The Mister locked his keys in his car yesterday at work. My husband seems to do this more than other people, but not chronically. I went about twenty years between — both times in my own driveway, because I am very special.
Ironically, I have asked The Mister to carry the spare set of keys because I’m afraid this very thing will happen to me. But instead it happened to him.
He was not carrying the spare set, so I had to go to his work.
He works about 4381929 hyperbolic miles and 284932308 exaggerated traffic circles away — AND WEST.
I was not excited.
Since The Roundabout Incident last summer, I have been finding MORE traffic circles, and they are not my friends. I have been trying to adjust, but they are not my friends.
I remind you, I live in THE CIRCLE CITY and lived directly off a traffic circle for seven years. While I am not uncomfortable in every single traffic circle, many of these newfangled ones are gloriously filled with fuckery.
What’s in my brain while I drive through the newfangled traffic circles:
Screams. Just screams. Sometimes I vocalize them.
Do you know that feeling when you want to take a sedative so you can drive, but you can’t take a sedative because you hafta drive?!?
I clicked the address to his work and pressed Directions and then Go. Off I went, norther and norther and wester and wester still.
I needed to go north on Meridian, but one cannot exit the interstate and head north there. It’s part of the city’s new fuck-you-make-a-u-turn agenda. I was about to make this u-turn when navigation tried to send me east.
“Head east on 96th Street.”
“No.”
“Head east on 96th Street.”
“NO! That’s not right, Siri!”
(What, you don’t talk to your GPS?)
I turned her volume off and pulled into a parking lot. The meddling map app in my super-smart phone was obviously deluded. Do you know what it had done? At some point, it decided it was the time of day I go to work, so it altered the address to accommodate me. It was trying to send me to my job at go-to-job time. How fucking thoughtful.
I went back into The Mister’s text, clicked the address again. Directions. Go.
“Turn right onto Meridian Street.”
“Okay.”
After much traffic-circling I arrived. I gave him the spare set of keys.
He sure did look handsome, walkin out to my car. I thought, if i wasn’t married to him, i’d totally want soma that. His power over me is strong. so handsome i’d drive to carmel for you, baby.
The Mister and I discussed whether I should leave left or right. He suggested left, with fewer traffic circles. He reminded me “465 EAST.”
“Right.”
I typed in my work address, chose the left option, and headed out.
“Enter the traffic circle and take the second turn to US 31 South.”
“Okay.”
There was no sign for US 31 South and the second turn was Main St.
I took Main St.
But I could see US 31 South. AS I PASSED IT. I planned to turn around.
Siri had a similar opinion.
“Complete the traffic circle to change directions.”
“Right on.”
But then, some asshat tried to crash me in the roundabout! I was in the outer lane and he was on the inner lane and he exited in front of me.
“No car! No! Bad driver! Bad!”
joey doodle for marian
I fucking hate Carmel, and roundabouts, and asshats.
Fuckfaces, the lot of you!
In case you think I am exaggerating the frequency of roundabouts in Carmel…
This photo says it’s the 100th roundabout. For a population of 86,000.
Heading west to US 31 South, there is a sign.
I exited as indicated.
Y’all, there is no sign for 465 EAST for miles. There is a sign for 465 SOUTH, and another, and another, and then finally, at the split, 465 EAST.
This is reason 904 why I think the signage in this city is terrible for out-of-towners.
I made it to work. Shaking. Visibly pallid and disturbed.
I talked to my boss about traffic circles, “Do you traffic circle well?” I asked. He assured me asshats people are not supposed to turn from the inside lane.
YA THINK!?
…
Leaving work, I stopped at the post office.
The post office has feathered parking. It’s ONE WAY.
Imagine my surprise when as I backed my car up to exit my parking space, some dickhead sped in, the wrong way, and parked beside me.
“Safety First Motherfucker!” I screamed, but he didn’t hear me, cause I wasn’t louder than my soothing classical music set to full blast.
Bonus points are given to anyone who can guess the make of the asshole’s car. Extra bonus points if you knew he wore aviator sunglasses and boasted a man bun.
