It’s a Bit of a Pant Rant

So, I have these pants. They’re Dockers and denim, but they’re dark and cut like slacks. I call them dressy jeans. I do that. I have jeans like this:

dressy jeans – as above, and another pair, longer, for heels
regular jeans – Levi’s five-oh-I-dunno, one has a design on the back pockets
mom jeans – because bloating is real
skinny jeans – because bloating doesn’t last forever
super skinny jeans – because some days I CAN, okay?
CK jeans – you can’t make me give them up, they still have a waist as high as my own
bling jeans – they’re bedazzled
holey jeans — because weekends, and really, who I am

The Mister just has jeans. I’ve asked.

Dressing for a woman is complicated. It involves many choices. Much of our dressing success depends on the season and the weather and the event and our shoes and our bra and our hair and I could be better at this, in fact, I am, but I’m just all the time annoyed by the shoes and the bra and the hair and it makes me sorta resentful, because I didn’t choose this, it was marketed to us and now it’s a societal norm.

I’m not naive enough to believe clothes don’t matter. Everyone has had a day they went out lookin hectic and the world responded accordingly.

Do you know women can’t even choose our undergarments until we’ve selected our clothes for the day?

Some woman out there is gonna say this is all poppycock and I’ll agree, fuck yeah it is, but there will be more women who get it than don’t.

I’m not brave like that woman, okay? I need my norm camouflage.

I have too many shoes, and yet, I don’t have enough shoes. I love shoes, love them, but hate wearing them.

I OWN accessories, I BUY accessories, I just don’t wear them often. If you ask my left hand, we’ve been unmarried for about a year. Left wrist is concerned we haven’t worn our nearly constant charm bracelet. I have tons of earrings, but mostly they hang on their tree and I wear the same two pair at least three days a week. Get this: Same earrings — one set white gold, one set gold. Today I’m wearing a necklace, but I haven’t worn it in months.

I’m simply a Plain Jane. I’m not down on myself about it, but I really don’t understand why the world isn’t set up for me to wear white cotton tops and holey jeans every day all the time, crazy hair spazzin out as it does.

Seriously, my hair is an accessory. Do I want to give myself a blowout every two days? Do I? No. I don’t know how my hair doesn’t have its own blog, really.

Don’t get me started on the makeup. Oh, too late. When I don’t wear makeup, I feel just great. When I leave the house without makeup, I am sick. Sick of being asked if I’m feeling alright.
I have an okay face. It’s often red and blotchy, but the features are all in the right spots for a human.

bitchface

I really think my face is suitable for public viewing on its own.

face2

All I’m sayin is I won’t be in the Red Hat Society. I’ll be in some sorta straw hat society where shoeless women tend meadows.

Anyway, I’ve had this pair of Dockers for about five years. Drew gave them to me. Drew is always bringing clothes to us because she gets rid of old clothes and buys new clothes as if she’s got her fashion license and she enjoys shopping, where as I’m out because my favorite shirt has 17 holes in it and I’m supposed to replace it. I’m all, “Is it cotton? Does it come in white? Gray then? Blue? Pink? Is it on sale? Okay.” I have enough black for Tuesdays. Truly.

So one day, I was wearin the Docker jean pant things and I was seated upon the potty, and I happened to look down and read my breeches for the first time, and behold, they said unto me:

IMG_5802

And it cracked me up.
They’re Dockers.
For fuck’s sake, they’re Dockers!
No one is buying Dockers because they’re into wow. People buy Dockers because they’re going to work and they’re choosy about dry clean items.
What the hell kinda pants are ya wearin when you decide Dockers are wow? Stained, holey, grayed long underwear with a sagging crotch?
Was marketing all, “Well Dove chocolate puts inspirational words on their wrappers, we should do that on our waistbands!”
“Yes, we’ll be like chocolate!”
I don’t think Dockers should talk. They should be quiet and sensible.

That’s prolly why Drew got rid of the pants. I bet she read that and could not even. I don’t even know why she bought them. It seems impossible. Maybe her mom bought them for her.
Then the super fast imaginary tortoise in my head told me to hurry up and pee, and I thought, aha, there’s a blog post in there!

Have you ever thought a brand was WAY off the mark with their words? Do your pants SAY things?

