Lunchmeat Lady, Who Do You Think You Are?

As many of you know, I don’t eat much meat, and I’m persnickety about it when I do eat it. However, I cook for two rapacious carnivores, so trips to the deli counter are made at least twice a month.
Typically, it’s a pound of whatever turkey is whitest and driest, because even the carnivores turn their noses up at slimy pink turkey. But sometimes I get ham, pastrami, roast beef — always shaved.
I’ve been placing these orders at deli counters at various stores in various locations for, oh, let’s say, 16 years.

I hate going to the deli counter. I already miss the commissary, where often they allow you to scribble down your order and come back for it when you’re done shopping. Without that option, it’s a lot of standing around, wondering why it takes so fucking long. Many times I have been convinced they had to go kill a bird behind the store. I do not pretend to know the intricate details involved in working at a deli counter, but I do acknowledge and express gratitude when I get someone competent.
In my years of trips to deli counters, I have encountered more than my share of idiots and noobs.

But this last time was extra special.

The Mister and I walked up to the deli counter of our local grocer. I told the lady I would like one pound of oven roasted turkey, shaved. She nodded and reached for the big ball of meat.
The Mister and I embraced and kissed and whispered sweet nothings, and the lady STOPPED slicing the meat to interrupt us, “Do you want it sliced real thin or do you want it fallin apart?”
“Fallin apart.”
“That’s shredded.”

We stared at her blankly.

“That’s shredded, not shaved.”

She seemed to be seeking a response from us. We didn’t give her one. So she lectured us about how to properly order luncheon meat. She said, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah, Blah! Blah blah blah, that’s shredded. You want shredded.”
(Or somethin like that.)

I said, “Okay, we’d like it shredded.” I smiled a wry smile.

The Mister and I had a brief conversation about the wtfness of it all. Then the lady gave me a bag of shaved oven roasted turkey, adding, “You want shredded. Next time, ask for shredded.” We resumed our blank stares.


You hafta be like me to understand, but this woman is very unhappy. I mean, she’s the type of miserable that has an aura of funk followin her around like Pig Pen’s dirt.


This might be a speech she regularly gives customers, I don’t know. But I know this: She didn’t confirm with me until she’d already begun and we were kissing.

JOY ROBBER! My brain points a finger at this lady and j’accuse her like Tituba.

She wants to be petty? Oh, I can do petty!

Now, if I see that lady at the deli counter again, I’m still going to ask for shaved meat. If she lectures me again, I’m going to pretend we have not had this conversation. Over and over and over. She is my elder, so she can give me her lil speech all she wants. I will merely say, “Oh that’s right, I think you’ve told me that before.”

Did I already tell you I’m a bitch, or did you figure it out on your own? What kinda petty stupid shit have you dealt with lately? If you don’t have a blog, how do you handle wtfness?

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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53 Responses to Lunchmeat Lady, Who Do You Think You Are?

  1. baldjake70 says:

    Oddly enough, I have not noticed such behavior since then. I am unsure if it is because I am not paying attention, or it simply is not taking place. I try not to focus on such petty displays to interrupt my happy moments, but she was like an infomercial that would not shut up. How miserable one must be to ruin an obvious happy moment to make a point of something you so obviously already comprehended and could have executed without a lesson. They make pills to cure such unhappiness, and it is my suggestion that she ask her doctor if a happy pill is right for her.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Anxious Mom says:

    Hahaha! You know they hate us for ordering shaved–oops shredded–meat, right? Takes more effort and time. We stop to buy deli turkey once, sometimes twice, per week and always got the death glare until the sweet young man who seems generally happy to have a job started working. Add your lovely doviness to that and lunch meat lady probably stuck a voodoo doll in your honor.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. AmyRose🌹 says:

