joeyfullystated

#ThursdayDoors — The Scottish Rite Cathedral

Posted on September 29, 2016 by joey

Sometimes when you’re trying to get the entire facade of a building, it’s difficult. The advice has been to stand on the other side of the street.

I stood on the other side of the street.

But still, no.

I walked to the corner opposing the Cathedral.

I was committed to getting it all, but um, no.

Maybe it’s better in the daylight? From the other corner?

Maybe a little better, but still no.

It’s a gigantic church, okay?
The Scottish Rite Cathedral was built between 1927 and 1929 for 2.5 million dollars. It is a Freemasonry building and each section can be divided precisely by measures of three, many by thirty-three.
It seats 1200, has a pipe organ, a carillon, its own orchestra, and it’s said to be one of the best examples of Neo-Gothic architecture in the United States, receiving more than 10,000 visitors a year.

All that, and I’ve never even been inside it!
They do events on a level of floating ballroom anyone? And also, OMAWORDSOMUCHSHINYPRETTYWHOATHECHANDELIERSYALL!
There’s a link to take a virtual tour. I won’t lie, it’s a stunning peek, but all that spinning played hell with my vertigo.
For $3 one can tour it in person. I think I should go. Perhaps Benson would like to accompany me?

It has beautiful doors. Oh the stained glass!

#ThursdayDoors is part of an inspired post series run by Norm Frampton. To see other doors of interest, or to share your own, click the link.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Thursday Doors | 54 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday — Beansprouts Bring the Noise

Posted on September 28, 2016 by joey

“In the middle of the night, I thought a train whistle woke me, but it was the sound of my bottom!”

One-Liner Wednesday is brought to you by LindaGHill

Posted in Personally | Tagged One-Liner Wednesday | 21 Comments

Truth is Golden? No, Wait, That’s Silence.

Posted on September 27, 2016 by joey

Per my promotion of Craig Boyack’s latest work, when I wrote that I was a bad person for not writing about what I read, I thought I’d offer you my explanation. You can call it an excuse, but I’d call it a reason — These words merely illustrate perspective.

I don’t read reviews on books.
I’m not sayin never, but as a rule, I don’t. Last year when I finished The Goldfinch, I went to Goodreads and read reviews from people who hated it, because I hated it too, and I wanted the sorta satisfaction one gleans from other haters. It made me feel better. After spending five nights reading that long, drawn-out, overly descriptive piece of crap, I needed the giddy refreshment of vindication.
I know, a lot of people liked The Goldfinch.

A lot of people liking something has never been good advertising for me.

As I, and Ted Mosby, and the Coat Check Wench, know, a lot of stuff that everybody likes doesn’t live up to the hype.

I’m no hipster. I kinda like living under my rock.

I do not Fangirl. Ever.

I take my own preferences seriously, and I don’t recommend things freely. When something rocks my world, I do go on about it. I read a lot of good books, but I don’t encounter a lot of books that rock my world. Just because a book rocked your world doesn’t mean it will rock mine, and I presume that goes both ways.

It takes a certain kind of person, who gets me, who knows what I already like, to know what I might like to read, listen to, watch, what have you. There are a handful of people who influence my reading selection. They’re none of them bloggers, none of them experts or critics, certainly not strangers on Goodreads.

It’s too personal.
It’s too personal to tell someone you don’t like their creation.
Have you never dated an artist of any kind? Have you never had to say “I really like you personally. You’re a good and interesting person, but I would rather drive all the way to Iowa in a series of roundabouts than to spend another minute of my life suffering the experience of your art.”
It’s an effective way to end a relationship.

Along those same lines, it’s amazing how many creations we love, but are appalled by the artist as a person.
You know it’s true.

And the stuff I like? Well I like it for obscure personal reasons. Connecting with some brilliant sentence on page 46…

All my life people have praised me for my honesty and my candor and that’s all fine and good, I like that in people, too. If you’re like that, then you know, people value your honest opinion unless it is about them.

Example:

The Mister said he missed an update on a relative’s health, didn’t know what was goin on. Heavens to Murgatroyd, he almost had to call his mama!

Our friend Dee said, “If you wanna share important updates on Facebook, you should private message people first, so they know what the hell is goin on.”

