I am Not the Chainsaw Lady

Friend of my friend…family of my other friend…could be my long lost kin…

We’ll call him Mr. F, cause my ball of people is so intertwined, y’all, I couldn’t even begin to explain how tightly wrapped my ball of people is…

Anyway, Mr. F, who is not at all affiliated with Mr. F from Arrested Development, came to the house today with a ladder and a saw and a bucket. He came to trim back my green apple tree and clean out my gutters, God love’im!

It’s supposed to ice over again tonight. I’ll have you know, I will be so much more at peace, knowing my apple tree will not weigh down power lines, and melting snow won’t run into my drywall, and I even got some ice-melty-sandy stuff! I am prepared!

how i can spend the next ice storm...

how i can spend the next ice storm…

Initially, I called the power company about the apple tree. I said, “If we had more apples, or a good ice storm, I think that line might come down.” That was a wonderful conversation wherein the lady told me I was responsible for keeping my trees off the lines, because they only trim trees that run pole-to-pole, and this particular line happens to run pole-to-house.

I have a pruning saw. An electric whirring thing, that I use to trim my hedges. Since I had a sixty-foot hedge at my last Indiana home, I all but begged The Mister to buy me a chainsaw. Apparently, there’s something about me that makes me not qualified to handle a chainsaw. He might say it’s because I’m clumsy, or because I’m small, or because I have weak hands, but I think it all translates to how I don’t have a penis.
“Just a little chainsaw?”
“It would make it so much quicker!”

With no hope of getting a chainsaw, I called a few tree trimming places. Hahahaha! They quoted me $500-1000 to trim. I was all, “Nooo, you don’t understand. These are twenty-to-thirty feet from the ground, just a few skinny branches. You don’t need a cherry picker or anything like that. I could do it myself if I could handle a chainsaw…”

i can't believe she's not wearing a slip!

i can’t believe she’s not wearing a slip!

Apparently, they understood me just fine, and I guess they make fifty bucks a minute to cut down tiny tree limbs when they’re not ma’amin the hell out of people on the phone.

As Mr. F trimmed the tree, I hauled the branches off to The Back Forty. It took about fifteen minutes, maybe twenty, for him to clear the the power lines. He cut back larger branches on the side, so I wouldn’t be in the same predicament next year. When he was done, I said, “I fail to see why anyone should be paid five hundred to a thousand dollars for that amount of work.” He just laughed.

While he cleaned the gutters, I raked the front yard.

i wore pink cotton pajamas and my barn jacket, but i looked just like this...

i wore pink cotton pajamas, boots, and my barn jacket, but i looked just like this, i bet…

There is somethin so rewarding about yard work. I looked a mess, the cold gave me a runny nose, the raking gave me sore shoulders, draggin the limbs of the tree hurt my hands, but I just loved it! Smell of damp leaves, sun on my face, gentle cool breeze, Mr. F and his favors.

I reckon he’ll get the first apple pie of the season.

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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20 Responses to I am Not the Chainsaw Lady

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    Mr. F rocks! Everyone should have a Mr. F in their life! And also someone who has an apple tree because you can make a helluva lot of stuff out of apples….all of it YUMMY!
    Also, I bet you look just like the yellow-dress lady ALL the time! 😉


  2. words4jp says:

    Go ahead – admit it – the photos are you! Do not be modest – you are hot;)

    Seriously though, good job. And yes, Mr. F should get the first pie of the season;)


  3. Aussa Lorens says:

    I would never have thought there would be sexy pictures of women handling yard equipment?! Way to go, internets… and I’m glad you’re ready for the next ice storm… they’re nothing to mess with… Ma’am.


  4. Kat's Den says:

    SLOP (Significant Lack of Penis) syndrome is a real syndrome. It’s a condition of the male brain that causes them to seek out those without one whenever any muscle related task is under consideration, but only if the neighbors might be watching.


  5. Sherry says:

    Well, come on down here…I have plenty of work for ya! lol..a good handyman is priceless… we have one…and well, I think I came close to buying him a new truck last year with all the work we give him…priceless I tell ya.


  6. Everyone should have a Mr. We have a Mr. B….. we are so blessed with having him for a neighbour. He’s come to our rescue too many times to count. We are lucky ladies Joey!


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  8. I trimmed a friends tree one fall with a pair of tree clippers. By the time I was done my hands ached so much I had to take pain killers, my arms had numbed up to the shoulders and I literally moaned in pain each time I inadvertently flinched or moved without preparing myself…Mr F is awesome to you! PS: I still don’t own a chainsaw, but next trim I took Mike and made him do the work while we supervised 🙂


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