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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87 Responses to It’s a Bit of a Pant Rant

  1. loisajay says:

    Haha! This is great, Joey! I used to buy Flax linen clothes and they always had some happy little thought sewn into the label. I do get a kick out of that. My supervisor tacked some Dove chocolate sap onto our bulletin board. We all want to rip it the heck off….but she’d notice and it would not be Dove-like and peaceful….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I don’t get it. I’m sympathetic, but it’s all beyond me. I want to make a wise assed remark about a fortune cookie, but I’ll avoid it.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. April says:

    oh…mine say Soft Surroundings, which is a name brand but I have plenty of soft surrounding that area. The best part is that they’re called Super Stretch! Love them!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Benson says:

    Loud applause. There is so much to this post I have no idea where to start. So I will merely say this. I would read your hair blog and what my pants say to me is.Wear me and you won’t be detained by law enforcement. Probably.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I was ready to leave the computer and the house and saw the word ‘rant’ and they can wait for me. LOL No, my pants don’t talk to me – ever. I spent years in Corporate America matching every item of clothing I wore from the top of my head to my toes. Since I retired, I have Dockers in every color for dress (yep) and I have long jeans and capri jeans – that’s it. Eliminated those decisions. Shoes have to be comfortable or forget it. I want cotton shirts but that is hard to find these days. I wear a ring, a watch, and usually the same pair of earrings although I have the assortment in the drawer as well. Makeup is worn when it is cool and there is no humidity. Hope I’m still around when you get the straw hat and join the meadow ladies because I’ll be a charter member by then and can welcome you to the group. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:

      ❀ ❀ ❀ Thank you, I will let you know when I'm ready to meadow!
      I don't know how undone I'm going to be but I'm undoing myself as I go, and I need role models, so thank you again!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. ghostmmnc says:

    Totally true – too many choices, brands, sizes, accessories, colors, and styles. Can’t really comment on work clothes, as I don’t, so my daily is comfy jammies all day. If we go somewhere, my uniform, as such, is black stretchy yoga pants, and a long, and long sleeved tunic type top (can be a color or design on it) and a necklace or 2. Oh, and flip flops of course. πŸ™‚
    My clothes have never spoken to me, even though I talk to them…”Why don’t you fit right, today?”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. scr4pl80 says:

    I never take my wedding ring off and when I had to have it repaired because somehow it got bent all out of shape (while on my hand and my hand was fine?) I had to put another ring on that finger or I felt all naked. I wear jewelry but mostly just my few favorites (silver or white gold only please) but I rarely (never?) wear makeup anymore. This is my face, like it or don’t. My smile makes up for the lack of makeup. Pants, jeans especially are the hardest for me to get. I have 1 pair because it is high waisted and stretch with tight legs. I just bought two more yesterday when I went shopping with my daughter but I didn’t try them on so they might go back. Love reading your posts!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. TaffyKathy says:

    I have those “dressy jeans” too and all other sorts.
    My fiance’ does not own jeans…

    I am with you on the I can’t choose my undergarments until I have selected my clothes for the day thing. I mean some outfits just call for nude undergarments. There’s no getting around it.

    Super funny, great rant!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. The meadow ladies wear things which don’t bind around the waist. Unless we have a waist, which I don’t. There’s one there, but if it is tightly encircled by anything, the owner is grumpy. Challenges of aging well.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Dan Antion says:

    OK, I’m gonna comment because you guys once made fun of me for shying away from posts that mention womens’ underwear and bras. But, I can only identify with this to the degree that I’ve been shopping with daughter and wife and please please please won’t have to do that again.

    I hope you shut your jeans up and find the right stuff to wear on a going-forward basis.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. atticsister says:

    OK….now I must be off to the closet to see what my pants have to say. Never noticed before. Too funny!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. John Holton says:

    I was about to say that I’m the only man over the age of 40 who has never owned a pair of Dockers, then I realized, yeah, I have. I think I wore them once, then they returned to their home planet. At least that’s what I think…

    Come to think of it, they used to make whole suits, and I think I had a couple. They look good for a couple of months, then they start to pill, at which point you throw them out and buy new ones. Really good for travel and in an emergency, like you just split the rear end out of your good suit and you have a job interview.