I said, “No, see, I don’t agree with that. I think if I post some shit and you dunno what the fuck I’m talkin about then you’re not in the know cause you didn’t care that much in the first place and you should prolly just mind your own goddamn business.”

They all laughed.
“Y’all know that’s how I do.”
“And that’s why we love you.”

Truth telling about other people is best limited to those who tell the truth. Those people are rare. I’m married to one. We both have the same policy, “Don’t ask me for my opinion, cause I’ll give it to you.”

If I had to sit in front of Donna Tartt, I wouldn’t mention her book. If she mentioned it, I’d say, “Yes, Congratulations on your Pulitzer, you must be so pleased!” Y’all, she could be a good and interesting person, I don’t know. But I’d put money on her having at least one friend who didn’t like her book.

I realize that as a person who writes fiction, it may be construed as rude not to write reviews for other authors, especially friends…Still…It is my right to be such a bad person.

I have the right to decline being a beta reader, the right to charge you for editing, and the right to buy your work and never read it.

After having written all that, how could anyone possibly want my honest opinion?

Posted in Personally | 31 Comments

Share Your World #39

Posted on September 26, 2016 by joey

A class you wish you would have taken?
I wish I’d had the math to keep going in genetics. I’d still like to take a pastry class.

Favorite comic figure and why?
Comics aren’t my thing, but I do love Deadpool. His snark is irreverent and hilarious.

Something you wish you could like?
So many things. Warm weather, for one. Like, what would it be like to enjoy the summer? Or trips to tropical places? What must it be like? People seem to truly enjoy that stuff. Unfathomable.

First crush/ first date/ first kiss?
My first crush was Kermit the Frog and I’m not sure about the other two.

Who was your best friend when you were 10?
Kiwi

What sign are you? Do you believe in astrology?
I’m born with my sun in Sagittarius, which is said to make me curious, energetic, brutally honest, with a hunger for learning, love for change, and a need for freedom that is non-negotiable. So YES, I believe in astrology. I don’t understand why people believe the moon works the tides, while at the same time believing the entire universe has no effect on them. I was eight when I picked up my first astrology book. You could say I never put it down.
The Mister’s Sagittarius too. Do people even draw cute pictures of you and your spouse?

centaur_au_thorki__3_by_thacmis-d7b7ljo

Moo is also Sag, and Bubba and Sissy are Aries. Lotta fire at our house. Poor Sassy, she’s air.

Bonus question: What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?
We got a lot of things done this weekend, which I suppose could sound like work, and I suppose it was work, but I do so love to get things done. Exciting for me is probably not exciting to you, but I am the sort of person who gets excited about sheers without kitten snags, clean baseboards, a freshly bleached sink, and those crossing vees The Mister makes in the carpet when he vacuums.
In a more romantic vein, The Mister brought me flowers — dark red mums and yellow Peruvian lilies, a sunflower, dried rose hips, and a creamy white hydrangea — very End of Summer, very Fall is Coming. I realize Autumn has technically arrived, but here, it’s been a bit shy. Today started out gray and rainy and cool and it feels spectacular. This week promises to be substantially cooler. There aren’t any 80s to be seen.

Cee’s Share Your World is a weekly feature and all are welcome to play along.

What’s going on in your world?

Posted in Personally | Tagged gratitude, happiness, lifestyle, Moo, nature, Sassy, SYW, The Mister | 25 Comments

SoCS — And Now This?!

Posted on September 24, 2016 by joey

Moo recently discovered that the local elementary school, the girls’ former elementary school, no longer allows walkers. Even the kids whose homes are literally across the street. No matter how close, no walking!

I imagine this has to do with safety, but how, I’m not exactly sure. I can tell you in Georgia, every year that Sassy finally got old enough to do anything independently, they changed it, like a cruel joke. She’d get old enough to walk to school by their former standards and they’d raise the minimum on the ‘appropriate’ age. Then they raised the age she had to be to walk Moo with her. At some point, their 15-year-old sister wasn’t even old enough to walk them home. They raised the age required to get off the bus without an adult present, and then they made it so that 18-year-old Bubba couldn’t collect them from the bus stop because he wasn’t a parent. He had to run back to the house to get me.

