Y’all know I’ve gotten into the habit of makin you laugh on Fridays, and today is no different. I insist you laugh at my expense.
In an exciting turn of events, I was asked if I’d be willing to work longer hours yesterday and today and so of course I am, because like I said, I love my job.
Early in the morning, I noticed my hair was well-behaved, and I hoped the printer would follow suit.
Work was fiiine.
Because The Mister and I work on the same side of town, per se, I decided we could meet for lunch. Ooh! So exciting! You know what else? There’s a Panda Express right close to his office, and I am currently obsessing about Black Pepper Chicken at Pandaspress. Not even kiddin. Monday I Googled a copycat recipe and I cooked it up real good and oh the noms!
Mmhm, I cook better than Pandaspress…
Anyway, to meet The Mister at Pandaspress I went.
Now, I had asked him, “How far north are you? Should I just take Keystone to 126th? 136th? 146th?”
He said, “Take the interstate.”
I said, “I don’t like the interstate over there. It’s west. That’s west. I don’t even know which side the ramp is on.”
He said, “Take the interstate. Otherwise it’s windy-dindy.”
I do hate windy-dindy.
But did I listen? No. Because it shouldn’t be that hard to get over there, it should take like 15 minutes of west and north. We live on a grid, how windy-dindy could it be?
JFC. I almost died.
For some insane reason The City of Carmel has installed roundabouts everyfuckingwhere! I’m not afraid of roundabouts. I live in The Circle City. The center of Indianapolis is literally a fucking circle. Monument Circle. Truly.
For seven years, I lived directly off a roundabout.
But these were two-lane roundabouts and I mean to tell you, they were unending. I was constantly yielding! It was virtually never my turn! I swear to you, one of them wasn’t even a roundabout! It was missing parts and its signage looked like algebra letters to me.
“I don’t even know what that was. Coulda been a hex.”
When I left the safety of my square parking lot I did not know I would need to pray for traveling mercies. Because I didn’t know that, my trip brought me closer to God than I had expected. Hence all the beautiful blasphemy.
It was all too math-y and spatial and I was like, “Highest taxes ever up here and they don’t have money for stoplights?” JFC.
It’s very pretty there, in Carmel. It’s a lovely place, built on money and more money, but I’ll keep my dirty city streets with the right angles, thanks. Maybe I don’t want Russian sage and daylilies in my medians, okay?
I felt like I was trapped in a joke.
Drive straight one block, spend five minutes in a roundabout. On repeat.
“Another one? Seriously?”
“No, no more! Why is this happening to me?! I’m a good person, I don’t deserve this!”
“Oh my God, I’m going to die. I’m going to die on my way to lunch and I will never get those documents scanned and people will be like ‘it was the pepper chicken passion that did her in’ and I’m not even wearin comfortable shoes!”
I used to work there, not that I could tell you where anymore. I hadn’t driven up there in twenty years and I didn’t recognize a single bit of it. How old people do, I will tell you I THINK MOST OF THAT WAS FARMLAND!
Eventually, I made it. I parked and waited for the adrenaline to die down.
Then I met my love and we ordered food and he paid.
He introduced me to a colleague and as I extended my hand, she said, “I don’t know if I should shake your hand or hug you.”
“Oh? Why’s that?”
“Me,” The Mister explained.
“You poor thing,” she said.
“Oh yes, I get that a lot. It’s alright. I’m actually the mean one.”
For some reason things got awkward there for a moment.
But there was pepper chicken…
I killed it.
And a Coke the size of my head.
Took me all afternoon to kill that, but I think that makes the caffeine work better, right? Like time-release soda.
Then came the fortune cookies.
If you’re unfamiliar with how this works, basically, I always get the shitty fortunes and The Mister’s fortune cookies dazzle him with fabulosity. I’ve posted about this before.
Examples of Mine:
“She who irons today has time to mend tomorrow.”
“Why you no eat meat in lo mein?”
“Flies never visit an egg that has no crack.”
“That’s enough dumplings for you.”
“Too much wood.”
Examples of His:
“You’re so handsome!”
“Your wife so lucky!”
“Kill one to warn a hundred.”
“You are destined for greatness!”
“Your dick is the biggest!”
This is as neverending as the roundabouts.
My fortune was:
Hell. I’m going to Hell. Sunshine? Sunshine?!? Are you fuckin kiddin me?!?
THE MISTER GOT TWO! TWO IN ONE COOKIE!
Yeah. That’s how it goes.
Going back to work, I went through another series of roundabouts and I decided that I should dine no farther north than 96th Street. And that when my husband says I should take the interstate, I should take the interstate.
Happy Friday Everyone!