Out for a Tuesday Drive

The Mister locked his keys in his car yesterday at work. My husband seems to do this more than other people, but not chronically. I went about twenty years between — both times in my own driveway, because I am very special.
Ironically, I have asked The Mister to carry the spare set of keys because I’m afraid this very thing will happen to me. But instead it happened to him.
He was not carrying the spare set, so I had to go to his work.

He works about 4381929 hyperbolic miles and 284932308 exaggerated traffic circles away — AND WEST.

I was not excited.

Since The Roundabout Incident last summer, I have been finding MORE traffic circles, and they are not my friends. I have been trying to adjust, but they are not my friends.

I remind you, I live in THE CIRCLE CITY and lived directly off a traffic circle for seven years. While I am not uncomfortable in every single traffic circle, many of these newfangled ones are gloriously filled with fuckery.

What’s in my brain while I drive through the newfangled traffic circles:

giphy

Screams. Just screams. Sometimes I vocalize them.

Do you know that feeling when you want to take a sedative so you can drive, but you can’t take a sedative because you hafta drive?!?

I clicked the address to his work and pressed Directions and then Go. Off I went, norther and norther and wester and wester still.
I needed to go north on Meridian, but one cannot exit the interstate and head north there. It’s part of the city’s new fuck-you-make-a-u-turn agenda. I was about to make this u-turn when navigation tried to send me east.
“Head east on 96th Street.”
“No.”
“Head east on 96th Street.”
“NO! That’s not right, Siri!”
(What, you don’t talk to your GPS?)
I turned her volume off and pulled into a parking lot. The meddling map app in my super-smart phone was obviously deluded. Do you know what it had done? At some point, it decided it was the time of day I go to work, so it altered the address to accommodate me. It was trying to send me to my job at go-to-job time. How fucking thoughtful.
I went back into The Mister’s text, clicked the address again. Directions. Go.
“Turn right onto Meridian Street.”
“Okay.”
After much traffic-circling I arrived. I gave him the spare set of keys.
He sure did look handsome, walkin out to my car. I thought, if i wasn’t married to him, i’d totally want soma that. His power over me is strong. so handsome i’d drive to carmel for you, baby.

The Mister and I discussed whether I should leave left or right. He suggested left, with fewer traffic circles. He reminded me “465 EAST.”
“Right.”
I typed in my work address, chose the left option, and headed out.

“Enter the traffic circle and take the second turn to US 31 South.”
“Okay.”
There was no sign for US 31 South and the second turn was Main St.
I took Main St.
But I could see US 31 South. AS I PASSED IT. I planned to turn around.
Siri had a similar opinion.
“Complete the traffic circle to change directions.”
“Right on.”

But then, some asshat tried to crash me in the roundabout! I was in the outer lane and he was on the inner lane and he exited in front of me.
“No car! No! Bad driver! Bad!”

BadDriver

joey doodle for marian

I fucking hate Carmel, and roundabouts, and asshats.
Fuckfaces, the lot of you!
In case you think I am exaggerating the frequency of roundabouts in Carmel…

map2

This photo says it’s the 100th roundabout. For a population of 86,000.

carmel_roundabout1
Heading west to US 31 South, there is a sign.
I exited as indicated.

Y’all, there is no sign for 465 EAST for miles. There is a sign for 465 SOUTH, and another, and another, and then finally, at the split, 465 EAST.
This is reason 904 why I think the signage in this city is terrible for out-of-towners.

I made it to work. Shaking. Visibly pallid and disturbed.
I talked to my boss about traffic circles, “Do you traffic circle well?” I asked. He assured me asshats people are not supposed to turn from the inside lane.
YA THINK!?

Leaving work, I stopped at the post office.
The post office has feathered parking. It’s ONE WAY.

post_office

Imagine my surprise when as I backed my car up to exit my parking space, some dickhead sped in, the wrong way, and parked beside me.

to-the-guy-in-the-car-behind-me-screaming-at-me-to-turn-at-a-red-light-when-there-is-clearly-a--sign-20944

“Safety First Motherfucker!” I screamed, but he didn’t hear me, cause I wasn’t louder than my soothing classical music set to full blast.

Bonus points are given to anyone who can guess the make of the asshole’s car. Extra bonus points if you knew he wore aviator sunglasses and boasted a man bun.

I’ll be takin the scenic route to work today. Closest I can get to a sedative.

