joeyfullystated

Successfully Avoiding Porn Shops and Pity

Posted on May 6, 2014 by joey

It was about this time last year that I wrote about how I accidentally took my dog to the porn shop at 7am. Dogs Don’t Need Porn.

Today, I took Sadie in for her annual check-up.

Since we moved to The Mister’s old neighborhood, it’s only about ten minutes from my house now. I debated which route to take, and ultimately decided to take the long way around, avoiding any potential mishaps.

Success was mine.

I arrived early enough to *achem* ~~enjoy chatting~~ listen to stranger people. Said stranger people were some of those status-seeking people who go out of their way to tell you about all their dog’s achievements in this class and that, as well as how their German Shepherd came from Germany, as well as how they paid a thousand dollars for her, (they mentioned that three times) as well as how well-trained she is because of all her achievements in those classes.
I nodded along how I do, with the occasional, “Is that right?” thrown in for good measure.

She was a beautiful animal. I am sure she’s well cared for, and obviously she will breed the most beautiful puppies ever. Just because her people don’t know how to breed her or when to breed her, or how many puppies there are in a Shepherd litter does not, in any way, indicate that they are irresponsible breeders. After all, they took a card from another stranger who will provide a sire, and he knows a lot about breeding, since he had a pregnant dam with him.

The fact that German Shepherd Rescue of Indianapolis currently has nine full-blooded Shepherd pups up for adoption is completely inconsequential.
We want uneducated people breeding dogs, don’t we?

Meanwhile, I sat there with my broken mutt rescue, whose “papers” consisted of vet records, for which we paid a $20 handling fee, her head rested in my lap, with her paw on my knee, and I thought about how glad I was that Sadie didn’t know anyone found her inferior. My poor bastard dog, with her abusive background and a permanent limp. Poor thing. Good thing we spend our time loving her and not pitying her lack of breeding or her previous circumstances. I mean, just imagine how her self-esteem would suffer!

I’m also glad the German Shepherd couldn’t feel how much I pitied her and her people.

When Sadie was called back, she hopped down, and that well-trained German Shepherd popped up to check her out. Her people did not like that, but none of their commands could keep their dog from acting like a normal dog, and her male person got downright mad, with his face all red, yelling, “Back! No!” along with other German words and her name. (Didn’t they teach him not to use her name during discipline? Isn’t this in Dog Training 101?)
Meanwhile, I stood there smiling at how well my mutt socializes, and when the dogs were done, Sadie and I followed the lady back to the exam room.

Sadie LOVES to go to the vet. I suspect it has to do with her puppyhood, when the vet made her feel better.
She loves all the people, all the other dogs, and jumps right up on the scale, where I swear she smiles. Then the vet tells her how soft, how pretty, what shiny clean teeth, how fit, what fluffy ears — I am just a little bit jealous my doctor doesn’t do the same for me.

No porn shop, two shots, one blood draw, no heartworm, new tag, three months of prevention meds, and one mama, covered in nervous fur.
A multitude of blessings to count.

sadie — may 6, 2014

Posted in Personally | Tagged dog, gratitude, The Mister | 20 Comments

Lilacs in Bloom

Posted on May 5, 2014 by joey

I have two lilac bushes. They came with the house. When we met the house, it was July, and they bore no blooms at that time. Lilacs do not always bloom, and there are several kinds which bloom repeatedly throughout the year, though most bloom only in Spring. I suppose I’ll live here for quite some time before I know which I’ve got.

I cut a bundle from a limb that faces away from the house. Their fragrance is so intoxicating.

Again, I am so grateful to be home.

Posted in Personally | Tagged gardening, gratitude, happiness, home | 20 Comments

Yeah, I Hadda Take a Break!

Posted on May 3, 2014 by joey

Much like blogging Every Damn Day December, blogging A-Z was fun, but tiring.
Also, this last week was spent being inordinately social. I love the people I’ve socialized with. As much as I wish I had several versions of myself for each of my pursuits, I am only one introvert.

While The Mister loves to entertain, I’m the one who cooks. It’s a very nice system, even if it’s one which shouldn’t be employed more than once a week.