    Joey, I do not know if it is due to this past full Moon or what, but I have ran into a lot of nasty leaving me with the WTF expression on my face. I look about and ask, “Has the world finally cracked?” The past few days have been unbelievable. There is even a blogger today who in this madness ranted towards me. ME???? Are you serious? Your post brought relief knowing I am NOT the one going nuts. Whew! Thank you!!!! (((HUGS))) Amy ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I cannot believe a blogger went after you. I’ll echo your sentiment — YOU?!?!?! Madness fersure. Just goes to show how messed up things are, when people feel the need to exorcise their own demons all over others. So sorry you’ve been treated poorly today. (((HUGS)))

      Liked by 1 person

      • AmyRose🌹 says:

        Thanks, Joey!! You have made me feel better. This person yes has probs, yet don’t we all. I”ve seen that my “light” tends to bring out the um worst in some peeps. *sighs* That is when I realize this is NOT about me, but rather, they. Bless you for saying what you did, my friend. Your words really and I mean really helped!!! (((HUGS))) Amy ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Jewels says:

    There’s a whole lot of wtfness going on out there in the world. Thanks for the chuckles this morning Joey 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Benson says:

    She really does sound like a Betty Buzzkill. I don’t usually deal with WTF moments that often,probably because I am older than most store employees. However I must say I am seeing more and more older farts sacking groceries,but that is off topic. I would probably tell her she is wrong. Shave is what you do to meat with a machine, shred is something you do with your hands. “Did you touch my meat? I hope you were wearing gloves.” I have found the tactic of telling anyone who starts a WTF moment that they don’t know what they are talking about works. If they continue just say; whatever, That usually stops them. However I like your idea. It would probably piss them off more I just get bored easy.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Josh Wrenn says:

    Shaved, shredded…who give a f_ck? By the way, you’re technically right on that too. Shredded is more akin to pulled, whereas if you’re using a slicer…you’re shaving it. Semantics from the deli lady. Awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Luanne says:

    That woman takes her job seriously. A little serious goes a looooooooooooooooong way. What have I dealt with like this lately? What hasn’t been like this? Grr. Onstar, Verizon, Apple, ATT, Time Warner Cable, Safeway, dr’s office. All same kind of joy robbers and life suckers. But you wouldn’t catch me kissing my mister at the deli counter. No ma’am. I might pinch or smack him, but no kissing. He won’t even hold my hand in public. It embarrassed him.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Dan Antion says:

    There are so many ways to interrupt without the attitude, I just don’t understand why it has to be that way with some people. Treat people with respect, and you pretty much have it made. My daughter just had an encounter with the tire-guy at Sears that ended with her going to another tire store. It all came down to words (conveying the message that since she was a woman, she wouldn’t understand tire stuff).

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      That is unfortunate, but I’m glad she went to another place. That kinda crap makes me nuts! The Mister use to manage Sears auto centers. He says she should call the manager of the overall Sears and let them know. He also said in his experience, more women are knowledgeable about tires, because they go prepared and they’ll ask questions, whereas men act like they know it all.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dan Antion says:

        She was prepared, and we could reconstruct the conversation, adding a few nice words and a “does that make sense?” and she would have been a happy customer. Instead, he went the almost-bully route and she said “just put the spare on and I’ll go…” to the other place.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m stuck on the hilarious Pooh Bear image.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sherry says:

    yeah, I had a chat at the deli counter this morning…Manager called….where is the fucking mascarpone? Last week you had no proscuitto…What kinda joint are you running? Followed by explanations about the limited size of the “cheese” counter and the difficulty of dealing with “new products” in limited space, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Told me to order it…How do I do that when I just realized I needed it two hours ago? I want a WHOLE FOODS STORE!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I expect both of those things at my grocery stores. Absolutely.
      My struggle in Georgia was real. No store in rural Georgia is fit for a foodie.


  11. Carrie Rubin says:

    Ha! It will be like “Groundhog Day” at the deli counter. “Oh, I’m sorry? Did you tell me that before?”…

    Liked by 3 people

  12. I believe you’re right–she’s unhappy. She may also be pragmatically impaired. Either way…I like your strategy for next time! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. La Sabrosona says:

    Haha wtfness is a very cool word. I have to park underground, two levels underground to be exact and it’s a twisty turny experience. My building is only 2 years old. On my suggestion management put up one way signs so that there wouldn’t be any head-on collisions.

