I think cooking is stupid and hungry people suck, lol!
      Sorry about the lack of food replicators. I say fuck the flying car, too. I want a teleporter!
      Good luck with the sammich 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    I would definitely buy a cookbook done Joey-Style. It’s not everyday you can read a recipe and laugh at the same time. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What a great post, and a great looking sandwich. I’ve made them a couple of times. I was told to use a specialty bread that really sucks down the egg mixture. I think I like your version better.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I would buy your cookbook. Just sayin’.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Dan Antion says:

    How many do you have to make in order to have any leftover? How many to have enough left over to last until the following morning, or, by “morning” did you mean 12:03 AM? Those look so good. My wife would agree with you on most of this (maybe not the extra yokey egg, but I don’t really know) and have the same comments for people who looked funny at her. If you’re going to do it, do it right. If you do write a recipe book, write it just like this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thanks, Dan 🙂
      If I make an entire baguette’s worth, we typically have 5-6 leftover. If there are six of us, it’s pretty much two per person, and there aren’t leftovers. So, by this rationale, half a baguette would make an ample amount for the three of you, with leftovers. Especially if your wife adds a salad and fruit 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  10. hollie says:

    I’ve never had a Monte Cristo but this looks delicious. I can separate eggs and I do not think a skillet is going to “burn up” if preheated so I think I can do it! I LOVED this set of instructions and totally agree that a cookbook should be next after you finish your novel!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Sherry says:

    husband had one at Dublin’s last Saturday and loved his, but he continues to find it weird that they put powdered sugar on it and served with raspberry jam….he don’t mix savory and sweet well…he don’t. I do..tee hee..

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Anxious Mom says:

    That looks pretty damn good!

    A friend made sandwiches at his house a couple weeks ago and changed how I make sandwiches. I still go with a basic turkey and mustard, but he not only heated the turkey on the griddle with a little olive oil, he also melted butter on the griddle and opened up the sub roll, laid it down, and let it get all toasty. Oh my god, I was in sandwich heaven.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I am not a recipe person either. If I am making something I have never made before I will follow the recipe but only once, after that it is just a mere guideline. Measurements, ingredients are meant to be adjusted and tampered with until you find what works for you – A tsp of salt or spice translates as a small mound in the palm of my hand, don’t have any cinnamon well maybe ginger and nutmeg mixed together will be nice, making carrot cake and realize you don’t have enough carrots, use grated zucchini or apple to make up the difference, etc.
    Back when my son was in high school I actually got him into trouble with his foods teacher. He was “adjusting” a recipe and the teacher was not impressed. At which point he informed her that “cooking is not an exact science” (something I have taught all my kids) he was nearly kicked out of the class for that comment. He came home and told me what happened and all I could do was roll my eyes and laugh.

    Liked by 3 people

    • joey says:

      I love this comment! Thank you! I think it’s what defines a real cook. It’s not just the flavor– it’s the weight, the texture, the way it spoons — modifying to get what the cook thinks is the right taste. I would have laughed, too. But then, maybe it’s good we’re not teaching foods 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  14. kirizar says:

    I love the idea of a Monte Cristo–just not the contents. Sad, really. Must find alternate sammich to turn into an excuse for French toast. Also, love the word ‘Mayotard’. Where has that word been all my life?

    Liked by 1 person

  15. markbialczak says:

    You are the Countess of Monte Cristo, Joey. Yowza.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. reocochran says:

    Joey, I am so excited!! I have made something like this, although not at all your ‘sammich’ but like it, just the same. I use a mixture of mayo with spicy brown mustard but add little poppy or sesame seeds. I learned from someone who used the thinnest sliced ham from the deli and baby swiss cheese. I missed what kind of cheese you use.
    Maybe I read this too fast but I loved the way you expressed yourself. Dismissing those who are not able to ‘handle’ the cooking skills needed here.
    I was taught a similar recipe by my old girl scout leader, dear Jennette Conant. I loved her so much! Anyway, the eggy mixture IS more egg yolk than whites and the dipping in it and putting onto a griddle that has butter and is bubbling and ready is crucial.
    Believe it or not, we also learned how to make these over a campfire. These ‘sammies’ were buttered on both sides ahead of the cooking. No egg mixture, but it did taste delicious, just not as Great as the other recipe. We placed these wire basket ‘sammies’ on the fire’s ending embers where the coals are red but there are no flames. Joey, my goodness, but we had these wire thingy baskets where we would really make more than one at a time. The addition of the seeds was not necessary but it was one of my leader’s favorites. She also felt that a little onion salt mixed into the mayo-brown mustard sauce was ‘crucial.’ I liked it since it was different from any other kind of sandwich. When we went ‘cabin camping’ in the late fall and winter, the gas stoves worked and the eggy mixture was used. We used a maple syrup glaze so this makes it a little like those French Toast sandwiches or those hamburgers served on donuts, where sweet joins spicy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      What isn’t good cooked over hot coals? 😛 MMM! Sounds yumma!
      Traditionally, Monte Cristos use Swiss cheese, and I use Swiss.

      Liked by 1 person

      • reocochran says:

        Thanks for approving the variation on your fine recipe, which I plan to try once the heat ends. We love swiss cheese in my family with ham and will pass on the recipe to son and oldest daughter. Making sure to tell them why cheese must be folded into the ham. We buy that black forest ham usually but it is a little sweet.
        I love the preserves to add sweetness, too. Of course, I think your eggy mixture adds do much and it is harder to do over a campfire! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • joey says:

          I love black forest ham for sandwiches, especially with tomatoes! But nah, use a plain ol ham for this sammich, so much sweet already 😉

          Liked by 1 person

          • reocochran says:

            I figured you were the expert and wanted to check this out with you. I was a single Mom with 3 kids so I know a little about paperwork and emergency release forms. I liked some of the comments and great suggestions to help “streamline” this arduous process. Joey.


  17. Josh Wrenn says:

    First, YUM! Second, thank you for making me laugh out loud in the literal sense.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. cindy knoke says:

    That is a bitchin-lookin sammich if I do say so, and I do.

    Liked by 1 person

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