Let’s Bitch About Tuesday

If y’all are sick of all my gratitude and happiness… Ew.
If you have to read one more post about my brilliant, hysterical children… Gag.
More matrimonial bliss… Puke.

NOT TODAY!

Life is all about balance, so let’s bitch.

4f627d8c20661f18667c964a75cbaada6b041ed5

We’re runnin the heat in May. You know I don’t mind these temperatures, but it IS May. With the cool weather and the rain, I’m havin flashbacks to last May when it was too wet to till and the initial planting all washed out.

There was a municipal car parked on my street for about 30 minutes the other day. When I left, I overheard one of my neighbors talkin to the driver — and it was about the height of grasses! Well! I’ll have you know, our grass was the shortest on the block as The Mister had just cut it the night before in what turned out to be a few dry hours. But it is not right to ticket lawns when it had stormed for four days and there wasn’t a sunny day in sight. That’s just playin dirty. People still hadn’t even cleaned up the debris, let alone mowed. The only reason The Mister had done ours was because his riding lawn mower had arrived and he wanted to drive it all over. He might have done that in a lightnin storm, you know how men do.

The other day I had to turn around because the HIGH WATER sign was floating. Ducks swam around trees.

All this unholy rain means Broad Ripple has been flooded. I should be more concerned about property damage for those who live there, but really, I’m just pissy because my Target is over there, and my Target is where the goat cheese pizza is, and I could not safely travel to my goat cheese pizza, and we ate the last one Wednesday, and when I finally went there Saturday, they were SOLD OUT. FML.
Don’t you dare laugh at how I stock up. I went a few weeks without stockin up and look what happened!!!
Stop eating the goat cheese pizza! Target sells that for ME. Y’all need to stick to your meat crap.

IMG_3071

Speaking of meat crap, I recently devoured a ten ounce prime rib like it was my job. I hadn’t done that since I carried Sassy. I worried briefly over whether I’d gotten pregnant, but it turns out I needed to store up iron for another installment of reverse puberty exsanguination. I literally do not understand how I am still alive. I am a miracle.

24c32510-f8a5-0131-6dae-0aa0f90d87b4

I wore Spanx tights over the weekend. Do Not Recommend.
I have other Spanx items because every now and again, I like to spend ten minutes doing the self-loathing interpretive dance of women who eat too much ice cream but still deserve to look good in white pants or a jersey knit dress cut on the bias. Those tights, though… My ovaries held their breath. I didn’t need the tension, I only bought them because they were on sale a dollar cheaper than my regular brand and they were reversible — navy on one side, black on the other. What a practical, thrifty gal, hm?
Over the course of the evening, the tights slowly rolled down to low rise, and let’s just say it was good I wore a peasant dress. My navel was cold anyway; I’da been better off with some knee-high socks.
I bought the right size. I’m a D. D is like, “You cute, but too short and chubby to get a better grade.” And now itty bitty Moomy has a new pair of reversible tights. Long may her ovaries breathe.

I got sunburn in the part of my hair. You have never really lived until your head is sore for unknown reasons. Clearly this is fatal. Prolly a brain lesion. Losin yer hairs to a disease that will be named after you. Damn sunshine. Damn anxiety disorder.

Fear almost as bad as when your kid hits her head on a lead pipe in the laundry room and you hafta watch her like a hawk, so you can’t sleep and creep in to check her breathing and poke her face while she sleeps. Damn motherhood. Damn anxiety disorder.

My lip is lookin normalish and havin one red spot on it which apparently only I can see, but it hasn’t stopped tingling. It’s dying to break back out and ooze, I can feel it. I continue to balm the fuck out of it and pop Lysine like a junkie.
Spent about ten minutes last night havin a panic over the other side of my lip. I was dying of the thought that the herpes had spread before remembering — It’s a fuckin papercut. Damn envelopes. Damn anxiety disorder.

It’s raining again. Thunderstorms are due at rush hour.

IMG_3073

How’s your Tuesday? Got a buncha stuff to bitch about?

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
This entry was posted in Personally and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

113 Responses to Let’s Bitch About Tuesday

  1. lorriedeck says:

    Sometimes there’s nothing better than a great bitch session.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My goodness! You had a lot accumulated to let out.

    I’m only trying to break back into writing fiction after being held hostage by my body since the beginning of November of last year, and fighting the fear that the damage is permanent and I will never write another book.

    Other than that, I’m good.

