joeyfullystated

I Like Knobs

Posted on January 12, 2014 by joey

I have a specific preference for knobs and buttons and dials.

While plenty of gadgets are spectacular, with their digital LED displays and their touchscreens, some things just need to be poked, or rather, I just need to poke them. Things I cannot poke bother me.

For instance, have you ever used one of those pet-tag engraver kiosks with the digital touchscreen keyboard? My Gawd, what fresh hell can this be?!?

Remember when cars had pop-up locks that one could see without gawking into the vehicle like a lunatic lock-stalker? I’m not a fan of power locks.
I’d even prefer not to have power windows in my car.

Also, why is it that when I insert a disc into my blu-ray player, I’ve got to wait ages (about 40 seconds) for the disc to load? What is it doing in there?!?
*Bangs head on media cabinet*
My daughter’s got a disc player where you pop it in, it spins for a second, you push play, and voila! They all used to be like that, you know!

I realize I’m beginning to sound like Mrs. Patmore and her fear of the electric mixer, but I really do have strong feelings about it.

No one would ever call me trendy. Ever. If a trend lasts for a couple of years, I may participate in such a trend. I am late to all hip happenings.

I’m all for technology.
For things that aren’t crucial.

Appliances are crucial.
I think we’ve gone a little lakka-lakka over making things digital.
Look what I found the other day:

what.the.fuck?

*Screams in horror*
What on earth would inspire such insanity? Toast is so easy! I like toast on the middle dot, Moo likes hers on the second, bagels go in on one dot higher. Finding your dot is really not difficult at all. There is no need to complicate the heating of bread!

When I bought my washing machine, I was looking for knobs.
Yes. Knobs. Dials. Buttons. Tangible doohickies that make shit go.
The reason I want knobs is because in 1996, Fairy Godmother was one of the first people I knew who bought one of those new-fangled front-loading, sitting on a pedestal, washer and dryer sets, and she told me the digital display broke, and it cost her thousands of dollars to repair it. Thousands. Being a young, broke adult, this horrified me to the point where I rationalized I would rather put quarters into a washer at the local public laundromat for my entire life than to be at the mercy of such a scary, powerful, money-sucking item.
I shared this story with the salesman, so that he would understand my reluctance to purchase such a heinous item. He understood me completely.

I don’t think laundry should come with fear.

WHAT?

joey-friendly washer

And, while I waited for my washing machine to be loaded, I gazed at the gas ranges. Most of them are digital. I don’t want to buy a digital one, because when I lived in Georgia, my digital display went out. I could not cook for two days, and the panel, although I didn’t pay for it, was $80. Ack!

reliable range with knobs

digital display from appliance hell

Which leads me to the point of this post, which is my thermostat. It’s conspiring against me. I don’t understand it. I thought we had all of our problems sorted out when it finally admitted to me that it needed batteries, and I gave it batteries. I thought, “AHA! Now, you will obey!”
No.
It has a programmable feature. Someone has programmed it to be…even too cold for me!
I KNOW!
The programming only works Monday-Friday. You cannot program diddly squat on the weekend. And lemme tell you, when my feet hit the porcelain tile in the kitchen, even with socks on, my nipples pop out, I cuss, and I envision icicles!

weekend mornings in the kitchen

So, I poured my coffee, opened all the curtains, and headed to the thermostat.
It was 61 in here, and supposed to be 70. The furnace was not running.
Why?
Why?
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why???
Everyone knows that when you turn the thermostat up, the heat should kick on!

Moo came in and went to the thermostat, “Why is it 61? Can we turn it up?”
If only, Moo. If only.

my evil thermostat

It is for this reason, I have fiddled with the thermostat, trying to understand what motivates it. Nothing.
I’ve had it on 84 degrees for over an hour, and it’s run once. It is now 63 in here.

Anyway, I’ve decided that this thermostat is far too fancy for me. Yes, I do realize that there are even fancier, wifi-friendly thermostats connected to smartphones now, but this one is too much for me. I need a dial-y-faced thermostat. I need a thermostat with whom I can forge an understanding.

Like this guy. He looks dependable.

come to mama!

