Relaxing with the Extremist

All is everything lately. She wrote ‘all or nothing’ and my first thought was nothing. I certainly can’t give all. I need the weekend. I need the nothing.

I do tend to extremes, and generally lean toward all. Balance is the goal, hmm? I’ve been actively seeking balance for more than six years. In truth, I still swing from one side to the other, but I know if I stay away from too much all, I need less nothing. I’m aiming for the middle more often now, so I know I’m doing better.

I loathe starting and hate finishing, which reads odd, like I don’t enjoy doing. I enjoy doing. I so enjoy doing. Better to phrase the middle — Once I get going, I don’t like to stop. I feel sometimes like I can’t stop, because if I stop I’ll have to start again and I hate starting.

It’s raining and sometimes storming all weekend.
I just got two new books and these pajamas are super comfy. Plus The Mister has gone to get take-out.
Even my nothing is full, but it lacks a schedule, and that is all.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday — SoCS ‘all or nothing’ is brought to you by LindaGHill

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Let’s Go to the Mall

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In April, I’d said to my family, “I should like to go to the mall and eat a warm, soft, buttery, salted pretzel.”
The girls were tremendously excited by this because they are teenagers and they truly enjoy the mall. ‘Where things are’ or whatever. We had not been to the mall since Boxing Day and they were probably going through withdrawal over what’s new ‘where things are’.

I hate the mall, but my desire to go to the mall increased ten-fold when I encountered a clothing crisis of epic proportion.

We had tickets to the symphony May 5th. May 5th should be a perfect time to wear a lightweight, flowy dress with a lil sweater or a jacket and strappy sandals. Seriously, I have three perfect outfits to wear for this theoretical May 5th.
The actual May 5th was absolute crap weather for dressing up.  May 5th was all high of 51 and low overnight of 36.

I wanted to wear slacks, a sweater, and loafers.
The Mister wanted to rock a suit.
Ugh.
I expressed my clothing troubles and asked him if he would dress down a lil, and he smirked at me, “I wanna wear a suit.”
“I’ll have to shop!” I declared.

I hate shopping.
Oh My God with the hunting and carrying and the lil strings that tie me up and FUCK ALL THE HANGERS!

I tried to be optimistic and hit Kohl’s before work. I would surely find somethin.

I tried on 13 dresses before work.
I kept one, but not for the date.

Pro-Tip: always straighten hair on clothing try-on days. I went into the dressing room lookin all smooth and wavy and came out lookin like I brawled with a hairbrush.

This does not begin to describe the horrors I experienced inside the dressing room. Ladies, you know.

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The lighting in dressing rooms is the most unflattering light ever. Worse than my master bath.
I am green with red splotches, my hair is brassy, my eyes are sunken with dark circles only a raccoon could love, and all of my veins are DayGlo blue, okay? Additionally, I am super large and lumpy. It’s all very Pilsbury Doughboy meets Fiona the ogre version in there.
But only IN the dressing room. OUTSIDE the dressing room I am decidedly human, even a reasonably attractive mom-type human.

I tried on shoes. I love shoes. I mean, I don’t like to wear them, but I could easily be a shoe monger, because when I do need to wear shoes, I believe one simply cannot have enough choices. And not to brag, but I have nice narrow feet and I can wear any shoe which goes a long way in counteracting the fitting room agony.
I was debating over shoes when I realized it was time to go to work.

Mentor suggested Macy’s. The Macy’s I go to is over by the Target on Keystone, and I hadn’t been able to go there for my precious goat cheese pizza in over a week, because that area is so floody when it rains and it had hellarained. Still don’t have any goat cheese pizza in my freezer… Point being, too floody to go to my Macy’s.

Anyway, when I got home, we went to the mall to hit up that Macy’s.

First we got Sassy a new swimsuit, then we all ate a slice of the giant Sbarro pizza.

