Asleep and Alert

Not too long ago, I had a nightmare about oversized Transformers taking over the world. Imagine the eyes on the cover of Gatsby, but as robotic eyes looming over the horizon. Gleaming silver feet the size of my house, about to crush my babiest of babies, missing her by mere inches.

Nightmares about robots are not unusual for me. Manifestation of my perception that too much of humanity is inhumane. Rather than seeing myself as too delicate for this world, my innermost voice tells me it’s the others who are missing hearts. Empty tin people, roaming the earth off-kilter, unflinching and soulless.
They don’t see like I do, they don’t hear like I do, they don’t think like I do, and they don’t feel like I do. I overcame the idea that I somehow got all their extras, yet I still contend I hold more than can be contained. All this love and hope has a purpose, but it’s not of me, not from me or for me, so I create and teach and heal, spilling words and tears and when I start to feel withholding, I seek the beauty of green trees and gray skies and music I cannot make.
Robots don’t do that.

I awoke as I swept my child from the underside of the Transformer’s metal foot. Panicked and crying, I knew how I reached that level of fear and anxiety.

Brain movies are convincing.

As I lay there drenched in sweat, body aching with tension, heart racing, tears streaming, my husband telling me it was okay, I realized, almost everyone actually knows what a panic attack feels like.

It feels just like waking up from a nightmare.

Without the corresponding brain movie.

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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33 Responses to Asleep and Alert

  1. ghostmmnc says:

    I hope the nightmare attack is over, because I do know what it feels like. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dan Antion says:

    I hope you were able to recover quickly. I feel so bad for people who have to deal with anxiety, partly because it must be so bad, and partly because the rest of us don’t understand. When I read your posts about these attacks, I think I get a little close to understanding. I hope you have a good week.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Benson says:

    Wow that is frightening. I hope your future sleeps are more restful and you have a peaceful week.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Prajakta says:

    It sounds absolutely terrifying! I remember being scared to go to sleep after some nightmares – I still remember a few years later. Have a peaceful week ahead 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. loisajay says:

    Joey–I had no idea what a panic attack felt like. I am so sorry for this.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you – I know what it’s like to wake from a nightmare. And now I know what it’s like for a person to have a panic attack. From which, I believe, I have been spared.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ally Bean says:

    Nightmares can be all too real. So sorry this happened to you, but maybe it means you’re processing your daytime anxiety better? I know that’s what I tell myself when such things happen to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I have been remembering all the dreaming lately, mostly they’ve been hysterical, but a few of these have come as well. I hope you’re right, I like that perspective. I think I’ll hang on to it!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I haven’t had those “wake me up” nightmares in a long time, but I do remember the anxiety they create. Your interpretation of the inhumanity of real life…pretty brilliant reason for the mechanical horror. I hope that brought some relief, Joey. Nice share, thanks for always keeping it so real.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I agree with Dan, that your description helps me come closer to an understanding of something I’ve never really experienced, at least nothing like that. Hopefully it will be a long time until you have another!

    janet

    Liked by 1 person

  10. jackcollier7 says:

    weird and terrifying.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I hope you are feeling better now, Joey. Panic attacks are terrifying as you illustrated perfectly.

    Like

  12. John Holton says:

    I hope you’re over the worst of it.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. scr4pl80 says:

    I was just talking to my husband this morning about how intense the feelings of hopelessness and depression must be to make someone kill themselves (we were listening to music by Linkin Park as we went through the Robin Williams tunnel) and how I didn’t think I could ever get that intense about something. Anxiety must get close to that as well. Your comparison to a nightmare makes it more comprehensible to me as I have had nightmares that wake me up, thankfully not often. Hopefully yours has passed by now.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. It’s interesting that you were so able to interpret your dream. I always have the hardest time with that part, but I spend a lot of time trying. Quite often I process them by telling the hubby about them. I don’t have those type of nightmares quite as often as I used to, but I do know the panic of those brain movies that make your heart race and cause you to sob upon awaking because they were so horrid. I hope that peaceful sleep accompanies you in the future.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thanks, Amy. I hope the same for you. I hadn’t had such a bad one in a long, long time. I’ve always been a heavy dreamer, and I like to think I can work them out, that figuring out the why will help me in my wakeful life.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. I very rarely remember my dreams. I have been wakened up by He-Man several times being told that I’m having a nightmare, stop screaming. I don’t remember the dream or screaming. I think it must be so terrifying that my brain won’t let me process it…yet. I’ve scared the hell out of my children several times having a nightmare I can’t recall. I hate that!

    I don’t recall ever having nightmares before becoming a Mother.

    I’m so grateful to have He-Man there when it happens though, and am so happy you have the Mister! It’s a blessing that you can recall the dream and think it through and work out what is troubling you. I think that will help you get past it. While it doesn’t happen to me often I wish I could remember the nightmare so I could begin to work it out, and get over it. Since I haven’t I just hope that was the last one, and I won’t have anymore shakes and slaps to wake me up from some horrible dream I can’t remember.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thank you for sharing so much.
      I do feel blessed to have The Mister, I thanked him several times. It’d been so long since I’d had such a doozy.
      I definitely had nightmares before motherhood, but somehow I feel better that you didn’t. I agree, I prefer to be able to analyze and process the info in my waking life.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. pluviolover says:

    I’ve had more nightmares in the last few years than ever before in my life (maybe childhood, but little memory). I think they are specifically related to stress caused by real life events (don’t know for sure). In every case I’m under direct physical attack, but never harmed. My awareness of PAs is from my daughter who can still have them while awake, but has fewer than in past.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Sushmita says:

    God,thats terrifying but loved how you interpreted your dream.

    Like

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