But we don’t.
In a few days, the boy one will be returning to Indy to begin an internship. He’s planning to stay at The Palace of Rules because they have a lot more space over there. I dunno how long that will last, but I think it’s kinda sweet, since MIL cared for him as a baby. Like a fledgling returning to the nest for a final shove. “Circle Game” and “Comin Around Again” — that sorta thing.
I’m mildly concerned about how long he can go without alcohol, screaming swears at video games, and being chided for not calling when he’s out late, or God forbid, if he forgets to set the alarm! I’m looking forward to MIL’s complaints that his scaredy-cat she’ll never see is up there not affecting her world in any way, but that’s not what this post is about.
Okay, so I totally want him to live in our dining room, or the coat closet, or whatever, but then I think about all the fucking cords, and I think, nah, palace of rules, much mo bettah, is best thing for you, maybe you come adult here on weekends…
His hope is to get a permanent position locally — we’ll all be so pleased.
As I mentioned in this post, my MIL has a knack for asking questions I cannot answer. Lately, she asks questions The Mister can’t answer either. In fact, many people do.
“Where’s the internship?”
“Oh I dunno, some place on the east side.”
“You don’t know?”
“I think it’s off Shadeland somewhere.”
“No, I mean, what company?”
“Oh, I dunno.”
“How did he find out about this job?”
“Some internet site.”
“What’s he going to do there?”
“Computer stuff. I dunno.”
I realize it sounds like we’re not interested, but in all honesty, we try not to pry too much into the lives of our children. If they want us to know things, they tell us. If they want to hide things from us, we allow them privacy. Until we see red flags, we just assume everything is kosher. We prefer not to micromanage and interrogate them, as we do not like to be micromanaged and interrogated. We want them to be independent and resourceful, and we want them to learn to set boundaries. We value freedom. We’re open.
We can only be who we are.
In turn, Bubba can only be who he is, which is a lovely contradiction — Is he open or closed? He’s an all-shut hermit who keeps things to himself, or a hilarious non-stop talker about things he’s passionate about. Translation: Introvert.
We want to enjoy the hell out of our kids, and we’ve learned to choose our battles wisely. We don’t ask a lot of questions of our adult children. The standard, “How are you?” “Whatcha been doin?” “How are your grades?” — that stuff is parent-y enough. I mean, he’s doing an internship, not getting bailed out of jail!
He was hard to raise, I mean really, really hard. I mean there were times I thought I couldn’t keep doing it. He was my squeaky wheel. My biggest challenge. Bright, sensitive children are so much harder. The highs are higher, the lows are lower. Oh, how I fretted over him.
He’s made it easier to raise Sassy. That’s a really big gift he’s given me. Most importantly, he’s made his way through so many circumstances, I’m compelled to trust his judgment.
I wouldn’t let him get on the bus without reciting his room number, his teacher’s name, our names, our address, our phone numbers…but now? Oh how things change.
So no, we dunno where he’s going to work, company or location, for how long, what he’s doing exactly, if it’s paid or unpaid, or if he needs new clothes. We know that if something comes up and he needs help, he’ll ask.
Probably at the last minute.
Because he’s an adult, not a grown-up.
Do you marvel over the process of parenting, too? Isn’t it amazing to watch people grow in every way?
joeyfullystated 
Yes, I marvel at the process, Joey. They go from born to 25 in a blink. I think you are doing well, my friend, with treat as you’d like to be treated.
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I think the adult, not a grown up thing still applies to me. I have friends whose kids are graduating high school or college now. I have a friend (someone I used to date) who’s little sister I knew when she was 5 and now I am seeing all her adult-type issues posted on social media. Freaks me out, seriously.
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It is amazing. Drew and I used to babysit twin girls, and it’s astounding every time we see them — prom shoes? college? graduation? weddings? baby showers? :O WHAT?!?!
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Right?
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My oldest will leave for college next week. Granted, he’ll only be 45 minutes away, but it’s still a transition. So your post speaks to me. I’ve had a difficult time this summer trying not to parent the 18-year-old who still lives in my house. Yes, he’s technically an adult, but he’s also living in our home, and we have certain rules. So I’ve been trying to strike a balance and hope I succeeded. Guess by next week, it will be a moot point. 😉
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I went about an hour away, I’d much prefer my kids within decent driving distance.
It’s a really weird time, parenting an adult. Within a few months of letting go, you get to find out what they absorbed from their upbringing and what they’ve shucked.