Now, I’ve been in the Macy’s at the mall before, just about thirty feet in, to buy a particular lip balm. Then I found out you can order that shit online and so I hadn’t been even thirty feet into Macy’s for about three years.
Well, I went more than thirty feet in. I went deep. It’s… I FUCKING LOVE MACY’S IN THE MALL.
Macy’s in the mall is like a magical clothing oasis. They must have had TWENTY THOUSAND dresses. IN MY SIZE.

After I’d tried on two dresses, The Mister finally offered to dress down a bit.
Then I got the right dress and some very bad tights and also a surprise 30% off. I had tunnel-visioned dresses so hard, I hadn’t even noticed the signs.

When we left Macy’s, pretzels were suggested. I had no room for a pretzel. I could not pretzel, as I had pizza-ed. Since I am not a growing girl, I could only envy Sassy’s pretzel. Isn’t that sad?

Some young smarmy man tried to hit me up with a packet of cream. As has been noted on Dramatic Momologue, you can only fall for the cream vendor once. Some young smarmy fellow takes you to a kiosk where he tells you how pretty you could be with a bit more effort. As he comments on your skin’s flaws, he rubs ancient creams (from plastic packets) on you, tells you how much better you look, and then tries to get you to spend “Only $120 for all these exclusive beauty remedies.” This particular young smarmy man said somethin to me about The Dead Sea. I waved him off. I could not be bothered. Products of the sea cannot work on me. I am not a mermaid. I rely on the essence of trees and plants, for I am a forest creature, as all ogres are.

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Happy Friday Everyone! 

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#ThursdayDoors — Angles & Curves

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And a bit of red.

#ThursdayDoors is part of an inspired post series run by Norm Frampton. To see other doors of interest, or to share your own, click the link.

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One-Liner Wednesday — Caller Crimes

 

The caller described the clerk to me as “A dishy middle-aged woman.”
He added, “Blonde, petite, killer body, thirtyish.”

THIRTYISH?!?

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One-Liner Wednesday is brought to you by LindaGHill

Posted in Random Musings | Tagged | 50 Comments

Share Your World — May 15, 2017

How many languages do you you speak?
Um, I speak English, Sarcasm, and Profanity fluently. I speak French and Toddler proficiently. I speak Spanish poorly, and can only get into trouble in Italian. The latter two, I am much better at reading and eavesdropping. Honestly, you can only read so much without picking up some extra words and phrases in other languages. Like Latin. I didn’t take Latin. I sure know a hell of a lot of Latin for someone who never tried to learn. Of course, people don’t speak Latin anymore, they sorta declare Latin phrases to prove they’re learned, et qui bono? *wink*

What are you reading, watching, listening to, eating?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
I’m between books in a way that I hope one day I get to read a book. I’ve been watching Community at night, I’ve been listening to the soundtrack from Suicide Squad, and I’ve been eating food of course, mostly take-out, but not yet today.

What was the last photo you took with your phone?
Haha! Well, I never claimed to be good at photography.

Oops
Here’s the second one, which I think we can all agree is more interesting.

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What is your favorite time of day?
I like the bed times. I love that part of the morning when my body is languid and my mind is still in the surreal. I love the part where I come home and sprawl across the bed with my family and pets. I love evenings when we all huddle up on the bed and talk about the important stuff. I love how we finally get to bed at night and my back gets scratched. Plus some other stuff involving bed. Bedtimes are decidedly my favorite.
I like the wee hours, too, but only if I can go to bed after the rush.
Man, I miss my bed RIGHT NOW.

Optional Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?
I had a good week followed by a spectacular weekend.
Saturday The Mister drove me all the way to the south side to a shop I love. I got five beautiful new pots for my poor root-bound plants!  Max, for one, is grateful, as his color’s been off for some time now. Max is really big. I tried to photograph him, but it was super awkward, so this is what I decided on.

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Also, one of the reasons I love that particular shop is because they sell Poppycock.
Things my MIL taught me #405: Shopping is so much better with Poppycock.
I shared. A little.

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The Mister mowed the lawn, while Moo and I got the obligatory quintessential red geraniums. Moo planted herbs while I re-potted the houseplants and some begonias. Little weeding, little fussing. Stuck some succulents in a planter. I know, it sounds like chore-type stuff, but for a gardener, it’s dreamy.
I cut some peonies and set them on the table, and then we did the thing we’re best at — sitting on the porch and smiling at all the pretty. It was a beautiful day.

