Y’all, I just do not sleep anymore. That’s my thing again. That’s what I told my family when they came out to find the light on in the middle of the night.
“I just don’t sleep anymore.”
“Hello, I just don’t sleep anymore. It’s my thing.”
Sometimes when people sleep longer than average, we say, “You must have needed it.” This doesn’t work in reverse. It is not possible I don’t need more than two hours here and two hours there. I’m really very tired. I was in bed before nine last night, ready to do all the sleeping.
I almost fell asleep several times. But then, I had the thinking. Oh, the thinking.
This leads to the kind of thing where you start counting down the hours til the alarm, and that’s never good. As all Friends fans know, that shit’ll land you in Tulsa.
I’ve reached a point where I get excited when I doze off and my mind starts to turn surreal. why was i thinking about a blue bucket on a river? i don’t know that river OR that bucket! Well, that’s dreaming brain ready to fire it up! yes, brain, bring back the blue bucket, c’mon brain, you can do it, let’s dream!
Probably only insomniacs can relate to that, but I know they’re out there.
I have a lot on my mind. I’m anxious.
To be clear, I’m regular person anxious, not anxiety disorder anxious — ie, I have actual reasons to be anxious.
I wrote six full pages last night and made a list and does any of that even matter? I dunno yet.
I can tell I’m in a weird place, because my husband is being … You know what, this’ll sound odd, but he’s been Strangely Nice. I mean, above and beyond his customary level of niceness, so much so, I feel a lil freaked-out. Like, he kept asking me if my day was still good. Who asks that? Why was it so important my day was good? For this, I can blame my parents, thank you. Children of divorce love to ask, are things going too well? i think things are going too well. something bad must be coming.
I suppose he could be reacting to my current stress level, but it’s easier to be suspicious because that gives my brain something to do at 3am. Ridiculous, I know. It reminds me of how grateful my neurotic ass is to have him. do i deserve a man who is so loving and supportive and thoughtful? let’s dwell on that for 45 minutes.
Even now, I sit here with tired eyes and busy brain. I’m so outta whack, I think dinner sounds good at 7am. Doesn’t dinner sound good? Somethin savory and starchy, like mashed potatoes and gravy. Maybe some smoked sausage and grits. You know what would go well with that?
That’s another unfortunate thing about lack of sleep, that whole I’ve-been-up-long-enough-to-get-hungry-again, 3am-would-like-to-see-a-menu thing.
So, I will take Moo to school, eat a big breakfast, and hopefully fall into a delightful food coma.
What more can I ask for on a Tuesday, eh?