The Crud

The Mister and I are sick with the crud. We know it’s the crud because we watched Sassy go through the crud last week and we probably got her crud not from affectionating her, but by collecting her cruddy tissues. We felt she was unnecessarily babyish and dramatic during the crud and we did affectionate her magnificently.

It began Saturday night when we had guests. I kept sayin a lot of dust got stirred up, cause we had cleaned the windows and opened them, and we’re an allergic bunch. But on Sunday, I woke up bizarrely cold with a throat that felt as if I had swallowed glass and I got worse throughout the day, not better. When you’re cold to the bone and your head weighs three hundred pounds, it’s hard to deny the crud.

The Mister chose to hibernate in the bedroom.
He put my quilt and pillows in the dryer for awhile and then I made a warm and toasty sofa bed, where I cocooned in the warmth. Medusa hair, tissues threaded up my nose, much snore, many pretty.
I felt unnecessarily babyish and dramatic. I thought I may have caught a man cold, ffs.

When we went to bed Sunday night, I hoped a dose of NyQuil and a good night’s sleep would right me, whereas he was all, “If I feel like this tomorrow, I cannot go to work tomorrow.” For a brief moment, I doubted the power of the La Fee Verte de NyQuil, but I wanted to believe. I had all the hope of a woman tissue-walrus.

Monday at seven, I woke Sassy up and went back to sleep, not waking again til ten. I cleaned all the crusties off my face, blew my nose 20 or so times, pulled on my ears, cleared my throat and then went back to lying down, because my head must surely have weighed two hundred pounds.
Finally, I sat up and shot a text to my boss. I read it five times to be sure it made sense. I kinda wanted to say I could maybe make it, if I drove the secondary roads, in my gray pajamas, smellin like Vick’s, no talking on the phone…I could prolly still get some things done…

Benson said I needed chicken soup. I did. I did need chicken soup. We needed chicken soup.
I had been naggin Moo for eatin all the Campbell’s, cause when I’m sick, ain’t nobody makin me chicken soup.
Well I had a chicken carcass in the freezer and a fresh buncha thighs in the fridge, so I set out to make chicken soup.
(When I wasn’t working and I had a regular fridge, I was pretty good at keeping stock ingredients and even stock itself. Now, not so much. My freezer is stupid because side-by-sides are stupid and their stupid freezers are the stupidest parts. But thank you for still working, Stupid Side-By-Side Fridge.)


Once I had the chicken simmering with its garlic and onion and herbs, I said to The Mister, “I am making chicken soup. Now will you go out to get carrots and celery and noodles?”
He gave me the look.
“You mean physically go out to the store and purchase them?”
“Never mind, I’ll go.”
More the look.
“I’ll go. It’s fine.”
i don’t think i should drive and you don’t even have hair or hafta put on a bra and i am cookin the soup, but whatever, i will do everything, it’s fiiine
I was too sick to fight properly.

I mustered energy to put my coat and boots on my gray pajama-clad body and The Mister asked, “You’re goin out like that?!?”
oh see, i’m not always beautiful afterall, eh?
“I’m siiiiick!”

He said to sit down.
I stood there, needing noodles.
“Sit down. I’ll go. Just sit down.”
“I –”
“Sit down. I said I’ll go.”
“I done asked you to go and you –”
“I said sit down, Woman! I’m the head of the household!”
“Oh you –”
“It says so in the bible!” he teased.
“I don’t take anything in the New Testament even remotely seriously.”
“It’s in the Old Testament.”
“No it’s not.”
“Yes it is!”
“No it’s not! It’s in Ephesians!”
“Fuckin Paul.”

When you are both so sick you can’t fight properly and your husband comes at you with a bible verse. JFC.

He took my scrawled list to the store and a bit later he text me.
“What kind of onions?”
that ain’t right. onions? i don’t need onions. i have a whole drawer of onions.
I called him. “The list should read carrots, celery, and noodles. I don’t know why I wrote onions. We don’t need onions.”
head full of snot, no room for brain

We FaceTimed for the cold meds. He was lookin for somethin blue or green or clear or pill; I’d bought DayQuil for Sassy, but I didn’t want to drink red dye because rashes.

