Wet & Wasted

Posted on May 4, 2018 by joey

So I had this job interview a while back. Let’s call the company Colossal.

I put on my stupid suit. All suits are stupid. I am not a suit person. Do I look good in a suit? Fuck yeah. Right up to the part where I begin walking like I’m armored. I can feel every seam. All those layers of fabric, fake pockets… Are there people who actually button that button? Boob suit. Suit boob. Whatever. Seriously, can we not do better here? I’m uptight, but not uptight enough for suits.

But wait, there’s more! It was raining cats and dogs. Oh yeah. I love the rain. I do. I love to be damp and mildly achy, because I feel my most vibrant when it rains and snows. I get charged by it.
NOT IN A SUIT.
NOT WHEN I DRIVE.
Not with smooth, straight, silicone-polished hair.
Not with shiny shoes.

Umbrellas cannot stop wet feet. Umbrellas cannot stop the hair from growing bigger and bigger and curlier and curlier.
Oy.

Y’all know it was a Tuesday, right?!?

I found my way there, parked in a garage with a sign advertising Colossal Parking Here! Public Parking Here! Daily Event Parking! Yay!

Parking garages are not my favorite. Do you even watch crime dramas?

My umbrella got hooked on the seat adjuster dooji, then I dropped my keys on the icky parking garage floor, and when I picked those up, my glasses fell off my face and landed between the seat and the door frame, and on the way up I hit my forehead on the pokey end of the umbrella. Oh did that smart. Hair all in my face, waving proudly in mockery. Smoothed that out, hair in my mouth, “Pthla Pthla Pthla!” Adjusted my jacket, strapped the bag across my chest. Just typical Joey stuff, but in a suit.

Took a couple of photos for Dan. Train and crane in the rain. Caught that crane both ways.

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Went through a door, down the stairs, and down, down, down.

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Walk, walk, walk. It seemed I’d chosen the closest, most convenient location, I’m not kiddin, until I couldn’t find the freakin door on Colossal. All the doors were for employees of Colossal and I didn’t have the magic badge. Event parking, my ass. Daily parking, my ass.
My pant legs were all wet. My feet were all wet. My hair was growing. I was unhappy and anxious.
You know what helps anxiety? A literal dark tunnel to match the one in your head.

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Finally made it out, still, no magic badge, no visitor doors.
Saw an employee of Colossal exit the special doors.
“Sir? Can you direct me to the visitor’s entrance?”
Sir was called Zach and he was very helpful. He had security buzz me in, I got a visitor’s pass and a seat in the lobby.

Thirty minutes passed before Zach called me to my interview. How likely was that? In a colossal company in the colossal building, Helpful Sir Zach interviewed me. The interview was a waste our time, as our schedules didn’t mesh. Zach and I apologized to one another about ten times as he walked me back to security where I turned in my visitor’s pass and we apologized to one another ten more times. I walked and walked and walked and then —

All the doors I came out of were magic doors! I was able to park and get to Colossal, but I couldn’t get back to my car! I tried not to panic. The first step in trying not to panic is to panic, and then to tell yourself not to panic — this is simultaneous so as to overwhelm. The second step is to breathe. The third step is to ask for help. I pried my reptilian eyes from their tunnel and sought another human. No humans!

omg omg omg i will walk to the street and if need be, i will walk illegally up all the ramps i drove on and i will get in my car and i will leave. i will leave. they can’t make me stay here. they can’t just keep my car. it’s gonna be okay. it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay. it’s not a trap. you’re free. breathe the air. deep breaths. no, slow, shallow breaths, cause rubber and oil and smoke.

Walk, walk, walk.
my feet hurt
Walk, walk, walk.

A car stopped in the driving lane of the parking garage and a man got out. He had a stride like The Mister and wore a coat with some sort of emblem. aha!
“Sir? Are you security?”
He turned, “I work for the sheriff’s department.”
“Oh good! I can’t get back to my car. I parked, I went to Colossal and all these doors are personnel entry only.”
He walked me out to the street, near the stairwell. The stairwell was locked. He said he would go inside and open it. And he did! Though I was far from my car, I’d gained access and I thanked him and we wished one another a nice day and the tunnel vision started to clear.