Now, in case you’re wondering, no, The Mister cannot figure out the thermostat, either. In fact, he understands it less than I. He’s a moving parts person. It is sad that I am the more technology-friendly person in the house, because I am not particularly technology-friendly.

How technology-friendly am I, you ask?
Well, I had my iPod nano for four years before I gave it to Moo. Did I know there was a video camera in it? Did I know it had games on it? Fuck no, I did not.

You’re right, I will ask Moo to fiddle with the thermostat when she gets home from church.

Posted in Personally, Random Musings | Tagged digital display, Fairy Godmother, Moo, rant, The Mister | 40 Comments

They Take Over Everything

Posted on January 9, 2014 by joey

Children take over your whole life, they take over everything. Particularly when they are home on Winter break, followed by a WEEK of snow days.

A few recent examples:

While Moo contends she did not eat chili while sitting upon my white duvet, she could possibly concede that she may have, in fact, had a bit of chili on her hands. Or her face. Or somethin.

As I sat in the tub, Moo peeled the shower curtain back and asked me, “Mama, are you in the tub? You know what my friend did?”
“Let her mother bathe in peace?” I asked in reply.
“No, she went sledding!”

“what?”

When Sassy was asked to take cookies out of the oven, I reminded her to wear oven mitts. She laughed at me, and said, “Of course! Gosh, Mama! Like I would forget oven mitts!” *HarHarHarSnort* She wore only one oven mitt, and burnt her forearm instead of her hands.

While they know what doormats are for, (toddlers love to stomp) I discovered they have no wisdom regarding why we have indoor rugs just inside the door, so weeks ago, I stopped the girls and explained the purpose of those rugs is to catch debris, or perhaps even snow, at the door.
I’ve stopped caring.
They’ll never go back to school.
I will never mop again.
My poor nephew was completely puzzled as to why I didn’t care if he didn’t brush off his snow and take off his shoes.
“It’s okay, Ace, I’ll never ever, ever mop again. Go ahead.”
His expression said, “Is this a trick, Aunt Joey?”
“No, no, it’s fine. I’ve already lost my mind, darling boy.”

I spend about an hour a day saying the same things:
I don’t care whose it is, pick it up.
Did I ask you?
Watch your tone.
Clean up your mess.
Just do it.
Be nice to your sister.

Moo: Angela Washington doesn’t live here. You’re a wrong number. Hang on, here’s my mama.
Me: No, Angela Washington doesn’t live here.
Moo: Hey, Maybe they can find her on the Facebook!
Me: Yes, Dear.
Caller: Is Angela Washington connected to you on Facebook?
Me: No Sir.

Both girls have seen fit to lose teeth over break, because as you know, the Tooth Fairy has no opportunity to go to the ATM. I asked Sassy if she wanted to wait, or if she wanted five euros. She’ll wait.

Today I took the Christmas tree down.

Yeah, well, I wanted to take the tree down on Epiphany, like a normal person, but I had this plan which involved loud music and mimosas, and perhaps most specifically, no children. School has been canceled for the entire week, foiling my mimosa day, extending it one day away, and another, and another…

i just wanna drink & drink & drink

So…I took it down today.
Guess what? They’ve taken over my Christmas tree, too.

clara takes it over every year

You see, since we’ve been a family, we’ve made one of our traditions letting each child collect another ornament for the tree. The idea was, like my mother did with me, they’d leave the house with enough ornaments to fill a tree. My mother even got in on it, and for years, sent them a collection of ornaments.
Small oversight: I was an only. I have four kids. Oopsies.
Additionally, they’ve been gifted ornaments as well as made some. So when I took the ornaments off the tree today, I divided them into piles for each child. Forget boxing them up when they’ve made their own nests! Now is the time! This is the year!

I discovered that I actually only own a whopping seventeen ornaments now. First, there was the box of my heirloom ornaments that never made it to Georgia, and then there were mishaps due to cats, dog, and well, children, of course.

every.year.

It snowed s’more today. The principal was nice enough to let us know there would be no school tomorrow.
I’m headed into a very long weekend, y’all.