Then he asked what kind of lozenges to get. In the background, a man sang out, “Riiicola!” and I said, on FaceTime, “I don’t care, I’ll suck on anything.”

Once he got home, I washed and chopped and added to the pot.


i like a lil soup with my pepper, okay?


The flowers he brought home have dyed stems, so the water turns pink!
Enough of the red dye, People! Enough!


that water tacky af

We ate our soup, took our medicine, snored our snores, snotted our tissues, and we even survived Tuesday, when we got dressed and took our one-hundred pound heads to work and prolly got some stuff done. Since I’m so romantic, on the way home, I stopped at the drug store and bought The Mister tissues to take to work today.

Now my head only weighs about fifty pounds, so that’s nice.

It’s Wednesday, did you find any One-Liners?


About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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66 Responses to The Crud

  1. msgt3227 says:

    *sniff* *koff, koff* like you said! it only had me down for 9 days! get better faster! And yes, the man is the head of the house (please don’t tell The Mrs I said that…)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Benson says:

    Be careful you almost make the crud sound like fun. I am glad you guys are feeling better. I think the biggest suck is the suck of having the whole family sick at once. Chicken soup is a miracle and a cure for ills too numerous to list. Also it doesn’t have any red dyes in it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I know that’s right. Moo’s walkin around, breathin through her nose, thinkin clearly — SUCH A SHOWOFF! Gah. I hope she doesn’t get it though.
      Thank heavens for chicken soup! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ally Bean says:

    My husband had the crud two weeks ago. I’m sorry you have it now. Not sure what to make of the red water in the vase. It’s rather vampiric. Instead of romantic.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. orbthefirst says:

    “All the hope of a woman tissue walrus.”

    Yup. Thats one for the books. 😛 Feel better!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. you are hysterically funny when you have the crud.

    Case in point:

    “My freezer is stupid because side-by-sides are stupid and their stupid freezers are the stupidest parts. But thank you for still working, Stupid Side-By-Side Fridge.”

    And you even manage to show gratitude!

    So, while I want to wish you a speedy recover, I am torn, ya know? Because I love reading your stuffy -nosed stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. lorriedeck says:

    Oh man, I hate it when I have to be a tissue walrus. Hope you’re feeling better.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Joanne Sisco says:

    “I read it five times to be sure it made sense.” That’s me everyday even when I’m bright-eyed and clear-headed. I blame senior-brain.

    Sorry about your crud, but you do make it sound entertaining … “you don’t even have hair or hafta put on a bra and i am cookin the soup, but whatever, i will do everything, it’s fiiine” – yup! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  8. jan says:

    My grandmother used to call the cruds the “highkondeflops.” Hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Your one liner…”head full of snot, no room for brain” ! Sorry you got the crud, the soup is so worth the effort. I buy bones and freeze quarts of broth about every 2 months or so…I use them all ! And that red floral water is new to me..Yuck ! Feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      That red floral water is dreadful. I almost moved it to a porcelain vase, but honestly, I’m worried it will stain. I just keep draining and adding new. :/
      I miss my deep freeze, yo. I’m glad you have the stock stocked!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Sorry you’re all down with the crud. Hope it doesn’t make a second lap like some of them do. Your descriptions of being sick are wonderful, if that helps any.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. John Holton says:

    I don’t think in 39+ years of marriage both of us have been sick at the same time. Now, boogerhead (when you’re sinuses are jam-packed with liquid boogers) we get all the time, but we don’t call that sick. I hope the two of you survive.

    As for one-liners, the one that jumped out at me was “Fuckin’ Paul!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Yeah, that was a good one 🙂 Now that you mention it, I’m not sure we’d both been sick at the same time before, either. We’re pullin through, John. The crud can only last so long!


  12. Alice says:

    Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Ohdearohdearohdearohdearohdearohdear.

    It probably means I’m a very bad person, doesn’t it, that all I can think while reading this is, “how HYSTERICALLY FUNNY Joey gets when writing about headcolds! She should get sick more often!! Like maybe ALL THE TIME!!!”

