On Wednesdays, it’s the Standard Operating Procedure of Joeys to pick the girls up and go to one grocery store or another.
It’s fairly straightforward, and involves only one crisis moment — exiting left from my neighborhood. Honestly, unless you’ve been here, you do not know the struggle. This last Wednesday, the universe challenged my patience. It was not me. It was not my lack of sleep. It was not because I had two dangerously large and caffeinated Mr Pibbs at lunch. It was a conspiracy. No I’m not paranoid, and even if I am, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.
1. Having not died in a perilous traffic accident, I pulled up in front of Moo’s school. I was the first parent there, Thank You Anxiety Disorder. Vehicles behind me loaded up their spawn and drove around me. I began to fret. (That’s not Anxiety Disorder, that’s motherhood.) I turned to see the teacher, and some of Moo’s friends, one of whom appeared to be talking to a pillar. I got out of the car and shouted over to the people, “Is there a Moo over there?” Oh hahaha, Moo was behind the pillar. Yes, yes, let’s all laugh at how funny that was.
“Did you want to take her home today?” Ahahaha. Hysterical.
2. Dropped a recently emptied Sadie off with The Mister at home.
3. Parked in the lot to wait for Sassy, who was 15 minutes late, because her bus had to pick up another bus of kids. Given our bus issues, can you even imagine?!? Of course you can!
4. Drove. A man in an SUV wanted me to go 60 in the 35, but I didn’t want to. I felt like 41 was fast enough, so he had to drive all up on my ass until his turn lane appeared. He sped around me in a silver blur so that we could end up side-by-side at the red light. I do not understand these sorts of people. They are bad for my nerves.
5. Stopped at White Castle to get a milkshake, a Sprite, a Coke, and a chicken sammich thing. I do not know the sizes of milkshakes at White Castle, but I know Sassy never wants a small. If you order a large soda at White Castle, they basically give you a giant bucket with a straw. It won’t fit in your cup holder. I did not want to give Sassy a giant bucket of milkshake. If you ask the dumb bitch working the drive-thru what size the milkshakes are, she will tell you “sma, me-um, ge” because special drive-thru language.
“Yes, but what ounces?”
I waited almost five minutes while she said she’d find out, then she told me to order when ready.
“I still don’t know how many ounces.”
I waited again.
“One, ty-one, and forty-one.”
I ordered a me-um.
When I pulled to the window, and handed her my debit card, she told me to hold on because she needed to make change. But I had a debit card.
Finally, we got our goods and turned the corner to Aldi.
6. I was trying to get my straw out of the wrapper with my stupid hands when Moo informed me I had a text from The Mister.
I couldn’t even. Does that not read as if he let the dog scratch and cry at the door for about an hour?!? Couples know, sometimes things happen occasionally, make ya wonder who it is you married. I have been on both sides of that mystical conundrum.
7. At Aldi, some fucking window shopper was in front of me every time I turned around. She stood between me and the entire cookie selection, between me and the entire canned vegetable selection, between me and aaaalllll the cucumbers.
I’ll admit, the first few times I went to Aldi, I gawked like I’d met the wizard, to the point where Sassy claimed I was her mentally-challenged auntie who had never seen organic apples for less than $1 a pound, but I wasn’t in anyone’s way!
Eventually, we were in someone’s way, and as she was huffing, “EXCUSE ME!” I actually felt fucking glad about it. I took pleasure in it like, oh good! my turn to be an inconvenient pain in the ass! I waited for Moo to get the cart out of her way while I smiled smugly.
I have never been in such a low place in my humanity before.
I made comment to the girls that it was best these thing happen to me, because by this point, my husband would be nearing homicidal JAKE SMASH and shit.
8. When it was time to pay, Moo had not put my debit card back in the right place and I had to have an anxiety attack, because I surely had more than $40 worth of groceries and that’s all the more cash I had. Aldi doesn’t take credit cards. Do you know the panic?
9. Leaving Aldi, I sat at one of the shortest lights in the city. Two to three cars get through each green light. I waited four lights.
10. I told the people I’d had enough of Adele’s music, because seriously, some of those songs are just so fucking sad, make ya wanna drive off the bridge, and I was not in the mood. Moo said she couldn’t choose anything because we didn’t have wifi. I talked between my teeth about how iTunes doesn’t need wifi to play the music, “It’s on now! Just pick a different song! GIVE IT TO YOUR SISTER!”
Sister didn’t make it stop. She didn’t make it stop. She just kept scrolling while Adele sang on! Aaah, the agony!
“ARE YOU PICKING A THING?!?”
“I pick a fing.”
Between that and the debit card issue, I don’t think Moo is shotgun-riding material.
I had to get home! I had to get away from the madness! I had to get back to my sad, nervous dog, who, as it turned out, had stopped barking as soon as The Mister opened the door, not after an hour, but straight away, because he was not completely incompetent, he just texts poorly.
You can tell me about your stupid first world problems, or that time your Wednesday was a hump of crap. I’ll be here for you.