    Now that I’m retired I wear jeans all the time. Literally, except when I go to bed.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. marianallen says:

    Joey. Cracking up MomGoths since 2016. I have two pairs of jeans: the ones I wear EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. except for the ones I wear when the other ones are in the wash. If I have to go out, I’m happy if I’m going someplace I can wear the jeans. Otherwise, I have “nice” pants, most of which are as comfortable as my jeans but some of which are not. Comfortable = happy. Not = this, too, shall pass. Charlie hates makeup, so all I wear is lipstick (which he calls sticklip) and only when I want to impersonate a grown-up lady. I like wearing it; it makes me look funny. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Haha! Thank you! It’s ‘yiptick’ here πŸ™‚
      It’s nice you have your comfy breeches. I have a few pair that really are comfy, but I’d still rather be in my jammies πŸ˜›
      Charlie’s aces. I don’t think The Mister knows when I wear makeup, so he’s aces too ❀

      Like

  14. Ally Bean says:

    I’m reading this as I’m headed out the door to go clothes shopping for me. I hate clothes shopping for me, for many of the reasons you mentioned above. I’ll be on the lookout for any adverts that don’t ring true to the brand they’re advertising. Good chance I’ll find one of them before I find any new clothes that I like. Women’s fashion sucks… I’m older now but not a frump. Would that the fashion industry would catch on to that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Right? Especially with shoes. Why must it be “Granny” or “Sexy”?!? Where’s the middlin bit?
      I hope you had a good shopping experience and came away with some nice new duds πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  15. orbthefirst says:

    I think I have about 5 pairs of jeans, and I usually wear 2 of them. Between the months of October and March. One says “Wrangler” on it but I can safely say that I havent had a good wrangling in about 4 years.
    Honestly, I think the folks I go out with have finally accepted that unless Im feeling prime (once a month, maybe??) Im a sweats and a Tee kind of guy. Possibly 20 shirts and I might wear 7 of them. Ones actually long sleeved.
    I dunno..I stopped giving a damn about what I looked like around 2 years ago, and now that the prize winning hair is gone, I really need a reason to try. Most of the womenfolk I know basically ghosted me after I cut it off anyway, so I found right where I stood right there & then.
    Im glad I have the luxury of not having to dress for a job, and I never really felt the pull to dress for other folks either. Possibly cuz Im a guy. Who knows.

    ANYWAY this comment has devolved into something I wish it wasnt, so have a nice day Joey, and may all your pants be comfy. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      That was highly entertaining and you should devolve here more often.
      Wrangling bit was particularly funny.
      Love isn’t desire, you know. We love people when they look their worst, but we may not desire them then. The womenfolk are into pretty. Think of your hair like a fishing lure.
      Mmm, sweats. I should put on sweats after I shower πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  16. JT Twissel says:

    I only have two types of pants: frayed at the bottom and covered with paint. My pants would say “ugh”

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I love jeans, but my favorite pants come from Kuhl (https://tinyurl.com/y97yc3c7) and I, in answer to Dr. Suess’ question: I would wear them in a boat, I would wear them with a goat, I would wear them here or there, I would wear them anywhere!! I have some that have legs that zip off to leave me wearing comfy shorts. What on earth is not to like? (Of course, I’d like them even better if they were less expensive, but they’re worth it.)

    Makeup? I just wear eyeliner and mascara because I was given the bum end of the stick as far as length of lashes goes. Sometimes a bit of blush, but that’s it. Can’t wear my engagement or wedding ring as my knuckles have gotten a bit larger, but I have a lovely silver Irish ring and a turquoise, SW Indian ring and they look great together.

    Hats? Love, love, love them: casual, dressy, cowboy. But other than church, I don’t have many places to wear them and as I sing in praise team, I don’t usually get to wear them to church. (The cowboy hat isn’t for church, of course, unless outdoors in the West.)

    OK. I’m done. Rant over and almost time to watch the replay of today’s Tour de France stage while wearing my jean capris.