I hope you’ll be pleased with your results 🙂
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Haha, me too.
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“We prefer not to micromanage and interrogate them, as we do not like to be micromanaged and interrogated. We want them to be independent and resourceful, and we want them to learn to set boundaries.”
Can I adopt you? 😀
My favorite thing (well, probably every parents’ favorite thing) about parenting has been watching those personalities emerge. Especially BG, because she’s just like a little force to be reckoned with.
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Oh I know! It’s astounding how people-y they get so quickly!
Yes, I am available for adoption, but then…no spare bedrooms 😉 Preparing for an empty nest and all 😛
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You can crash with Baby Girl. She’d love to have a roomie to keep her company during her middle of the night parties 😉
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Hehe! No thanks!
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I am so glad I read this post, Joey! Although I am more your MIL’s age, I felt relieved. I could totally relate to letting children and their lives proceed after a certain age, without too many questions. Until they “volunteer” information, I would rather allow them ‘space.’
I have found out incredible amounts about my grown children from their siblings. Sisters are more willing to “tell all,” then my son.
My son quit his job at a nice restaurant to go work at the one in Buehler’s Grocery Store. Used to be called, “The Mill.” I think he did not like the pressure or the idiots he worked at Son of Thurman’s. But he is expecting his baby boy any day and he is relieved to be out of the ‘hell hole’ and at a more relaxed place. The hours fit baby’s better, he says, wife nodding. Well, the question everyone asks me, “Who is going to pay for baby’s birth?” I look at them and say, “Insurance?” But I am not sure? But I am not concerned because he married a woman with two children 7 years ago, had two babies and they got through those bills. He provides for them (Lara and Landen have a Dad who pays child support) and they have a happy, good and simple life. I was over there watching the girls jump on the trampoline, taking photos of their backpacks and amazed at the cutest baby room ever with deep browns and jungle theme. I always use the example of my Son the Daddy who knows how to braid his daughter’s hair and how he still braids My Little Pony’s tails, too.
Hugs to you and all your open minded family who embraces all kinds of individualism. I salute you, Joey. You are way ahead of most parents. Smiles!
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Are you 65?!?
(This would explain why you keep sayin I’m young, lol!)
I’m glad you have faith in your son’s ability to provide for his family. And honestly, whose business is it?!? Until he’s asking them to pay the bills, people should mind their own!
I’m acquainted with many people who’ve left cushier jobs for more reasonable schedules. Dad who chose to stay home, teacher who now works retail, people who went freelance for many occupations. You and I both know that some jobs entail expenses that others don’t 😉
Your son sounds like he’s got a happy family, and at the end of the day, that pays more.
Deep brown jungle theme nursery sounds charming 🙂
All my girls spill. Usually I put them to work, help mama in the garden, help mama cut scrapbook pages, help mama bake bread and they just talk and talk and talk. I seldom ask questions. I just laugh along. If there’s a lesson in there, then later, I’ll say, “You know earlier when you talked about Cody and his brother? Well I’ve been thinking about that…” and we can go from there. Space is valuable. *nods* Freedom to express. Mmhm.
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No, I am going to be 60 in November and my cell phone “ghost” must have assumed I was older. :)lol
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I like your listening, Joey to the young people on your life and keeping close yet allowing space. The balance is tricky but as you mentioned about your education and psychology knowledge, you are well prepared for the rest of your parenting journey. So glad you spent time responding about my soon to be grandson and his family. Your response made me genuinely touched and left me a tad teary eyed. Thank you sincerely and sending you a big hug. Ha e a wonderful weekend, Joey!
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You enjoy your weekend, too! 🙂
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This sounds kinda familiar to me. My son was really really hard to raise. did I say really? But now he’s getting his master’s degree and hasn’t screwed it up yet.
Pause to knock on wood.
His bike was stolen today, so he called Mom to tell her his sad story. I said, “Gee, that’s too bad.”
He’s getting much easier to parent. Now that he’s an adult living hundreds of miles away.
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😀 I bet!
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Well I have read the missing post and even most of the responses. Now I feel fully qualified to add my 2 cents to that eternal question. Free range or micro manage. For what it is worth I always gave my sons quite a bit of leeway. Until they screwed up and then I brought them back to the starting point and started all over again. My first born was a rascal.to say the least. The youngest was a “goody two shoes” per his brother. He was only grounded once and I think that was premeditated on his part. To gain some street cred;so to speak.
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I’m loling at street cred! Haha!
Good to know you kept them in line without hovering 🙂
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