Officer Opie Gets a Date

As I mentioned in my Whorin Myself Out post, I once got out of a ticket by accepting a date with the officer in question. Yes, I’m aware that’s completely sexist. Yes, I know he was abusing his authority. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was a poor college student and he was cute. Maybe sometimes two wrongs make a right.

He pulled me over on I-69 (I’ll give you a few moments to recover…) and I was probably goin about 75, because that’s how fast I drive in the 65, unless I’m in Atlanta, in which one must drive 90mph to stay alive.

The date was kind of a bust. He took me to a very country club type place, heavy on red meat and hunter green plaid. He spent a great deal of time braggin on himself and tellin me how it would be when I got out into “the real world.”

I declined a second date, but I didn’t get a ticket.


I’ve gotten out of 8 speeding tickets.

Before we were married, The Mister was once my passenger when I got pulled over. I was going 72 in the 65. We remember this event completely differently. He says the cop made excuses for me, and I say a warning was good enough for 7mph over.

I also got pulled over for weaving, because I was trying to get my drinking straw open on eastbound I-70. In my defense, there was no one around me, because it was before 7am on a weekend. I’m sure that’s why I got let off, and it had nothing to do with the little black dress and bedhead from the night before.

I did get a ticket once, in a freakin school zone. I was going 40 in the 25. I didn’t know it was a school zone. I never even saw the sign. Two things; one, I had five little people in the minivan, and two, it was a church school way off the road. I am not the kind of person who speeds on secondary roads, let alone in school zones. I paid my $150 and chalked it up to the end of an era.

The Mister likes to pick on me about my driving, calling me Marietta Andretti and whatnot, but he always likes it when I drive on trips, because IΒ make good time. I make up for all the slow driving and getting stuck that he does.

I kick his ass in Mario Kart, too.

Do you drive? Do you wanna share your traffic violations with me?

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Officer Opie Gets a Date

  1. Well You made me smile. I’m a bloke of course so the grinning and saying “You’ve got lovely ears ollicer” after a few drinks and a small amount of speeding and swerving is unlikely to get me out of being arrested or getting a ticket. I was pulled over by a female traffic cop when I was in my twenties and I remember very clearly that she was both attractive and not bossy or too preachy about whatever I’d done wrong. I was too lost in her prettiness, and still am in some ways, to remember my exact offence, but I was too shy to ask her on a date and I’m sure she was to wise to accept one.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. baldjake70 says:

    Okay, let’s be clear about something that was missing from the ticket she got out of that I witnessed. She reached that speed before getting off of the on ramp. I could hear the entire excuse gate done by the State Trooper because he was on my side of the car. Also, the seat belt was strategically placed for him to stutter and stammer, which he did fall all over himself making excuses for your speed!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You are my mentor. I only got out of three tickets…and nabbed on the fourth. That female cop had no sympathy…grrrr. And I also got pulled over in a school zone, but luckily “Mr. Chippendale’s Police Officer” let me go. Ironically, I wrote a blog about it wa-a-a-a-ay back. So funny!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Carrie Rubin says:

    I got out of a ticket once when I was speeding to get to my clinic. The officer pulled in behind me in the clinic parking lot. I got out of the car with my 39-week pregnant belly, apologized profusely, and told him I was running late but I knew that wasn’t a good excuse. He took mercy on me in my exhausted, big-bellied state and didn’t give me a ticket. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. April says:

    I’ve had one speeding ticket from a lady officer who appeared to be extremely nervous. But…I believe I got my driver’s license because the officer giving the test told me I had beautiful. It didn’t matter if I could back around a corner or parallel park. I passed with a 98% πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Susan says:

    Being in scrubs and having your stethoscope around your neck helps – you get warnings, and told to go home and get some rest πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Josh Wrenn says:

    Okay, first…”He pulled me over on I-69 (I’ll give you a few moments to recover…)” made me laugh so loud I woke Hannah up from her nap. I will always be 12 in my mind.
    Okay now for your question. I posted once about a ticket I got that I totally deserved from a really nice cop that honestly did not want to give me the ticket. Poor guy. No sexism involved, as I am pretty sure neither of us was attracted to the other. I also posted once about a warning I got from a jerk cop who yelled in my face, where I wish he would have shut up and written me the ticket. There is another time I didn’t post about when I was going 90 in a 70 early in the morning from Verdi to Reno, NV. The NHP officer caught up with me about 6 miles after I passed his speed trap and was livid. Especially when I asked how fast he had to go to catch up to me if I was going 90 and how that was interesting because he didn’t even hit his lights until he was right behind me. He said he didn’t have to turn on his lights, I told him not to lecture me for being dangerous then because he was even worse. He got pissed and started yelling at me, and I asked him if he was going to take me in or shut up and issue the ticket already. He gave me the ticket, I thanked him for writing the spot where he was hiding when he clocked me on it so I would know to slow down before getting there and speeding up again, and wished him a nice day. I worked nights at the time, so I went to court and challenged it because I could, said something about picking up speed down the hill and going with the flow of traffic (2 other cars on the road, but who cares?), and got it knocked down to $25 in court fees. Win for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. markbialczak says:

    I drive. I try not to go more than 10 above on the highway, 5 on the regular roads, none in school zones. My last violation was the doozie, while impaired, 14 years ago when they caught me in a speed trap getting down from 40 to 30 too late, right at the turn onto the little road leading to my backwoods trailer I lived in after the divorce. I had been out since Happy Hour. Paid the fine, went to the state-mandated classes, never again, Joey.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. 4wallsnaroof says:

    I’ve only been pulled over twice. Once for “Disco Driving” (exactly what it sounds like) two weeks after I’d gotten my license. Had a car load of girlfriends. Told the officer I was trying to figure out how to work the defroster. He gave me a warning. Second time I was going 40 in a 25. The officer let me go because it was the day after my 30th birthday and he said no one should have to turn 30 and get a ticket in the same week. He was kind of flirting too.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Anxious Mom says:

    Wow! Getting out of 8 must be some kind of record πŸ˜€ I’ve been pulled over once when I was 20 or 21 (going 20 MPH over the limit) and got out of it thanks to some well-timed tears. That’s it, knock on wood.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. reocochran says:

    O liked the story behind one of those “Get out of Jail free cards” Joey! The little black dress and bed head. This got me chuckling. Mom made me read it out loud. We have a st rte 70 that goes from Columbus to Dayton to Indy. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Matt Roberts says:

    I’ve gotten out of DUI’s so many times, I finally realized I had most likely wore out my luck, so I stopped drinking and driving. I absolutely will not now. Here’s one of those times, and definitely the most interesting.

    I was working in radio then, got up at 4 AM and at work by 5. I was also, in my spare time, a “manager” for a friends jam band, except I more or less just used that to get into the shows for free and drink on their tab, which was also free. I did record their shows, so I was actually “working” but anyway…

    One Friday I woke at 4 and went to work. I got off that day at 1 PM and spent the rest of the day building websites and doing whatever. About 6 PM I went to my buddy’s house and hung out with the band, getting our early party on, and by 7 we were headed to a local venue for their show that night.

    I helped them carry their equipment inside as always, and because they were the last to play that night, we partied until they had to go on while listening to the other bands. Because they were a jam band, they attracted the local hippie kids and other drugged out people, so the parties were usually full of drugs and tons of alcohol.

    By the time the band went on, we were all in another place, another realm. They closed the bar at 2:30, we loaded the stuff back into the cars and headed back to my buddy’s house. Since I rode with him, I slept on the way back to his house, for about 20 minutes.

    They were having an after party there, which they always did, but I told him I had to go home and sleep. I left his house, extremely intoxicated and very tired, got on the highway, and headed for home. When I was almost there I happened to see a White Castle off the coming exit, decided that would be amazing, and got in line at the drive-thru.