    Ciao!

    janet

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Haha! I’m delighted you’ve found your green eggs and ham of pants, Janet!
      I got all the lashes, have to curl them or they rub my glasses all day, blah. I got shorted on brows though. Like how some men can’t grow a full beard? My brows are patchy πŸ˜›
      You’ve GOT to get your wedding rings resized! I’m a big fan of turquoise, too.
      I’m always down for hats, too! Love hats!

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Carrie Rubin says:

    The only thing I want my pants to say is: Machine washable. No dry cleaning necessary. πŸ˜„

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Bill says:

    I discovered that I could find jeans that fit if I stopped insisting they had to be Wranglers. I do not “get” starched and ironed jeans, but folks do that. Sweat pants have a time and place and I love mine (winter). Friend at lunch said, “I told Linda (his wife) not to ever put me in sweatpants.” I got so stuck on the ‘put me in part’ I had to have my wife explain to me that some men are dressed by wives. Funny post. Thanks, Joey.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Susanne says:

    I am still searching for the perfect pair of jeans and shoes and therefore am highly susceptible to marketing. The problem is jeans are fundamentally uncomfortable imo but like you I need the norm uniform. Talking jeans are simply trying to con us into believing the norm. Ie. if I fit you you’ll fit in. Bring on the meadow and the straw hat!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. markbialczak says:

    This may be the most amazing glimpse into JoeyWorld yet. I have work jeans and weekend jeans. Someday the work jeans will become weekend jeans. Work jeans come out in fall and winter. Work khakis come out in spring and summer. That will be all for downstairs fashion.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I read everything I can, especially on the toilet. Seeing this would crack me up too. As for my jeans, I have three: a pair that is one wear before being thrown away but I love the cut, and two pairs that were bought together, a light and a dark model, but are two big and don’t look good on me. Also, it’s too hot for jeans most of the year where I live. One year, I remember, the first time I wore jeans was in July in Slovenia. It was cold!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. OMG! I’m laughing out loud and He-Man is giving me the raised eyebrow look! This is hilarious, but filled with so much truth.

    I don’t know if my jeans have words? I’ll look now! I own fat day jeans, skinny day jeans, comfy just being in the house jeans, cropped jeans, jeans for painting in, and going out uptown jeans that require heels so I don’t step on the hems. I prefer a T-shirt with all of them. A plain, heavy weight T-shirt. Plain; no writing, no pictures, no advertising on them anywhere but the inside label.
    Gap used to make the perfect one for me, and so did Old Navy. I can’t find anything like them today. Thank God, I stocked up back in the day and was almost like Steve Jobs and bought 5 green ones, 3 coral ones, and 10 black ones. Fast forward 18 years and they’re getting worn out, seriously I kid you not I’m nearly in panic mode about getting them replaced cause I can’t. find. any. I LOVE as much!

    I love white jeans. I wear them nearly all year round. I bought two pair a couple of years ago, and one white jean capri. I went looking for the perfect white jeans this year to add to my stash, and can’t find any I like! I hope these two pair hold out long enough! I shoulda bought 2 more pair while I could have. Sigh.

    Oh my pair of Levi’s 501 button up jeans. I bought when I was 26 in Yellowstone N.P. during a rainstorm in Aug. I still have them, but I don’t wear them anymore. They’re classic, and I don’t want to wreck them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I’m glad you enjoyed my post in both truth and laughter πŸ™‚
      You do strike me as a white jean kinda gal. Yep.
      I feel like we’ve had this conversation about buying multiples in different colors or duplicates cause I do the same thing!
      I’m sorry about your tee shirt search. My favorite were Land’s End scoop neck tees and they were actually tagless, not tagless at the neck and then tagged at the waist, but truly and utterly tagless. I had 7 of them and they lasted me many summers.
      I hardly wear my CK jeans for the same reason. I want to wear them all my life, so I wear them rarely.

