Hell is Behind St Lawrence Church

Last month I wrote about taking Moo’s friend Betsy home and how her neighborhood is all windy-dindy.
Robin asked me why I don’t know a shortcut to Betsy’s house. I started to explain, and ended up telling her that when she comes here, I’ll be happy to take her over and show her. Translation: I will be happy to drive aimlessly, with bewilderment, until we get back to a main street.

Now, I’ve decided to show you.
But before I do, let me tell you how it is, and how it has been.

Taking Betsy home is not the first time I’ve ventured into this neighborhood. Far from it. I’ve been in this neighborhood more times than I can count. Growing up, I had friends in this neighborhood, I dated a guy in this neighborhood. I have spent nights there, walked around in it, played basketball in its streets. I am still disoriented while I’m in it.
The streets are all curvy and the names change.
The map doesn’t reflect the name changes, but when I take Betsy home, her street is one name in and another name out. Betsy only knows the way home via her bus route, so when I leave, it’s easier to get out than it was to get in. However, when I try to enter the same way I left the last time, it doesn’t work. I end up driving around with my gut until suddenly the right house appears.

Obviously there is magic afoot.

Now my kids have a handful of friends who live in this neighborhood. I must drop people off and pick people up accordingly.

Today, I asked The Mister to pick the children up.

Here’s an imaginary version of our convo:

“Where is Moo?”
“666 Β Black Magic Lane.”
“How do I get there? Crossover and take a right on Lost Lane, then a left on what?”
“Just let Siri drag you all around Robin Hood’s Barn and across Hell’s Half Acre. I can’t tell you how to get there. I truly don’t know how I get there. I’m certain I’ve never gone the same way twice. It’s all curves and cul-de-sacs, the street names change.”
*pulls up map*
“See?”
“I got it.”
“No. Look.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry if I’mΒ sensitive to this issue. No one seems to understand. You and your parents have not helped. It’s a fucked-up place over there. It’s not just me.”

I can still remember my mother on the phone with my boyfriend in 1989, “Hang a Louie on Leone.”

Off The Mister went.

When he returned, some time later, I didn’t have to ask him how it went. He said, “That was a nightmare! The phone was tellin me to turn and there wasn’t a turn yet! If I turned right, I’d end up in someone’s yard! I wasn’t at the fuckin street yet! And gettin out was even worse! I just kept turnin left. Felt like a NASCAR driver. Finally made it out to Kitley! Then I saw traffic was movin pretty swiftly, so I figured that was 46th.”

The funniest thing about this is that I have never come out on Kitley. Not once.
Of course, anxiety disorder isn’t aΒ fan of left turns — I probably turn right, cause I’m not a NASCAR fan.

 

 
This map may be correct, but also IT LIES.
For a clearer view, Google it, street view it — Go ahead, make yourself sick!
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Y’ever been disoriented in a windy-dindy neighborhood?

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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59 Responses to Hell is Behind St Lawrence Church

  1. Judy Martin says:

    God, that looks confusing Joey, I am pretty sure I would get lost, as I am very good at it! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. No left turn…I couldn’t live without my left turn. I always say, “When lost, turn left.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hate subdivisions like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. meANXIETYme says:

    Hub and I got lost on a street that supposedly only had one way in and one way out. Somehow, we ended up circling around and around without knowing how. In the dark. And both sides of the road were treed, so no landmarks.
    One street over from this bermuda circle is a ginormous mall. We couldn’t see it, we couldn’t get to it, but we knew it was there. Round and round on the same street, no way out.
    I’m still not sure how we made it home.
    Also, our old neighborhood was one of those windy-dindy ones like you describe. Fortunately for us, we were just one (and a half) street off the main, so we got pretty good at zipping in and out after 10 years.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Oh that sounds like magic, too. I don’t know if I’d even go into this neighborhood in the dark! I can remember being lost as the passenger in the dark, and that was back in high school!
      My in-laws live in a windy-dindy place, too, but fortunately, their house is on the edge of it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • meANXIETYme says:

        What’s fun was, that house in that windy dindy neighborhood, when you turned off the main street you could SEE our backyard and the back of our house, but you had to turn BEFORE that view to go left and right before you could get to the house. It was crazy. We always sent people maps with the correct path drawn on it the first time they came to see us! LOL

        Liked by 1 person

  5. John Holton says:

    It’s like a maze… it’d drive me crazy.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ally Bean says:

    That map looks like most of the older neighborhoods in the fashionable parts of this city. Lots of twists and turns so that the riffraff can’t find their way through. I dread going anywhere near them because getting lost is so tiring. And then there’s always the issue of: where do you park? *meh*

    Liked by 1 person

  7. That’s why I hope never to move into one of those newer subdivisions. Give me the older neighborhoods with all right-angles and cross-streets. So much easier to navigate.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Suburban maze…I’ve seen it everywhere, it’s ridiculous. But I’m loving the take on the Nascar left turns. ☺☺

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Anxious Mom says:

    That’s some straight up navigational fuckery. Tell Moo’s friends to use Uber πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  10. joannesisco says:

    Unless there is a reason for all the twisty-turnies – like a river or lake that needs to navigated around – subdivisions like this are a nightmare and the urban planner should be severely punished. Shame!

