Slit Issues

My back tensed painfully.
My abs were aching.
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
I couldn’t breathe. I said, “Oh my God, I can’t breathe!”


Not too long ago, The Mister picked me out a blouse at the store. It was bizarre in that 1) my husband actively shopped for me 2) the blouse was full price and 3) the blouse had more than two colors. The Mister has a sorta two color maximum about clothes. This is generally fortunate, because I don’t really care for prints, and when I do, I lean toward monochromatic, not that The Mister would agree on the definition of monochromatic. I doubt he even knows what that means. *asks* No, he doesn’t.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe he picked out the blouse, which is predominately blue, of course, but it has what looks like stippled paint in assorted colors. I’m shocked he picked out a clothes for me. I honestly don’t think he’s ever done that. It’s all silky and pretty and I love it.

I thought I’d wear it to work the other day…

Lemme tell you, I had a good gigglesnort, because um, the what-appears-to-be-a-modest-slit at the yoke on the hanger is actually quite the deep V on me. Whoa boobs.
It occurred to me that The Mister may have surmised this cleavage feature before me. But did he? Cause I know he knows I won’t take my boobs to work.

I sometimes take my boobs to parties, but I do not take my boobs to work. This may or may not have anything to do with why I was the world’s worst waitress…

I took off the shirt, pinned it closed, and put it back on. All good. Modesty, check. Ready for work.

At a later date, I put on the shirt to wear to dinner.

I was standing behind him when I asked, “Did you know this shirt was like this?”
He turned around, “Like wha– Oh! Hello!”
I laughed.
“No Baby, I didn’t.”

I wore the blouse out to dinner. I managed to eat a bowl of clam chowder and some crab cakes without any spillage, but the wild rice did me in. I shook out my napkin, “Too bad the dog’s not here.”



Then during dessert, I felt something hit my torso. I looked at Sassy and she looked back at me and I indicated for her to be quiet so as not to attract The Mister’s attention, because he does so love to make fun of me being a bad foodie who can’t even get all the food into her mouth.


Sassy and I failed.
He noticed.
I didn’t notice him noticing until he’d already noticed.
I discreetly felt myself up, checking to see where what part of my dessert landed…

It was inside. I could not discreetly reach into my blouse for it, but the booth was shielding me from any non-Motterns, soooooo — that slit came in handy.
*swoop swoop*dig dig*





The Mister said, “Oh suuure, when I do that at a restaurant, I’m being inappropriate, but when you do it, it’s okay! I don’t even get to kiss you, but you get to give yourself a little treat!”

I lost it. Just lost it.

I was overtaken in a fit of laughter.
Had we been at home, I may have fallen onto the floor, clutching my stomach and kicking my legs. I was trapped in a booth with The Mister, rollicking with spasms of laughter.
My back tensed painfully. “My back!”
My abs were aching. “My abs!”
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
I raised my arms over my head, “I need to yoga!”
I couldn’t breathe. I said, “Oh my God, I can’t breathe!”

For several minutes we all laughed like that.

I never did find what fell, but I found the best laugh I’d had in a long while.

Happy Friday Everyone!

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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47 Responses to Slit Issues

  1. marianallen says:

    *cackling like a hen and trying to catch my breath* Oh, gurll, you do so crack me up!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. joey says:

    Oh good, I’m glad I got a laugh, because 17 other people liked it, but not so much as a lol, so it’s hard to tell if it’s only funny to me and my family. Thank you 🙂


  3. Dan Antion says:

    Finally a post about boobs that I can actually comment on. Thanks for the good laugh on a Friday. That’s just what I need to roll in the weekend. I used to buy clothes for the Mrs. all the time. These days, I just stare at stuff and shake my head.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. meANXIETYme says:

    How sweet of him to buy you a blouse. And one that works in so many ways. 😉
    I always spill, too, so I know the feeling. Between Hub and I, we go through stain treatment spray like whoa.
    Thanks for the giggles.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ROFL!!! OMG! This is hilarious! I have tears in my eyes.

    Sharing this with Baby Girl who was blessed cursed with more boobs than anyone I know. She didn’t get em from me!

    You know in 37 yrs. I don’t think He-Man has ever bought me clothes on his own…without a detailed list from me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I am so glad you enjoyed it, thank you! 😀 I love that you’re going to share it!

      The Mister sent me a pajama-gram a long time ago, when he was overseas. As I recall, the pajamas were pretty, but sucked in terms of quality and comfort — I kept the pretty box they came in. Go figure THAT was durable 😉 It’s sweet, to be shopped for 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Judy Martin says:

    HaHAHA! Oh, Joey, you are funny! Thanks for sharing the laughs 😆😆😆

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Well, of course that piece of dessert is going to land right there! Had it been me and my hubby, he probably would have offered to fetch it for me. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Anxious Mom says:

    Thank you for making me Muttley laugh and get weird looks from my kids. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Chez Shea says:

    Oh boy- I needed a laugh today. THanks for that Joey.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I can relate. I don’t have the…obstructions you do, so I am forever dropping food right ‘there.’ It’s come to the point where everyone at the table is just waiting for it to happen. Oh joy!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. darsword says:

    I’ve been away from the computer a lot lately. It is THIS kind of thing I miss most of reading your blog. OMG! I was laughing so hard!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. pluviolover says:

    Laughter like that…I love it. Thanks for sharing yours. Have another laugh like that this weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. loisajay says:

    You can dress you up but can’t take you out…..oh, wait! You did go out….that’s what started this whole thing! What a riot—says the girl with no boobs whatsoever. You are too much! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  14. That’s awesome! Cracks me up, because my wife and I have the same problem. She’s constantly spackling her boobs with marinara or something, and frequently tells me I have salad in my beard or some other culinary delight.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Josh Wrenn says:

    Not even on Take Your Boobs To Work Day?

    Liked by 1 person

  16. joannesisco says:

    You’ve just described me eating popcorn … well, except without all the laughter … Gilles just looking at me oddly while I’m peering inside my shirt. How they get inside my bra and half way around to the back I simply don’t understand.

    .. and that’s why I don’t eat popcorn in public.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Thankfully, I live alone and rarely eat out. I definitely know that feeling when something drops – on the wrong side of my shirt. It doesn’t matter if it’s cookie crumbs or a piece of cauliflower, somehow it has to come out of there…

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Alice says:

    I don’t have words for all the varieties of joy and gigglesnorts I got from reading this post. I — and my boobs. which I ALWAYS bring to blog-reading with me — enjoyed it mightily!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. reocochran says:

    Oh my god! Your story had me in stitches, Joey! Definitely I have “kiwis” and wish I had “coconuts!!” I probably get most food sliding straight down into my crotch. This is equally embarrassing since wet spots and over 60 don’t go too well. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  20. “I sometimes take my boobs to parties, but I do not take my boobs to work.” Good words to live by! I am laughing so hard.

    Liked by 1 person

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