    Fear is a great motivator, but do I have to face it TODAY?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Forgot: also, fighting the fear I’ll never SELL another copy of the first and only one so far.

      Because, this marketing thing, apparently I’m doing it ALL WRONG, and it’s a miracle I’m anywhere to be found on Amazon with those numbers.

      And the wild strawberries keep trying to invade the perennial beds. I sure yanked a lot of them out yesterday – let that be a lesson to the little creepers.

      Liked by 2 people

      • joey says:

        Wild strawberries do not invade here and are therefore gently picked and then eaten with some cream. Or, sometimes eaten before they make it out of the gate 😉
        I know nothing about marketing books.
        YOU GUYS! ALICIA HAS A BOOK!
        That’s marketing, yeah?

        Liked by 3 people

        • Wild strawberries don’t get to the ripe point around here, and they’re TINY.

          Now I just have to get a million people to repeat that. Two million, actually. I want to rival Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch, except that I have a plot and characters I think people will like a lot better. (Never turn down a free marketing slot – or you’ll never go viral.)

          It’s in KU – and electronic review copies are available for the asking, review optional.

          Thanks for the plug!

          Liked by 2 people

          • joey says:

            Oh my goodness, I didn’t like The Goldfinch! I even disliked it so much I wrote about it, lol!

            Like

            • The fact that you TRIED it makes you my intended audience. That you didn’t like it is just gravy. Could I even persuade you to read some of PC’s reviews?

              ‘Literary’ does not have to mean navel-gazing, unreadable, plotless, enamored of its own language.

              NB: I did NOT read The Goldfinch, but I did read a lot of its reviews, especially from those who were not satisfied, to see what it was they disliked.

              Liked by 1 person

            • I loved your post on it.

              I have friends on GR who were kind enough to try, but then said it wasn’t their thing. We are still friends. I have friends who don’t even read. And ones who like what I write.

              But ones who TRIED GF and didn’t like it, now, those are ones I’d love to have try my different version of how a complicated book should be written. Regardless of the outcome.

              Liked by 1 person

              • joey says:

                Thanks.
                I have a lot of friends who loved it, too. When I finished it, I wanted my hours back.

                Like

                • That’s the worst possible effect a long book can have. But didn’t you suspect it wasn’t your kind of book as you read?

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • joey says:

                    I did. However… You know how you have reading friends? ALL of my reading friends liked it. So I kept on.

                    Like

                    • Ah. Peer pressure. Peer encouragement?

                      I understood it was widely bought – and not finished, but that was anecdotal.

                      I do love the negative reviews on Amazon, and suspect I would have written one of them had I attempted to plow through.

                      Amazon has forced me into the ‘literary’ category, but I’m comfortable there, and stay on the end of the literary spectrum where story is paramount, characters and plot REQUIRED, and language is not allowed to interfere with STORY – but is held to high standards.

                      My best compliment came from a reviewer who called it ‘literary but not pretentious.’ Phew!

                      And now I’m drooling at the thought of your reading friends. I’m pretty isolated, and don’t have the energy for discussing what I’m reading with friends, and that annoys the heck out of me.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • joey says:

                      Literary but not pretentious is an awesome compliment!
                      Oh that is sad about reading friends. Yeah, I have my mother and a few friends who read like me and talk about books. I’d love to join a book club, but that’s not happening. All my book friends are far friends.

                      Like

                    • Too Late, on my blog under free fiction, is the bite-size appetizer – I’m putting it out as a short story prequel to Pride’s Children as soon as I have any energy at all. Everything is ready – cover & content – except me.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • joey says:

                      Progress is progress!

                      Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Facing fear on a Tuesday is out of my comfort zone. Only the strongest and bravest go beyond Tuesday’s minimum requirements.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. meANXIETYme says:

    You can totally have ALL my goat cheese pizza from Target or anywhere else. ALL OF IT.