But look at the pretty ornament Drew made me for Christmas in my new house!

i can’t fit in there, and i know it’s quiet inside…

Posted in Personally | Tagged Ace, Drew, family, home, Moo, Sassy, snow, tradition | 15 Comments

Hot Man vs The Ice Queen

Posted on January 8, 2014 by joey

I just finished some yummy quesadillas which made me sleepy. I feel like I should go lie down, but in all honesty, I only ate five quesadilla triangles, and I slept late, so there shouldn’t be a reason as to why I’m so sleepy.
So, I thought maybe I’d write. I was trying to recapture the idea I had in the night. What was I going to write about? Oh, I thought it was a good idea at the time…
What was it?
I couldn’t remember.
A writer. With great ideas in the night.
That she can’t remember in the morning.
Could I be any more original?
I couldn’t remember UNTIL I remembered what actually happened in the night.

You see, I had a rough night’s sleep. Oh, you know how it goes. Could be any number of things. Mine happened to be The Mister.
Now, it’s time to share with you the intimate details of my marriage.

Sometimes, The Mister snores. My cat snores on my face sometimes. It tickles. We are not talking about cute kitty snores. He had a sleep study. They advised him to sleep on his side. They should have also advised him to sleep on his own side of the bed.

I believe I’ve mentioned how he can fall asleep anywhere, in any position, and how he’s particularly prone to falling asleep while snuggling?

I believe I’ve mentioned he’s hot?
Like a walking heating pad?
Like lift up the covers and get into bed with the human oven?

Yes. All these things are true.

Sometimes, while I am chopping vegetables, I am the sexiest woman alive. He’ll come up behind me and kiss on my neck, and one thing leads to another…and well, you know.
Sometimes, on a random Tuesday in January, when he comes to me in the kitchen, he will kiss my neck, and whisper something really hot into my ear, like, “I cannot wait to snuggle you.”
Oh yeah. That’s hot.

So I knew what I was in for when we went to bed last night. I perched at the edge of my side of the bed. I tossed the heavy duvet off, and waited…
Hotness. All up on my shit.

If you, too, are a hot, snuggly person, you should know that I am sometimes called “Ice Queen” or comments are made, alluding to my frozen heart. I promise, emotionally, I am a warm, loving person. Mostly. I’m very affectionate. Once I know you and stuff. Or if I’m drunk. I’m just not into being hot, and I hate to sweat, and even I hate the tingly feeling that comes right before I sweat. Okay, okay, I like to be cold. And distant. Often. But I’m not an ice queen.

i’m not even blonde

It takes about five seconds for him to fall asleep.
I feel the flinch. It’s like his nigh-nigh switch.
It takes about five minutes before he snores in my face.
“Roll over. I cannot hear Jon Stewart anymore.”

He denies this.
He’ll say he’s not asleep. “I’m not even asleep, so how can I be snoring?!?”

So I let him build to a crescendo again, which means my back is starting to sweat, I take another route.
“Baby, I know you’re not sleeping and you can’t possibly be snoring, but loud noises are coming from your face. Could you please roll over?”

*Hmph. Huff. Fling.*

And then it’s quiet, and my back cools.

Most nights.

But last night? All night long, like a character trapped in a surreal play, I could not get The Mister to stop invading my space with his hot and loud.

“Baby, roll over. Feel free to use your side of the bed.”

“Honey, I can’t breathe when you snore into my nose!”

“Jesus Fuckin Christ! Get offa me! You’re making my hair sweat! I don’t even have blankets anymore!”

“Oh My Fucking God!” I sat up, ripped his pillow out from under his head, braced myself with my arms, and pushed his hips to his side of the bed with my legs.

“Imma build a fucking fence here!”
He didn’t even wake up.
I wanted to bat him about the head with that pillow, but I didn’t. Because Marine.

“I cannot sleep like this! All night you’re on me! All night with the snoring in my face! All night! All night! I don’t even know if I’ve slept!”
I swear he smirked. I could hear him smirk in the darkness.

That’s it. That’s what I was going to write about. I was going to write about how tortured I am by the hot, snoring man in my bed.

When I brought it up to him today, he seemed unfazed. Said he’s very attracted to me.

Posted in Personally | Tagged sleep, The Mister | 29 Comments

There’s No Snowstorm in my Garage

Posted on January 7, 2014 by joey

Our snowpocalypse hasn’t been all that eventful, but I’ll share the highlights.