      Liked by 1 person

  24. JoAnna says:

    Years ago, jeans was all I would wear. I HAD to wear jeans. Or jean skirts. Or a jean dress. Now, retired and in my 60s, I’m all about soft and flowy skirts, yoga pants, big soft flowy pants, with a soft shell, or a soft V neck T shirt. Anything that’s not binding or stiff. And my crock sandals. And less and less makeup. Freedom is in your future, Joey!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. prior.. says:

    so fun – fashion talk is something I never grow out of (oh bad pun) but it does get fun when people do it right – and your note about Dockers reminded me of when “Dickies” were in.
    Dickies were always the work clothing items that could last 100 years (until maybe the folks overseas made them designed to fail after so much use – like certain phones are made – to keep sales anew).
    Anyhow, recall around 2008-2010 when middle schoolers were wearing Dickies’ pants and shirts with hats a certain way – was just weird

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Great post, Joey. I almost never wear jewelry, even though I have lots of it. If I choose something, on the odd occasion, when I’m in the car I end up putting it in my bag. I’ll suffer through the day for the likes of a wedding, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Amy says:

    I was nodding all the way through this post Joey!! I prefer my shorts to jeans, but they are jean shorts. I’m almost always barefoot and often closed toes shoes make my feet to hot (but I do love some pretty boots in the fall). Often I’m bare faced, ponytailed, and only wear my wedding ring set. Before kids, I did not obey the part about “must wear bras” so much, but after three babes, I complied. My pants have never shared literal words with me. However, they have definitely spoken. lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Pingback: Pant Rant Rebuttal – #1LinerWeds – No Facilities

  29. bikerchick57 says:

    LOL! I know I’m late to this party, but it gave me a good laugh on a Wednesday morning.

    “I’ll be in some sorta straw hat society where shoeless women tend meadows.”
    Can I join? I’m not a fan of the red and purple combo.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Laura says:

    Lawd, I am so so SO glad Dan linked back to this in his SoCS post today because I missed it due to the off the grid week and I am CRYING, girl.
    Your PANTS. Talking to you. ON THE POTTY!!
    Can’t figure out what’s the funniest part of all that, or if it’s the fact that it’s the sensible minivan of pant-age lecturing you about Joy.
    Bless.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. larva225 says:

    No, but dammit now I wish they did.
    And I just got back from the Neshoba County Fair in Mississippi where my mom was all like β€œpack light” and β€œthe red mud will destroy everything,” so I went up there looking like a damn schlub while all the other girls and ladies looked all cute and put-together and mud-free and Ya Ya. Dammit. My self esteem still hasn’t recovered.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Joey, you are a HOOT! Honest! I remember a time I would not could not walk out of my house without makeup on. Now? I could care less although I must still wear something on my lips. Gloss. Glitter preferably in it. LOL I used to wear so much makeup I was called raccoon eyes. If you have seen a pic of me lately as in gravatar …. no makeup. Jeans. Lees all the way. Stretch preferably. I have shoes in boxes that I cannot bear to part with. But since my back injury I live in sneaks. I used to do the 3″ stilettos. Right. Those days are definitely over. Jewelry. I have three holes in each ear and I’m lucky if I wear the third pair … I keep the other two pair in my ears 24/7. And usually when I do wear the third pair even though I have tons of earrings, I wear one or two that I always wear. I have a cultured salt water pearl necklace and matching earrings. Do I wear them? No. I took my wedding ring off years ago when I was really po’ed at hubby and now cannot get it back on due to my knuckles … I can’t get the dang thing back on. I LOVED this post, Girl! I just had to read it after I visited Dan’s site and he mentioned this post. Oh last thing …. my hair is now past my shoulders (YAY!) but because it is Summer I have it up in a ponytail all the time. I only blowout my hair in the cooler months. Why bother in the hotter ones when it will just frizz anyways and curl again? LOL 😘😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Some of us are just stuck with the curls and the waves and the glorious frizz, hm? I’m having a ponytail RIGHT NOW!
      I love your natural look, and I can’t imagine you with raccoon eyes!!! :O
      I’ve never been big on makeup.
      You’ve GOT to get your rings resized! Or not, whatevs. πŸ˜‰
      I never took to serious heels. I love myself too much, hahaha! xo

      Liked by 1 person

  33. Anxious Mom says:

    I love that you have fancy jeans, as I have fancy t-shirts, which my husband thinks is insane. He understands about the fancy jeans since they look better with my nice shoes, but not the shirt.

    My clothes do not have extra words, not that I’ve noticed anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Fancy tee shirts, yes, I own three. They go with leggins, and jeans, holey even, but also slacks and skirts. Fancy tees are an essential element.

      Like

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