We had a young person over on Wednesday, despite my futile attempt to convince my husband that it was not a good night for me. Said young person is a delight, and I have enjoyed her since I first met her, when at the age of five, she was tromping around the cul-de-sac, telling us that her parents didn’t love her, they only loved her baby sister, because they forced her to play outside, while her baby sister got to play inside! (Her baby sister was a baby!) She is still completely disarming.
Once dinner and dessert were done, The Mister was yawning, rubbing his eyes, leaning in to listen on with his chin on his wrist. I made several comments about needing to wash a load of jeans and how I hadn’t had a bath yet. Apparently college students do not read the subtle cues of their aging hosts. They do, however, get tired eventually, and go home.

all these people are big now…dunno how it happens…

Thursday night, we drove the children to The Palace of Rules and took a cab downtown to meet Mr. Hill. Yes, we did have a fabulous evening, thank you for asking. Yes, I did drink a lot, thank you for your support.

I wasn’t actually too drunk to keep my eyes open, but bars are dark places, and the FLASH! almost killed me.

You probably saw me trying use a straw to stab the cherry out of my cocktail at Forty-Five, and dancing in my chair at Tini. Yes, you might even have seen me in one of those hipster bars, drinking some complicated cocktail that I can only describe as Oh-fuck-I-could-drink-these-all-night.

I was too drunk to make my phone focus, or maybe it seemed focused at the time, or something.

I’m not even going to try to describe the events of the evening once we got home.

Last night, we had my in-laws to dinner. This showed more stupidity on our part, because we had labored all day.
I made tacos and three-hour enchiladas. I call them three-hour enchiladas because it feels like it takes three hours to make them. Surely it takes three hours to do all the dishes afterward…
I made 17 of them and all that’s left is a measly one and a half, so yeah, people love them, but they’re a lot of work.
I also made caramelized pears, but my caramel seized. That’s never happened to me before, although I knew it could. Bad things can happen to you, it’s true. I felt like a failure, while everyone stabbed bits of caramel with their forks, but I was actually too tired to hate myself properly.

I don’t know how to explain exactly how thrilled I am to be at home today, hair twisted and braless, with not too much to do. It feels fantastic. I’ve even had the bonus of giving allergy-ridden Moo some Benadryl, so she’s slept since lunch. Very quiet day.

surely you read hyperbole and a half, right?

Thrilled to stay home and do laundry, thanks.

Posted in Personally | Tagged food, happiness, home, INFJ, Mr. Hill, The Mister | 23 Comments

Z is for Zenia

Posted on April 30, 2014 by joey

Zenia is the antagonist in one of my favorite books.
Yes, I do have too many favorite books to list. But no, I don’t always remember the antagonists the way I remember Zenia.

Zenia is the perfect villainess. She’s so evil, you don’t love to hate her, you just hate her and hate her until finally she dies, so you have her cremated and buried — but then, suddenly she’s back, and you hate her even more!
Zenia is a brilliant, stunningly attractive, greedy, ruthless, soulless, black hole of a sociopath, whose deeds are so heinous, you shudder at the thought of actually running into her in your own life.

Most of us have known a form of Zenia. She is the mysterious woman who despite her clever attempts to match up, doesn’t quite fit within your circle. Something in your bones tells you she’s not okay and although you can’t quite put your finger on what it is, something about her is not quite right. You can’t trust her, even when she’s never given you a reason to doubt that you can.
Zenia’s background doesn’t add up, her truths don’t ring true, her ability to blend in while standing out is uncanny. She’s not real. She’s made of lies and pretense, an illusion designed specifically for you.
She’ll try on your life, sway your judgment, and then for inexplicable reasons, without provocation, and seemingly without motive, destroy you, just because she can.

You’re nothing but a game to Zenia. She’s not remotely interested in playing well with others, or even winning. She plays to find your weakness, expose it, and watch your pain.

Everything is already hers.
You realize nothing is safe from the clutches of this woman, nothing is out of her grasp.
She wouldn’t do that, would she?
SHE SO WOULD.

Zenia is not jealous. She’s not broken. She doesn’t want what you have. She doesn’t want happiness. She only wants to watch you suffer without mercy.

