How to Go to Bed Like Joey

I have already provided a tutorial on How to Make a Sammich Like a Bitch, so I’ve decided not a how-to-cook post. In fact, given the defensive, combative comments some readers leave, it’s likely best I don’t tell you how to do things I do exceptionally well. I’m a big picture person. I care about results, not processes. It would be infinitely more joyful and much more fun to tell you how to do something I’m bad it, so you can either feel superior or commiserate.

First note that time after dinner is moving rapidly and your list of things to do and read and watch will keep you up til 3am, but you have to rise to work in the morning, and you’re not down for that kind of tired. At that point, you should pout about how being an adult who is not independently wealthy is a tale of woe. Pout only to yourself, because everyone feels the same way. Momentarily dream of a life where you can rise at will and do all of your best work before dinner. Then note the increasing frequency of your husband’s yawns. Type faster. When he turns off the tv, type rapidly and tell him you will join him shortly. Take your bottles/cans/glasses/mugs/plates/wrappers/silverware, kleenexes, and napkins to the kitchen. Go back for your phone. Stop to hug Moo. Walk into the bedroom, see your husband in bed. Undress/dress for bed. Wash your face. Forget you have glasses on your head, watch them fall into the sink. Pee. You’re very old now and every time you run water, you need to pee. Moisturize. Get some in your hair. Brush your teeth, floss. Sit on your bed and try to scroll your Instagram. Check your bedside for specs, because you can’t read a fucking thing. If you have readers in the there, you get one gold star. If not, go in search of one of the five pair you cannot find when you need them. You have already forgotten there’s a pair on the bathroom sink. Don’t look now, but there’s another pair on the dresser and another on the chest of drawers. Once you have your glasses, like and comment on your Instagram and plug your phone in. Remember you need to take your medicine. Get your medicine. Stop to hug Moo. Question whether you have water in the bottle at your bedside… From what you can recall it’s mostly just kleenex. Odds are not in your favor. Get water to take your medicine. Walk around holding pills in one hand, trying to make a glass of water with the other. Try to drink water and take pills while walking back to the bedroom. Choke. Trip on cats who are rushing to the laundry room to be fed. Feed the cats. Remember you have a load of towels in the wash. Rotate those. Turn around, hug Moo. Sit on the bed again. Balm your lips, cream your hands, and maybe lotion your legs and/or feet. Find clickie. It’s probably under the bed. Turn on shows. Cuddle husband, being sure to flip and flop to acquire the perfect position. It’s hot. Get up, walk to the other end of the house, and turn the air down. Moo wants another hug. Moo will follow you to the bedroom. She will want to talk to you about what hurts on her body now. Sassy will arrive, to lie between you and your husband, to demand petting and to talk about her feelings. Moo will be jealous, and will stick her leg in your face so you can tickle it. The cats, having eaten, want to be part of. While Catticus perches at the end of the bed and begins his nightly bathtime ritual, the other two cats climb over whatever body parts are bridges to where they can best situate their bottoms in your face. Meanwhile, the dog, beside herself with jealousy, licks the leg you just lotioned. As you do regularly, announce to the children that you must get some sleep. Hug and kiss the children at least three times. Repeatedly tell them you love them. You love them, too. No, you love them more. Lie upon husband. Flip and flop again, because that perfect position is long gone now. Yell about how your door is too open and there’s a light on in Tibet. Begin to relax. Realize you forgot to set your alarm. Do that, but yank it, so that it comes unplugged so you may spend considerable time trying to plug the damn thing back in. Lie on husband. Do you have to pee again? Go pee. As soon as you lie down and get comfy, the dryer buzzes. Do not get up and fold it. That can be the thing you remember before bed tomorrow night.

socsnow
Stream of Consciousness Saturday — SoCS ‘instructions’ is brought to you by LindaGHill

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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66 Responses to How to Go to Bed Like Joey

  1. The older you get, the worse IT gets. However, we no longer live with other people, and just have our own bad habits to deal with.

    I hate going to bed – because, with the CFS, it can take most of the day to get my brain to clear up so I can use it a bit, and if I go to sleep I have to start all over again from zero!

    So I go to bed too late, or have to eat again, or have to deal with pain again…

    Then, in the morning, I’m too tired!

    BTW, ‘defensive, combative comments some readers leave’ should lead to banning. People don’t get to abuse the other people who provide things to read and comment on. They can start their own blogs.

    Liked by 3 people

    • joey says:

      THANK YOU! Thank you for this, “if I go to sleep I have to start all over again from zero!” That is how I feel every freakin morning. It is so hard to stop when I have the energy, because I don’t wake up like that. I wanna do it while I can, who knows when the energy will come again?!? But then, left to my own ways, I do too much and get sick. I’m not where you are, but I get it, and I really love that you understand how I feel. Thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. ROFL! I’m laughing because I can so relate to this! Especially the part about needing glasses to read a flipping thing! I need bowls and bowls of them around the house. I bought 8 pair within a year. I’m lucky to find one bloody pair!