I’ll be takin the scenic route to work today. Closest I can get to a sedative.
joeyfullystated 
I’m going to guess the car was nearly as special as the driver thought he was. When those things happen to me, I think back to the days I drove a big red truck that was enough that I didn’t care much about what happened. People didn’t mess with that truck. The Mrs drove it for a while. That might not have been a great idea. The Mister should get you a big truck for the circles 🙂
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The Mister thinks back to his 70-somethin Impala. The Pickle, he called it. I would rather have a flying broom, Dan 😉
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Roundabouts are the new black in our city. I just don’t get it…is there a traffic incident and road rage number quota they are not reaching??
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RIGHT?
The statistics say they create fewer traffic accidents and supposedly they save money. They are SURELY increasing road rage and panic attacks!
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I love how you talk about the Mister. LOL. And I’m glad you made it to your destination(s). I hate circles and I hate the asshats who can’t figure out circles. Fortunately, we only have a few here on my regular routes.
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Thank you 🙂
Oh traffic circles are the bane of my existence! And reportedly, we’re to get more in the city proper. 😦
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HAHA this came up on my FB feed a few minutes ago and I immediately thought of you, Joey! I don’t know if the link will work or not but…
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Dang. Well, if you click that little bit that says watch on FB, you might be able to see it. 🙂
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I did click it and I did laugh! I do that on Mario Kart all the time but I bet the City of Carmel would not give me power-ups for that! LOL
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Hahahahahaha!
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Remind me to take a Valium before I get in the car with you. Ill have one for both of us. 😉
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Thank you, will do 🙂
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Sounds horrible, those circles and directions going every which way. I’d probably never get on the road again! We used to have a circle here, but not any more. Mostly we have straight north/south, east/west roads over the whole city. Then, we don’t really need circles to have stupid drivers, as they cause plenty of trouble on the straight roads here. Glad you made it!
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Thank you!!!
I like my city with corners and crossings, thank you! I’m sad they’re slowly coming this way. I really am trying to adjust.
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I agree with everything you said in this post, except west. I’m a westerner, and love west. We’ve just gotten a new traffic figure eight, because a circle wasn’t bad enough. I’ll register my guess for Manbun’s car as … Subaru.
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Thank you. I’m an east-sider and the west side confuses me.
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So did I guess the car of choice?
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No, but someone finally did — Mercedes.
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Out here, the manbuns all come in a Subaru. Great post today.
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Thank you so much, Craig 🙂
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I hate those circles! We only have a few of them here that I’ve come across, but no one know wtf they’re doing. Was man-bun driving a Prius?
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Thank you, Jewels. Nope.
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I’m glad I’m not the only one who dislikes roundabouts. There aren’t any in my town, but when I travel to a larger city to buy clothes or find entertainment I usually encounter one. Driving through them feels…so weird.
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Yes. Some are easy and some ARE weird!
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I’m guessing a Prius. At least they seem to be the bane of my commuting nightmare. 😦
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Nope, but that seems to be a popular vote!
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The clowns in charge here in Fort Collins are also in love with the round-abouts. Rumor has it we’re all getting one to replace our driveways.
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OMG, I hope that’s a joke!
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Ha,Ha, funny. What is so good about these roundabouts? We don’t have too many in my locale, thankfully, but I have seen them in other towns and they do intimidate me..like who has the right of way???? Is there a Carmel where you live, I don’t think you are talking about Carmel, California, which is a gorgeous place btw, and I don’t think Carmel, Ca. has a lot of roundabouts but not sure. 🙂
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I don’t think most of the people on the roundabouts KNOW who has the right of way and that’s 99% of what’s wrong!
Yes, Carmel is a city north of Indianapolis.
But it’s pronounced like car-mull.
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There is a roundabout in a town not too far from hear and it seems like everyone has to alternate entering and exiting. It is just a very small one in a residential area and I though it was confusing. Are you saying 99% think they have the right of way 😉 Ours is pronounced car-mell. 🙂
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I know, that’s why I told you ours is different 😉
Yeah, no one here wants to take turns. It’s pretty hectic and frantic!
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I can imagine! 🙂
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You wouldn’t like driving in Sedona AZ then. It’s full of round-abouts. I missed an exit in one in Sedona and went around again saying, WEE, the scenic route! 🙂 I did notice a lot of tourist who didn’t “Get” how they work, and wouldn’t merge when they shoulda, or would merge too soon causing the car already in the circle with the right-away to slam on their brakes. I didn’t think they had round-abouts in their towns where they came from.