Zenia still gives me goosebumps and nightmares, and I haven’t read the book since 1998.

It’s drama and mystery, which doesn’t stop drawing you in, and if you’re at all like me, the world will stand still for a moment when you finally close the book.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged A-Z for April | 18 Comments

Y is for Yellow

Posted on April 29, 2014 by joey

Yellow has been my favorite color since I can recall.

As a small child, I always preferred the yellow Tupperware sippy cup, and I always asked for a yellow toothbrush.

I carried around a Pooh Bear, and played in my yellow Holly Hobby kitchen.

I am always the yellow game piece.

If your favorite color is yellow, you might be cheerful, idealistic, creative, methodical, quick-witted, enthusiastic, independent, imaginative, and highly intellectual with a love for learning.

You might also leap before you look, appear aloof, be hard to please and critical, strike with a bitter tongue, feel anxious, worry, be unable to shut down your mind, and find yourself jealous or lazy.

I tend not to have many yellow things in my home, since yellow is a very stimulating color for me, but there’s a bit here and there, because cheerful and happy. An old Pyrex lemonade pitcher, a knick-knack here, a giraffe there, a hallway painted Honey Bear.

Oh, did I mention my house is yellow?

Rumor has it that yellow houses are filled with plants, board games, books, and the smell of somethin good cookin.

Yellow houses are robbed less often than any other.

Yellow houses sell fastest. They evoke feelings of warmth and happiness.

How does yellow make you feel?
Do you have a favorite color?

Posted in Random Musings | Tagged A-Z for April | 19 Comments

X is for Xylophone

Posted on April 28, 2014 by joey

Last month, Sassy came home with a flyer about a music program. The flyer turned out to be much less informative than it should have been.

“Miss Alcott and the fifth grade will host a music program on Thursday, March 13th at 6:30pm. All fifth grade parents are invited to attend.”

“We will go,” I told Sassy. Because she’s a child, she asked me repeatedly, many days in a row, if we were still going, and each time, I said, “Yes” and “Oh my God! Yes! Will you please stop asking me?”

On the day of the program, Sassy asked who all was going to the program. I rolled my eyes and said, “We are all going.”
“Really? Who’s keeping Moo?”
“We are taking Moo. We are all going!”
“Miss Alcott says we can’t bring anyone younger than us.”
“Well, Miss Alcott has failed to mention this, so unless she contacts me or provides a certified caretaker, Miss Alcott can suck it.”
“Okay. Well can’t Moo stay home with Bubba?”
“No. Bubba is going to a movie with Papaw.”

I really could not imagine why no younger children would be allowed, or why it wasn’t mentioned, and I strongly suspected Sassy did not want to share her parents with Moo, which prompted me to add one of Beauty Queen’s best quotes, “You’re not an only child and you never have been.”

I prepared myself for an evening of music appreciation. I put on a nice sweater, dressy jeans, suede wedges, jewelry, some eye make up. I took half of an Ativan too, because I knew it would be loud and crowded and I might be forced to speak to strangers in a social setting.
Off we went.
Hardly a car in the parking lot, barely a handful of people inside.

We met in the gym, where there were perhaps a dozen chairs on either side, facing center, while xylophones and drums stood on one side of the boundary lines and a music stand faced them from the other side. (The other side had a stage, so I was immediately thrown off by who the hell set this mess up, and had they ever actually been to a performance before?)

Miss Alcott appeared, and she did not chase off the smaller children that were present, nor did she chide any parents for bringing them, Hmph!

Miss Alcott began to explain that this performance was participatory.
I shot eye daggers at Sassy.

All I could think was oh fucking swell. here i am, sedated, wearing three-inch wedges, and now i’m going to participate in rhythm, music, and dancing? you really must work on being more informative, miss alcott.

First things first, rhythm. Okay, I can rhythm. Not that I understood the directions very well, but I made do, even with my sedated motor skills. *clap, slap, snap, slap, slap, clap*

Then music. Hahaha. I’m not saying I’m the world’s worst music student, but I have failed at everything since the beloved fourth-grade recorder — piano, flute and cello — badly, and pretty much stuck to singing. The Mister? Musical ability out the ying yang.
Me, on the xylophone “A….oh AA..B….AA..oh A…B..D..AAA…” like a toddler at play.
Ugh. I’m no good at xylophoning.
“Daddy will do the music, Sass. I will do the dancing bits.”
And Daddy did do the music, which did not at all sound like a toddler playing. He could play it without the notes, just by ear. Well done, Daddy. I was not surprised.

