So I had this job interview a while back. Let’s call the company Colossal.
I put on my stupid suit. All suits are stupid. I am not a suit person. Do I look good in a suit? Fuck yeah. Right up to the part where I begin walking like I’m armored. I can feel every seam. All those layers of fabric, fake pockets… Are there people who actually button that button? Boob suit. Suit boob. Whatever. Seriously, can we not do better here? I’m uptight, but not uptight enough for suits.
But wait, there’s more! It was raining cats and dogs. Oh yeah. I love the rain. I do. I love to be damp and mildly achy, because I feel my most vibrant when it rains and snows. I get charged by it.
NOT IN A SUIT.
NOT WHEN I DRIVE.
Not with smooth, straight, silicone-polished hair.
Not with shiny shoes.
Umbrellas cannot stop wet feet. Umbrellas cannot stop the hair from growing bigger and bigger and curlier and curlier.
Y’all know it was a Tuesday, right?!?
I found my way there, parked in a garage with a sign advertising Colossal Parking Here! Public Parking Here! Daily Event Parking! Yay!
Parking garages are not my favorite. Do you even watch crime dramas?
My umbrella got hooked on the seat adjuster dooji, then I dropped my keys on the icky parking garage floor, and when I picked those up, my glasses fell off my face and landed between the seat and the door frame, and on the way up I hit my forehead on the pokey end of the umbrella. Oh did that smart. Hair all in my face, waving proudly in mockery. Smoothed that out, hair in my mouth, “Pthla Pthla Pthla!” Adjusted my jacket, strapped the bag across my chest. Just typical Joey stuff, but in a suit.
Took a couple of photos for Dan. Train and crane in the rain. Caught that crane both ways.
Went through a door, down the stairs, and down, down, down.
Walk, walk, walk. It seemed I’d chosen the closest, most convenient location, I’m not kiddin, until I couldn’t find the freakin door on Colossal. All the doors were for employees of Colossal and I didn’t have the magic badge. Event parking, my ass. Daily parking, my ass.
My pant legs were all wet. My feet were all wet. My hair was growing. I was unhappy and anxious.
You know what helps anxiety? A literal dark tunnel to match the one in your head.
Finally made it out, still, no magic badge, no visitor doors.
Saw an employee of Colossal exit the special doors.
“Sir? Can you direct me to the visitor’s entrance?”
Sir was called Zach and he was very helpful. He had security buzz me in, I got a visitor’s pass and a seat in the lobby.
Thirty minutes passed before Zach called me to my interview. How likely was that? In a colossal company in the colossal building, Helpful Sir Zach interviewed me. The interview was a waste our time, as our schedules didn’t mesh. Zach and I apologized to one another about ten times as he walked me back to security where I turned in my visitor’s pass and we apologized to one another ten more times. I walked and walked and walked and then —
All the doors I came out of were magic doors! I was able to park and get to Colossal, but I couldn’t get back to my car! I tried not to panic. The first step in trying not to panic is to panic, and then to tell yourself not to panic — this is simultaneous so as to overwhelm. The second step is to breathe. The third step is to ask for help. I pried my reptilian eyes from their tunnel and sought another human. No humans!
omg omg omg i will walk to the street and if need be, i will walk illegally up all the ramps i drove on and i will get in my car and i will leave. i will leave. they can’t make me stay here. they can’t just keep my car. it’s gonna be okay. it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay. it’s not a trap. you’re free. breathe the air. deep breaths. no, slow, shallow breaths, cause rubber and oil and smoke.
Walk, walk, walk.
my feet hurt
Walk, walk, walk.
A car stopped in the driving lane of the parking garage and a man got out. He had a stride like The Mister and wore a coat with some sort of emblem. aha!
“Sir? Are you security?”
He turned, “I work for the sheriff’s department.”
“Oh good! I can’t get back to my car. I parked, I went to Colossal and all these doors are personnel entry only.”
He walked me out to the street, near the stairwell. The stairwell was locked. He said he would go inside and open it. And he did! Though I was far from my car, I’d gained access and I thanked him and we wished one another a nice day and the tunnel vision started to clear.
Climb, climb, climb, climb, walk, walk, walk.
omg i just wanna get in my car.
Walk, walk, walk. I walked half the alphabet, because I parked in B. B is for Bonnie Blue.
My car! MY CAR!
Pulled up to the parking garage attendant, handed him my ticket and he said, “What’s goin on? You payin cash or what?”
Well that’s interesting, isn’t it? Try that at your work. Sit down in your meeting and be like, “You payin cash or what?”
I paid him cash and drove on. I did not take the long way home.
When I got home, I took off my shoes and jacket, rolled up my pants, and walked barefoot to my house, leashed my dog, and waded through every single cold puddle on my patio. Wet and wasted, with big hair and a genuine smile.
All’s well that ends well.
Happy Friday Everyone!