    Hope you have a lovely week-end!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. marianallen says:

    People get defensive and combative witchu? Lemme at ’em! I’ll moidalize ’em! I love all the love in your getting to bedification. Even the cat butts of cat love.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. eschudel says:

    Didn’t going to bed used to be easy? Or maybe it was all a dream…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sue says:

    I am exhausted and laughing hysterically as I read your post!! Your bed time ritual reminds me of my working years with kids and pets and endless chores…and those damn reading glasses! If it’s any consolation, those nights won’t last forever. Hubby and I are both retired now (last week) and we hardly know what to do with ourselves! “Shouldn’t we try and accomplish something today?” And so we do, go on making project lists and fiddling around on the homestead but the pace is more relaxed. Enjoy these years of fullness for like all things, this too shall pass❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  6. orbthefirst says:

    “…theres a light on in Tibet.” YUP. Been there. Thats quite the ritual you got there joey.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Retired = hard to get to sleep and challenging to stay asleep. I remember the years of getting into bed, laying my head down, next thing the alarm is going off. Ah, I remember them well. Not today. 🙂 Light on in Tibet made me almost need to hit the bathroom quickly. And, if someone doesn’t like a post written by a blogger, don’t read it or unsubscribe – it’s as simple as that. No comment is necessary.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh yeah. Mine is the case of my fictional characters showing up and telling me all their good ideas. Five hours later, I nod off and hope I haven’t been rude.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Benson says:

    Wow, that is some list. If I had to do that much stuff I would be wide awake again. I just take my meds and make sure I have my water jug and I am good to go. Have a good weekend and may all your nights be sleepy.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Rivergirl says:

    That sounds remarkably like my nighttime routine… minus the dog. (And frequent peeing)
    As for reading glasses? 2 pair per room…minimum, and I still can’t find them when I need them!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. JT Twissel says:

    Whew – that’s some routine. I’m exhausted just reading about it. My husband is the routine person – I just brush my teeth and flop into bed. He takes care of all the house lockdown, pet feeding, litter box, etc. I am a bitch!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Dan Antion says:

    Thanks for getting me laughing on a hot summer day. I’d say ‘have a good night’ but that might have been one.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. scr4pl80 says:

    Yeah, not jealous of that routine at all. Mine is much simpler I’m happy to say.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. ghostmmnc says:

    So many things to do before you can finally settle down at night! I love how your family & pets want to snuggle awhile. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. loisajay says:

    Joey–you are a riot! So The Mister sleeps through all of this, eh? Something ain’t right….

    Liked by 1 person

  16. John Holton says:

    You’re busy at bedtime…

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Wow, that’s quite a list, Joey! 🙂 You almost have to get ready for bed before you get up just in order to be ready. Of course our girls are out of the house, so that simplifies things!

    janet

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Pistachios says:

    I was reading this thinking that Moo seems to have a good bedtime routine – just lots of hugs – so maybe that’s the way to go. But if I have to stick my leg in someone’s face, that could get awkward, so I’ll probably just stick with my way of going to bed: pottering around the house wondering if I’m sleepy enough yet.

    My dentist friend will appreciate that you included floss as well as brush teeth. She reckons not enough people floss regularly.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I’ve heard if you don’t floss, you have to have the scaling. I floss to prevent scaling! LOL
      Moo is very clever and lovable and is usually the first person to fall asleep, so her method is effective 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Those Tibetan lamps are intensely bright, are they not?

    this was fun. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Bill says:

    I need glasses to shave, but then forget they’re there when face washing. Falling in the sink happens. I applaud you energy and love. May you find the sleep you need. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  21. AmyRose🌹 says:

    Joey, TRASH BIN is for the offensive comments. Ban them. Don’t put up with that shit.

    Bladder …. sorry it only gets worse. 3 is my magic number these days. I make nightly runs to the bathroom. Bladder duty calls.

    I get so pissed when I forget to have a pair of readers upstairs cuz ya know that age thing …. the eyes aren’t the same, and damn ya can’t see.

    Books are great to fall asleep. They are magic. Open a book begin to read, and I guarantee, two pages MAX later you are dead to the world still sitting up. Yup. Speaking from experience.

    Screw the dryer or anything or anyone who gets in the way of your pillow. We women need our sleep!

    XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thank you, Amy. I think I may be ready for a glasses chain or a clip…
      I wish reading put me to sleep, but books keep me awake. Even the ‘dull’ ones…
      I’ve never banned anyone. I’ll keep it in mind, tho 🙂

      Like

  22. Jewels says:

    I love this! ❤ Hope you had a great weekend, Joey! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Anxious Mom says:

    The land of “gonna do one thing” and then a hundred other things pop up. I make it to bed, but if I remember I need to take the clothes out of the dryer, by the time I get halfway there, I’m sidetracked by 10 other things. (Things that need to be done that are invisible to everyone but me.)

    Liked by 1 person

  24. darsword says:

    Except for the offspring I empathize with this whole stream! Oops, I may have to hit the toilet now!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Ally Bean says:

    Word. The older I get the more *maintenance* is required prior to bedtime. No one tells you that about aging gracefully, now do they? I liked your post. It made me smile.

    Liked by 2 people

  26. Matt Roberts says:

    I can’t believe how much I love this. You took something so simple like going to bed and turned it into a movie that was hysterical. Oh, to spend a moment in your head.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Simply brilliant. I haven’t laughed this hard in years.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. larva225 says:

    OMG, hilarious! I now ignore my husband and children when they laugh at me for putting the readers on over my glasses (after I’ve taken out my contacts, of course), but my bonus child for the summer has been really confused. And I wish I could use a sleep mask to darken those Tibetan lights, but my eyes end up feeling claustrophobic.

    Like

  29. Prior... says:

    Really fun…
    moo got some
    Nice hugs!

    Like

  30. JoAnna says:

    So much LOVE and humor in your home! I remember when my teenage daughter used to have meltdowns at 10pm when I had to work the next day and was a single mom and exhausted. It’s quieter now, but I still neglect to moisturize sufficiently, so good for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Laura says:

    omg, Joey, SO MUCH THIS. I’m sitting here laughing/peeing/wondering if I have water to take my nightly pills/searching for my readers/wondering how I’ll get to bed before 2am. You are NOT the worst going-to-bedder. I suspect you have a whole lot of company there. 😆

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Amy says:

    Ha!Ha! I can totally relate. Not on the readers, but the rest…absolutely!

    Liked by 1 person

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