Me, on the xylophone:

The Mister, on the xylophone:

Alright, not completely true, but close.

On to the drums.
The Mister sat down and immediately beat out “Sympathy for the Devil,” and the fifth grader beside him began to play back and forth with him. I was stupefied.
When finally given instruction on what to play, The Mister did, in fact, play the desired beat. I was amazed again. I actually had no idea that my husband was so talented, and I have known him for twenty-seven years. We should probably get him some drums.

On to dancing! Yay, I can dance! It was a bit like the Virginia Reel, though I don’t remember now what they called it. Unfortunately, the movements did not match the count very well, but Sassy and I managed to dance in time, even if I was a bit teetery-tottery, due to my medication and the wedges.

Needless to say, I would have liked to have been warned about the participatory events of the evening, what with the xylophones and all.

Posted in Personally | Tagged A-Z for April, Beauty Queen, Bubba, Moo, Sassy, The Mister | 16 Comments

W is for Welcome Ethel

Posted on April 26, 2014 by joey

This is Ethel.

She’s a “rescue.” She’s only been used twice, so it’s my job to put her to work.

Friends of ours dropped her off today, because they were feeling guilty about neglecting Ethel and thought she’d be happier here with me.
I don’t know if Ethel will be happier, but I sure will.
I’m so delighted that they thought of me! What a lucky woman I am!

I had an old Sunbeam stand mixer, also given to me, but it eventually died during the holidays of 2007. While I always said I would buy a new one, and The Mister even offered to buy me one at some point, I never did get around to it. (I do that. It took me over a year to finally commit to buying a new set of knives.)
Right about now, I feel like I’m being rewarded for my purchase procrastination!

Isn’t she just magnificent?!?

Welcome, Ethel, welcome. I promise you will never want for attention in my kitchen.

Posted in Personally | Tagged A-Z for April, gratitude | 27 Comments

V is for Vernacular

Posted on April 25, 2014 by joey

Like any other place, Indiana’s accents are varied. Ideally, one adopts the accent of Iowa, which is said to be the clearest, least regional-sounding accent. Plenty of people here sound like broadcasters, and plenty of people sound like they just fell off the turnip truck. Most of us are in the middle, yakkin about with lazy tongues.

While in The Deep South, I do not sound southern to the natives. I asked a lady in the grocery about her evaporated milk preferences, and she asked me, “Sugar, where do your people hail from?”
Up North, people ask me if I’m from Kentucky. People who don’t know anything about accents have asked me if I’m from Texas or Louisiana, for cryin out loud.

I’m from Indiana. Born and raised. But my mama is a Tallahassee lassie and her daddy’s people came from Bonnie Blue, Virginia and I do think we’ve got some Melungeon in us, even if I’ve got the Dutch skin and the Italian proclivities from the other side…I’m a human mutt bitch.

Sassy recently announced to us, “They think I’m country!”
I asked, “Because of your accent?”
“Yes! They think I’m country, with my white skin, my pretty blonde hair, and my accent!”
How it came out was, “They think I’m country, with mah white skin, mah pree blonde hair and mah accent!” She opened her eyes wide and flounced her curls with disdain while she said it.
We laughed and laughed. She was so animated, so clearly offended.

Growing up, I was taught to enunciate, and rules about grammar were enforced. I do believe, and not even my mother could convince me otherwise, that this was an attempt to hide any indication of an accent, because people with northern accents think people with southern accents are dumb.
(And therein lies a lie or two, depending.)

There were two languages my mother used: The language of power, and the language of vernacular. I managed to learn which to use in specific circumstances, via my role model.

I took foreign language classes.
I took linguistics classes.
I took speech classes.
My elocution is exceptional.
When I wanna.