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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98 Responses to Out for a Tuesday Drive

  1. Dan Antion says:

    I’m going to guess the car was nearly as special as the driver thought he was. When those things happen to me, I think back to the days I drove a big red truck that was enough that I didn’t care much about what happened. People didn’t mess with that truck. The Mrs drove it for a while. That might not have been a great idea. The Mister should get you a big truck for the circles 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. eschudel says:

    Roundabouts are the new black in our city. I just don’t get it…is there a traffic incident and road rage number quota they are not reaching??

    Liked by 1 person

  3. meANXIETYme says:

    I love how you talk about the Mister. LOL. And I’m glad you made it to your destination(s). I hate circles and I hate the asshats who can’t figure out circles. Fortunately, we only have a few here on my regular routes.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. orbthefirst says:

    Remind me to take a Valium before I get in the car with you. Ill have one for both of us. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  5. ghostmmnc says:

    Sounds horrible, those circles and directions going every which way. I’d probably never get on the road again! We used to have a circle here, but not any more. Mostly we have straight north/south, east/west roads over the whole city. Then, we don’t really need circles to have stupid drivers, as they cause plenty of trouble on the straight roads here. Glad you made it!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I agree with everything you said in this post, except west. I’m a westerner, and love west. We’ve just gotten a new traffic figure eight, because a circle wasn’t bad enough. I’ll register my guess for Manbun’s car as … Subaru.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jewels says:

    I hate those circles! We only have a few of them here that I’ve come across, but no one know wtf they’re doing. Was man-bun driving a Prius?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m glad I’m not the only one who dislikes roundabouts. There aren’t any in my town, but when I travel to a larger city to buy clothes or find entertainment I usually encounter one. Driving through them feels…so weird.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. lorriedeck says:

    I’m guessing a Prius. At least they seem to be the bane of my commuting nightmare. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  10. The clowns in charge here in Fort Collins are also in love with the round-abouts. Rumor has it we’re all getting one to replace our driveways.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ha,Ha, funny. What is so good about these roundabouts? We don’t have too many in my locale, thankfully, but I have seen them in other towns and they do intimidate me..like who has the right of way???? Is there a Carmel where you live, I don’t think you are talking about Carmel, California, which is a gorgeous place btw, and I don’t think Carmel, Ca. has a lot of roundabouts but not sure. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. You wouldn’t like driving in Sedona AZ then. It’s full of round-abouts. I missed an exit in one in Sedona and went around again saying, WEE, the scenic route! 🙂 I did notice a lot of tourist who didn’t “Get” how they work, and wouldn’t merge when they shoulda, or would merge too soon causing the car already in the circle with the right-away to slam on their brakes. I didn’t think they had round-abouts in their towns where they came from.

    I like them. I wish the city would eliminate the stops signs in my neighborhood and put in round abouts it would stop all those rude asses from running the stop signs, and from completely ignoring the who goes first rules, and hopefully they’d be less rude. Probably not, but one can hope!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I LEARNED to drive in Mexico City, with glorietas (as we call them at home) everywhere. Maybe you need to do that when you’re young, or you are never going to be completely comfortable with them. It’s true for swimming: adults who don’t learn as children can still learn, but apparently they don’t get quite as good at frolicking.

    Sorry. I like the darned things – they’ve installed a bunch in our county, and, once you learn to drive them (assuming you ever do), they do make traffic flow better (except in the case of the man? with the manbun you speak of, who should be removed from the planet, if Darwin doesn’t do it for the Darwin Award, or he has, horrors, already reproduced). There was ONE horrible three-way intersection with stop signs near the Princeton Junction train station that made everyone’s commute literally twice as long. Maybe they can provide special elevators for the cars of the panicked.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. JT Twissel says:

    A Beamer – definitely a Beamer! The roundabouts in England are definitely the worst cause everyone’s going the wrong way on the wrong side of the road!

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Benson says:

    Roundabouts are an affront to drivers everywhere. The only excuse for them is that the creators are suffering from genetic damage brought about by drug use among their parents. The only place they seem to work is Jamaica, and people drive scooters there. And are more than likely stoned. Geist has a fondness for roundabouts too and my son swears that they cut down traffic congestion. Of course they do. Fucking people stopped driving that part of 96th street because of them. As for your bonus question I would guess Prius, or some other hip hybrid. Stepping off soap box now. Hope your week is fun and happy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I LIKE your soapbox. It has not improved traffic congestion in Geist, they’re just congested in different places. I frickin hate them, Benson.
      This week is slow and painful. Hurry up and wait. But ah, the weekend’s out there somewhere!
      I hope your week is mo’ betta. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  16. John Holton says:

    Absolutely, a Beemer.