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Sunday, I woke to find coffee and a card that began, “A Love Letter to My Wife” — Whoa. The Mister cleared TWO garden beds in preparation for my tomatoes, sunflowers, and radishes.
I did not cook or clean all weekend.
I am ever so grateful my husband went above and beyond to give me a terrific weekend for Mother’s Day.
The girls were sweet too, but I have a feeling their sweetness had been ordained…

This week coming up is too busy for me. Field trips, early morning drop-offs, evening drop-offs, supervising culinary homework, handing out money like it’s cool, concerts, awards — on top of the regular work, cooking, laundry, errands — That’s the real May for moms! Heh. Just like December, full of wrapping-up and celebrating another semester’s progress. I can complain despite my pride, but really, it’s only ten more days til I turn off the weekday alarm, so I think I can manage!

Cee’s Share Your World is a weekly feature and all are invited to join in and play along.

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What’s going on in your world?

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No Doggo Talkies

The other night when we were all piled-up on the bed with the animals, we spoke for the dog.

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Dogs do communicate in their own way. Sometimes we really wish Sadie could speak our language.

But think about it.
Really think about it.
If dogs could talk, THEY WOULD NEVER SHUT UP.

DADDY’S UP!
GOOD MORNING DADDY!
I LOVE YOU!
YOUR CROTCH SMELLS TERRIFIC!
I will go lie with Mama now. Goin to lie with Mama, goin to lie with Mama… Uh oh, Catticus, walkin closer to the wall, walkin closer to the wall. MAMA! Catticus so mean!

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I love you Mama!
“Aw, Sadie, I love you.”

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No pet Clara. No, am prettier. No, am sweeter. Go away Clara! How you say you love me and pet her?
Dammit Clara, I just try to help you clean your butt!

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“Sadie, Off!”
No be mean Moo! I was here first! You guys, no! No fair! All humans and cats on warm, soft bed, all pettings and snuggles and me down here on floor all alone and HAHA! Cletus, they don’t want you, either! 

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Chasing Cletus! Chasing Cletus! 

Okay Moo, let’s go out! Goin out, goin out, goin out! Leashes suck, but I’m goin out! 

Oooh, Mama sittin up! Gonna be kibble time soon! Gonna be kibble time soon!

Mama pee! HOW EXCITING! Touch me! Touch me while you pee! No, not her, me! Touch me! Touch me! I sit your lap, too? Catticus, there’s no room for you in here. Oh, you own bathroom? Cool. Okay, I go. Excuse me. Pardon me, Your Highness.

OH MY GOD SHE’S POURING COFFEE! GONNA BE KIBBLE TIME SOON!

Don’t leave. No leave. No. Sadie go?
“Puppy not go.”
I no go. Oh so sad. I no go.

HI! HI! HI! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THAT! I THOUGHT YOU NEVER COME HOME!

Cat food smells delicious! I’ll clean the can! Hey! At least let me lick the lid!
KIBBLE! KIBBLE! Shake shake, whatever, yes, I good girl.

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I see you have a danish. I love danishes. Never had one, but I know I love danishes.
“Too much sugar for puppies. Too much sugar for humans, really.”
Hypocrite.

I’M OUTTA WATER! I’M DYING! I DIG AND DIG IN WATER BOWL, BUT NO WATER! Oh you get water? Thank you. Thank you so much. Was dying.

I see you pet Catticus again. I am also fluffy and cute. Touch me. Yes, am good dog.

 

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MAILMAN ALERT! MAILMAN ALERT! DANGER! THE MAILMAN GONNA KILL US! How you just sit there and let him walk around our yard?!? I smell him! Can you not smell him!?

Why you eat that? Weirdo. Wait, does Cletus like it? Cletus, it smell good to you? Maybe I do like.
“Puppy no like tangerines.”
Oh. Yeah. No thanks.