I like them. I wish the city would eliminate the stops signs in my neighborhood and put in round abouts it would stop all those rude asses from running the stop signs, and from completely ignoring the who goes first rules, and hopefully they’d be less rude. Probably not, but one can hope!
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Well, I spose someone has to be fans of the roundabouts. Good to know they work for you. I spend most of my traffic circle time yielding. Forever. lol
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😦
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I LEARNED to drive in Mexico City, with glorietas (as we call them at home) everywhere. Maybe you need to do that when you’re young, or you are never going to be completely comfortable with them. It’s true for swimming: adults who don’t learn as children can still learn, but apparently they don’t get quite as good at frolicking.
Sorry. I like the darned things – they’ve installed a bunch in our county, and, once you learn to drive them (assuming you ever do), they do make traffic flow better (except in the case of the man? with the manbun you speak of, who should be removed from the planet, if Darwin doesn’t do it for the Darwin Award, or he has, horrors, already reproduced). There was ONE horrible three-way intersection with stop signs near the Princeton Junction train station that made everyone’s commute literally twice as long. Maybe they can provide special elevators for the cars of the panicked.
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I’m glad you like them. Apparently they’re the wave of the future!
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Back to the Future then; they have been a feature of Mexico City since there have been roads there.
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Yes, and isn’t that amazing? Somethin like 7 million people there, and they all seem to know how they work!
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Yup. They grow up – it’s part of the driver’s exam, but it’s already in their bones from being passengers since before birth.
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I think adding it to the Indiana Driver’s Manual would be good. Especially for kids in Carmel.
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Great idea – you’d make a powerful advocate.
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A Beamer – definitely a Beamer! The roundabouts in England are definitely the worst cause everyone’s going the wrong way on the wrong side of the road!
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Good guess, but no.
I can’t even imagine going through a roundabout from the left! 😛
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Roundabouts are an affront to drivers everywhere. The only excuse for them is that the creators are suffering from genetic damage brought about by drug use among their parents. The only place they seem to work is Jamaica, and people drive scooters there. And are more than likely stoned. Geist has a fondness for roundabouts too and my son swears that they cut down traffic congestion. Of course they do. Fucking people stopped driving that part of 96th street because of them. As for your bonus question I would guess Prius, or some other hip hybrid. Stepping off soap box now. Hope your week is fun and happy.
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I LIKE your soapbox. It has not improved traffic congestion in Geist, they’re just congested in different places. I frickin hate them, Benson.
This week is slow and painful. Hurry up and wait. But ah, the weekend’s out there somewhere!
I hope your week is mo’ betta. 🙂
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Absolutely, a Beemer.
This was a riot!
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Good guess, but no.
And thanks, John! 😀
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Classic Joey. Full of appropriately used inappropriate language which never fails to make me laugh especially when combined with traffic circles, hot husband, and man-bun fun. Great read though I am sorry for your stress at traffic circles.
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Thank you for your compliments and compassion, Susanne 🙂
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I fricken hate roundabouts even more than locking my keys in the car.
We can’t have roundabouts here on account of too many asshats.
I’m guessing parking lot/man bun guy was driving either a Beamer, a Benz, or a Rover.
am I right?
am I right?
am I right?
😀
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Mercedes-Benz, Norm. Absolutely. He was VERY special.
I’m glad you hate the roundabouts, too. It comforts me.
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Ok, at first I thought of BMW, but now I think it might be a VW. I don’t know models. You need to listen to the Some Beach song (I think Kenny Chesney) – then it would be a Mercedes-Benz.
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Well I am NOT going to listen to Mr Chesney, but yes ma’am, you are the winner — It was a Mercedes. Yep.
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Just to be different and to not add fuel to the “you-know-what”-about fire, let’s focus on the parking lot. “Feathered” is a new term for me. Totally appropriate.
OK, I lied. I will add fuel to the fire.
I once had to exit a roundabout… well, d’uh, otherwise I’d still BE there and not typing to you, right? Anyway, I more or less squeezed my eyes shut, gave ‘er the gas, and prayed to God to deliver me from the funhouse. Lucky for me God was listening and accommodating that day.
Fortunately, they don’t know about the stupid things up here.
Yet.