    This was a riot!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Susanne says:

    Classic Joey. Full of appropriately used inappropriate language which never fails to make me laugh especially when combined with traffic circles, hot husband, and man-bun fun. Great read though I am sorry for your stress at traffic circles.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Norm 2.0 says:

    I fricken hate roundabouts even more than locking my keys in the car.
    We can’t have roundabouts here on account of too many asshats.
    I’m guessing parking lot/man bun guy was driving either a Beamer, a Benz, or a Rover.
    am I right?
    am I right?
    am I right?
    😀

    Like

  19. Ok, at first I thought of BMW, but now I think it might be a VW. I don’t know models. You need to listen to the Some Beach song (I think Kenny Chesney) – then it would be a Mercedes-Benz.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Just to be different and to not add fuel to the “you-know-what”-about fire, let’s focus on the parking lot. “Feathered” is a new term for me. Totally appropriate.

    OK, I lied. I will add fuel to the fire.

    I once had to exit a roundabout… well, d’uh, otherwise I’d still BE there and not typing to you, right? Anyway, I more or less squeezed my eyes shut, gave ‘er the gas, and prayed to God to deliver me from the funhouse. Lucky for me God was listening and accommodating that day.

    Fortunately, they don’t know about the stupid things up here.

    Yet.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Basic traffic circles are fine. Some of these are FAR too complicated for me — too many lanes, someone creepin up on my left, people goin way too fast, rule-breakers. It’s supposed to slow people down, but I dunno that they’ve noticed. My screams hear your prayer, Maggie — thanks for chimin in 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  21. loisajay says:

    We don’t have circles. We have R-turn only lanes that people don’t know about until they realize they are in the wrong lane and wanna go straight through–no right turn. Gotta love those last minute “I need to be in the left lane” people. Sure, zoom right in front of me, buddy. Next time, read the damn traffic signs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I am familiar. We have a lot of those here, and also, much of the left lane as well. I think we’re much less good at signs in Indiana, though. If you dunno where you’re goin, it’s hard to follow the signage.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Roundabouts are great….if you’re in England–where they understand how they work. 🙄
    Most Americans don’t know what to do, because we’re not used to them. Glad you made it to help the Mister. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  23. larva225 says:

    😂😂😂😂 I haven’t read the others’ comments (spoiler alert!) but I’m thinking some kind of white VW.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Erika says:

    Good lord. The roundabout in the town over is roundabout like the one in your picture and there are NO SIGNS for what road you’re turning onto. My brain just cannot.

    And, man, people hating on Priuses.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. reocochran says:

    I see only trouble in roundabouts so I stop and wait! I get honked at a Lot! I finally go and pray for my safe trip around the roundabout.
    I was going to guess a minivan since I have been finding them rather irritating lately. I didn’t think socio-economics which really makes sense on the guesses and sorry it was a Mercedes! (No, I don’t own one. Just wished it was someone who banged into my car and wished they could read your lips and mine, too.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Haha! Yes, bang my car, Mr. Mercedes 😉 LOL
      Some of the traffic circles are fine, and some are a nightmare. I’m sorry you get honked at, but better honked than crashed! xo

      Like

  26. darsword says:

    I couldn’t decide to die laughing or in fear with this post! I do want to correct the assumption that Americans can’t figure them out. It is that one doesn’t know which is the street they really need to be over for.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Matt Roberts says:

    Oh boy. Ya know, I’ve gone my entire life without seeing roundabouts, except on TV when the show was in England. And I always thought, “those look stupid.” And then all of a sudden, just a couple years ago when I was delivering pizza in Mason, they were doing construction on an intersection. And it turned into a roundabout. And I was all, “this is fucking stupid.” But but, after that one, I ran into no less than a dozen. All over. There, Cincinnati, right down the street from me. They’re multiplying faster than cats in a trailer park. And I hate them all. All of them. And the people who use them. And the people who don’t use them. Everybody.

    Oh, and GPS… I started Ubering again, and they insist you use their GPS navigation. First time using it I started off going the wrong way, so I turned around and headed back. After I turned around, the GPS said I should make a U-turn even though the map was showing that I was now headed in the right direction. It told me to U-turn the entire trip. AND, it showed me on the map about a mile behind where I actually was. I missed turns. I hate Uber. And I hate GPS.

    And people.

    Liked by 2 people

  28. Jaded Jeni says:

    I was pallid and shaking just reading this. Just kidding, but I feel for your stressful situation. Or would that be SHITuation?