Please spill some Rice Krispies. Please spill some Rice Krispies. Please spill some Rice Krispies. Thank you. 
Please give me the bowl. Please give me the bowl. Please give me the bowl. 
Why you let Catticus lick it? Why you love him more?
“There ya go.”
Thank you. Stupid cat can’t even drink all the milk.

Let’s play!
Nope. MY BALL!

 

I see you pet Cletus. I also soft and cute. Touch me. Yes, I am a good dog.

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I see you in bathtub. I not in the bathtub, hahaha! Nana-nana-boo-boo! Haha! Not my bathtime! Haha! Hey, is that water any good? Smells good. Mm, not bad.
OH MY GOD YOUR FEET ARE DELICIOUS! You know, the water itself isn’t great, and you’re feet aren’t great, but together, TASTY! MMM! FANTASTIC!

What you do with cat poo? Smell yummy. Get some for me. Get some for me. Fine, I’ll get some myself.
“Huh-uh, Out!”
Dang.

I see you pet Clara again. I too a pretty girl. I sweet. Touch me. Yes, am a good dog.
“I love you.”
I love you too. I love you way lots more than you love me.

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Yes! Let’s go out! I not be out in so long! Back off Cletus! Cletus not go!

 

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“Did Puppy make a boom boom?”
Yes, I make a boom boom. I made two, but I know you can’t math.
“You wanna cookie?”
Yes, want a cookie! Love cookies!
“Who is the best dog ever?”
I am the BEST DOG EVER!
“Lie down.”
OKAY! Hey, this only half a cookie. Is whole cookie for two boom booms too much math for you?!

I want some toothpaste. I want some mouthwash. The moisturizer smells good, too. Oh no, no noisy shoes. Oh no, no, you’re gonna leave me aren’t you?

I prepare my crate for sad nap. I will carry in this bone and hey, is that paper plate from danish? Oh yeah, that’s comin with me. If Cletus can drink cold coffee, I can have plate.

Um, HELLO!?! You not close my crate. Have no cookie. No meat. Not even a handful of peas. Am good dog and demand structure! DID YOU NOT SEE ME IN MY CRATE WAITING? DO YOU SEE ME NOW?!?
“Crap. I’m sorry Dog Dog.”
COOKIE! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!
“Bit o turkey?”
OH MY GOD TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY! I love you! You the best!
“Be good. Girls be home soon. Love you.”
I sad. Girls be home in a century. I love you too. You not go. We should always be together.

HI! HI! HI! HI! I MISSED YOU! YOU SMELL GREAT! YOUR LEGS TASTE BETTER AFTER WORK. DID YOU EAT CHICKEN WITHOUT ME? OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?!? TOUCH ME. RUB ME ALL ABOUT THE BELLY. AH, YEAH.

Aw, Jeez. Don’t hold Moo. I sit you lap. I baby.

Sassy, no, get off! My mama! My mama! I baby too.

Fuck you Clara! Fuck all y’all!

DADDY’S HOME! DADDY’S HOME! YOU GUYS! VAN! I HEAR VAN! YOU NOT HEAR IT? DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY’S COMIN!
HI! HI! HI! I MISSED YOU! YOU SMELL GREAT! DOES EVERYONE EAT CHICKEN WITHOUT ME? OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?!?

There no reason to give stale crackers to critters. I eat stale crackers. I critter also.

I see you chop things. I smell pig. Is that pig? Gimme some pig! Gimme some pig! Catticus, go away. No, no pig for Catticus! Pig for Sadie! Sadie’s pig! Sadie’s pig! Haha, Catticus, I got more than you!

 

JESUS CHRIST THERE’S A BUNNY IN THE YARD!
WAS THAT A FUCKIN CAT?
CAT! CAT! CAT!
“Oh mmhm, that not your kitty.”
I KNOW IS NOT MY KITTY. I NEED CHASE THAT KITTY. And maybe roll in filth. BUT FIRST GET THE KITTY!
WHERE’D THAT RABBIT GO?

I not believe y’all sit there and eat that right in front of me.