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Basic traffic circles are fine. Some of these are FAR too complicated for me — too many lanes, someone creepin up on my left, people goin way too fast, rule-breakers. It’s supposed to slow people down, but I dunno that they’ve noticed. My screams hear your prayer, Maggie — thanks for chimin in 🙂
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We don’t have circles. We have R-turn only lanes that people don’t know about until they realize they are in the wrong lane and wanna go straight through–no right turn. Gotta love those last minute “I need to be in the left lane” people. Sure, zoom right in front of me, buddy. Next time, read the damn traffic signs.
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I am familiar. We have a lot of those here, and also, much of the left lane as well. I think we’re much less good at signs in Indiana, though. If you dunno where you’re goin, it’s hard to follow the signage.
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Roundabouts are great….if you’re in England–where they understand how they work. 🙄
Most Americans don’t know what to do, because we’re not used to them. Glad you made it to help the Mister. 🙂
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Me toooo, thanks! I really think we could ALL benefit from a how to. I mean, it’s not even in the driver’s manual. And SOME people are just so greedy with their space and speed!
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I agree! Instructions should definitely be in the driver’s manual, especially since roundabouts are popping up everywhere these days!
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😂😂😂😂 I haven’t read the others’ comments (spoiler alert!) but I’m thinking some kind of white VW.
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Thanks for laughing 🙂
Mercedes.
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Good lord. The roundabout in the town over is roundabout like the one in your picture and there are NO SIGNS for what road you’re turning onto. My brain just cannot.
And, man, people hating on Priuses.
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(And apparently my brain cannot type sentences that make sentence tonight.)
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I gotcha fine. 🙂
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Signage is CRUCIAL.
I know. I thought that was strange, too. I’ve never noticed all the Prius asshats people encounter…
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I see only trouble in roundabouts so I stop and wait! I get honked at a Lot! I finally go and pray for my safe trip around the roundabout.
I was going to guess a minivan since I have been finding them rather irritating lately. I didn’t think socio-economics which really makes sense on the guesses and sorry it was a Mercedes! (No, I don’t own one. Just wished it was someone who banged into my car and wished they could read your lips and mine, too.)
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Haha! Yes, bang my car, Mr. Mercedes 😉 LOL
Some of the traffic circles are fine, and some are a nightmare. I’m sorry you get honked at, but better honked than crashed! xo
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I couldn’t decide to die laughing or in fear with this post! I do want to correct the assumption that Americans can’t figure them out. It is that one doesn’t know which is the street they really need to be over for.
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Yes. When you don’t know where you’re going, SIGNS are really important and roundabouts I think moreso.
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Oh boy. Ya know, I’ve gone my entire life without seeing roundabouts, except on TV when the show was in England. And I always thought, “those look stupid.” And then all of a sudden, just a couple years ago when I was delivering pizza in Mason, they were doing construction on an intersection. And it turned into a roundabout. And I was all, “this is fucking stupid.” But but, after that one, I ran into no less than a dozen. All over. There, Cincinnati, right down the street from me. They’re multiplying faster than cats in a trailer park. And I hate them all. All of them. And the people who use them. And the people who don’t use them. Everybody.
Oh, and GPS… I started Ubering again, and they insist you use their GPS navigation. First time using it I started off going the wrong way, so I turned around and headed back. After I turned around, the GPS said I should make a U-turn even though the map was showing that I was now headed in the right direction. It told me to U-turn the entire trip. AND, it showed me on the map about a mile behind where I actually was. I missed turns. I hate Uber. And I hate GPS.
And people.
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Your honesty is refreshing and makes me feel better 🙂 Thank you.
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I was pallid and shaking just reading this. Just kidding, but I feel for your stressful situation. Or would that be SHITuation?
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Shituation feels accurate! Thanks! 🙂
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NH has roundabouts and circles everywhere. It’s like they decided to save money on traffic lights by adding them. And, they are a traffic nightmare especially during tourist season. That car that pulled next to you – if it was here, it would be a MassHole. 🙂
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HAHAHA! MassHole 😛
They are reportedly more cost-efficient. And they probably stimulate the economy for the comforts one needs after driving through 20 of them in an hour! Cupcakes, liquor, big pharma, whatever!
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Sadly funny. Or hilariously tragic. I love the term “feathered” for that kind of parking — it’s PERFECK! There were a couple of towns with roundabouts around their town squares between here and where two of our girls went to college. Once you’d circled three or four times, you were able to read the road signs and get into the correct lane. There were some in some suburbs of Louisville that also came with stop signs, and those were easy. The new ones are, as you say, just jam-packed with stellar amounts of fuckery. Directional arrows painted on the road don’t help much WHEN THEY’RE COVERED BY THE BODIES OF OTHER CARS, now do they? The horror! The horror!