I shoveled three times in six hours. Each time I went out to shovel, I could no longer see where I shoveled.
The Mister told me to stop.
And then he shoveled.
I dunno. Maybe he likes to shovel.

The Mister was sent home Sunday afternoon, and did not return until today.

The power flickered. It’s true. The internet went out, and the satellite dish went down, and the lights went off and on. It lasted about 3 seconds, and I shouted, “Noo!” which may be what prompted the electricity to resume.
More than thirty thousand people in central Indiana have been without power during the storm, so I really wish they’d been able to save their electricity by shouting Noo! as I had.

Moo packed a panic bag, in case we had to go to Mamaw’s for heat. It’s important to note that Moo’s panic bag contained merely toys and knee-high socks.

We got our van into our tiny garage!!!

garage parody

This was a real victory for me, even though I wasn’t the one who made the space, or drove it in there. In fact, it barely fits. I won’t be the person pulling it into or out of the garage, because I am not a professional parker. My husband can drive and park anything, perfectly.

About the garage, I’ve been a nagging wife, who off and on has said, “We can’t tell if it’s going to fit until we try.” There are endless containers in that garage; military kip, fabrics, summer clothes, lawn equipment…For a good four months, we didn’t know when recycling was, so we had oodles of recyclables in there. They may have had to send another truck just for us!

Around late September, I began the occasional nag of “Before the cold weather comes, we should move about half of this stuff to the shed.” Like, my stuff.
Then around the beginning of November, I heightened the nagging sensation by saying, “You’re going to spend all winter scraping, and then when spring comes, you’ll move those containers and find out you could have been parking in there the whole time.”
Wives love to say shit like that, because we enjoy doing I-told-ya-so dances afterward. I suspect this comes from years of unfulfilled chainsaw dreams or whatnot.

So yes, this was a victory for me, because The Mister had to stand before me and say the words, “You were right.” I asked our friends to send chocolate to help heal his ego. My friend Tracey said that men aren’t as good at eyeballing measurements, because six inches to a man is a lot different than six inches to a woman. Heh.

I do not recall it having been feels like -32 here, but I suppose it has. It’s cruel to a human face. Burning skin, stinging eyes, nose, teeth: too cold for me!

The snow fell to about a foot of accumulation, and it blew all night, so none of the shoveling mattered.
Having been away from snowstorms, I forgot that they can actually be a bit noisy. Clumps of snow split and fall. Branches and limbs fall.

I was awfully glad Mr. F trimmed that apple tree, because the branches on the red tree sure did hang low, almost like a willow, and the green apple tree branches would have been catastrophic without his help.

When we woke up Monday morning, Chubby Squirrel seemed to be frozen to the tree trunk. I threw out seeds, and I set out a laundry basket with blankets and more seed. I don’t know if he ever went in there, but I’ll find out when I bring it back in tomorrow. The girls say they have seen several squirrels come out of the basket. Chubby Squirrel has somewhat become my fourth pet, and I worried for him, so the basket made me feel better, at least.

We ran out of ice to make swate tay. Irony is when you’re out of ice during a snowstorm. Our next major purchase needs to be a new fridge, because the ice maker is broken on the one that came with the house. (Also, it’s one of those dreadful side-by-sides. We all hate it.)
I suggested The Mister go break some icicles off our neighbor’s house, but he declined. So, I set the pitcher in the snow. An hour later, it still wasn’t cold, so I think maybe our winter was broken between nine and ten last night…

I took lots of pictures of the snowy trees. Ooh, pretty trees!

And Chubby Squirrel with snow on his nose.

I’m off to peel potatoes to add to my pot roast, because snowstorms make perfect times to snuggle up in the afghan with a bowl of warm.

Posted in Personally | Tagged Chubby Squirrel, home, Moo, Mr. F, nature, snow, The Mister, Tracey | 21 Comments

Destination: Grocery Store

Posted on January 4, 2014 by joey

On New Year’s Night, The Mister and I had a date.

I really needed to go to the store that day, but dates are so much more fun than grocery shopping. Grocery shopping never curls my toes. Grocery shopping, no matter how much you’re in love with one another, is not a date.

This is the part of our date I can show you.

Long after that part, there were other delicious parts which I cannot show you. That’s when we realized there was snow outside. We hadn’t heard snow was coming.