    Liked by 2 people

  29. NH has roundabouts and circles everywhere. It’s like they decided to save money on traffic lights by adding them. And, they are a traffic nightmare especially during tourist season. That car that pulled next to you – if it was here, it would be a MassHole. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      HAHAHA! MassHole 😛
      They are reportedly more cost-efficient. And they probably stimulate the economy for the comforts one needs after driving through 20 of them in an hour! Cupcakes, liquor, big pharma, whatever!

      Like

  30. marianallen says:

    Sadly funny. Or hilariously tragic. I love the term “feathered” for that kind of parking — it’s PERFECK! There were a couple of towns with roundabouts around their town squares between here and where two of our girls went to college. Once you’d circled three or four times, you were able to read the road signs and get into the correct lane. There were some in some suburbs of Louisville that also came with stop signs, and those were easy. The new ones are, as you say, just jam-packed with stellar amounts of fuckery. Directional arrows painted on the road don’t help much WHEN THEY’RE COVERED BY THE BODIES OF OTHER CARS, now do they? The horror! The horror!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      “Directional arrows painted on the road don’t help much WHEN THEY’RE COVERED BY THE BODIES OF OTHER CARS, now do they?”
      Marian, that comment is everything! If I ever write about traffic circles again, Imma quote you! Yes! Yes! Yes!

      Like

  31. Skipah says:

    Are shiny new roundabouts at US 62 and I-265 are an insurance adjustors wet dream. Every freaking day an accident happens there!

    Liked by 1 person

  32. I HATE roundabouts and we have got loads in the town where I live. I hate yours more because it took me a while to work out how they work being ‘the wrong way round!’ 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Joanne Sisco says:

    1) I’m trying not to be offended by all the people who said “Beemer”. Seriously … you’ve never even been in a car with me. I’M. NOT. THAT. BAD.
    2) I thought bad Mercedes drivers were a Toronto thing. Apparently I’m learning it’s a Mercedes thing.
    3) I like the idea of driving a really big truck. I would challenge any loser trying to muscle into my lane … including the cab driver I encountered earlier this afternoon in the pouring rain who aggressively tried to take over my lane while I was still occupying it.
    4) If you think driving traffic circles is bad, try navigating one on a bicycle. It’s a miracle I’m still alive.
    5) I like traffic circles. Maybe it’s because we don’t have any.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      1) I know it’s not nice to label people by their car makes, but some people really believe their cars make them special-er than other people in other cars.
      2) It’s also a Honda thing. People who drive Hondas tailgate 😉 Honda should make a model called Road Rager.
      3) I would like an old truck. The old metal kind. Like a 1940 truck, half-rusted and deep-bedded.
      4) All my compassion are belong to you. If I had to cycle through a traffic circle, I would pick up my bike and jaywalk across a real street! lol
      5) You’re so lucky!

      Like

  34. Feeling you. Hating the stupid round features. But even without many there, please, imagine for a second driving in Rome. It’s like a vicious video game. A pilot-training one. I only drink it with pizza, but I need a beer immediately after landing each time. Need to write about that one day. Even though… all for love, eh? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  35. I read through the comments first to see if anyone guessed the car. Mercedes would have been my guess as well. Mostly because I met a lady who moved here from Carmel. She was as sweet as can be, but I did gather the area was affluent.
    I’m not sure I’ve driven traffic circles as large as that. We did have one called Confusion Corner in Stuart,FL because of how its design. They were new to Roanoke when we moved here. Fours years later and some people still don’t know that they are supposed to yield to the cars already in the circle. If you almost crash into me….I am the type that will let you know 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Standard traffic circles I’m okay with. We have one in the center of the city, and here and there. Lived off one in Georgia. But yeah, the ones with two lanes and eight branches are the death of my nerves!
      I wouldn’t want to stereotype, because there are some splendid folks in Carmel, but there are stereotypical Carmel people for a reason 😉 It is affluent, and more than that, it’s relatively new — everything is still shiny.

      Liked by 1 person

  36. pluviolover says:

    Shoo-doggies! I gotta lern ta write like that. Funny. A Beemer dreamer with a bun? LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  37. Can’t help laughing imagining it all. We are smaller so only have 2 roundabouts but then they put in a fricken diamond!!! I hate those. I have the hang of it though. Didn’t see the point of putting it in being small. I think stop lights would have been sufficient. Luckily our roundabouts are single ones until you go on base and I really hate those double ones. Never fails, I’m in the wrong one and have to keep going around. lol. Good luck on yours. Can’t imagine having all those! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Oh yes, we have diamonds, too. Not my favorite, nope nope, but not quite as scary as the BIG roundabouts.
      I’m glad you can laugh with me! 🙂

      Like

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