 

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Mama said Puppy Out. I heard it. Who’s takin me? Are you takin me? Let’s go! I gotta pee!

Sassy no, you already had Mama time. Pet me! I so jealous! Pet me!
“You love the dog more than me.”
“I do not.”

SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL!
“Sadie! Stop!”
SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL!
I not sit with you and be good dog while squirrel on porch. Are you insane?!?

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WALKIES!? YAAASSS! When I am human and you are dog, I make you wear this on your nose and not let you eat goose poop or old chicken bones or anything. This is terrible. And you walk slow. Goddamn.

Stupid cat, afraid of cookie sheet. I show that cookie sheet a good time. Lemme at it.
“Okay.”
Pig grease good. No, wait! I not clean whole thing! Can do better! Give me more time!

OH HELL NO! THIS MY YARD MOTHERFUCKER! GET OUT OF MY YARD!
Oh, wait, I know that dog. Hey Max. Where’s your leash? Where’s your mama?
MAX OUT WITHOUT LEASH! MAX RUN FREEEEEEE! THIS IS UNJUST! I GO OUT WITHOUT A LEASH! OH MY GOD, MAX ROLL IN FILTH WITHOUT ME!

 

Daddy noooo, don’t close the door. Cookie? A cookie would really help right now.
No cookies?

HAHA! Moo left milk unattended! HAHAHA! YUMMY!

I see you pet Catticus again. He not good kitty. He no love me. See my belly? Love it. I love you.
“I love you.”

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Happy Friday Everyone!
Run free and eat cookies!

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#ThursdayDoors — When A Door is More

I originally clicked this door because it had a reddish hue to it and then when I got to editing, I sorta fell in love with its vibe.

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This entryway has a lot of good stuff goin on. Lots of texture, color, and warmth. I’m fond of the ceiling, the stained glass, the colors, the wreath… I even like the shadows and the reflection.

BUT, what really got me during editing was the table. I own that table.

I have one of two my mother gave to me years ago. I gave the other one to Bubba. I wrote about it here.

The table reminds me of my parents.
If you know my parents, scroll back up and have a lil hehe moment, but for the rest of you, I’ll just say: Papa built birdhouses for years. Although his were of a secular nature, all wooden birdhouses remind me of him. Also, he collects frogs. And don’t those rolled-up papers remind you of blueprints?

I never noticed any of this when I took the photo.

#ThursdayDoors is part of an inspired post series run by Norm Frampton. To see other doors of interest, or to share your own, click the link.

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One-Liner Wednesday — Drivin The Mister

The Mister braced himself for the speed of my driving, how he does.

“Whatever. I’m an excellent driver,” I said.
“Okay, Rainman,” The Mister retorted.

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One-Liner Wednesday is brought to you by LindaGHill

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Let’s Bitch About Tuesday

If y’all are sick of all my gratitude and happiness… Ew.
If you have to read one more post about my brilliant, hysterical children… Gag.
More matrimonial bliss… Puke.

NOT TODAY!

Life is all about balance, so let’s bitch.

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We’re runnin the heat in May. You know I don’t mind these temperatures, but it IS May. With the cool weather and the rain, I’m havin flashbacks to last May when it was too wet to till and the initial planting all washed out.

There was a municipal car parked on my street for about 30 minutes the other day. When I left, I overheard one of my neighbors talkin to the driver — and it was about the height of grasses! Well! I’ll have you know, our grass was the shortest on the block as The Mister had just cut it the night before in what turned out to be a few dry hours. But it is not right to ticket lawns when it had stormed for four days and there wasn’t a sunny day in sight. That’s just playin dirty. People still hadn’t even cleaned up the debris, let alone mowed. The only reason The Mister had done ours was because his riding lawn mower had arrived and he wanted to drive it all over. He might have done that in a lightnin storm, you know how men do.

The other day I had to turn around because the HIGH WATER sign was floating. Ducks swam around trees.