I find this new walking situation particularly humorous considering the bus driver shortage and therefore, bus shortage they’ve had since we’ve lived here, but like so many other things, why should this make any sense?

If we had a damned pedestrian bridge over the crazy busy street, we’da walked there plenty of days. So many days it would have been faster to walk as opposed to hoping a bus would show up. There were days I could have walked them there and walked home before the bus arrived.
They certainly could’ve walked home all the time.

Here I am, wishing for a more pedestrian-friendly city and the school is forbidding students to walk.

There are surely close to a hundred family homes surrounding the school. I imagine at least a dozen of those people bought their houses thinking, “Oh this’ll be great, so close to the school, the kids can walk!” I bet not even once did they wonder if they were on the bus route to the elementary school.

I seriously considered this when we bought our house. They can walk to middle school and high school. They may not need to often, but if they miss the bus, if they have afters and no one is available to collect them, they can walk.

I hope they don’t change that for the older kids. I will be all up in the school in raving lunatic mode.

I wonder if the church and charter schools within walking distance have the same policy now?

I saw walkers every single morning I drove in.
But now, some kids are walking away from the school to a corner where they can catch the bus to school. Absurdity.

I’m getting too old to have kids in school. I can tell because I’ve become critical of everything. Like, the sheer hypocrisy of pamphlets they sent home about proper nutrition and exercise! They say they want to fight the childhood obesity epidemic. That’s why they’ve banned the rolling bookbag, they say. Yet, have you seen what they feed the children for breakfast and lunch?!? Gone are the days of lunch ladies who cook nutritious food for an army. Now, it’s all prepackaged crap.

Breakfast could be any number of things you’d expect, but it could also be a Hostess-variety Honeybun, Dolly Madison danish, Donut Stix, or lunch leftovers. For lunch, they serve children food loaded with excess fat and carbs, consider pizza and corn vegetables, and sometimes the only fruit offered is a six-ounce juice. An entree might be one skimpy loaded potato skin, referred to as a baked potato, but it may be served with 1% milk and a cookie bigger than their heads.

Sometimes testing eliminates recess altogether for weeks. They sometimes take away the entire recess when students misbehave. They’ve made gym an elective.

Meanwhile, they pass out candy as reward.

Instead of encouraging me to give my kids more water and take up cycling as a family, they may as well write, “Due to the fact that we load your kids up on empty calories all day and deprive them of activity, we’re going to need you to become a health nut.”

But yeah, let’s have kids who could walk get on a bus instead. Bravo.

SoCS ‘bus’ is brought to you by LindaGHill

Posted in Personally | Tagged lifestyle, Moo, parenting, Sassy, SOCS | 34 Comments

Dutiful Wife

Posted on September 23, 2016 by joey

This is the story of how my day was ruined by the mysterious disappearance of my navy blue pants.
Nothing quite so tragic had befallen me since The Pillow Incident of 2015.

We were about to go away for our annual Labor Day trip and therefore, I had a lot to do. The Mister, because he’s The Original Man Without A Plan, (we’ll do that post sometime when I’m mad at him or he’s in a super good mood) gave me additional duties. No, I don’t know what the fuck he was thinkin. Prolly some reasonable shit like I work fewer hours than he does and I don’t take a full course load on top of that or whatever.

Additional duties:

1. Drop battered Old Glory at the VFW.
Well, I tried, but what I thought was the nearest VFW turned out to be The American Legion and I’ve got to look that up. There has GOT to be one on the fort. Imma look it up, I really am.

2. Pay water bill.
Yes, in person, because the dumbass water company can’t bill properly to save their lives and they still haven’t hired a deposit specialist to cash the fucking checks. I went in there, slid my statement and my $100 bill through the slot in the glass and the lady said somethin about One-fifty-two-somethin and I said, “Pardon me?” as indignantly as I possibly could. She said a new bill was due on the 15th. I said, “That’s nice, I don’t have a new bill yet. I’m just paying the bill we do have.” Maybe I said it a little bit through my teeth.