    Oh dear. Yup. Very bad person, with very bad thoughts about very nice people…with headcolds.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. marianallen says:

    Many one liners in this post. Favorite: Fuckin Paul. Priceless. I had a kind of crud that did not make my head heavy but did all the other things, including the tissues stuffed up the nose (so sexy!). I worship you like Martha Stewart for making chicken noodle soup instead of sending the Mister out for Campbell’s or ordering moo gai pan delivered and adding water or something. You are the queen!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      See, the problem was, the people would come home and they’d want food and there wasn’t enough Campbell’s left for all of us because Moo, and I did have most of the stuff, and you know no one makes moo goo gai pan with any love. I needed magic food made with love! 🙂
      Thanks, Marian, I liked Fuckin Paul too 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Jewels says:

    I had a bad case of the crud back in January and had to make my own chicken soup too. Hope you (and The Mister) feel better soon. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Skipah says:

    Knock on wood I’ve been crud free so far this year :), but if and when I do get it I’m ordering a bowl of your chicken soup. I’ll even send Miss Madison to get it!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. bikerchick57 says:

    I really hate the crud that makes the head weigh 300 pounds. Makes it hard to stand up. I’m glad things have lightened up a bit for you and the Mister. Take care of yourself, eat some soup and rest up or you might have to send the Mister out again for kleenex and more drugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. darsword says:

    LOL! I hate to laugh at someone who’s sick but that was a well-done, literary, effigy of a crud! I’ve never had so much fun watchin’ someone be sick. But that soup looks delicious! Seriously, get well! Gentle, long-distance (germ-free) hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Dan Antion says:

    If I hadn’t already posted my one-liner, post, I’d steal “I had all the hope of a woman tissue-walrus.” The imagery is perfection.

    I hop you guys are feeling better. Nicely done.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I hope everyone is feeling better now.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Laura says:

    Oh, there’s nothing like REAL chicken soup when you feel cruddy…


  21. Oh man! Hope your are feeling better. My daughter is trying to get the crud… it’s been hanging out at borderline, but she’s getting nervous because school soccer tryouts are Monday and Tuesday. One of my son’s is starting on a sore throat. Then the hubby is a semi-germaphobe not wanting to touch any of their stuff. lol

    That chicken soup looks tasty! I may have to try making it from scratch sometime.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. ghostmmnc says:

    Hope today y’all are feeling better. Must be the chicken soup! Nothing beats home-made, and yes, I have to make my own sometimes. Yours looks delish! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  23. We had the crud for over a week, and no one made chicken noodle soup from scratch. Liptons and Campbell had to do it. Maybe that’s why it took a week to get better. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  24. ROFL! I laughed so hard I had tears! I’m sorry you caught the dreaded cold that’s going around. I’ve had two since the new year started. I can totally relate to your woes.

    The soup looks really good, and I too like a lot of pepper on/in my soup.

    I hope you’re feeling better today!

    I’m sharing this with He-Man. It’s hilarious! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  25. JoAnna says:

    They say laughter is the best medicine, so thanks for helping me stay well. (Finger’s crossed.) That’s some good lookin’ chicken soup, and I’m a vegetarian, so, if I were to catch something, I could relapse on chicken soup like that. Not that I want to….

    Liked by 1 person

  26. larva225 says:

    I’m sorry you have/had the crud but dammit you’re funny regardless. And heroic for making homemade soup while afflicted.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Oh no, I am glad you have all over the CRUD now. We had it going around over here but it lasted about 4 weeks (Even poor Queenie got it)!
    I love your pretty flowers too, That was nice of your Mister to bring them home for you when you sent him out shopping!!!! 🙂
    You make a lovely looking soup Joey, even when you are poorly and heavy-headed!

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Anxious Mom says:

    “I thought I may have caught a man cold, ffs.” Hell of a one-liner.

    I hope y’alls heads are down to about 10 pounds or so by now. And, damn, you can cook up a better soup sick as hell than I can on my best day. Mmm.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. reocochran says:

    Oh, so sorry! I hate being down with a bug or crud. Hopefully, all cleared up by now! hugs xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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