    Shortly after we moved into our new neighborhood, we were doing fantastic with the mowing. Then our brand new riding mower broke, and we went like 2 weeks without mowing, and like it rained almost every other day of those two weeks, so our front pasture-like area grew like a mo’fo. The day before our BRAND NEW mower was due to be returned to us–repaired–we got a letter from the county. Someone reported us to the county (we know who it was and she was a bitch and she TOOK her dogs across the street to poop in our yard and threw trash in our yard, I have a picture of it!) for the high grass. I called the county and spoke to the sender, who said they don’t actually DO anything except send a warning letter. She said they had to send the letter because of the “anonymous” complaint, but they’ve never actually fined anyone or put a lien on the property or anysuch other nonsense. Happy to report after the “anonymous” neighbor saw us taking pictures of her in our front yard, she ceased crossing the street with her dogs and her trash and a few years ago she moved out. 🙂

    I’m sorry for your ovaries. I’ve used the spanx-style-stuff in the past and it always rolls down so I gave up on it and just show my own damn rolls. 🙂

    I’m also really sorry for your anxiety because health anxiety sucks the big one. It’s like it knows you already feel like shit and then it shits all over you on top of that. Hope it backs off soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I had thought our former neighbors were narcs, but it seems that this is just a thing the city does. I don’t know if they actually ticket, either. I know they issue warnings for tickets. I am glad you sought fair-play revenge on your bitch neighbor and even happier that she moved! The gall of some people!
      The health anxiety is the worst, as you know, because I feel like it happens when things are otherwise going well. Like anxiety disorder is behind me, sayin, “Oh, you think you can rest easy a bit? HAHAHAHA!” Thank you.
      These ovaries, ugh. I gave them a good run, you’d think they could do me the honor of shrivelin up in peace.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. pluviolover says:

    Don’t get me started. I’d need wine with my whine.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. orbthefirst says:

    Well.
    I could get into the three paragraphs I had written here, but…

    yea.

    Long live her breathing ovaries!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Joanne Sisco says:

    Bitchin’ Tuesday should be a permanent ‘thing’. There’s nothing like a good rant to re-balance the universe.
    … but I have absolutely nothing to bitch about. I blame the 2 large vases of yellow tulips sitting on my dining room table – also known as my ‘office’. It’s hard to feel bitchy with happy sunshine staring at me 🙂

    Maybe I could bitch about having no Target stores so that I could buy goat’s cheese pizza too. It looks wonderful!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Benson says:

    I honestly can not not think of anything to bitch about. If I did I would probably job it out to you. You do it so well. I am honored to know someone who is dying from some unknown disease. When they name it will they use Joey or Mottern? I think Mottern Malady has a nice ring to it. I try to avoid The Ripple when it rains. With the standing water and falling trees I try to stay South of 49th street. I hope you get your pizza soon. I know all about cravings. I for one never tire of reading your grateful posts. I like happy families. Hope your Wednesday is better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thank you.
      I don’t know, it’d probably be the Jolene Mottern disease and then people wouldn’t be able to pronounce it and they’d be all, “Joelle Motorin disease” … Mottern Malady is pretty nice. If I die of whateverness, be sure to mention that.
      The Ripple is dangerous in the rains! Once — never again!
      I deeply appreciate that you like reading about happy families 😀
      Wednesday will kick Tuesday’s ass.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Yeah, we have us some lawn Nazis out here, too. They like to rat out just about anyone…anonymously, of course. Gutless cowards. And I have a friend in Brownsburg who’s been posting pics of ducks swimming in his front yard. Enjoy it, cause soon enough everyone will be whining that “we need the moisture.” Can’t win!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I think our water table is full, ferreal. But you’re right, a drought this summer could mess it all up.
      Gutless cowards — who ARE these people? Don’t they have jobs?

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I would never laugh at your stocking up practices, but I admit I laughed reading this entire post. Moomy has new tights that are reversible – how sweet. Someday she may pay you back for them. I love the picture of the flower. Can’t decide if I want you to have the sunshine back or not, how about a warmish, cloudy but dry day.
    Thanks for making me feel as though I am not alone in this crazy world.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Well I do have some stuff to bitch about on a Tuesday. And it has to do with grass too! Today, somebody walked right up my driveway and proceeded to steal my push lawnmower from beside my garage door. I happened to walk into the living room to grab my coat and saw them at the bottom of the driveway almost to their truck. Couldn’t get their plates. Worked through some venting on my IG story. Damn Tuesday! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Dan Antion says:

    I’m not going to join you on complaints about the weather. I don’t want to piss it off more than it seems to be. I would agree that you are a miracle. That’s what keeps me coming back 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Yeah, over here it snowed today!!!! In May!!!! So much for spring… still waiting! I love complaining 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ooooh, doesn’t it feel good to have a bitch, sometimes! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. After reading this? Nope. Nothing to bitch about at all!! Rain? Yup. Still getting it here. My husband managed to find enough time to mow the lawn yesterday so that the clippings went out today and won’t sit around all week stinking up the garage. Didn’t have to resort to renting a few sheep or using a scythe while dropping bread crumbs so we could get back to the house, so that’s all good, too. I would like a slice of that pizza, though. Not, I hasten to add, that I’ve ever bought any of it from Target and now I’ll just suggest that my Target send it directly to your Target in which case Tuesday will never be the same. 🙂

    janet

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Haha!
      Thanks for the goat cheese pizza gesture, I’d appreciate that.
      Glad your husband got a shot at the grass and I’m glad you didn’t hafta rent sheep or scythers! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. rgemom says:

    Bitching is SO good for the soul. Serious.
    Over here – my herd keeps insisting they have dinner. Every. Damn. Night. My house got cleaned yesterday (Yeah, I’m one of those people who pays someone twice a month to come scour us out), and it lasted for all of 18 minutes once the kids got home. Big Man, the week after losing his truck privileges for not doing homework, failed to finish and hand in five more homework assignments. fml. So now he’s lost his truck privileges for two more weeks. What is this goat cheese pizza from Target you speak of? Hmmm…..going to have to research when I’m there next. And even in CA, heaters are on this week. And rain…oy…no flooding, but we have had two solid days, with another possible tomorrow. I’m cold.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Seriously, the goat cheese pizza is the best $5 purchase a mom can make. Especially when the spawn insist on eating EVERY.SINGLE.DAY! Teens can bake pizzas. And clean up paper plates. You should get you some and add that to your cleaning lady day. THAT would be good for the soul, too 😉
      I dunno what’s up with truck kid — spring fever much? — but he’d better snap out of it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • rgemom says:

        Ahhhhh….yes, teens who can cook pizzas! Definitely adding that pizza to the list, cuz goodness knows the last thing I want to do on house-gets-cleaned day is mess it up by cooking a big dinner. Truck kid is a teenage boy – read “not always super smart”. Fool thought I was going to pick him up from school. Hah!

        Liked by 1 person

  16. You of course don’t need me to tell you the name of that pretty flower heading up this post. But I will let you know that it is a PERFECT illustration. Perfect.

    Keep an eye on that exsanguination thing – it just about killed me. Literally.

    And, WTF? They have lawn police in your burb?

    Liked by 1 person

  17. loisajay says:

    Oh, this felt good! I love the Spanx thing…..yeah, tried those on once. No, no, no……!!

    Like

  18. Susanne says:

    You took all of the words right out of my mouth. That made me a happy bitch. Gosh, seriously, though, you are a funny woman when you bitch, Joey.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. JoAnna says:

    I had stuff to bitch about, but now I’ve forgotten what it was, and I’m not going to try too hard to remember because I’m sure it will come back on it’s own. But thank you for distracting me for a while.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. bikerchick57 says:

    “It’s a f*ckin paper cut…” Out of everything you wrote, Joey, that set me to LOL! My only other comment is about SPANX. I tried them on once and thought I was going to suffocate and die. Just no. Not ever.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      LOL! Well, you know, some of the other Spanx things are worth it to me on occasion, but those tights are a big NOWA!

      I’m glad the papercut cracked you up! It did me, too, when I remembered 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Erika says:

    My husband would be getting fined left and right if they did that out here. The next town over was on the news for fining an 80-year-old woman over her grass length. Lord.

    I’ll bitch about not sleeping much this past week. I am seriously dragging and am not wanting to do the household things that need to be done.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      That ain’t right, either. People livin on fixed incomes can’t afford to have someone out to mow every time the grass is 8″ high. Pity’s sake. People have no shame.

      You’re right to bitch about your lack of sleep! I did that last week. PLUS, I ate all the sugar and barked at everyone. Be kind to yourself. You have to take it easy when you can.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. We had a light frost Monday morning, plus I’ve been turning on our heated mattress pad before bed. And, I’m sure the sheep are annoyed, especially since we just sheared all their wool off last week. This weather is crazy! 🙄
    I also love goat cheese pizza. So, I feel your pain. I hope the rest of your week is better! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I always have something to bitch about, but never have the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Jaded Jeni says:

    Mmm… goat cheese pizza. I can almost taste it…
    Boo, hiss @ all those plebeian mfers who bought YOUR pizza. Assholes.
    *Shrieks* Papercut on the lip? I would die. Srs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      It really hurt at the time, and then it must have healed partially, cause I forgot about it until I ate. I spend about the first 30 minutes of my shift doing mail, so it happens a couple of times a month. Owie. Mhm.
      I know! Can you believe other people buy my pizza?!?