3. Mail insurance dooji.
I don’t know what the fuck it’s called. It’s that thing that plugs into your car and magically records your driving. I often drop our office’s residual mail at the Castleton post office on the way home. I’ve cultivated relationships at the post office. I’ve become That Lady Who Always Asks If We’re Sure.
“And you’re sure it will be postmarked today?”
“Yes.”
“I just want to be sure.”
“We’re sure.”
I don’t have to tell them I have anxiety disorder and trust issues. They know.
*makes note to take baked goods to post office ladies*

4. Get Bonnie Blue serviced.
This is a total Man Job, am I right? The Mister always does the car things. Good golly, I don’t wanna deal with oil changes and tire rotations and men who call me Little Lady. But then The Mister started talkin about the utterly complex agenda he had formulated, somethin about him takin the car in early and then bringin it home at lunch and it started to sound like one of those story problems with the trains so I said, “I’ll take it.”

I had planned to wear my navy blue pants and a sleeveless floral blouse and my red granny sandals which are quite comfortable. I have little control over my life, I just like knowing what the fuck I’m going to wear, okay? It comforts me.
So I straightened my hair and put my face on and I was sorta la-ti-da-ing and tra-la-la-ing around in my underwear, pleased as pie about how it was a Navy Blue Day only two days til we’d leave and I sang a lil tune about the lovers the dreamers and meeeeee….and MY NAVY BLUE PANTS WERE NOT IN MY PANTS SECTION!

Do you fuckin believe that shit?

So I checked in the blue section. Non et non et non. My frenzy heightened….

(At our house, it’s customary I do the washing machine bit. Generally Moo rotates the laundry. Usually Sassy puts the dry clothes on our bed and everyone takes care of their own putting away. Except The Mister went to bed early the night before and so he put away my things too, that asshole.)

So I did what most women do in a fashion crisis — I put on all black. I wore my black pencil skirt and my black summer sweater and my black espadrilles.

I sent an urgent email to my family:

my navy blue pants? anyone?

*cries in black skirt*

The Mister, he sent me back:

Sorry, I wore them today

NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR FUNNIES, MISTER!

Later he text me that he’d hung them up and he didn’t remember where. I couldn’t even.

I was driving to work when I realized I had chosen the absolute worst thing to wear. You see, I work so close to the car dealership, I can literally walk there, which may or may not be why it makes sense that I should be the one to drop Bonnie Blue off, so just shut up with your logic and shit.
I could envision myself walking from the dealership to my office in my navy blue pants and my sensible granny sandals, lookin all mom-like, but I didn’t want to walk DOWN THE STREET in my skirt and my heels, lookin all woman-like because well, we covered that Tuesday.

They offer shuttle service The Mister text me.
oh good, cause i really wanna hike my ass into a fucking shuttle in this skirt.

FYI: Even in a fashion crisis, black summer sweater not the best choice for temperatures close to 100.

I asked Mentor if she minded picking me up. She did not mind.

I drove over to the dealership and it was all very complicated with the men and the lack of signage or any indication of procedure and automatic doors and the removal of the key from my ring, but I managed.

That man asked for my odometer reading and because I am me, I stared blankly at him and said, “My what?! Oh miles. I dunno. Not many.” Is that a normal question? Who the fuck knows how many miles are on their car on a random Wednesday in August? Shut up, I wasn’t askin you.

I arranged for the shuttle driver to pick me up after work. She was a little late, but she took me to the dealership in her lovely air-conditioned van upon which she had just installed running boards. She understood my navy blue pants problem.

It turns out Sassy had put my navy blue pants in Moo’s room BECAUSE SHE HATES ME as all children secretly hate their mothers.

In exchange for these extra duties, The Mister said he’d help me pack. He packed his own clothes.
He simply forgot every single one of his toiletry items.

Happy Friday Everyone! May you have all that you need for the weekend!

Posted in Personally | Tagged anxiety, family, kids, lifestyle, marriage, Moo, neurotic, parenting, Sassy, The Mister | 41 Comments

#ThursdayDoors — Update on The Big Blue House

Posted on September 22, 2016 by joey

For those of you who are regular visitors, you should be familiar with The Big Blue House. For those of you who don’t know, The Big Blue House is a house that belonged in The Mister’s family for a long, long time.