The following morning, snow had covered everything, and still it snowed.

It’s a bit of a novelty to me. I hadn’t seen it snow like that in years, and I was mesmerized by it.
The weather reports indicated that we should get 1-5 inches, but we were already at 8.5 by mid-afternoon. Apparently, no one informed the Department of Transportation about the snow, either, so I didn’t feel too badly about not knowin.

We’d planned to get the kids and go to the grocery, because we had just about nothin left to eat around here after the Christmas wore off.
I get anxious when we get low on food. I’m not a hoarder, or a coupon queen. I don’t have stockpiles of food, but I freak out when we run out of meal-making items.

I never was one of those cool single people who only keep condiments and beer in the fridge. And once I had children, well, for those of you who don’t know, children need to eat all of the time. They are growing. They spend all their time engaged in using their bodies and brains. They almost never shut up, and they almost never stop moving. This uses energy faster than an iPhone, and requires constant fueling. While I prefer to graze here and there, these young people prefer their grazing habits are offset by three large meals a day. Every day.

So yeah, we were definitely going to go to the grocery store!

Except….Drew dropped the children off, and invited us to MIL’s for dinner, so we did that instead.
Don’t judge me. You should know that my MIL makes the best, most tender and juicy corned beef brisket in the entire world.
Having stayed at The Palace of Rules well into the night, we agreed we’d go to the grocery the following day.

And we did.
And we bought all the foods.

I’m just glad it wasn’t a two-cart experience!

Going to the store was particularly clever since there’s going to be some kind of Snowpocalypse here for the next few days. They’re predicting about a foot of snow, and bitter cold. Temps will dip into the negatives and stay that way, with windchills that are, to me, ghastly.

The Mister’s employer may put him up in a hotel overnight Sunday, depending.

There is no school Monday, and we’ll see about Tuesday.

But I’ve got groceries, dammit!

Posted in Personally | Tagged Drew, family, food, home, kids, MIL, shopping, snow, The Mister, The Palace of Rules | 14 Comments

EvDaDaDec, The Finale

Posted on December 31, 2013 by joey

Welcome to the last post of blogging Every Damn Day December!

*jumps up and down with excitement*
*runs to the stage*
*boobs spill out of ball gown*
*curls fall out of bun*
*sweats and glows red under stage lights*

Thank you so much!
First of all, I would like to thank coffee, soda, cigarettes, and of course, my beloved laptop.
*wells up*
Without the daily love and support of this laptop, none of my EvDaDaDec posts would have been possible.

*blows nose into a wad of Puff’s Plus, which are ever-so-not-discreetly tucked into the clutch she never zips up*

What? I’m old! I take my handbag EVERYWHERE.

There were times when I just didn’t think I would see the end of December, or when I didn’t think I’d pull through, but I made it!

Wait! Wait!

I hafta take a moment to thank my ten dedicated commentators, who stayed with me til the end, even through the tedious blogs that they really could have done without. Your devotion is a treasure.

I’d like to thank the 93 people who’ve liked my Facebook page.

I’ve got to thank the thousands of people who quietly read these posts and, on average, the 30 people who share them. Whoever you people are, thanks so much! I truly appreciate your loyalty and free promotion.

I’d also like to thank the guy who starred six of my posts in less than 5 seconds, because without liars like that, my blog would have a much smaller following.

My heart is so full of gratitude!

But wait, there’s more!

I am the new recipient of a 7-quart Dutch oven, a CD, and a box of cordial cherries! Can you think of a better reward for blogging Every Damn Day December?

I think the best reward might be to take a few days off…maybe paint my nails…maybe eat a meal with utensils…But first, let’s get a little tipsy!

Goodbye, EvDaDaDec! I will always love you!

*blows kisses*
*reveals bare feet under ball gown*

Posted in Random Musings | Tagged blog, EvDaDaDec | 8 Comments

Christmas List: 6-quart Dutch Oven, CD, Noodles

Posted on December 30, 2013 by joey

(Only two more days of Every Damn Day December)

Sometimes you’re just not in the mood to blog. I’ve waited all day for inspiration and it hasn’t yet come. I have no idea what I’m going to blog about, so that means this may be the most boring blog you’ll ever read, or I will start rambling on. My mood isn’t spectacular at the moment, so probably the latter. Try not to blame me. I don’t want to be responsible for your wasted time. Blame EvDaDaDec.