      Liked by 1 person

  25. Christy B says:

    A paper cut on the lips? I don’t think I’ve every had one there – usually it’s all over my hands instead, lol. Now I want pizza!!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Matt Roberts says:

    I can’t possibly tell you enough how much you make me laugh. Even at the height of your bitchiness. I’m sorry you had to go through all that. But I’m not, cause laughing.

    Oh, when Jen and I were living in Silverton, which is a shit town if there ever was one, we were yelled at by the local municipality people over the length of our grass once too. And you know what? It was after a week of solid rain. Like, come on people, give us a chance to cut it. Damn. They threatened to bring their people out to cut it and charge us for the labor. I was like no problem, but uh, are they going to wait for a sunny day to do it? Surprise, so am I, fuckers.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. larva225 says:

    ” Reverse puberty exsanguination” is the best thing I’ve heard in at least a week. Glob, I hate it. Mine is due soon, no doubt because I’m going to the beach. Just call me chumburger.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Yeah, I got somethin’ to bitch about. I’m in California…you know land of gorgeous people, movie stars, and sunshine. I see a lot of pretty people, have seen only two movie stars in my life living here, well maybe not movie stars. One was a Soap Opera actor from Young and Restless, and Elvira. She’s probably a movie star she made a movie, and where is the sunshine?! It’s nearly the middle of May it’s gray, cold, and so windy! I’m here running my central heat that never seems to get my house warm enough so, I have the space heater blasting on HI right in front of me all. day. long! The electricity bill is atrocious!

    I am so ready for warm, sunny days!

    Hope your lip doesn’t break out, and you get some warm, sunny days soon too!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thanks. More rain overnight. It’s gray now.
      Believe it or not, we had to turn the air on to sleep last night, as it got up to 84 yesterday. But, high today is 70, and it’s definitely cloudy.
      May here is often as weird as April, but out there in SUNNY CALIFORNIA, it sure doesn’t seem right that you’re freezin. I hope YOU get some sun and warmth!

      Liked by 1 person

      • 🙂 Actually where I am in San Francisco Bay Area summers are often cold, very cloudy, and overcast in the morning, and mostly chilly in the evenings, and it’s bloody cold in San Francisco!
        It’s rained on my Birthday( which is tomorrow) and spoiled more than one outdoor party. Tomorrow it says it will be sunny! I hope the weatherman is right! Though I’ll not be having a party. Just a quiet dinner out with the family. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  29. You’re so funny, I’m glad I discovered your blog. By the way, do they sell reversible tights in the UK too? I’d love to cut down on washing…

    Liked by 1 person

  30. John Holton says:

    You thinking you had a brain lesion because the part in your hair was sunburnt reminds me of Mom thinking she had a brain tumor when she needed bifocals…

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Alice says:

    Spanx are the sign that proves to me the Devil exists. The Devil exists, and she is a woman…one of those women who hates other women, so she’s always faux-smiling and throwing shade behind your back.

    “Oh sweetie, of COURSE you can have the butt of your dreams! I’ve got just the thing…”

    Like

  32. marianallen says:

    I’m bitchin’ late because my interwebs have been so slllowwwwww, I couldn’t run the mail reader AND the browser at the same time, or open more than one tab without everything freezing up. I THINK the problem was too much shit parked on my computer, and I cleared some precious files that I haven’t used for fortyleven years and now it’s some faster, but now I’ll discover I desperately NEED those files and POOF they’re gone. But I misseded you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I misseded you too! Puter trouble is so heinous, you have all my sympathies!
      Do you maybe need an external hard drive, so you can access stuff, but free-up space? Good luck. :S

      Like

  33. Nancy says:

    Had a sinus headache that made me feel like my brain was exploding but your week sounds a lot worse!! Hope the bitch session help and I hope it’s okay if maybe I had a few giggle snorts at your expensed…🙃

    Liked by 1 person

  34. kirizar says:

    Oh My GOD! How did you put it? Reverse puberty exsanguination? Holy crap…then you follow it with the best meme ever? From now on, crime scene in my pants is how I’m describing my special days.
    People will ask, “How ya doing?” And I’ll be all, “You know, CSI-ing the shit outta my granny panties!”

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Skipah says:

    Is this some bullshit neighborhood HSA writing tickets or the city? Hell back then it was a minimum of 25 inches of rain a week!

    Liked by 1 person

Tell me about it:

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s