Moms be all, “Dinner is at one. Bring ten pounds of candied yams.”
In other Great News, “For Secret Santa this year, you need to buy an obligatory $10 gift for your cousin Blarg.” Meaningless gift exchanges are the worst, am I right?
One for each child’s classroom, one for each child’s team, troop, and club. You’ll draw the name of the co-worker you despise the most, the church lady you don’t really know, and inevitably, someone will knit you a toilet paper cozy.
Plus, this year, everyone is chipping in to buy Aunt Bitchy a brand-new chair!
People are arguing over whose family gets Thanksgiving or Christmas, or Christmas Eve vs. Christmas Day. If your mother gets Christmas Day, but you don’t have the kids, you may as well stay your ass home. If she gets Christmas Eve with you and the kids, she’s going to be bitter about the whore who got Christmas Day. Holidays are an excellent time to reflect on how your spawn are the only reason your parents even tolerate you.
People are stressed-out and over-scheduled. They worry about when their year-end bonus is coming, and how they’ll manage getting extra work done while taking time off to see all their kids’ music programs and plays.
Take your mother a fresh turkey, which costs twice as much, so she can put it in the freezer. Will it be turkey twice, or turkey and ham twice, or turkey and goose?
Someone’s made deer chili, so be prepared to hear an hour of arguments about hunting.
“What do you mean you shot this turkey? OH MY GOD YOU SHOT A TURKEY?!?”
There’s always one idiot who feels weird about eating animals that weren’t purchased in a grocery store.
Wait for that one clean and ethical eater to proclaim you’re all murderers. Who’s going to lie and tell Cousin Blarg that the candied yams are vegan?
“Butter? Nooo, Blarg, no butter!”
Will you secretly French-fry the onions in duck lard and smile at Blarg while he eats your green bean casserole? Will you tell him after?
Let’s all make it our business to shame people out of seconds and announce loudly that you’ve made a special sugar-free pie for the diabetics and anyone else who needs to mind his sugar intake, while you stare directly at the largest person in the room.
Remember that time your cousin with five kids told your barren cousin that eating unpasteurized brie is prolly what’s causing her infertility?
Take pictures of people while they eat, and then tag them on social media later.
Be sure to bring up shit people fought about twenty years ago.
Guilt trip your kids who have to work and can’t stay as long.
Pretend not to notice you’re the only grandchild whose picture isn’t hung on the wall.
Enjoy how spiteful everyone looks when they tell you, “You sound just like your mother.”
Bore people with stories about your work.
Shallowly use the “What are we all grateful for?” time to brag about your lavish lifestyle.
Deck the halls, build a gingerbread house and a snowman, volunteer at the mission, bake 144 cookies, go ice skating, make sure your scrip bottles are full, and get new tires so you can drive over the river and through the woods in inclement weather!
Or maybe you can spend three times more than usual on airfare! Woot!
Take one daughter aside to tell her you know it looks like her sister got more, but that’s only because she’s easier to shop for.
Cry a lot and make everyone uncomfortable.
Try to enjoy the ugly Christmas sweater that your mom did not buy ironically.
Draw straws to find out who hasta provide transportation for the grumpiest man that ever did live.
Yup, the people are packin up playpens and boardin their dogs. With overtired children and fussy babies, they will arrive to spend the holidays with family. This includes all the excitement of banal conversation with that one racist uncle and his new cunt wife, sleepin with some scratchy blanket in a room that smells of mold and Mentholatum, sharin a bathroom with twenty people, weak coffee and no liquor, too hot inside, too cold outside, fakin niceties to little brats whose parents should be beaten liberally and often…Because, Family.
Ah, the heartwarming stories of Family…
Why people continue to subject themselves to the torment of holiday traditions, I will never understand.