I used to worry about it. I used to pronounce things ever so carefully. I don’t now. I went to Georgia, and I let go. I came back from Georgia, and I don’t care anymore. It’s not baggage I want to carry.
I’m not tryin to hide anything about where I come from or who I am.

If the language I use perturbs someone, I assume they’re not the caliber of person whose opinion matters.
Or…
I reckon if people think I’m dumb because I say I reckon, or fixin to, or usta could, then they ain’t my kinda people.
(Did that hurt your ears? We’ll never be friends.)

Language is easy to me. Wherever I travel, my accent slides accordingly.

I still turn on the language of power, as when I’m calling the children’s school. I don’t be axin them thangs. In fact, I beg people not to ax anyone anything. Especially not they mothers.
I never say ax for ask. I never say they for their — but I hope you get my point.

Don’t be fooled, neither language nor its evolution are indicative of intelligence. But your assumptions about the speaker certainly indicate your levels of knowledge, intelligence, and understanding.
Why, just last night, I hadda use a smaller word so The Mister could understand me.

Posted in Personally | Tagged A-Z for April | 23 Comments

U is for Umbrella

Posted on April 24, 2014 by joey

If, like me, you love the rain, you may also love umbrellas.
It takes a good downpour to force me to use one, though.
I’d rather walk in the rain, and splash in the puddles.

Umbrellas are whimsical.

Umbrellas are cheerful.

Umbrellas are useful.

Umbrellas are iconic.

Umbrellas are magical.

Umbrellas are best when shared.

Or maybe they’re better when sacrificed…

“Love is like an umbrella. It can provide protection from life’s storms, or it can poke you in the eye.”

The French word for umbrella is parapluie. What a happy word. It’s one of my faves.

Umbrellas are clever in photography.

Umbrellas aren’t just for humans.

Umbrellas stand out.

If, like me, have a skin tone akin to vampire, you may also enjoy umbrellas on sunny days.
Or, perhaps hats that are so large, they could also easily be used as umbrellas.

Posted in Random Musings | Tagged A-Z for April, nature | 11 Comments

T is for Tulips

Posted on April 23, 2014 by joey

Tulips are my favorite.
White tulips above all. Tulips in every color are gorgeous, but white ones are my favorite.

I don’t know when exactly tulips became my favorite, but I had tulip bedding in 1987. The comforter subsequently became my woobie, traveling everywhere with me, to college, on road trips, even to the hospital to have my babies, and I didn’t give it up until 2008. It was threadbare, and the batting so clumped, it was no longer comfortable.

I wanted tulips at my wedding, but I married in August, so I carried sweetheart roses instead. Sweetheart roses are spectacular, but they’re not tulips.

In 2003, we bought a house with a substantial yard and many established plants. I added tulips every year.
In 2004, I might have had 100, but by 2006, I know I had over 200 tulips in my yard.
And in 2006, while Sissy, Sassy and I deadheaded the begonias and snapdragons, Moo deadheaded every single tulip in the back yard. I cried. Poor Moo, she was only trying to help.

When I lived in Georgia, it was too warm for bulbs, so the only tulips I had were cut in vases.
Ground phlox blooms in January in Georgia. Pansies are a winter flower in the south. It pained me, I swear.
I would be unhappy to live anywhere where I would need to freeze the bulbs in the house before planting them. Along with deciduous trees, my landscape must include bulbs in the spring. This year I will add hyacinth and crocuses, but the tulips were an urgent requirement.

Since we moved here in August, and I had plenty of inside work to do, the only things I planted in my new yard last fall were tulips. Just started with 56, here and there, because I wasn’t too sure what was planted where. (Good thing, too, since spring is showing me!)

My mother joked with me about planting The Back Forty as a field of daffodils. Wouldn’t a field of tulips be better?

I’m not sure if it was the strange, brutal winter, or my eagerness for tulips, but I did experience Spring Fever this year. My theory is that one cannot possibly enjoy the glory of spring without having suffered through a winter. It’s nature’s reward.

The tulips are all at various stages, due to their varieties and the sunlight conditions. Those that have opened already are mostly closed this morning, because it’s cold, only about 40F. I enjoy watching the tulips open and close. I admire them. I marvel at them. I downright stare at them. They are beautiful. I love tulips.