Climb, climb, climb, climb, walk, walk, walk.

omg i just wanna get in my car.

Walk, walk, walk. I walked half the alphabet, because I parked in B. B is for Bonnie Blue.

My car! MY CAR!

Pulled up to the parking garage attendant, handed him my ticket and he said, “What’s goin on? You payin cash or what?”
Well that’s interesting, isn’t it? Try that at your work. Sit down in your meeting and be like, “You payin cash or what?”
I paid him cash and drove on. I did not take the long way home.

When I got home, I took off my shoes and jacket, rolled up my pants, and walked barefoot to my house, leashed my dog, and waded through every single cold puddle on my patio. Wet and wasted, with big hair and a genuine smile.

All’s well that ends well.

Happy Friday Everyone! 

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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56 Responses to Wet & Wasted

  1. ghostmmnc says:
    May 4, 2018 at 8:08 PM

    What a crazy experience! All that walking, and no access doors, and that tunnel & garage looks spooky! Yay you made it out of there, and back home. 🙂 Happy Friday! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      May 4, 2018 at 10:32 PM

      Thanks! It really was treacherous. I couldn’t wait to be home. I recently spoke to someone else who had a similar experience after parking in there on a Saturday afternoon — He really did have to walk up all the ramps!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. loisajay says:
    May 4, 2018 at 8:12 PM

    So glad you did not take that job. A suit?? Pants to work every day ’cause we have a super relaxed dress code. I itched and felt my hair grow right there with you Joey. The cranes….I thought ‘Dan’ right away. I laughed! Happy ending for sure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      May 4, 2018 at 10:35 PM

      Thank you! I’m glad sad you could feel with me!
      Availability from 8am to 8pm with rotating shifts does NOT work for me. That’s not my idea of ‘flex time.’
      Where I work is business casual and my suit looks fantastic in my closet!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. circadianreflections says:
    May 4, 2018 at 8:13 PM

    What an experience and weird set up for visitors. I’m so glad you finally saw humans and got in, and out!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. eschudel says:
    May 4, 2018 at 8:30 PM

    At least you came out of it with a great story to tell us!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pistachios says:
    May 4, 2018 at 9:20 PM

    Of course it was a Tuesday too! That was good you still thought to take all those photos even in your rattled state – the place doesn’t look pleasant at all.. What a sigh of relief though when you got home! I do like happy endings 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      May 4, 2018 at 10:37 PM

      You KNEW it was a Tuesday, right? 🙂
      I find that taking photos is good for anxiety. It makes me focus on my surroundings instead of taking flight. It was such a happy ending!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Carrie Rubin says:
    May 4, 2018 at 9:38 PM

    It sounds like the makings of a bad dream. Sorry you had to live it. 😕

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Alicia Butcher Ehrhardt says:
    May 4, 2018 at 10:16 PM

    Write the thriller! You have al the details down. Twist it a bit (get the job) and write it. I would, except I already have this huge task…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Fandango says:
    May 5, 2018 at 1:57 AM

    Yikes, what a day. But it’s over and you turned it into a great bit of tragicomedy. Very entertaining for me as a reader, but probably not so much for you as the protagonist. Sorry about that.

    Like

  9. Ritu says:
    May 5, 2018 at 2:18 AM

    I’m hyperventilating just at the thought!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ally Bean says:
    May 5, 2018 at 6:08 AM

    Hate suits. Hate parking garages. Hate job interviews. Like helpful strangers and walking in the rain. Big hair, I’m indifferent to. Great story.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Joanne Sisco says:
    May 5, 2018 at 8:23 AM

    You’ve just documented my nightmare scenario in a parking lot – getting in and not being able to get back out again … or back in to retrieve my car. Nightmare!!
    Imagine that – you managed to find two people who would actually help you! Most people would just shrug their shoulders or wave vaguely in another direction 😕

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      May 5, 2018 at 10:16 AM

      Joanne, the following Tuesday, I had a different job interview and parked in a different parking garage, and had the same damned experience, but that time, I had to walk all the ramps. They lock all external doors until 4:30. I had to pay $13 to experience that. Like you, this is a nightmare scenario for me and each time, the trauma is worse. I’ve begun to take it personally, like Tuesdays.

