Dutiful Wife

This is the story of how my day was ruined by the mysterious disappearance of my navy blue pants.
Nothing quite so tragic had befallen me since The Pillow Incident of 2015.

We were about to go away for our annual Labor Day trip and therefore, I had a lot to do. The Mister, because he’s The Original Man Without A Plan, (we’ll do that post sometime when I’m mad at him or he’s in a super good mood) gave me additional duties. No, I don’t know what the fuck he was thinkin. Prolly some reasonable shit like I work fewer hours than he does and I don’t take a full course load on top of that or whatever.

Additional duties:

1. Drop battered Old Glory at the VFW.
Well, I tried, but what I thought was the nearest VFW turned out to be The American Legion and I’ve got to look that up. There has GOT to be one on the fort. Imma look it up, I really am.

2. Pay water bill.
Yes, in person, because the dumbass water company can’t bill properly to save their lives and they still haven’t hired a deposit specialist to cash the fucking checks. I went in there, slid my statement and my $100 bill through the slot in the glass and the lady said somethin about One-fifty-two-somethin and I said, “Pardon me?” as indignantly as I possibly could. She said a new bill was due on the 15th. I said, “That’s nice, I don’t have a new bill yet. I’m just paying the bill we do have.” Maybe I said it a little bit through my teeth.

3. Mail insurance dooji.
I don’t know what the fuck it’s called. It’s that thing that plugs into your car and magically records your driving. I often drop our office’s residual mail at the Castleton post office on the way home. I’ve cultivated relationships at the post office. I’ve become That Lady Who Always Asks If We’re Sure.
“And you’re sure it will be postmarked today?”
“I just want to be sure.”
“We’re sure.”
I don’t have to tell them I have anxiety disorder and trust issues. They know.
*makes note to take baked goods to post office ladies*

4. Get Bonnie Blue serviced.
This is a total Man Job, am I right? The Mister always does the car things. Good golly, I don’t wanna deal with oil changes and tire rotations and men who call me Little Lady. But then The Mister started talkin about the utterly complex agenda he had formulated, somethin about him takin the car in early and then bringin it home at lunch and it started to sound like one of those story problems with the trains so I said, “I’ll take it.”

I had planned to wear my navy blue pants and a sleeveless floral blouse and my red granny sandals which are quite comfortable. I have little control over my life, I just like knowing what the fuck I’m going to wear, okay? It comforts me.
So I straightened my hair and put my face on and I was sorta la-ti-da-ing and tra-la-la-ing around in my underwear, pleased as pie about how it was a Navy Blue Day only two days til we’d leave and I sang a lil tune about the lovers the dreamers and meeeeee….and MY NAVY BLUE PANTS WERE NOT IN MY PANTS SECTION!

Do you fuckin believe that shit?


So I checked in the blue section. Non et non et non. My frenzy heightened….

(At our house, it’s customary I do the washing machine bit. Generally Moo rotates the laundry. Usually Sassy puts the dry clothes on our bed and everyone takes care of their own putting away. Except The Mister went to bed early the night before and so he put away my things too, that asshole.)

So I did what most women do in a fashion crisis — I put on all black. I wore my black pencil skirt and my black summer sweater and my black espadrilles.

I sent an urgent email to my family:

my navy blue pants? anyone?

*cries in black skirt*


The Mister, he sent me back:

Sorry, I wore them today



Later he text me that he’d hung them up and he didn’t remember where. I couldn’t even.



I was driving to work when I realized I had chosen the absolute worst thing to wear. You see, I work so close to the car dealership, I can literally walk there, which may or may not be why it makes sense that I should be the one to drop Bonnie Blue off, so just shut up with your logic and shit.
I could envision myself walking from the dealership to my office in my navy blue pants and my sensible granny sandals, lookin all mom-like, but I didn’t want to walk DOWN THE STREET in my skirt and my heels, lookin all woman-like because well, we covered that Tuesday.

They offer shuttle service The Mister text me.
oh good, cause i really wanna hike my ass into a fucking shuttle in this skirt.

FYI: Even in a fashion crisis, black summer sweater not the best choice for temperatures close to 100.

I asked Mentor if she minded picking me up. She did not mind.

I drove over to the dealership and it was all very complicated with the men and the lack of signage or any indication of procedure and automatic doors and the removal of the key from my ring, but I managed.


That man asked for my odometer reading and because I am me, I stared blankly at him and said, “My what?! Oh miles. I dunno. Not many.” Is that a normal question? Who the fuck knows how many miles are on their car on a random Wednesday in August?  Shut up, I wasn’t askin you.


I arranged for the shuttle driver to pick me up after work. She was a little late, but she took me to the dealership in her lovely air-conditioned van upon which she had just installed running boards. She understood my navy blue pants problem.

It turns out Sassy had put my navy blue pants in Moo’s room BECAUSE SHE HATES ME as all children secretly hate their mothers.


In exchange for these extra duties, The Mister said he’d help me pack. He packed his own clothes.
He simply forgot every single one of his toiletry items.

Happy Friday Everyone! May you have all that you need for the weekend!

