Tragic motherboard burnout killed Lappy #1 and Lappy #2 at a relatively young age.
Lappy #3 was the victim of accidental manslaughter before he was even a year old.
Lappy #4? Well…
It began with a flickering, a delay, too many Error 404 Pages.
The blue screen of death appeared from time to time.
Then he failed to wifi.
Tracey came in as a remote ghost and cleaned him up a bit, but said his something or other was dying.
We gave him a blue Ethernet cord and told him to hang in there.
Bubba treated Lappy with salves and prescriptions and said there wasn’t much else he could do.
In a show of solidarity, I rotated my head along with the browser’s cursor, “Go on, Lappy, you can do it!”
I didn’t upgrade Lappy to Windows 10. I knew he’d never make it out alive.
Lappy tired easily and couldn’t make it to the kitchen anymore. He told me I should consider a new battery.
Last month, Lappy’s frame came apart, but I bandaged him with duct tape.
“Nooo, Lappy, don’t go!”
But when I picked Lappy up and his eyeball shattered, I knew the time had come.
Off we went to the place. The place has sold me four of five Lappies now, so it’s fine enough, despite the fact that the staff consists of 12-year-old geeks who think in math and speak in acronyms. They would descend upon me like the prey I am if I didn’t have The Mister. People don’t approach The Mister. I walk around all the Lappies and comment like Goldilocks until I find the one that’s JUST RIGHT. Then I point at it and The Mister nods and motions for one of the blood-thirsty geeks to assist.
An eager little boy jogged over and immediately attempted to upsell me some RAM. I don’t even know what RAM is, but I know I don’t need more of it, because more RAM than I had before is probably RAM I don’t even need. One needn’t bother trying to terrify me with phrases like “significant slow down” when Lappy #4 hasn’t even had his little black box removed yet.
Y’all know how I do. If I could get a walnut computer with ceramic knobs on it, I would.
I shot that little boy down and he took it pretty well.
Home I went, to introduce myself to Lappy #5.
Lappy #5 is a girl.
I know this, because she’s nosy as fuck.
She wants my everything. I’ll be sorry if I don’t give her my everything. Right away.
Every little step in the Next screen is how this bitch can get all up in my shit. She wants to know me in ways my own husband would find too intimate. Lappy #5 be like, “It’s safe, you can trust me,” and I’m more like, “Let’s take it slow for now.”
Lappy #5 offered me a faster set-up in exchange for my location, my contacts, my other devices, my searches, my wallet, my dreams, my secrets, my retina, my fingerprint, and a little bit of my blood, but I resisted and took the long way.
She offered to show me the drive behind her cloud icon and I snarked at her, “A cloud? Really? How original.”
Soon enough a suspiciously Internet Explorer-looking icon appeared and I ran off to find Chrome. Google knows what I want, which is why it led me through a delightful video about how to set my default browser to Chrome.
Purchased my virus protection etc. Ran into some trouble and called the number. Ganesh, who was not from Iowa, answered the phone. I knew it would be bad when I spelled out J-O-L-E-N-E and he spelled back J-U-L-Y but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let him go through his stupid script before Bubba proclaimed him useless and terminated the call.
Removed a lot of programs, which are now called apps you know. Marketing threw this sorta party for me — musta been a hundred icons jumping up, yelling, “Pick me! Play with me!” but I really just wanted to hang out in my sweats, sooo…UNPINNED.
I’m dreading the conversion of photos and fiction.
Lappy #4 is lies prone on the living room floor, on life support. Only the television can reveal thoughts from his battered body. At five, he is ready to leave this world behind.
I’m still mildly concerned about transferring data and allowing
this nosy cow Lappy #5 a peek at my phone. She hasn’t given me any grief in the last 24 hours, so I may well have broken her of her bad habits. I hope Lappy #5 will learn that control is not love, and that if this relationship is to continue, she’ll need to respect my boundaries and stop showing off so much. We’re not going to take over the world, we just want to write and play.
AND STOP ASKING ME TO TALK TO YOU!
(you’d think this computer was made for extroverts. as if.)
I really appreciate Lappy #5, I just…
How are you liking Windows 10? Do you hate adapting to new technology? How long did your oldest computer live? Do you even remember your 32948 passwords?