    They were busy, naturally, so I had to wait. When it was my turn to order, I did so, then pulled up one car length and immediately passed the fuck out. Car still in drive and about 5 cars behind me.

    Did I mention it was February and about 10 degrees outside? I had been driving with the heat on and as soon as I rolled my window down, that cold air hit me and I was done. Because it was at night, there was an officer on duty inside the White Castles, and he noticed I was asleep at the wheel, and naturally I happened to be at a White Castle at the time when all the drunk people stop in when the bars close.

    He shined his flashlight in my face and I awoke with a “What the fuck?!” My window was still down. Luckily when I went out I hadn’t taken my foot off of the brakes and I hadn’t run into the back of the car in front of me, although by this point there was about 2 car lengths in front of me to pull up. The people behind me were pissed.

    The officer asked how much I had to drink and I said, “What?” He asked again and I told him I had been up since 4 AM, which I had, and at this point it was exactly 24 hours I had been up. I told him I was tired and just wanted to get some food and go home to bed. By this point I had also not had any food for about 12 hours, but plenty of other things to help make me hungry.

    He told me to go park somewhere because he had 2 officers coming to give me a sobriety test. The parking lot, as well as most everything else, was covered in snow and ice. I could just barely make out a yellow line here and there, but I parked and made sure to park as perfectly as I could, which I nailed.

    The officers showed up, spoke with the officer from inside the Castle, and then came to get me. I stepped outside and they asked me why I had fallen asleep in the drive-thru. I told them again how I had been up for 24 hours and I was hungry and tired and just wanted to go to bed. They told me to walk with them to a spot in the parking lot where there were no cars, because they wanted me to walk the line.

    The line they wanted me to walk, I could just barely see through the snow and ice. It was a well lit spot, which was awesome, because not only was I on a main road right off the highway with tons of traffic on a Friday night at 4 AM, but the White Castles was packed inside and out, and the gas station across the street was also packed. And everybody was watching me, and I knew it.

    Also, did I mention I didn’t have a coat on? I was frozen, and almost immediately sobered up once I started shivering. I nailed the line walk. They then had me keep my head in place and follow their finger with my eyes only. The first time they did the finger thing the male officer who was doing the test said, “I don’t know…” The female officer (who was really cute and really short) said she didn’t know either. I had been shivering, so I apologized for it, but they said they understood and decided to give me the test again. That time I focused really hard and nailed it too. The male officer said, “I’m just not seeing it.” The female officer agreed.

    They walked me back to my car and once again asked me why I fell asleep and I told them. I know why they do that. They want to make sure I don’t change my story up. I got back in my car, they told me to have a good night and drive safe, and I thanked them and left.

    My heart was racing and I knew I had just spit in the devil’s face and was allowed to leave with my life. But then… I was almost home and I realized I had forgotten to get the food I ordered.

    Man, sometimes I just have the worst luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt Roberts says:

      Sorry for the novella lol.


    • joey says:

      HA! I have never driven under the influence — not even a glass of wine or half an Ativan. I’m too scared to do it. I know too many people whose lives have been ended and ruined by it. I figure if something happened I’d never know if it was an honest mistake or if it’s because I was altered, and I don’t think my conscience could bear it.
      A few weeks ago, I drank so much I wanted White Castles — I’m glad you understand it’s a real and true thing! The Mister refused to go out at 11:50pm to get me White Castles, telling me they were probably closed. I said I used to take HME’s drunk ass to the drive-thru at 3 and 4am, so I was sure they were open! We went there the next day for lunch. On Twitter, White Castle told me they’re open 24 hours to accommodate their drunks, and I said AHA! but I need a husband open 24 hours too!
      Passing out happens when you least expect it hahaha!
      Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad you don’t do it anymore! πŸ˜€


Comments are closed.