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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41 Responses to Dutiful Wife

  1. Love your sense of humor! I so understand where your frustration. I have a closet of stuff, but I only wear about three outfits on a regular basis (because I’m too busy or lazy to create new outfits). So, when my favorite pair of pants disappear into a sea of things I never wear, it’s very stressful. Anyway, so glad you tracked down your navy blue pants. 🙂 Happy weekend!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. eschudel says:

    This may be why we never go anywhere…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So hysterical. And love the photo of the pup at the wheel of the car. Thanks for starting my morning laughing. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Luanne says:

    So freaked funny. I’m under the dryer in a roomful of women who now think I’m crazier than I really am. I can so relate to the myriad of anxieties.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dan Antion says:

    You probably don’t want to hear that my thought process for what I’m gonna wear goes like: “any of those pants, any shirt and black shoes: – ‘cuz I want to control the universe – see Ellen’s post. Unless it’s Friday, when it’s “jeans, any shirt and sneakers”

    But I do take the car for service.

    Very funny post. I love finding something at lunch on a Friday that makes me laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Erika says:

    Isn’t it lovely when men help out and pack their own stuff? 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. John Holton says:

    Someone once said that all comedy is pain. That being the case, that was the best laugh I had all day.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Bradley says:

    You gave me a good laugh this morning. Schadenfreude in action. I’m glad you had a happy ending.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. marianallen says:

    ROTFLOL! Glad you got all THAT tooken care of.

    #2 Daughter and I had a yellow sweater we ganked off each other all the time, and decided to just share custody. To make things easier, we named it. “Where’s Mr. Mustard?” “It’s folded up in the clean clothes, but I was gonna wear it.” “Sucks to be you, ’cause it’s going on me RIGHT NOW.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      We girls share accessories. We don’t share clothes.

      Except that day I accidentally put on Sassy’s jeans instead of my own — and decided I REALLY needed to lose weight! LOL 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Benson says:

    What a delicious and wonderful post. Humor is the Best Medicine. For what it is worth I can relate to the tale of the missing pants. I just hate it; Yes Hate it; when the clothes I had planned to wear for a particular event or trip turn up missing. Well you did the best you could. Basic Black. What did Coco Chanel say?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. April says:

    It’s awful to have your mind set according to comfort level and something changes it to not-so-comfort level.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Norm 2.0 says:

    Great stuff. Just hilarious. There are times when you just gotta wear what you intended to wear right?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Laura says:

    Oh. My. God. Laughed so hard at this — I had to stop midway through to catch my breath and e-mail the link to a bestie demanding that she drop everything and read this RIGHT EFFING NOW because she will think you are her long lost sister. The blue pants….the black crisis outfit….the mileage question!! I got that one last week, too. Can you believe my hubs can rattle off his mileage like it’s his birthday? Show off.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Nancy says:

    I totally get it. My Hubby knows I don’t do car maintenance. I don’t take them for inspection either. There is just something about dealing with that stuff that makes my IQ drop. He doesn’t take the cats to the vet so it all evens out. Glad it all worked out and I hope you enjoyed your time away. Did you take the blue slacks on vacation since they hadn’t been worn? 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Hi Nancy! Thanks for stoppin in! Excellent point about the vet! My husband has literally never taken a pet to the vet!
      I didn’t take any slacks on vacation — it was a casual weekend 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. I only took my car in for inspection once…they did all kinds of stuff that I paid for that the hubs said was not necessary. He went back to the garage and bitched about it. They clearly took advantage of my lack of car mechanic savvy. I never took it for service again. But, I do know my mileage ! ☺ Funny post. We all pack separate bags, whatever is missing…they buy on their own. No one ever forgets much.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. loisajay says:

    Oh, Joey–what a hoot this was. Oh, yes–the all black thing. I have a black sleeveless turtleneck. That I wear in the summer. In Florida. That doesn’t even make sense.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Joanne Sisco says:

    omg – I loved this! “I have little control over my life, I just like knowing what the fuck I’m going to wear” might just be the motto of my life 😀
    Nothing, NOTHING, throws me into a panic faster than discovering I can’t wear what I had carefully planned. Too funny when reading it through someone else’s experience! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  18. I read this, just after an anxiety-filled week due to my leaving for San Antonio, TX on Monday. I have absolutely nothing packed, and no idea what I want to take to wear. I know they will be giving us 3 shirts when we check in at the hotel. But what ELSE do I NEED?? Make a list – and never look at it, not even once…

    Liked by 1 person

  19. jan says:

    Sometimes it’s the supposedly minor things that set the tone for the day !

    Liked by 1 person

  20. reocochran says:

    Oh my gawd! Joey, not having children anymore to pack you will would think life was a piece of cake! But no! Grandies use washcloths and toilet paper for all sorts of things. Company may stop by and no clean washcloths, nor toilet paper! Have children started changing into “clean-niks?”
    Anyway, so sorry that Sassy put your navy blue pants in Moo’s room and I totally understand about no black pencil skirt on roads where men may per out and also, heat may overcome the summer sweater effect. Phew! Does it make you feel any better that it won’t end when they graduate and leave?
    My son turned 35 (9/24) and is still my “easiest” child, though. Makes me sit down upon arrival at his house, gets me a cold beverage or offers (via text) on my ten hour days “to go” home-cooked meals with curbside service with a kiss. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I tell ya, Robin, ya did good on that boy 😀
      I don’t think my kids have become clean-niks, but maybe your grandies have lol — Moo DOES use a lot of washcloths…


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    Liked by 1 person

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