For most of the year, someone’s been workin lil by lil on it. In June, I shared how The Big Blue House got a new door.

Most of us liked it, and almost all of us agreed that it’s great someone is putting effort into the house again.

Well, this week, The Mister was on his way to the DQ when he called to tell me Big News on The Big Blue House — The Big Blue House is no more. Now, it’s the Big Orange House!

I stopped over there last night to take a photo. The boy one, he asked me, “Why is this house so familiar?”
“It was Mamaw’s house. Usta be blue.”
“Oh, wow. It seemed so much bigger when I was a kid.”

Yeah, growing up does that to us all, hm?

Some of us love it, because orange is Moo’s favorite color. Other people, like Sassy, are orange haters, whether because orange or because sister, I do not know. Some of us just wanted it to stay the way it was.
I am a fan. I’m so frickin glad it’s not beige or tan or khaki, I revel in its orangeness. I’m thrilled for that house, I am. Happy as can be!

I’m sure at some point I’ll re-update you on its fixins.

For Old Time’s Sake, I’ll also share with you the door of another big blue house I spent a lot of time in.

#ThursdayDoors is part of an inspired post series run by Norm Frampton. To see other doors of interest, or to share your own, click the link.

What say you about The Big Orange House?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged MIL, The Mister, Thursday Doors | 41 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday — Cute Sex Story

Posted on September 21, 2016 by joey

At age five, Little Moo pointed to the word sex in her animal Eyewitness book and proclaimed, “I know about sex!”
I said, “Oh yeah?”
She shouted out proudly, “My sex is female!”

One-Liner Wednesday is brought to you by LindaGHill

Posted in Random Musings | Tagged Moo, parenting | 9 Comments

The Presence of a Man

Posted on September 20, 2016 by joey

On Saturday, I dropped Sassy off at the American Legion Mall, “Are those your people?”
“Yes.”
“Get out, vite! vite!”
I put the hazards on and double parked to let her out, and then I drove around to find a parking space.

The Universe was kind, offering me a spot on a corner, so I didn’t even have to officially parallel park, just pull over and back up. So nice.
I never use parking meters anymore. I took quarters, but the meters all indicated free parking. Has it always been like that? I dunno, my husband usually feeds the meter.
I’d parked two blocks west and three blocks south of Sassy.

It wasn’t too crowded by downtown standards, not for a Saturday with events. But guess how many times I was — whatever the phrase for that is — Verbally accosted? Sexually harassed? Made fearful by the behavior of lascivious men?
Go ahead and guess.

Y’all, I am not all that. I was dressed modestly. These things shouldn’t matter, by the by.

The first time, I thought, that’s weird.
The second time, I thought, fuckin really?!?
The third time, it hit me; i am never alone downtown.

I am always with The Mister, or a gaggle of kids and a dog, or a pack of men, never a solitary woman on the street.

The only thing to do is to ignore it and keep moving. When you ignore them, the praise for what yer mama gave you turns into hate and threats. “Smile, Sugar!” becomes “Oh you ain’t got no smile for me? Fuckin bitch. Better watch out.”

What kinda fuckin lunatic walks from here to there with a smile plastered on his face?!? If I see anyone that happy, walkin alone, I will cross the goddamn street!

Men don’t know this unless they do it. The Mister had no idea for most of his life, but I informed him as I am informing you now. I once told him not to lead me through the crowd, but to walk behind me. He thought that was not strong and chivalrous. Well it is. It keeps not so honorable men from pawing and groping and pressing into me. He had no idea such things happened.

Well they do.

So when my inner rage and my “sweet ass” finally got to the grassy area and some asshole offered me some blow for a blow, I found it harder to ignore, but still I walked on.

Just when I’d settled in for the concert, some other asshole approached me asking me to make a call for him.
Y’all, I have let other stranger men use my phone, but either somethin about that guy wasn’t right, or prior events had unsettled me past the point of politesse, but I said no. I didn’t even look up.
“No.”
“Miss, I —-”
He was otherwise polite, I don’t know what he was goin on about, “local and” … still an asshole.
“I’m not makin a call for you. I don’t want to. There are plenty of other people with phones here. Go ask a man!”