    Making left hand turns strikes fear in my heart.

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:

      Right? Except more houses on less land makes money hand over fist! Greed leads to this sorta confusion! πŸ˜›

      Glad to count you in on left-hand turns being nerve-wracking!

      Like

      • joannesisco says:

        I’m not sure if it’s greed or just misguided stupidity πŸ˜‰

        If I’m driving someplace I’m not familiar with, I will go out of my way to avoid a left hand turn.

        Liked by 2 people

  11. ghostmmnc says:

    I don’t know who ever thought these kind of streets were a good idea. I get lost in my own area if I don’t take the exact turns at the right time. We’ve even seen the emergency vehicle drivers stop to ask directions around here. Most of our main streets are fine N/S and E/W, but get off into a housing area and you are doomed to drive down dead ends that aren’t marked, and random name changes…a nightmare!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Okay, now see, that’s awful and literally dangerous, when the emergency people can’t find their way through! I really don’t like name changes on streets, but it’s the curves that do me in. Indy is very much a grid city, so these lil neighborhoods are a nightmare for us.

      Liked by 1 person

      • ghostmmnc says:

        Yes, it is dangerous for them to waste time like that hurrying to help someone. We go to yard sales, and sometimes the address they provide I swear must be in another universe or something, cause we go round and round and it is just not there!

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Benson says:

    Obviously the streets were laid out according to an Ancient Alien drawing based on their original planet’s capital city. That is why no human can navigate it. Left hand turns are never a good idea unless it is onto a one way street.

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:

      Hah! Yes, I think you may be right. It would be much more easy and fun to fly over in a spaceship and beam the children to and fro! πŸ™‚

      Glad you’re not a fan of lefts, either.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. LindaGHill says:

    I have! Who the hell came up with the idea of crescents, anyway?
    A woman in a town close to here was in the news recently because she drove into a lake when her GPS told her to… Don’t do that.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Dan Antion says:

    I used to hate having kid-pick-up-duty. My wife can’t drive at night and I couldn’t remember where these kids lived and then there was always the “can you give…a ride?”

    You would probably hate picking me up We’re on Greenwood, in between Green Land and Green View which are in between Greenfield and Green Manor. My GPS can figure it out, but I still can’t remember which green is east and which is west. I tell people 1st left, 1st right, 1st left, 1st right, 1st right, 1st left and then take the first left. We don’t get many visitors though.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. puppy1952 says:

    We have a place like that here -It’s called Pretoria! The streets are all one way and change their names too – the locals think it’s wonderful but we were not impressed. Went there once to attend a niece’s wedding. It was early on a Sunday morning on our day of departure so there wasn’t even any traffic – took us an hour to find our way out!

    Like

  16. jan says:

    We’ve had many GPS adventures – particularly in rural Nevada. You do wonder if some evil force has taken over!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. reocochran says:

    Today, I am excited to have received my first pingback from you, dear Joey! Thank you for reminding me of how I didn’t get how Betsy would lead you in circles but once dropped off, you knew your “way out!” I was so grateful you included our ongoing conversations of how I may come and eat your delicious “sammies” or liked high tacos or so many other scrumptious things you cook up. I also picture both of us walking through a neighborhood and finding different details to focus on and writing some kind of *”First Time Only Thursday’s Doors post!”* πŸ™‚ πŸ˜€
    This was super lovely how you shared my rosy barn post. Hope you have a great Monday and not the usual Mundane or F- – – ing day. . . (this is intended to be funny!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Haha, it’s actually my third pingback to you, but this is the first one I’ve done so promptly. πŸ™‚
      I am sure one day we will meet and have a splendid time!
      Monday mornings are rough, but Monday is usually fairly peaceful for me. I hope the same for you xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • reocochran says:

        Oh dear! This is my first “thank you” for a pingback and sorry I don’t notice everything which goes on here, Joey. Kind of like how a British person would say, “Life on weekends goes ‘Willy nilly’ with grandies” and especially with walking around the Delaware Arts Festival this weekend, in freezing cold! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        • joey says:

          No, I promise you thanked me before. You don’t need to worry abut it, I’m glad to share you and happy to be inspired by you — no thanks necessary πŸ™‚

          Like

  18. Prajakta says:

    Remind me not to ever go in there! It looks worse than a maze – it just destroyed the last of my navigation skills πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Laura says:

    Oh, maps certainly lie. They don’t want to look like someone was high when they designed the neighborhood so the map makes the streets LOOK all straight, but we know what’s what. Love that your hubs got to experience it NASCAR style. πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I’m SO directionally challenged. I think I may have just stopped and cried. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  21. April says:

    Most of where I live is like this. Evil city planners.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I’ll drive around an extra five or six blocks to avoid a dangerous left turn. Nothing creates anxiety like a passenger who says “It’s clear on my side. Punch it!”

    Liked by 1 person

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