All this unholy rain means Broad Ripple has been flooded. I should be more concerned about property damage for those who live there, but really, I’m just pissy because my Target is over there, and my Target is where the goat cheese pizza is, and I could not safely travel to my goat cheese pizza, and we ate the last one Wednesday, and when I finally went there Saturday, they were SOLD OUT. FML.
Don’t you dare laugh at how I stock up. I went a few weeks without stockin up and look what happened!!!
Stop eating the goat cheese pizza! Target sells that for ME. Y’all need to stick to your meat crap.

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Speaking of meat crap, I recently devoured a ten ounce prime rib like it was my job. I hadn’t done that since I carried Sassy. I worried briefly over whether I’d gotten pregnant, but it turns out I needed to store up iron for another installment of reverse puberty exsanguination. I literally do not understand how I am still alive. I am a miracle.

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I wore Spanx tights over the weekend. Do Not Recommend.
I have other Spanx items because every now and again, I like to spend ten minutes doing the self-loathing interpretive dance of women who eat too much ice cream but still deserve to look good in white pants or a jersey knit dress cut on the bias. Those tights, though… My ovaries held their breath. I didn’t need the tension, I only bought them because they were on sale a dollar cheaper than my regular brand and they were reversible — navy on one side, black on the other. What a practical, thrifty gal, hm?
Over the course of the evening, the tights slowly rolled down to low rise, and let’s just say it was good I wore a peasant dress. My navel was cold anyway; I’da been better off with some knee-high socks.
I bought the right size. I’m a D. D is like, “You cute, but too short and chubby to get a better grade.” And now itty bitty Moomy has a new pair of reversible tights. Long may her ovaries breathe.

I got sunburn in the part of my hair. You have never really lived until your head is sore for unknown reasons. Clearly this is fatal. Prolly a brain lesion. Losin yer hairs to a disease that will be named after you. Damn sunshine. Damn anxiety disorder.

Fear almost as bad as when your kid hits her head on a lead pipe in the laundry room and you hafta watch her like a hawk, so you can’t sleep and creep in to check her breathing and poke her face while she sleeps. Damn motherhood. Damn anxiety disorder.

My lip is lookin normalish and havin one red spot on it which apparently only I can see, but it hasn’t stopped tingling. It’s dying to break back out and ooze, I can feel it. I continue to balm the fuck out of it and pop Lysine like a junkie.
Spent about ten minutes last night havin a panic over the other side of my lip. I was dying of the thought that the herpes had spread before remembering — It’s a fuckin papercut. Damn envelopes. Damn anxiety disorder.

It’s raining again. Thunderstorms are due at rush hour.

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How’s your Tuesday? Got a buncha stuff to bitch about?

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Share Your World — May 8, 2017

When you’re alone at home, do you wear shoes, socks, slippers, or go barefoot?
I go barefoot unless my feet are cold. Then I’ll put on socks.

What was your favorite food when you were a child?
The classic peanut butter and jelly sammich, surely.
Black plums in a brown paper bag.
Oh, and pickles — big kosher dills.
And black olives.
True love never dies.

Are you a listener or talker?
Depends on the environment. I’m a listener, an observer first and foremost, but when I’m comfortably engaged, I can talk your ears off.

Favorite thing to (pick one):  Photograph?  Write? Or Cook?
Write

 

Optional Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?
This weekend was the bee’s knees!
Friday night’s date was spectacular — coffee, cookies, symphony, dinner, cocktails, and stuff. Relaxing Saturday morning, followed by a tasty linner — and when we finally did go pick up the girls, they had me laughin so hard I was gaspin for air and SNORTING!

After eight days of rain, Indianapolis reveled in its sunshine. It was close to 60F/15C and on Sunday, we walked the canal. It was dreamy. Just splendid.

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We went home to play Mario Kart and eat chocolate meringue pie. I am grateful for the pleasure of having a Sunday to enjoy the outdoors with my family all together. Not a better time to be had.
This week coming up has a bit more scheduled than usual, but I like how unseasonably cool it will be and how my husband will be home every night.

Cee’s Share Your World is a weekly feature and all are invited to join in and play along.

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What’s going on in your world?

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