The Garage: A Rant

The first time we saw our house, we couldn’t actually see the garage. It was jam-packed full.
I have a dad who kept his garage as tidy and organized as the house, even going so far as to park the lawnmower on a rug. (I didn’t just come out like this, you know. My mother’s a Virgo.)


(And I’m not making fun, OCD tendencies are in my chart. I clean as a way to manage anxiety. When my house it at its cleanest, I have usually forgotten to eat despite cooking and baking, I’ve maybe chewed off all my cuticles and the inside of my lips, and I probably can’t sleep.)

Anyway, We’ve had four garages in the timeline of our marriage. Two older detached ones, and two new attached ones. I know I don’t need a clean and pretty garage. I just need function. The Mister has a lot of tools. We have a fair amount of sporting goods and automotive crap. We’ve had a lot of kids, so you know, scooters, bikes, skateboards, sleds


— but we’ve never had a junked-up garage.

Looking at our garage, per the previous owner, I wondered how anyone’s garage could get so bad. I assumed three-generations of stuff would do it. I knew it would all be gone when we took possession.

Um, I hadn’t really considered our downsizing process completely.

I told you I’d tell you stories about the home improvement stuff, and I’ve decided this one is a good one to share for now. I occasionally rant on my Facebook, but people are offended so fucking easily these days.
Here’s my rant status:

If you ever went into a garage and wondered how on earth the people let it get that way, I can explain.

Prolly 26 months ago some people moved in and immediately pulled out the old washer and dryer to make room for theirs. They didn’t know then that their washer was broken.

Then when the movers came, they had everything that didn’t immediately belong somewhere sat in their garage. They saved boxes for their soon-to-move friends.

They survived The Plumbing Fiasco of 2013 and put their not very old washer out in the garage with the washer and dryer that came with the house.

After several months of the wife’s nagging, the husband sorted the garage enough to park in it.

They did not, for the first few months in their home, have the recycling bin or schedule, but they diligently filled boxes and paper bags with their recycling and got 99% of it out when they caught the nice men driving by one snowy morning.

They don’t take yard debris on the recycle truck. Heavy trash goes on another day. Usually the day before the wife remembers she had heavy trash for her husband to put out.

Then, when their kids outgrew things, when they replaced things, they sat the old stuff in the garage, too. They put the ant bait out there, the energy-saving kits, the empty cans of paint, the cat crates…
They took down dangerous sliding doors and put those in the garage.
When they bought a new grill, and some new tools, and a new bike, they put all that in the garage. They bought some lumber for a project and sat the leftovers in the garage. They kept an old dresser and an old mirror for a friend.
They have a futon frame that will never see the light of day. (Live in Indy and need a mission-style futon frame? Contact me!)

They don’t know why they still have a boxy computer monitor, really. Sure, they kept a box each for their kids’ keepsakes. Sure, they hoard fabric and Marine Corps stuff, but they never ever throw tennis rackets, basketballs, or shovels onto the garage floor.
They have Christmas boxes and empty boxes — these people have so many bloody buggery boxes, they don’t even know what’s in each box! 

The wife occasionally digs for treasure, but today, she cannot find her box of vintage cameras and she wants to take a flame thrower to the whole fucking thing. She is not paralyzed by the sight of spiders, their webs, and eggs, but she has to admit to her children that the spiders do seem to have taken over.

She keeps saying they’ll have a garage sale, but the husband is never home on weekends, and she’s had plenty of garage sales by her damn self, and she’s grown old and bitter in addition to being fairly certain she ruptures her kidneys and ovaries every time she moves something heavy.

The husband says the garage is his room and it would look just fine if people stopped putting their things in it. Ironically, the wife wonders which room is hers, and decides on the kitchen and laundry. She concurs that those rooms would also look just fine if people stopped putting their things in them. The wife has a shed, but that’s not her freakin lawnmower in it, Buddy!

She dreams of a tidy, organized garage and she knows the only way she’s going to get one is to do it herself. She puts on her big girl panties, her mom jeans, her hoodie, her do-rag, her gloves, and her wellies and she picks up her trusty broom.
She thinks she needs a shop-vac. WTF happened to the shop-vac? IS IT IN A BOX?


I am happy to report that our garage is now cleaned-out and organized, and that my kidneys and ovaries did not rupture. And I found those vintage cameras, in the very last box I opened.

What about you? How’s your garage? Do you need to have a garage sale? Have you ever downsized? 

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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39 Responses to The Garage: A Rant

  1. I have a detached garage. It’s in a pretty sad state. There are things there from when I moved in 2007 that were never unpacked.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. honestme363 says:

    Your garage sounds like my basement! Currently decluttering,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. honestme363 says:

    …learning the benefit of labels and sharpies, even on the bags of garbage.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Probably sharing too much, but my dad’s ashes lived in my last garage for over a year (I’ll see you in Hell).

