I like to pride myself in being a good student, but I failed childbirth class.
As many obstetricians do, my doctor recommended a childbirth class and I attended. We attended. It’s my understanding that during childbirth, the partner is supposed to be strong, supportive, and inspiring while the pregnant person performs a miracle. I’m like, really good at being strong, supportive, and inspiring, and would have preferred my husband perform the miracle.
I am a woman, no one cares what I want.
I expected to perform my miracle naturally. All the women in my family had natural childbirths, how hard could it be?
In retrospect, I can say women in my family have basically had natural childbirths because they have had very short labors and deliveries.
“Oh, you wanted an epidural? Sorry, too late. Can we offer you a shot of Demerol instead? Oops! Here comes the baby!”
My baby decided she liked sitting upright inside me.
Like this, but with her foot by her ear. She’s an overachiever.
I suppose it could have been all my yoga that inspired her, but personally, I blame her sister for having been breech, which ultimately means my husband’s DNA is responsible.
So I crawled around on the floor, literally, on my hands and knees, for two weeks, because that’s what the Chinese do to make the baby turn, and they have the lowest rate of breech births. Incidentally, the crawling did help with the intense back labor pains, since I couldn’t take the drugs.
“I’m going to prescribe you a muscle relaxer for the day and a narcotic for the night.”
“I’m very sensitive to medication. I have other children. I’ll need to be awake and alert and capable of driving.”
“No worries. I’m prescribing low doses.”
>Flash to me, unconscious for 8 hours after 5ml of Flexril<
I never took the narcotic.
The crawling didn’t inspire my baby to move, so the doctor told me he’d turn the baby.
I know y’all think I’m a ridiculous person and you never believe anything I say, but if you take away only one thing from me, this is it:
DO NOT LET THEM TURN THE BABY. IF YOUR BABY IS BREECH, JUST GO AHEAD AND HAVE THE C-SECTION.
This is the kind of unsolicited advice I give to strangers.
It hurts. When the doctor says you may feel some discomfort, that means it will hurt. For about an hour, my doctor manipulated my baby manually, through my abdomen, while I writhed and groaned in
agony discomfort. A stream of tears flowed from my eyeballs in a way I only otherwise experience during waxing.
They do not offer analgesics for this turning procedure, but had I known what it would be like, I might have tried that narcotic.
I left with bruises all over my middle, but the baby had been turned, and my back pain was gone.
For a few hours.
Until the baby turned back.
signs your child may be strong-willed may include…
Into the tub I went.
Oh dang. OW.
Per the instructions of my OB, I called the doctor on-call to tell her the baby moved back and that I was experiencing pain.
She told me to go to the hospital.
I didn’t want to go to the hospital.
She said it could be labor.
I said I had had this pain before. It’s not labor. Labor must surely hurt more than this.
To the hospital, she ordered.
Monitors and all that.
The nurses rolled their eyes at me, “It’s not labor.”
For three more weeks, I crawled around on my hands and knees to relieve the pressure on my back. Then I went to have my baby the new-fangled, unnatural way.
It was delightful.
I had my spinal block and lay on a table feeling that sorta feeling that you get when you’ve been in the bath long enough to prune and you’re relaxed and downright dozy. I couldn’t feel anything below my waist. Numb is so much better than pain.
So yeah, I failed childbirth class.
While I was recovering, I heard women in labor. It didn’t sound like an easy A.
SoCS ‘class’ is brought to you by LindaGHill