      Like

  12. Benson says:
    May 5, 2018 at 9:09 AM

    It does sound like a bad dream. The only thing missing is the dark shadowy lurking figure or a clown. I am glad you got through it relatively intact. I hope the rest of your Friday was uneventful and your Saturday is grand.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. marianallen says:
    May 5, 2018 at 10:47 AM

    OMG, so cracking up! My mother always said the crime drama thing! You know, it would almost be worth the low pay to be able to say, “You payin cash or what?” Fuck this yessir nossir shit, right? Who’s the boss in the parking garage transaction. Damn straight.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Bill says:
    May 5, 2018 at 10:52 AM

    Great account, Joey. And so well-told. If all goes well, what’s to tell? I love job interview day stories and have several to tell. Seems like the built-in stress and anxiety make those days sublimely ridiculous.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Manja Mexi Movie says:
    May 5, 2018 at 12:08 PM

    Of all this I love the most the ending and that you took the crane photos. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  16. coldhandboyack says:
    May 5, 2018 at 12:55 PM

    Sounds like a Colossal waste of time. Maybe the pay the bills by tricking candidates into paying for parking. Need some new computers, let’s conduct interviews and make them pay for parking.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. kirizar says:
    May 5, 2018 at 3:40 PM

    I could just picture it. (Your photos helped.) my son is standing behind me uttering “Car, car, car, please.” Or I’d say more.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Erika says:
    May 5, 2018 at 4:23 PM

    How frustrating. Can you imagine having to go through all the hassle with the parking garage and suit every day? Gah.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      May 5, 2018 at 4:58 PM

      NO. The places I’ve worked downtown didn’t involve suits 99% of the time and had adjacent parking, so no, I’m not all about wearing suits and walking blocks to work. What kinda miserable summer would I have in that situation?!? Ick.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Deborah Drucker says:
    May 5, 2018 at 4:53 PM

    In spite of Zach, I got bad vibes about that place. What’s with all the secure entrances and creepy parking set up? And then on top of it you had to pay for parking. I think you are definitely better off not getting that job. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      May 5, 2018 at 4:56 PM

      Thanks, Deborah. I agree completely! For the record, I have never in my life, in all my many job interviews downtown, ever NOT had to pay for parking. It’s a definite turn-off, but alas, most jobs ARE downtown.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Laura says:
    May 5, 2018 at 9:11 PM

    Ugh. Sounds like Colossal was way too much stress. Good riddance.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Dan Antion says:
    May 5, 2018 at 9:30 PM

    Oh my goodness, what a day. I feel honored that in the midst of all of that nasty, you stopped and took pictures of a train and a crane – thank you!

    “The first step in trying not to panic is to panic, and then to tell yourself not to panic” I love that!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. JoAnna says:
    May 5, 2018 at 11:58 PM

    I’m exhausted. Glad you got home safe.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Amy says:
    May 6, 2018 at 2:17 PM

    Oh my!! Sounds like an experience that would definitely set off my panic button. Glad to hear that you made it through it all well and still find a smile at the end. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  24. darsword says:
    May 7, 2018 at 2:20 AM

    Wow! Great writing! I felt every bit of that. I could hardly breathe for you. We used to live in apartments that had one of those garages. I was terrified every day after work–in suits and uncomfortable shoes. You captured all of it. Glad that job didn’t fit. Can you imagine doing that every day? Of course, you would be acquainted with the right doors, etc. Still, it is scary!

    Like

  25. larva225 says:
    May 7, 2018 at 3:22 PM

    Wow. I would not want a job in that building. No way,. no how. They can keep their badges and their jobs and their parking and their suits. Nope, nope, nope.

    Liked by 1 person

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