Tomorrow is Christmas dinner with the in-laws, etc. The Mister claims to hate holidays (and his birthday.) He always says he doesn’t want anything. Just look at his feigned excitement over things his mother sent years ago…

Personally, I think he’s a big fat liar about both subjects, and I plan to stare at him while he opens his gifts, because I enjoy watching him smile. And he’s handsome.

I really hope I get the gifts I asked for.

My in-laws go crazy at holidays.

My MIL’s Christmas tree rivals a department store tree, but with one hundred times the gifts. For the kids, it’s truly magical.

There was a year where The Mister had to drive our loot home in two trips, before we could all fit back in the van to go home. When we got home, it was my job to find a place for two hundred new things. In our 1700 sq ft home. With four kids.

I grew up with humble Christmases, with more focus on family and food and less emphasis on presents. That’s not to say I didn’t get some kick-ass gifts, but the only time my parents went overboard was the year they were retiring. It was so alarming, I feared someone was dying. About ten gifts in, I started to feel uneasy. I wish I was kidding.

When we got married, my MIL asked me for a Christmas List. I hadn’t written a Christmas List since I was twelve, so I felt a little odd while doing it, and embarrassed to give it to her. Then my FIL called to YELL AT ME because there wasn’t enough on there. When Christmas came, I got everything on my list and more. That’s culture shock.
I felt a sense of guilt.

I asked for two things this year. No one complained. Either they’ve grown accustomed to how difficult I am making their holidays, OR, they will buy me other crap anyway. Hopefully, I will get the two things I asked for, and not a pile of obligatory gifts to even out the way it looks…

I think they will spoil the crap out of the kids this year. It’s been so many years since they got to watch them open gifts, I predict mammoth wrapping paper mayhem. That makes me happy for everyone. So many smiling faces…

I’m pretty sure MIL will bawl at some point in the day. It’s strange. She’ll bawl if anyone’s missing, but she’ll bawl when we’re all there, too. I guess she just cries at holidays. Makes me glad she doesn’t drink.

And?!? No one asked me what I wanted at Christmas dinner! MIL asked Moo. *curses* Moo is the worst person to ask. Moo eats everything! When asked what she wants for dinner, she says things like “Broccoli and roasted red peppers and Oreos! Oh! And strawberry milk!” So she’s not the right person to ask. Moo doesn’t care. I care. I want noodles. Do you think it’s too late to demand noodles?

Yes, I did just make turkey noodles on Saturday. That’s not the point. They’re almost gone.

Shoulda asked for noodles…

Posted in Personally | Tagged EvDaDaDec, FIL, food, happiness, holidays, MIL, Moo, The Mister | 6 Comments

I am Not the Chainsaw Lady

Posted on December 29, 2013 by joey

Friend of my friend…family of my other friend…could be my long lost kin…

We’ll call him Mr. F, cause my ball of people is so intertwined, y’all, I couldn’t even begin to explain how tightly wrapped my ball of people is…

Anyway, Mr. F, who is not at all affiliated with Mr. F from Arrested Development, came to the house today with a ladder and a saw and a bucket. He came to trim back my green apple tree and clean out my gutters, God love’im!

It’s supposed to ice over again tonight. I’ll have you know, I will be so much more at peace, knowing my apple tree will not weigh down power lines, and melting snow won’t run into my drywall, and I even got some ice-melty-sandy stuff! I am prepared!

how i can spend the next ice storm…

Initially, I called the power company about the apple tree. I said, “If we had more apples, or a good ice storm, I think that line might come down.” That was a wonderful conversation wherein the lady told me I was responsible for keeping my trees off the lines, because they only trim trees that run pole-to-pole, and this particular line happens to run pole-to-house.

I have a pruning saw. An electric whirring thing, that I use to trim my hedges. Since I had a sixty-foot hedge at my last Indiana home, I all but begged The Mister to buy me a chainsaw. Apparently, there’s something about me that makes me not qualified to handle a chainsaw. He might say it’s because I’m clumsy, or because I’m small, or because I have weak hands, but I think it all translates to how I don’t have a penis.
“Just a little chainsaw?”
“No.”
“It would make it so much quicker!”
“No.”

