Choose Your Lies Carefully

Over at Dramatic Momolgue (Best titles ever, by the by) you should see the incredible Tooth Fairy-Saving design she’s come up with.
I was totally jealous and immediately thought of climbin up the freakin bunk bed and diggin around under Bubba’s pillow for the itty bitty, teeny tiny teeth. Ugh.

Let me be clear: I never wanted to be The Tooth Fairy.

Drew told me (what she thought was) a charming story about how The Tooth Fairy collects the teeth to build her castle.
Disgusting and disturbing, am I right?

But see, we had another parent to contend with, and if one parent sets up the idea of the Tooth Fairy, then the child is all excited about the Tooth Fairy and you’re screwed.

So we had to Tooth Fairy for many years. *sigh*

I never liked it.
I’m a total killjoy about the imaginary characters of childhood. No creepy elves at my house, no Santa, no Easter Bunny, and no Tooth Fairy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, magic of childhood, blah blah blah, fuck off with that noise.

I don’t think parents should lie to their children. Lies do not promote trust. I’m sure if you lie to your kids it works just fine, but I ain’t lyin to mine. much
I say terrible things to my children. Just terrible things that don’t correspond to society’s norms or expectations:
“Your goldfish died. We’re all gonna die.”


It’s not that hard, you can explain away the things other kids say. After all, these are people who tell your child how babies are made, or that giving the finger means I Hate You, and some of them have different gods and holidays, so you’ve already established the upper hand here.

At some point, Sissy came home and told me that her friend had a special Tooth Fairy who left presents, and she wanted that Tooth Fairy instead.
Fine. Whatever.
Presents. Sure.
We figured our other offspring were going to have teeth, but we thought we could avoid the whole Tooth Fairy Debacle. We would not espouse this ridiculous tradition.




Of course, we didn’t think our child would be addicted to her pacifier, either. Sassy was a giantesse at three, so she looked six, walkin around with her precious pacifiers. One in the mouth, one in each hand. She’d take it out to eat and drink and to speak, but she had to have at least one pacifier at all times.
The dentist was all, “Now. Get rid of the pacifier now. It’s starting to shape her palate.”
I was a teacher, I took lotsa child development and EdPsych. It was beyond oral fixation, we had potty-trained and we had self-weaned. Can you believe my child dared to be not-textbook?!?
We grew weary of paying the older children to hunt for ming-mings.
And then, on the interwebz, I read a story about the Magical Ming-Ming Fairy, who would collect all the ming-mings from the windowsill and disperse them to all the new babies who needed them, and I was all, “YES, I WILL LIE TO MY CHILD.”

binkyfairy2So we paid extra to the older children that night. The Great Pacifier Round-Up.
We told Sassy this lie and for good measure, threw in how her cousin would be born and would need a ming-ming. She put all the ming-mings on the windowsill.
It worked.



When I was ever-so-pregnant with Moo, probably this week 13 years ago, I scraped off my car, and loaded up the baby to take Bubba and Sissy to school. My tummy barely fit behind the wheel. Ugh.
It was then eight-year-old Sissy informed me she lost a tooth.
I didn’t even skip a beat, “Well that’s just too damn bad. The Tooth Fairy is way too pregnant to go shoppin today.” Bubba laughed and laughed. I handed Sissy money. Like, all the paper bills in my purse. Like, a five and some ones. She was not unhappy.


Years later, when Sassy came home talkin about her loose tooth and The Tooth Fairy, I told her the charming story Drew told me, only I made it sound as sinister and nasty as could be.


I told her like Santa Claus and Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy doesn’t visit our house. I told her when she lost a tooth, she could bring it to me and I’d give her money. For some reason, she seemed relieved.

Happy Friday! Choose your lies carefully!

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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39 Responses to Choose Your Lies Carefully

  1. larva225 says:

    First off, thanks! You’re too kind. Secondly, that IS creepy – a castle made of teeth. And finally, I guess I adore fibbing to my kids for the moment. It gives me as much of a silliness outlet as it gives them pleasure. I figure they’ll forgive me since they ended up with swag. (BTW, the binky fairy was a stroke of genius!)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Luanne says:

    You are too freaken hilarious! A castle made of teeth? Sounds better than the old story about the vagina with teeth or vagina dentata!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think it must be easier with less kids. We have three and were about done with that crap after all those years. Interestingly enough, I wrote about the binky thief in The Playground.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. orbthefirst says:

    I dont remember how old I was, but I do recall putting 2 & 2 & a half together as a kid when ma said that the tooth fairy didnt have any change. 😛
    And they never really pushed the whole Santa thing with me, though they did go through the motions. Id be all “Thanks ma.” when Id get something and shed give me this look & say “No, thats from SANTA.” I remember watching my dad put together stuff Id gotten for xmas one year (I think I was 9. It was a pinball machine..) the night before, and we just went with it from there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      OMG My mother did the same thing! And when I was an adult, even! “Santa brought you that!” Ooookaaaaay.
      Your pinball machine story reminds me of the night my mother and I were in Papa’s shed til 1am, puttin together a dollhouse! lol I had it shipped to Florida so they wouldn’t suspect, but then we were drinkin, and kinda laughter and much loud and I was so afraid they could hear us!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Dan Antion says:

    I broke a bridge last year. Three teeth gone at once. The dentist gave me a pretty big bill. I think I should have gotten presents. What’s the point? I mean, I don’t remember an age limit on the fairy. I sense you rustling through your pocketbook, it’s OK, I’m good. No cash required.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Ally Bean says:

    I was scared of the tooth fairy. I didn’t want some stranger lurking around me when I slept, so I asked my mom if we could put my tooth on the other side of the room on a dresser where the tooth fairy could find it. Mom happily said “yes.” I got my money AND the tooth fairy had an easy gig with me. Talk about a win-win.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. marianallen says:

    It broke my heart when my mom told me there was no Easter Bunny. I had already seen her carrying Santa presents down from the attic and cried for happy because I knew we didn’t have much money but she somehow managed those great gifts at Christmas. But I cried with a broken heart over the Easter Bunny. Just didn’t want ALL the magic gone, I guess. Our older kids figured out Santa et al and just let it go. The youngest tumbled to the truth right in front of my eyes and thought it was the greatest “trick” she’d ever heard. “So all the grownups everywhere play this trick to make things fun for kids? And now I get to help play the trick, too?”

    Liked by 2 people

  8. cindy knoke says:

    Oh I so loved the tooth fairy!!! The only thing that pissed me off was when she gave some of my friends more money. Actually, maybe I didn’t love her that much…..

    Liked by 2 people

  9. We did it all. Except the Easter Bunny. We had pet rabbits…so maybe ? I was sad when they gave up on Santa, I tried to push it past a natural limit. They played along, humored me. Then the magic was gone. We survived. ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      My mother played Santa with me until I moved out of the house. I’d be 20 and all, “Thank you for –” and she’d say, “Santa brought you that. Didn’t you read the tag?!?” 😛
      I think if you enjoy that magic, it’s true magic!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. A castle made of teeth? Yuk! I never believed in either the tooth fairy or Santa when I grew up and we didn’t do either with our girls. We did have one daughter who, although she didn’t use a pacifier much, had one thumb in her mouth and the other hand twirling her already-curly hair a good deal of the time. Fortunately, she (and we) survived, although she did go through braces, which may or may not be related to the thumb-sucking.

    Happy Friday and weekend, Joey.


    Liked by 1 person

  11. lorriedeck says:

    We did it all. When my daughter was 7 she dropped one of her baby teeth down the heating grate. We couldn’t remove the grate to get the tooth out…also couldn’t see the tooth, but it was down there. She cried and cried about the tooth fairy. Next morning, she found a dollar on the heating grate. Years later when we remodeled and pulled up the floor, and the grate….found the tooth.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. loisajay says:

    My co-worker was aghast when I told her that Elf on the Shelf totally creeped me out. How sacrilegious am I? Really? You cannot touch that damn thing but he can move all over your house and watch you all the time? I stand by my ‘totally creeped out’ statement.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Benson says:

    Ah the slippery slope of prevarication. They become much easier after the first. I never messed with the whole Tooth Fairy thing. I never experienced it so I didn’t understand it. The Mother did. She made a special little pouch for the tooth even. I have no idea what she did with the teeth.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. dalecooper57 says:

    Yeah, I’m all for the removal of bullshit made up stuff like Santa, the Easter bunny and all that crap, it’s just pandering to a bunch of smug marketing bastards anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. My mom did it all. When I found out about Santa from the other kids at 6?7? she did the coolest thing. She said Santa was the spirit of giving and now I got to help. Stockings were always the best thing — it was a way for us all to know that other’s KNEW us — little funny htings we wanted. A game of memory, if you will. Older kids got some makeup. The point was, Stocking were and are the best part of Santa-Xmas because everyone participated in giving the silly little figts anonymously to my mom (later me) who stuffed the stockings. And after all, iconography is all about representing something in manifest form — be it sculpture or stories. And stop trying to fake me out with the snow on the sides of the blogpost!
    Truely funny writing…

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thank you 🙂
      Yes, I do understand the spirit of the season and all that Miracle on 34th Street business, but it is not my thing.
      That fake snow on my blog is a wish for the real thing 😛


  16. reocochran says:

    Whatever helps a parent to get through his or her day easier I am ALL on board, Joey! I was a poor since Mom who left quarters. When my kids found out there were kids who got more $, I decided to say, “Life isn’t fair and tooth fairy sometimes gets help or extra money from parents who have more to begin with. . .” I didn’t give up and figured this covered those expensive gifts from Santa, too. 🙂 My kids still loved me anyway. ❤


  17. Laura says:

    oh my gosh, I am DYING here. I always hated the tooth fairy thing! But we got sucked in and then it was all 2am waking up in a sweat because we’d totally forgotten to do it, except the kid who lost the tooth wakes up when a butterfly farts in China so he’s ALWAYS wake up when we turned his doorknob. I mean, who needs that level of stress in their life over a freaking tooth, right??

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Anxious Mom says:

    We had planned not to do Santa or any of it, but succumbed to pressure from six outraged grandparents. We do a lite version of Santa (and the other made up characters), in which there’s no true naughty/nice list (besides joking around) and we give Santa money for one present and everything else is from us.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. garym6059 says:

    OMG I’m in love with you, can we get married adopt kids or whatever. No fictitious creatures? No elves, santa, etc….. Hell just have the Mister add me as a surrogate hubs or something. Be like the show Big Love. I live in a different house or something. If you knew how many arguments I had in a past life with this whole part of childhood ritual b.s.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. We ended up letting the kids set the precedent based on what they came to us with. I have always had an active imagination so I enjoy watching the “magic” through their eyes. The youngest created the most work! She left a note for the “tooth fairy” asking for a photo of her and she liked to spell out a reindeers name in the carrots she left for them 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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