    I say wtf every time someone decides (at the worst fucking time) that they are going to rebel against the one way rule and instead of driving around to the entrance/exit they cut through. So as I’m entering and I turn right I’ve almost smashed into some serious idiots. I guess they don’t value their lives or their cars’ lives.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I handle situations like this mainly as you did here. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. NotAPunkRocker says:

    The only thing I can think of is that she has been jumped on before by someone wanting shredded but they asked for shaved. Still, yeah, save the lecture. You got the information you needed, so shred on!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Here’s what the woman should have done when she saw a woman over 20 and her significant other sharing a smile, a kiss, and a good conversation – clap her hands together, catch the other shoppers’ eyes and get a wave going. 🙂 Get over yourself lady, lunch meat is lunch meat however it is cut. This is why we all blog, right?

    Liked by 2 people

  17. My first thought when I read the title was, “That sounds like the name of a Dylan tune…I laughed my way through the rest of it. Great story!…Shredded means shredded, ok?

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Angie Mc says:

    Awesome title, Joey! I was laughing before I read your opening sentence 😀 Our family has a comeback line for such situations…”Why thank you, oh wise one!” Sometimes we just think the line *very loudly* (to ourselves) when we’re behaving and we give each other the knowing look. There’s SO much of this corrective behavior out there that I fluctuate between laughing and wanting to kill someone. Watch out, Lunch Meat Lady 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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  20. First time here and found this funny post 🙂 Unfortunately, things like that happen to me all the time. This post gave me an idea: maybe I should start a second blog to out my ranting rage?! Though I don’t know if I could be as entertaining at it as you are. Well, good luck for next time shopping for the carnivores! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Sammy D. says:

    It’s a toss up between those who are purposely exercising their turf of miniscule power (and she WAS dead wring about shredded) and those who look and sound like they lack a human filter between brain and wirds, but they have no knob to turn them off.

    I think your plan for feigned forgetfullness is perfect!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. My God, what is the matter with her?!!! If it wasn’t bad enough her interrupting a romantic moment, she then has to keep reminding you that it is ‘shredded.’ Who gives a toss?
    I had a WTF moment at work the other day. It was really busy, only 6 staff looking after 27 patients, some very confused and wandering and we really had our work cut out. We had sent one gent down to the discharge lounge where he was being collected by his daughter. The nurse phoned up as daughter came to collect and he had a different medication prescribed from what he came in with. It was all written on the discharge letter and the patient knew what he was doing. This nurse insisted I leave the ward and go down 2 floors and the other end of the hospital to explain to the daughter what the med was. I told her I was not leaving the ward as so short staffed and she could explain to the daughter or even the patient himself could. She got mad with me and insisted I came down, I got mad and insisted I wouldn’t. She told me she would tell ‘Sister’
    so I spoke to her and it was sorted, It wasted a good 10 mins of time for no reason!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. reocochran says:

    This was funny, joey. I try to ignore bad behavior. Something I learned as a teacher, attention to what someone is saying and allowing them to bring you down gives them the power they desire. I like your solution of acting like you did not even hear her. She has some nerve!! You and the Mister are awesome in your special kisses. 🙂


  24. markbialczak says:

    I love Wegmans because they cut the stuff up ahead of time and stick the packages in a cooler where you can look through the see-through wrap, judge the meat, note the weight and price, and toss the winner in your cart in a matter of seconds. Oh, wait, it’s not shaved or shredded, but it’s not thick as a brick, either. Worth it, Joey!

    Yeah, people bug me regularly. I breathe in deeply and mutter a lot. Will write when greatly irked.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. April says:

    As always, you always make me chuckle. I think it’s a good plan to keep messing with her head each time you return…she deserves it.


  26. kermofutah says:

    I do not have any recent similar moments but that was an awesome story. For the record, I’ve always said shaved. Isn’t shredded, you know, shredded? Like pulled pork and tamales?


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