With no hope of getting a chainsaw, I called a few tree trimming places. Hahahaha! They quoted me $500-1000 to trim. I was all, “Nooo, you don’t understand. These are twenty-to-thirty feet from the ground, just a few skinny branches. You don’t need a cherry picker or anything like that. I could do it myself if I could handle a chainsaw…”

i can’t believe she’s not wearing a slip!

Apparently, they understood me just fine, and I guess they make fifty bucks a minute to cut down tiny tree limbs when they’re not ma’amin the hell out of people on the phone.

As Mr. F trimmed the tree, I hauled the branches off to The Back Forty. It took about fifteen minutes, maybe twenty, for him to clear the the power lines. He cut back larger branches on the side, so I wouldn’t be in the same predicament next year. When he was done, I said, “I fail to see why anyone should be paid five hundred to a thousand dollars for that amount of work.” He just laughed.

While he cleaned the gutters, I raked the front yard.

i wore pink cotton pajamas and my barn jacket, but i looked just like this...

i wore pink cotton pajamas, boots, and my barn jacket, but i looked just like this, i bet…

There is somethin so rewarding about yard work. I looked a mess, the cold gave me a runny nose, the raking gave me sore shoulders, draggin the limbs of the tree hurt my hands, but I just loved it! Smell of damp leaves, sun on my face, gentle cool breeze, Mr. F and his favors.

I reckon he’ll get the first apple pie of the season.

Posted in Personally | Tagged EvDaDaDec, home, Mr. F, nature, The Mister | 20 Comments

Morning, Featuring Chubby Squirrel

Posted on December 28, 2013 by joey

It’s unusually warm and sunny here today.

Let me tell you how I found out:

I woke up because my dog was tremendously excited about morning, how dogs are. None of her hand-licking and whining had stirred me enough, so she resorted to jumping on my bladder and barking playfully.
Being the responsible adult that I am, I hollered for Sassy to come take the dog out. Sassy did not answer, but the dog was further excited by my shouting, so she proceeded to run in circles and pounce s’more.

I got up.
My hair was already up. I don’t know exactly what happens to my hair while I sleep, but I’m pretty sure it involves faeries and epoxy of some sort…

I slipped on my boots, grabbed my coat and a much-needed hat, leashed the pouncing dog and off we went to the back yard.
Not cold at all. If my hair had been calm, I wouldn’t have needed the hat. Certainly didn’t need the coat or boots. Sun, warm on my face. I turned my face up to the sun, and heard my dog come running. I stepped on her leash to stop her.

Good thing.

Chubby Squirrel had walked through the garden gate, just a few feet from me, and stared me right in the eye, which I believe is Squirrel for “Would you happen to have anymore nuts, please?”

The dog might have lunged at Chubby Squirrel, but I happened to be standing on her leash.

I was so shocked. I couldn’t believe the bravery of the squirrel.

Chubby Squirrel took his leave, into one of the apple trees. Then he and the dog stared at one another for nearly an hour. I made coffee, fed the cats, wrangled my hair, put dishes away…
Finally, I had to go out there and walk her away from the squirrel in the tree.

Chubby Squirrel will just hafta munch apples today. We’re out of foods for squirrels. Corn cobs, all gone. Nuts, all gone. No squirrel foods, even for beloved brave ones who nonchalantly walk up to dogs and humans.

Posted in Random Musings | Tagged Chubby Squirrel, EvDaDaDec, home, lifestyle, nature | 4 Comments

It’s Me, isn’t it?

Posted on December 27, 2013 by joey

You know, eventually, Christmas wears off, and someone spends Boxing Day in their pajamas, watching movies and playing games all into the wee hours, so they wake up at eleven o’clock on the 27th, and despite the joy of snuggling with their husband, two girls, two cats and a dog on a lazy Friday morning, at some point, they get up and realize someone has to clean the house, do the laundry, make entirely new food, and take a freakin shower.

That someone is me.

This is exactly what I don’t look like:

I may be a fan of the comma, with its friendly phrases and clauses, and maybe I’m even a fan of a good, long run-on, but I am definitely a fan of clean people and houses.