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“Directional arrows painted on the road don’t help much WHEN THEY’RE COVERED BY THE BODIES OF OTHER CARS, now do they?”
Marian, that comment is everything! If I ever write about traffic circles again, Imma quote you! Yes! Yes! Yes!
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Are shiny new roundabouts at US 62 and I-265 are an insurance adjustors wet dream. Every freaking day an accident happens there!
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They’re vile.
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I HATE roundabouts and we have got loads in the town where I live. I hate yours more because it took me a while to work out how they work being ‘the wrong way round!’ 🙂
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Isn’t that funny? Cause I seriously think the same thing when I see yours. I would SO be round and round, Judy! 😛
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One way round is enough to get my head spinning as it is!!
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1) I’m trying not to be offended by all the people who said “Beemer”. Seriously … you’ve never even been in a car with me. I’M. NOT. THAT. BAD.
2) I thought bad Mercedes drivers were a Toronto thing. Apparently I’m learning it’s a Mercedes thing.
3) I like the idea of driving a really big truck. I would challenge any loser trying to muscle into my lane … including the cab driver I encountered earlier this afternoon in the pouring rain who aggressively tried to take over my lane while I was still occupying it.
4) If you think driving traffic circles is bad, try navigating one on a bicycle. It’s a miracle I’m still alive.
5) I like traffic circles. Maybe it’s because we don’t have any.
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1) I know it’s not nice to label people by their car makes, but some people really believe their cars make them special-er than other people in other cars.
2) It’s also a Honda thing. People who drive Hondas tailgate 😉 Honda should make a model called Road Rager.
3) I would like an old truck. The old metal kind. Like a 1940 truck, half-rusted and deep-bedded.
4) All my compassion are belong to you. If I had to cycle through a traffic circle, I would pick up my bike and jaywalk across a real street! lol
5) You’re so lucky!
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Hehehe! Road Rager! Hehehehe!
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Feeling you. Hating the stupid round features. But even without many there, please, imagine for a second driving in Rome. It’s like a vicious video game. A pilot-training one. I only drink it with pizza, but I need a beer immediately after landing each time. Need to write about that one day. Even though… all for love, eh? 😉
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Yes. Well I’ve seen videos of people driving around piazzas in Rome and I can honestly say, it must be more art than a skill. One must have great respect for life to drive in Rome, hm?
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Oh, yes, joy for life and a pilot licence. 🙂
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I read through the comments first to see if anyone guessed the car. Mercedes would have been my guess as well. Mostly because I met a lady who moved here from Carmel. She was as sweet as can be, but I did gather the area was affluent.
I’m not sure I’ve driven traffic circles as large as that. We did have one called Confusion Corner in Stuart,FL because of how its design. They were new to Roanoke when we moved here. Fours years later and some people still don’t know that they are supposed to yield to the cars already in the circle. If you almost crash into me….I am the type that will let you know 😉
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Standard traffic circles I’m okay with. We have one in the center of the city, and here and there. Lived off one in Georgia. But yeah, the ones with two lanes and eight branches are the death of my nerves!
I wouldn’t want to stereotype, because there are some splendid folks in Carmel, but there are stereotypical Carmel people for a reason 😉 It is affluent, and more than that, it’s relatively new — everything is still shiny.
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Shoo-doggies! I gotta lern ta write like that. Funny. A Beemer dreamer with a bun? LOL
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Thanks! Mercedes
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Ok, but they’re second-stringer ass-hats.
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Can’t help laughing imagining it all. We are smaller so only have 2 roundabouts but then they put in a fricken diamond!!! I hate those. I have the hang of it though. Didn’t see the point of putting it in being small. I think stop lights would have been sufficient. Luckily our roundabouts are single ones until you go on base and I really hate those double ones. Never fails, I’m in the wrong one and have to keep going around. lol. Good luck on yours. Can’t imagine having all those! 🙂
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Oh yes, we have diamonds, too. Not my favorite, nope nope, but not quite as scary as the BIG roundabouts.
I’m glad you can laugh with me! 🙂
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