On the way back to the car, as I kept right on the walk, a man approached. I kept my head up and made eye contact and he kept comin. He was 50-ish, handsome, well-dressed, but still he kept comin. He had a kinda walk, like prior military, assertive, confident. If I were a man, I’da been thinkin he wanted to kick my ass. what the fuck? why is this man not movin over? what kinda dick move is it to make a lady clear the way? He crossed to a car in front of me.
Then I saw a familiar face, as one is wont to do where one has lived so long. I couldn’t place the face beyond familiar…
He said, “Hello, how’s it goin?”
I said, “Good, thanks.”
oh my god that’s the mayor!
So we exchanged pleasantries how strangers do.
That other guy was his security detail.

I could benefit from security detail.
Lemme tell you, I am all about ‘I do not need a man.’
I love this one who’s got me, and I LIKE to have a man around.

I don’t owe anyone a fucking smile, or the use of my phone, and I shouldn’t need the presence of a man to enforce that.

Posted in Personally | Tagged lifestyle, marriage, The Mister, wtf | 49 Comments

Share Your World #38

Posted on September 19, 2016 by joey

Are you a hugger or a non-hugger?
I am a hugger. I’m a kisser, too.

What is your least favorite Candy?
Those surprise jelly beans that taste like vomit and rotten melons fed to me by Beauty Queen’s oldest. I only eat black jelly beans now. Sense of jelly bean adventure all gone. I don’t like the crazy, atrociously sour candies that are popular these days either, none of that for me. Warheads and sour worms and NO.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “fun”?
“I doubt it.”

List of Favorite Smells: What smells do you love? Whether it’s vanilla scented candles or the smell of coffee in the morning or the smell of a fresh spring rain…make a list of all the things you love for a little aromatherapy.
Oh my. It will rain smell, it’s raining smell, it has rained smell. A study in the verb tenses of rain smell…
Lilac — there is a time in the spring here on my block, lilacs fill the air with an almost tangible pungency. You get used to it and have to leave and return to smell it again. I have considered jarring it.
Lavender, honeysuckle — and tomato stems, basil, rosemary.
Clover, fresh cut grass, wild onion, real pine trees.
Smell of freshwater and saltwater.
Leaf mold and the smell of burning leaves, C’mon Autumn!

Bonus question: What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?
I can scarcely begin. You know, for the first time in quite a while, I did not have a stressful week? I worked more hours, and peopled way more than usual, but touch wood, I was a happy sorta busy for a change. I have to say I am living a life of abundance and at present, I feel that deeply. I am grateful for everything.
Those soft, quiet minutes The Mister and I have between when the alarm goes off and when we get out of bed.
The funny things Moo says and texts to me.
A conversation with my mother that kept me sitting in front of the market laughing and had me smiling all night.
My pride as Sassy sat in the middle of the American Legion Mall, barefoot and straddling a cello in the rain. She was playin with the high school kids, and I spose I was proud for that, but more proud of some anti-shoe genes that run deeply through my mother’s side of the family. Shoes? Love em. Shoes? Don’t wanna wear em.
Hangin out with someone who knew me when I was a kid. Is there anything like the company of an old friend? What I love about that is how much you don’t have to say. The unspoken and yet understood — it’s powerful, isn’t it?
And did you see the moon this weekend? Wowza!
Also, on Friday, after the storms, a certain quality of air snuck in for a bit. Yes, of course it was cooler, but there was a lightness, a crispness in the air not unlike autumn.
My week came with lobster ravioli, Pad Thai, buttery, salty ears of corn, ice cream, and too much fountain Coke. It was a GOOD week.
The worst thing that happened to me was my perfectly smooth and straightened and hair and I got caught in the rain and made friends with a tree. First, my hair grew, then it curled. Randomly. I had to walk around all day lookin like I had a fight with a hairbrush. I always say I can make it rain — just gimme a hair straightener and some mascara!

where ya goin, hairs?

I suppose it’s too much to hope I can have another week like that. This week, I am looking forward to family night at the Los Rancheros — quesoeverything and a margarita, please!

Cee’s Share Your World is a weekly feature and all are welcome to play along.

What’s going on in your world?