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Josh Wrenn says:

    My garage is full. The idea was to go through it and clean/sell, but then everything happened. Now it is too cold for a sale. Not sure what I’m going to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    You’re a good woman to do that. The garage is my husband’s domain, and he cleans it out a couple times a year, so I have no complaints in that regard. But we’re lucky–we have a large unfinished storage space in our basement, so our garage doesn’t get too cluttered.

    So glad you didn’t rupture your kidneys and ovaries…

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thank you, me too!
      I just couldn’t take it anymore! He’s always so busy :/
      We had three huge storage closets and a garage and a shed at our last house. I’m amazed at what we got rid of before we moved, after we arrived, and just now. Still, I’m convinced the smaller house is better suited to us than all those things.


  7. Dan Antion says:

    Great post. We could not live together. Not that that was ever an option, but just sayin. Our garage is really the space that surrounds my workshop. From April to November, my workshop extends into the garage. From November to April, I make room for two cars. Don’t nobody organize my stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. jan says:

    The door to our garage has this sign “Danger! Enter at your own Risk!” Seriously. I think that sign says it all.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Benson says:

    Great little rant. I am so glad you got your garage cleaned without doing any irreparable harm to your body. Now you have room for more stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Congrats on the clean garage. It must feel good to have that whopper of a chore off your plate.

    Funny you should mention garage because mine needs to be swept out (I know. It’s annoying when someone complains about having to do such a simple task when you spent hours doing so much more and would kill for such a simple task.) Now, my sunroom is beginning to resemble what you describe your garage looking like. Because I had to pursue my dream of opening a furniture ship, but am too cheap to actually rent a storefront, so my finds go into the sunroom and are not sellign as quickly as new pieces comes in. It’s annoying, and completely self-induced. Sigh.


    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I get that. Makes sense to me! Nah, I don’t mind any complaining that’s ‘less’ than mine. A space is a space and a mess is a mess regardless of size.


  11. Anxious Mom says:

    I ❤ you for that gif. I so thought about Monica and cleaning her vacuum when reading the first part about the cleaning anxiety.

    I'm glad you got the garage cleaned out and that you won't require a kidney transplant. We don't have a garage (the previous owners closed it in to build a huge kick-ass master suite), but I feel your pain as I cannot stand mess, clutter, sloppiness. It is a mood killer. Not that it matters to the other 2.5 people in my house. Our storage buildings are fairly well organized, amazingly. I won't go in them (snake), but I usually give away most things after we no longer have use for them and the stuff I make Sam store is put in labeled totes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Sounds like you have your storage situation under control 🙂
      Mess IS a mood killer! I can’t stand it!
      The weird thing to me, is that The Mister can’t stand a mess, either. I mean, he’s a lil more tolerable than I am — But that garage!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. We started with no garage, then a double for many years, and for several we had five (I loved five – imagine all the stuff I put in five LOL). We’ve been at one oversized one for about ten years. One requires organization or OCD on my part. I clean it at least twice a year. LOL But, hey, I’m the one who entirely cleans the sewing machine and the work area after each project. 🙂 My car could drive itself to recycling and Goodwill. I’m glad you didn’t break anything important while you did all that work.

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:

      Thank you!
      Five, huh? Wow. So like two cars, or three, then a whole garage dedicated to kid crap? a boat?…and then what? lol No, no, I can’t imagine. My neighbor has a pole barn and I’m like “Whoa! Hoard much?” lol
      I did drive some boxes to recycle two years ago — it was more than a half an hour away! Goodwill, tho, is close. And AmVets will come to me 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Sammy D. says:

    Great post, Joey. One of your best! I could see the accumulation through your detail and even who it was in the family who carried each piece to the garage. My Hub tosses NOTHING; but it’s our basement storage area that takes the brunt because we both prioritize fitting our cars in the garage.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Sahar says:

    Wow I can’t even imagine a completely full garage!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Jewels says:

    Don’t even get me started on my garage… grrrrr… But I’m so happy you got yours in order! And also that you didn’t rupture any kidneys or ovaries in the process 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thanks, Jewels!
      I’ve been waiting to catch you here or there, because I found something out, and wanted to share it with you. I recently read that plastic food bowls cause chin acne in cats, so I switched my kitties to ceramic bowls, and I must say, Catticus no longer has chin acne! :O I thought it was worth a shot, just in case this might help your kitty 🙂


  16. reocochran says:

    Joey, I loved your story about a supposed horaders’ garage,” Truly, in many cases~One thing leads to another. If you look inside any of my closets, there is a yearning for my old basement, the one with big tubs of clothes, games, and “junk.”;I whittled much 9f my mess down to a one bedroom apt. Very easy to clean! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. reocochran says:

    Ooh, Joey. Did anyone ask you to take photos of the old cameras? I may take one of my Dad’s and try to think of some sort of story. . .

    Liked by 1 person

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